No matter how much you prepare, you will ALWAYS be shocked at how cold the toilet seat is in the winter!

An old farmer wrote to his son in prison: “this year I wont be able to plant potatoes because I cant dig the field.
I know if you were here you would help me”

The son wrote back:”Dad don’t even think of digging the field
because that’s where I buried the money I stole”

Police read the letter and the very next day the whole field was dug by police looking for the money but nothing was found.

The next day the son wrote again: “ Now plant your potatoes
dad; it’s the best I can do from here

Broker than the Tooth Fairy in a house full of meth addicts!

A lonely woman, aged 70, decided that it was time to.get married. She put an ad in the local paper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED!
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,
AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray- haired gentleman with no arms or legs sitting in a wheelchair.

The old woman said, "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you ... you have no legs!" The old man smiled, "Therefore I cannot run around on you!"

She snorted. "You don't have any hands either!"

Again the old man smiled, "Nor can I beat you!"

She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently. "Are you still good in bed?" With that, the old gentleman leaned back, beamed a big broad smile and said, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

After 2 hrs in handcuffs and questioning

Apparently it's frowned upon to walk into a bank shouting
"It's my money and I want it now!"

Thanks a lot J.G. Wentworth!

It's all sweet and innocent
Till someone gets an erection

Boy: Marry me?
Girl: Do you have a house?
Boy: No..
Girl: Do you have a BMW car?
Boy: No..
Girl: How much is your salary?
Boy: No salary.. but.
Girl: No but. You have nothing. How can I marry you? Just leave me, please!!
Boy: I have one villa, 3 property lands, 3 Ferraris, 2 Porsches.. Why do I still need to buy BMW?! How can I get salary when actually I am the BOSS?
Girl: :O wanna get married?
Boy: NO BITCH

92% Of Americans say " oh shit" before going into a ditch.. the other 8% are from Texas and we say "hold my beer and watch this shit"!

Ghetto wet floor sign: Caution, b*tches be trippin...

For all those people who say labor pain is the worst pain of life, you've obviously never stepped on a Lego in the dark.

Two guys in a bar, one guy say to the other, "I shagged your mother last night!", to which the other guy replies, " Go home Dad, your shitfaced!"

If you ever get caught sleeping on the job... slowly raise your head and say "in Jesus name amen"

When ever a bird craps on my car
I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my porch
Just so they know what im capable of