Fact.....
It takes 7seconds for Food to pass from Mouth to Stomach.
A human Hair can hold 3kg.
The length of a Penis is 3 times that of the Thumb.
The Femur is as hard as Concrete.
A Woman's heart beats faster than a Man's.
Woman blink 2x as much as Men.
We use 300 Muscles just to keep our Balance when we stand.
A Woman has read this entire text.
A Man is still looking at his Thumb.....

Unfortunate Husband
A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife was in the kitchen. The man was racing the engine on the motorcycle when it accidentally slipped into gear. The man, still holding onto the handle bars, was dragged through the glass patio doors and along with the motorcycle dumped onto the floor inside the house. The wife, hearing the crash, ran into the dining room and found her husband lying on the floor, cut and bleeding, the motorcycle lying next to him, and the shattered patio door. The wife ran to the phone and summoned the ambulance.

Because they lived on a fairly large hill, the wife went down the several flights of stairs to the street to escort the paramedics to her husband. After the ambulance arrived and transported the man to the hospital, the wife up righted the motorcycle and pushed it outside. Seeing that gas was spilled on the floor, the wife got some paper towels, blotted up the gasoline, and threw the towels in the toilet. The man was treated and released to come home. Upon arriving home, he looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He became despondent, went to the bathroom, sat down on the toilet and smoked a cigarette. After finishing the cigarette, he flipped it between his legs into the toilet bowl while seated. The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard the loud explosion and her husband screaming. She ran into the bathroom and found her husband lying on the floor. His trousers had been blown away and he was suffering burns on the buttocks, the back of his legs, and his groin.

The wife again ran to the phone to call the ambulance. The very same paramedic crew was dispatched and the wife met them at the street. The paramedics loaded the husband on to the stretcher and began carrying him to the street. While they were going down the stairs to the street accompanied by the wife, one of the paramedics asked the wife how the husband had burned himself. She told them and the paramedics started laughing so hard, one of them slipped and tipped the stretcher, dumping the husband out. He fell down the remaining stairs and broke his arm.

A man walked into a bar and sat down,
and ordered a beer.
As he sipped the beer,
he heard a soothing voice say
"nice tie!"
Looking around, he noticed that the bar was empty except for himself and the bartender at the end of the bar.
A few sips later the voice said
"beautiful shirt".
At this, the man called the bartender over.
"Hey...I must be losing my mind,"
he told the bartender.
"I keep hearing these voices saying nice things,
and there's not a soul in here but us."
"It's the peanuts,"
answered the bartender.
"Say what?"
"You heard me,"
said the barkeep.
"It's the peanuts ...

they're complimentary."

A little old lady wants to join a local biker club !

A little old lady had always wanted to join a local biker club. One day she goes up and knocks on the door. A big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers.
She proclaims, "I want to join your club."
The guy was amused, but says she needs to meet certain biker requirements in order to join.
The biker asks: "Do you have a motorcycle?"
The little old lady replies: "Yep... my bike's parked over there", and points to a Harley in the driveway.
The biker asks: "Do you drink?"
The little old lady replies: "Yep... drink like a fish. I'll drink any man in your club under the table."
The biker asks: "Do you smoke?"
The lady replies: "Yep... smoke like a chimney. At least 4 packs of cigarettes a day. I'm shooting pool."
Very impressed the biker asks: "Last question, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"
The old lady thinks for a minute and says: Nope, ... but I've been swung around by my nipples a few times."

Geriatric kinky sex
An elderly couple was sitting around the house one day and the conversation started going something like this:


"Fuck you, Ma."

"Fuck you, Pa."

....
....
"Fuck you, Ma."

"Fuck you, Pa."

This went on for most of the afternoon when finally the old man told his wife,
"This oral sex isn't all it's cracked up to be."

Hope This explains why I forward Jokes.

A man and his dog were walking along a road.
The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead.

He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years.

He wondered where the road was leading them.

After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road.

It looked like fine marble.
At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight.



When he was close enough, he called out,
'Excuse me, where are we?'

'This is Heaven, sir,' the man answered.

'Wow! Would you happen to have some water?' the man asked.

'Of course, sir.
Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up.'

The man gestured, and the gate began to open.

'Can my friend,'
gesturing toward his dog, 'come in, too?' the traveler asked.

'I'm sorry; sir, but we don't accept pets.'



The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going with his dog.



After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road leading through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence.

As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book.

'Excuse me!' he called to the man. 'Do you have any water?'

'Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there, come on in.'

'How about my friend here?' the traveler gestured to the dog.

'There should be a bowl by the pump.'

They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it.

The traveler filled the water bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog.

When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree.

