I always thought it would be funny to put a sex toy on the table of someone elses garage sale and sit back and watch the reactions.

Seems Mrs.Lester the next door neighbor,didnt see the humor in it,
Im no longer welcome at her house

For those of you who have never traveled to the west, or southwest,
cattle guards are horizontal steel
rails placed at fence openings,
in dug-out places in the roads adjacent to highways (sometimes across highways), to prevent cattle from crossing over that area. For some reason the cattle will not step on the "guards," probably because they fear getting their feet caught between the rails.

A few months ago, President Obama received and was reading a report that there were over 100,000 cattle guards in Colorado . The Colorado ranchers had protested his proposed changes in grazing policies, so he ordered the Secretary of the Interior to fire half of the "cattle" guards immediately!
Before the Secretary of the Interior could respond and presumably try to straighten President Obama out on the matter, Vice-President Joe Biden, intervened with a request that...before any "cattle" guards were fired, they be given six months of retraining.

'Times are hard,' said Joe Biden, 'it's only fair to the cattle guards and their families be given six months of retraining! '

And these two guys are running our country,

Me and the wife were watching T.V. last night,she kept flipping between cooking and porn.
Told her to leave it on porn,you already know how to cook.

I should be off the couch in a week or two,and back sleeping in the bed.

Told my wife let me take a picture of your breast, than I can always look at them..
She said let me take a picture of your penis, I'll have it enlarged.

Im sure the rash will go away in afew days from the itching powder in her bra

A blond keeps walking to her mail box. when asked why she keeps doing that.

She replies "My computer keeps telling me that i've got mail".

I'm so lovable, the doctors gave me a special jacket so I can hug myself!

The next time an 800 number calls me, I'm going to answer the phone as follows: Joe's Fertility Clinic, you squeeze it, we freeze it. Let's see what happens...

When I was younger I hated going to weddings. my family would tell me, 'You're next.' They stopped that shit when i said the same thing to them @ funerals.

I called 911* the cop says: what's your emergency. I told him: 2 girls r fighting over me! the cop says: what's wrong with that? I said: the ugly one's winning!