New Drugs For Women.........
DAMNITOL
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.

EMPTYNESTROGEN
Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out!

ST. MOMMA'S WORT
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers xxxxxxxxxxx for up to two days.

PEPTOBIMBO
Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.

DUMBEROL
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.

FLIPITOR
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

MENICILLIN
Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, 'You make me want to be a better person. '

BUYAGRA
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.


JACKASSPIRIN
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat

ANTI-TALKSIDENT
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.

NAGAMENT
When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him, without opening your mouth.

OOOOOOOhhhh Yeaaaaaaaaaaaah!
A husband and wife were in the bathroom getting ready to go to work when the husband looked at his wife and said,
"I gotta have you!"

He backed her up against the bathroom door,
ripped her knickers off and gave her one there and then.

When he finished he started putting his clothes on and saw his wife still writhing around against the door.

"What's wrong?
Didn't you come?
Do you want more?"

His wife said,
"No, no, it's not that.
I'm just trying to get the doorknob out of my ass!"

A TOUGH OLD COWBOY FROM SOUTH TEXAS
COUNSELLED HIS GRANDSON THAT IF HE WANTED TO LIVE A LONG LIFE,
THE SECRET WAS TO SPRINKLE A PINCH OF GUN POWDER ON HIS OATMEAL EVERY MORNING.

THE GRANDSON DID THIS RELIGIOUSLY TO THE AGE OF 103 WHEN HE DIED.

HE LEFT BEHIND 14 CHILDREN,
30 GRANDCHILDREN,
45 GREAT-GRANDCHILDREN,
25 GREAT-GREAT-GRANDCHILDREN,
AND A 15-FOOT HOLE WHERE THE CREMATORIUM USED TO BE.

A drunk from Crinkle Cove, Newfoundland walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back and forth.
A Mountie on the beat sees him and approaches,
"Can I help you Sir?"
"Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr", the Newfie replies.
The Mountie asks,
"Where was your car the last time you saw it?"
"It wasss on the end of thisshh key", the Newfie replies.
About that time the Mountie looks down and sees the man's willy hanging out of his fly for all the world to see.
He asks the man,
"Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"
Momentarily confused,
the drunk Newfie looks down at his crotch and without missing a beat, blurts out....
"Holy shit! Me girlfriend's gone, too!!

A man stopped a women in the street and asks,
can you tell me the best way to the Supermarket?

The Women says,
are you walking or driving?

The man says, I'm driving

The women says,
Yeh, thats the quickest way!

Not so famous quotes
"That which does not kill us, just makes us angrier and more volatile"

"Men, can't live with them, can't run them down"


"If at first you don't succeed, hunt down and beat the crap out of the person who taught you incorrectly"

or

"If at first you don't succeed, don't look to me for help"

"Laughter is not the best medicine, getting drunk off your ass is"

"An apple a day just makes you shit more"


Can you name a few more? Put your thinking caps on and let us know.

rules of the air...
1. Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.

2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.

3. Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.

4. It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.

5. The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.

6. The propeller is just a big fan front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.

7. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.

8. A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great' landing is one after which they can use the plane again.

9. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.

10. You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.

11. The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival and vice versa.

12. Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.

13. Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another aeroplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.

14. Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs you've made.

15. There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately no one knows what they are.

16. You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.

17. Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels them.

18. If all you can see out of the window is ground that's going round and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be.

19. In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminium going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.

20. Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience usually comes from bad judgment.

21. It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible.

22. Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed.

23. Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And it's not subject to repeal.

24. The three most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, runway behind you, and a tenth of second ago.

"It's just great ever since we got into S&M."
Cindy and Sally meet at their 30th class reunion, and they hadn't seen each other since graduation. They begin to talk and bring each other up-to-date. The conversation covers their husbands, their children, homes, etc., and finally gets around to their sex lives.

Cindy said, "It's OK. We get it on every week or so, but it's no big adventure. How's yours?"

Sally replied, "It's just great ever since we got into S&M."

Cindy is aghast. "Really, Sally! I never would have guessed that you would go for that sort of thing."

"Oh, sure," says Sally. "He snores while I masturbate."

A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life.
She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband.
At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs ... enough times that her husband finally asks,
"Are you wearing crotchless panties?"

"Y-e-s," she answers with a seductive smile.

"Thank God - I thought you were sitting on the cat."


He never heard the gunshot.

A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.

So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?

"Morris Feinberg," he replied.

"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"

"For about 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims."

"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."

"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults and to love their fellow man."

"I pray that politicians tell us the truth and put the interests of the people ahead of their own interests."

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a fucking wall."