Viewing Member - Veyron_UK

[url]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DoTUIe1-2fo[/url]

She seemed dressed in all of me
Stretched across my shame,
All the torment and the pain
Leaked through and covered me.

I'd do anything to have her to myself,
Just to have her for myself.

Now I don't know what to do,
I don't know what to do
When she makes me sad.

She is everything to me,
The unrequited dream,
The song that no one sings,
The unattainable.
She's a myth that I have to believe in,
All I need to make it real is one more reason.

I don't know what to do,
I don't know what to do when she makes me sad.

But I won't let this build up inside of me.
I won't let this build up inside of me.
I won't let this build up inside of me.
I won't let this build up inside of me.

A catch in my throat, choke,
Torn into pieces, I won't. No.

I don't want to be this but
I won't let this build up inside of me (won't let this build up inside of me)
I won't let this build up inside of me (won't let this build up inside of me)
I won't let this build up inside of me (won't let this build up inside of me)
I won't let this build up inside of me (won't let this build up inside of me)

She isn't real.
I can't make her real.
She isn't real.
I can't make her real...

Two picture that pretty much sum me up at the moment:

Just wondering why people are wishing me a happy birthday?

My birthday is in April...unless the Guinness is making me go a bit crazy...

Hi all

Well K's world is pretty much falling to pieces around her and I feel completely useless and unable to help her.

I was talking to her last night for about 3 hours on MSN and she told me the latest set of events that is going on regarding her ex. I tried to comfort her while being honest but I got this feeling that I wasn't being helpful at all, even though she said I was and thanked me when I had to call it a night (I had to be up early for work).

I feel totally useless and a bit of let down. I really want to help her through this as I kinda know what she's going through, I’ve been there myself and it isn't the nicest thing in the world to face by yourself. It's a shame I’m back at work this week because I would have meet up with her for a coffee otherwise. I'm better talking to people face-to-face rather than just sitting at a PC and typing. When you're face-to-face with somebody you can get so much more information from them, from their posture, their face and even the tones in their voice. I’m just hoping she’ll be ok and that she isn’t taking it too hard at the moment...

But on a more personal note I don't know if this whole thing is affecting me more than I originally thought. Over the past few nights I’ve been drinking a few cans of Guinness before I go to bed. I know it might not sound like a big deal but I only tend to drink when I’m out with my mates during the day or at night in town. It's not that I’m getting drunk or anything, it's just 3 maybe 4 cans, but it's something I’ve ever done before and I’ve only just noticed tonight when my parents pointed it out to me. And the most worrying thing is after I finish all the Guinness I’ve got a bottle of Malt Whiskey sitting in my room!

And again to bring up a personal issue. I’ve kina lost my sex drive recently. With the drink it may not sound like a big issue but normally my sex drive is rampant and without going into too much detail I normally sort myself out at least once a day, sometimes more (depending on how much time i have on my hands!). But since last week I’ve hardly thought about sex at all, let along get a stiffy.

What the fuck is wrong with me?

Mark

[url]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vckj3JY0x4w[/url]

Bury all your secrets in my skin.
Come away with innocence, and leave me with my sins.
The air around me still feels like a cage.
And love is just a camouflage for what resembles rage again...

So if you love me, let me go. And run away before I know.
My heart is just too dark to care. I can't destroy what isn't there.
Deliver me into my Fate - If I'm alone I cannot hate.
I don't deserve to have you...
My smile was taken long ago / If I can change I hope I never know...

I still press your letters to my lips.
And cherish them in parts of me that savour every kiss.
I couldn't face a life without your light.
But all of that was ripped apart...when you refused to fight.

So save your breath, I will not hear. I think I made it very clear.
You couldn't hate enough to love. Is that supposed to be enough?
I only wish you weren't my friend. Then I could hurt you in the end.
I never claimed to be a Saint...
My own was banished long ago / It took the Death of Hope to let you go.

So Break Yourself Against My Stones.
And Spit Your Pity In My Soul.
You Never Needed Any Help.
You Sold Me Out To Save Yourself.
And I Won't Listen To Your Shame.
You Ran Away - You're All The Same.
Angels Lie To Keep Control...
My Love Was Punished Long Ago.
If You Still Care, Don't Ever Let Me Know.
If you still care, don't ever let me know...

Hi all

I was right with my first guess. At 4:30pm I got a text saying: "Mark. I can't come out tonight. I’m going through a horrendous time with boyfriend and need 2 sort it out"

So my plan of going out this Saturday is gone down the swanny. I did ask another mate if he was out tonight but he said he couldn't because he was skint.

I've got this really bad feeling that K is going to get back with him. Not because it'll mean my chances of getting with her are all but finished but he is a complete and utter wanker. She can do way batter than him. I honestly can't see what she sees in him. But hey it's her life and her choice, what does it matter what I think?

