I hope your Christmas is full of peace, joy

and without anyone preaching hateful politics at you.

~

School reunions are a scam.

Nobody misses anyone -

they just want to see who looks worse than they do.

~

My sister lives in California.

I live in Indiana.

We have both reached the age where we have everything we want,

so at Christmas time we send each other a card with some cash for a lunch later on.

Mine takes (usually) 3 days to get to her.

Hers always takes a week to get here.

That's just the way it is.

I figure it's because there's a higher volume of mail to process there.

I sent her a small gift this year.

It arrived in 3 days.

She sent me one, too.

A week later it hasn't arrived yet.

She was promised it would be here by Sunday (yesterday).

I'm still waiting...

~

Snow doubt about it...

winter is here.

~

Don't laugh at kids who still believe in Santa.

Some of you still believe you know how to play golf.

~

I wasn't sure why the doctor prescribed LSD for my constipation,

until I saw a dragon and shit myself.

~

The inventor of the wind chill factor died recently.

He was 82,

but felt like he was 64.

~

Never use a penguin as a wingman.

their wings don't work.

~

I pray every morning

that God gets into my head before I do.

~

A woman takes a lover while her husband is at work.

She doesn't know that her 9 year old in is hiding in the closet.

The husband comes by at lunchtime,

so the woman puts the lover in the same closet as her son.

The boy says "it's dark in here".

The lover says "it sure is".

The boy says

"I've got a baseball".

The lover says "that's nice".

The boy asks "want to buy it?"

The lover asks "how much?"

The boy says "$250.00".

The lover says "that's too much."

The boy says "I need to tell my dad something."

The lover says "o.k., I'll buy it."

A week later the husband comes home at lunch.

The woman again puts the lover in the same closet with her son.

"It's dark in here."

The lover says "yes, it is."

The boys says "I have a baseball glove."

The lover asks "how much?"

The boys says "$750.00"

The lover says "That's too much!"

The boy says "I need to tell my dad something."

The lover quickly says "all right, I'll buy it."

A couple of weeks later, the dad asks if the boy would like to go outside and toss the ball around.

The boy tells him he can't because he sold the ball and his glove.

"How much did you sell them for?" the dad asks.

"$1,000.00, the boy replies.

The father scolds him for selling them to a friend for so much

and takes him to church to confess to the priest.

Once in the confessional,

the boy says "It sure is dark in here."

The priest replies

"Don't start that shit again!"

~