A bloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian.

"Excuse me Missie, dey ye hiv ony books on suicide?"

To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses, and says,

"Fook off, ye'll no bring it back!"

that so many guys on here refer to women who post pics on this site as sluts?

Just because a girl posts a pic does not mean that a person is a slut. At least I would not have thought so.

I know I tend to winge a lot but it really is giving me the shits.

Last night, my kids and I were sitting in the living room and I said to them,

'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'

They got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw out my wine.

The little bastards.

They played the Twist - so I Twisted.

They played Jump - so I jumped.

Then they played Come on Eileen...........I was kicked out

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.

'How was he killed?' asked one detective.

'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.

'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?'

'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'

asked the class at school to make a sentence using the word "dough"

Janey said "In Italy they make pizza with a special dough"

Great said the teacher.

Mary said "My little brother makes things with play dough"

Fantastic said the teacher.

My son said "My mum reckons my dad is such a lousy fuck she has to use a dil - dough"

Happy Mothers Day ( In Australia ) to all!!!

bout my boy.

He plays Aussie Rules in the best state league - VFL - and after a few frustrating years with injury made it into the senior team last week.

The way it operartes here is that his team is alighned to one of the major teams ( St Kilda ) and one of their players was called up as an emergency so my boy will probably drop back to the reserves this week.

Any way the team won and there is a report on the major daily papers web site and lo and behold there is a pic on my son.

Added to that the local paper have rung him for an interview. lol

He is famous in our family any way.

What a Storm swept through Melbourne!!!

NRL must now stand for Nice Rotten Liars.

on the blogs of late.

I am really stressed. hate where we live - on a main road right near traffic lights so the noise drives me mad.

Got notice that we have to move - and I want to cept I hate moving and also every thing is so damn fucking expensive.

Son wants to live in the Taj mahal and said he will chip in some rent but then again he never has any money and I have had to bail him out with some of his bills.

What to do?

Still then again his mates mother is in hospital having had small strokes and a bit of a heart scare. Puts things into perspective but I am stressed.

Having a good weeks with a bit of work so maybe if this keeps up I can afford the taj mahal lol.

Results of recent research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex.

The 1st is called: Smurf Sex. This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone, and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.

The 2nd is called: Kitchen Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a short time, and you are so needy you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd is called: Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine ,and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th is called : Hallway Sex This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say 'screw you.'

The 5th is called: Religious Sex. Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night. (Very Popular)

The 6th is called Courtroom Sex. This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.

And; Last, but not least, The 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex. You get a little each month. But not enough to enjoy yourself.

You can guess which type of sex i get.