So I’ve just come back from a trip to the shops with a 12 pack a Guinness, a bottle of Malt Whiskey and a load of junk food. I need some comfort and to numb my senses for a few hours at least.

The last few days haven't been great to say the least...

Mark

I woke up this morning feeling dazed and confused. It took me a few seconds to realise the view of my own ceiling in my bedroom. And as soon as I realised that I felt awful. Not physically but mentally and emotionally. I rubbed my face with my hand and thought....fuck!

I then went about my usual routine but from the moment I got out of bed I’ve felt miserable. My run this morning didn't change my mood at all. I was planning on taking the dog out for a walk as well but we got 15 minutes into the walk then had to head back as it was pouring it down.

I don't know if I’m feeling like I am at the moment due to what I talked about with K yesterday and what is going on with her. Or if it's just one of them days where I wake up feeling like shit.

Something that has just happened that has got me thinking. K sent me a text at 2:15am saying "Mark, go on-line please" Needless to say I was in bed by that time and as my mobile had ran out it wasn't until 12:30ish until I had fully recharged, turned on my phone and received that text.

I don't think I’ve ever received a text from her like that before. I have had the odd MSN message she has sent when I was off-line but never a text. My first thought was something bad had happened or was going to happen so I texted her back, then decided to e-mail her and send her a message on MSN, even though she was showing as off-line.

Due to the rain I haven't got a good reception on my phone so thinking that I wouldn't get a text on time I rang her on her mobile from my house phone. She didn't seem upset, angry or anything like that, she sounded...normal. Although she was driving so I didn't really have time for a proper chat.

So I hung up and sent a text saying let me know when you're able to talk and I’ll call you...

...so here I am, thinking about a million and one things that this could be about. Although it's pretty silly as I’m guessing it's about going out tonight and her not being able to make it. But what if it isn't? What if it's about something else, something more?

I hate playing the waiting game, although at the moment it's all I can do...

Hi again

I meet up with K today for a coffee, well two actually, and a bit of a natter.

We talked about our school days (about 15 years ago!) mainly trying to name the teachers and some of the pupils who we hadn't managed to get back into contact with. During this time we strayed to other stuff, had a few laughs but eventually we got back onto her sorta ex-boyfriend.

We then started talking about the whole relationship thing. And we started talking about cheating, trust, etc and we got onto my ex who cheated on me after a two year relationship.

I didn't mind talking about it with K because she is kinda going through the same thing only my ex at least had the "decency" to admit she was cheating on me when I confronted her. From what she was saying her ex is still being awkward and messing her about. He’s doing nothing to prove his innocence and being a frantic texter and caller the fact that the last few days she hasn’t heard from him has got her both worried and upset. So we had a little chat about our (mainly my) experiences, views and opinions about the whole relationship/cheating situation.

Like I said before I didn't mind telling K about it. We both agreed or had similar views on pretty much everything but I also thought I good chat about it would exercise some rather old demons so to speak. I've never really had a proper chat about what happened to me to anybody. Like everything else I kept it to myself.

To be honest it wasn't as therapeutic as I thought it would be. In fact it was reopening a really nasty old wound, one that had never really healed. We did move on to other things and eventually her parents turned up to meet her. We all had a little chat, then said goodbye and went our separate ways.

But mine and K's chat was hard to shake off. I kinda got the negative and hurtful feelings I had when I split with my ex. This has really dragged me down today. I got home and wasn't really in the mood to do anything. So I listened to music and thinking about all the events after my split and the time she came back and asked me back out again. Wondering if there were any signs she was cheating on me (at the time I had no idea), wondering if there was anything i could have done to stop it and wondering if it was my fault.

And to be honest it's pathetic.

I split with my ex (and my last girlfriend) over 9 years ago. And I’m still affected by it. I am really disappointed in myself. Surely after 9 years I should be able to let it go, sweep it under the rug? It’s sad that it still affects me. My only defence is that I was really, truly, madly, deeply in love with her. But we were only together for 2 years, which was and still is my longest relationship.

And while I was in my downward spiral I started thinking about K and what she is going through at the moment (it's affecting her pretty bad) but also how I will feel when she moves on and finds somebody else.

It's like I seem to enjoy making myself miserable and upset when I’m at my weakest and most vulnerable. Like I need to constantly underline what a failure I am, how worthless I am.

And I hate myself for doing it. I am my own worst enemy.

But I’ll get over it. I always do. I'll put on a smiley happy face and pretend all is well like I usually do. It’s worked for the past god knows how many years and other people seem to get along with their own problems. Why should I be any different?

But enough about me.

