What does it take to get a sweet 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

Morning sex is the best alarm clock

If your not in jail

As you start going bald,your really not losing hair
It just relocates to your nose and ears
Thats why ear lobes n nose gets bigger,more places for hair to grow

You lose your six-pac,but gain a keg
Means less excise,more leisure time

You get shorter,center of gravity gets lower
Feet get bigger,more stability
Less chance of falling and breaking hip

Penis doesn't get quiet as hard,means a little shorter
By now have false teeth,when removed tongue sticks out further
This compensates for shorter penis

There are more older women than old men
They are not as picky as young women
So your chances of getting laid goes way up

Moral of this:
Enjoy life quit worrying about getting old

Little boy has diarrhea and says to his mom "I need some Viagra". Mom says "why". Little boy says "isn't that what you give dad when his shit won't get hard?"

Study finds that a man looks into a woman's eyes
8.2 seconds if he is attracted to her,
4.5 seconds if he is not,
0.0 seconds if she's a C-cup or above

Does this napkin smell like chloroform to you?

Last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. As our passion began to heat up she said, "I don't feel like it. I just want you to hold me." I said, "WHAT?! What was that?!" She said, "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?" Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep. The next day I took off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big department store. I walked around with her as she tried on several very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to go with her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each outfit." We went on to the j3welry counter where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. She was so excited. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet. I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier." I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No baby, I don't feel like it." Her face went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?" I said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." Just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?" Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either... but at least she knows I'm smarter than her.

After 20 yrs of sex in the dark a wife finds out her husband was using a dildo on her

She said explain the dildo prick

He said explain the kids,bitch

Two elderly ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking. The other lady asked, "What's that?" "A condom," the lady responded. "This way my cigarette doesn't get wet." "Where did you get it?" the other lady asked. "You can get them at any drugstore."
The next day, the second lady hobbled herself down to the local drugstore and announced to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy looked at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but politely asks what brand she prefers.
"It doesn't matter as long as it fits a Camel."
The pharmacist fainted.

Wife caught me painting rocks white,
Was going to have a snowball fight with the neighbors kids,
For some reason she didnt see the humor in it

The lump on back of head should be down in a few days