'What do you call this place?'
the traveler asked.

'This is Heaven,' he answered.



'Well, that's confusing,' the traveler said.
'The man down the road said that was Heaven, too.'

'Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That's hell.'

'Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?'

'No, we're just happy that they screen out the folks who would leave their best friends behind.'

Soooo ...

Sometimes, we wonder why friends keep forwarding jokes to us without writing a word.

Maybe this will explain.



When you are very busy, but still want to keep in touch, guess what you do? You forward jokes.

When you have nothing to say, but still want to keep contact, you forward jokes.

When you have something to say, but don't know what, and don't know how, you forward jokes.

Also to let you know that you are still remembered, you are still important, you are still loved, you are still cared for, guess what you get?

A forwarded joke.

So, next time if you get a joke, don't think that you've been sent just another forwarded joke, but that you've been thought of today and your friend on the other end of your computer wanted to send you a smile.



You are all welcome @ my water bowl anytime

MISSING ROYAL NAVY LIFE ?
1. Build a shelf in the top of your wardrobe, fit a thin mattress and sleep on top of it.
2. Remove the wardrobe door and replace it with a curtain that is too small.
3. Wash your socks and underpants in the bathroom sink every night, then hang them on the water pipes to dry.
4. Four hours after you have gone to bed, instruct your wife to whip open the curtain, shine a torch in your face and say, "Sorry mate, wrong pit!"
5. When you have a shower, remember to turn the water off when you soap.
6. Every time there is a thunderstorm, sit in a wobbly rocking-chair and rock as hard as you can until you are violently sick.
7. Put diesel oil into a humidifier and set it on high to achieve that wonderful Ship Aroma.
8. Don't watch TV except for a movie at 2030. For added realism, have the family vote for which movie to have and then select a different one.
9. Leave a lawnmower running in the house to re-create correct noise levels.
10.Have the postman or paperboy give you a haircut fortnightly.
11.Once a week, blow compressed air up your chimney, ensuring that the soot is carried over to your neighbour's home. When he comes to complain, laugh in his face and say "That's life in a blue suit mate"
12.Buy a rubbish compactor, but only use it once a week, storing all of your rubbish in the shower cubicle.
13.Wake up at midnight each night and make a sandwich out of anything you can find.
14.Have a fridge in your home specifically for beer. put a lock on it and give the key to the local policeman.
15.Keep spare keys for above and empty it every lunchtime.
16.Devise your family menu a week in advance without looking in the fridge or freezer.
17.Once a month, take apart every household appliance then re-assemble them.
18.Use four spoonfuls of coffee per cup and wait 3 hours before drinking it.
19.Invite 40 people you don't like, to stay in your house for a couple of months.
20.Install a small fluorescent strip light under your coffee table then lie underneath it to read a book.
21.Raise the thresholds and lower the top sills of all the doors in the house, so you will either bang your head or skin your shins every time you pass through them.
22.When baking a cake, prop one side of the cake tin against the side of the oven and when it has cooled, spread icing thickly on lower side to even it out.
23.Every so often throw one of the kids into the bath and scream "Man overboard!" Sling in a sponge with a flag on it, then run into the kitchen and sweep all the pots and pans onto the floor and yell at your wife for not securing for sea.
24.Get your wife and kids to clean their rooms every evening and at 1900 wander around the house with the local policeman.
25.Name your favourite shoes "Steaming Bats" then get the kids to hide them around the house.
26.Lie on your bed, or sofa and fart for absolutely no reason.
27.Insist on going to the local post office for your mail and get them to phone you when it is ready for collection.
28.On Saturday morning walk around the house, whistling loudly and insist that everyone you pass stands to attention.
29.Paint the outside of your house battleship grey and put the number on the wall in big black letters.
30.Put windows and a bloody big wheel in your loft.
31.Every Thursday at 0500 in the morning, run around the house yelling "Hands to Action Stations!"
32.Roll up a soft porn magazine and stick it behind the cistern in the toilet all of your visitors can read it.
33. When the family demands more food, yell back at them "WHAT DO YOU EXPECT FOR 39p PER DAY, PER MAN"!

Here is a fun game for everybody to try:

1) Go into a supermarket and grab yourself a trolley.
2) Head straight for the alcohol aisle.
3) Fill your trolley up with nothing but alcohol. Jack Daniels, Smirnoff, even a nice bottle of Jagermeister.
4) Once your trolley is full, make your way over to the checkouts, but on the way, pick up a packet of nappies.
5) Place your things on the conveyor belt at the checkout, and let the woman/man scan everything through.
6) When she/he reveals the cost of your shop - say "Oh, I'm just short" and instantly put the nappies back.
7) Watch the look on their face.