I'm trying to cheer K up and get her mind off things, so I’ve asked her to join me on a night out. I said that the worst thing she can do is sit indoors by herself on a Saturday and think about what's going on (I know, look who’s talking!!). I know she's got stuff on Sunday morning and so have I, but I’m not looking for a proper full blown night out. I just want to find a little quiet corner of town for a drink or two then call it a night. K suggested maybe a meal before hand to which I said ok, and then after she started showing doubt about going out, I said that if she just wanted to go out for the meal and not drink afterwards then that'll be fine.

I just want to get her out to help her take her mind of things. Anyway I hope she does come out in the end because quite frankly, I need to get out myself and having the whole house to myself for about 8 days, it’s getting lonely!

But maybe that's something I’ll have to get use to...

Mark

Hi all

I guess I haven't written a "decent" blog since July. Sadly not a lot has changed and in some ways they've become more complicated and maybe worse.

Getting the small stuff out of the way first, I didn't bother with the bird who gave me her phone number that was one digit short. There wasn't a lot I could realistically do without crossing the border into weird, obsessive or stalker!

Also I’ve got this week off work and while it's been pretty good so far today has been utter shit! My knee packed in 2 miles into my 3.4 miles run. I nearly got into a fight with a complete dickhead when out walking my dog and I went to book my driving lessons with the hope of passing within the week (which is one of the main reasons I took this week off) and they're all on holiday!

I'm also going through a really bad patch of not sleeping. I'm not a great sleeper to start off with. No matter how much sleep I get I’m always tired and wake up more tired than when I went to bed. But over the last 2 or 3 months I’ve only be managing about 5 or less hours sleep. On a normally day I can manage it but when I have to go to work I really, really struggle.

So whoopee-fucking-do on that front.

Now the biggy problem and yeah it involves a woman...or to be more precise K (you may want to glance at my previous blogs to find out more about K).

I spent all day with her yesterday and it was fantastic. When I got off the train at the end of the day and I was walking home I was actually smiling...and kinda singing (but in my defence I did have my iPod on!). We drank coffee, talked, went shopping all day and it didn't feel like all day either. We talk on MSN a lot as well and via face book about everything and nothing.

I know I’ve "liked" women before in the past but she is honestly different. I do think about her a lot and absolutely love being with her, even if I’m not talking to her or anywhere near her...

...but I’m thinking of giving up on her.

Why? Well I know that I’m going to get hurt. It's happened twice before and I’m fed-up with walking away from situations like this with the bruised and scared heart. I've become friends with somebody who I’ve then really, really fallen for them and then watched them get with somebody else while I just stand in the background and watch. Although the last time that happened was a very long time ago. With K, I don't honestly know how I’ll take it. So I’m trying to put a lid on how I feel about her but that is a hell of a lot easier said than done. I wish I could just erase these feelings, but if I could do that I think there's a lot of other stuff I’d get shot off as well.

Now I know that a lot of you are thinking, just tell her, drop a hint, try and find out how she feels, etc but there's another reason I’m keeping how I feel to myself apart from trying to stop being hurt again.

She has had a boyfriend for the past 3 years. And I’ve used the word had as they split up about a week and half ago. She told me the reasons behind the split and it basically comes down to the fact that she thinks he's been cheating on her. We've had lengthy discussions about it. We talked about it last night for about an hour and half and before that for about 3 hours. She doesn't know how to feel or what to think and I’ve been trying to help her make sense of things, although I’m pretty fucked-up myself so I don't know how much help I’m being!

So she's messed up and going through a very rough time. The last thing she needs is me throwing myself into the equation. Especially as she's been talking to be a lot about what's going on.

Honestly she deserves better than him. I've meet him a couple of times and he is a right dickhead and I’m not the only one as well. A few of my mates have met them and they think the same about him. And at the moment he's acting like he doesn't care, which is really upsetting K. This is her longest relationship and she's unfortunately desperate to make it work. And I use the word desperate cause I’m afraid she'll get hurt what-ever happens.

Although saying she's too good for him...I think she's too good for me as well

Oh god, I really hate this shit...

[url]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gA_rH9EYWVc[/url]

Wish I was too dead to cry
My self-affliction fades
Stones to throw at my creator
Masochists to which I cater
You don't need to bother;
I don't need to be
I'll keep slipping farther
But once I hold on,
I won't let go 'til it bleeds

Wish I was too dead to care
If indeed I cared at all
Never had a voice to protest
So you fed me shit to digest
I wish I had a reason;
my flaws are open season
For this, I gave up trying
One good turn deserves my dying

You don't need to bother;
I don't need to be
I'll keep slipping farther
But once I hold on,
I won't let go 'til it bleeds

Wish I'd died instead of lived
A zombie hides my face
Shell forgotten
with its memories
Diaries left
with cryptic entries

And you don't need to bother;
I don't need to be
I'll keep slipping farther
But once I hold on,
I won't let go 'til it bleeds

You don't need to bother;
I don't need to be
I'll keep slipping farther
But once I hold on:
I'll never live down my deceit