"Doctor," the embarrassed man said, "I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore.

"Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do."

The next day, the worried fellow returned with his wife. "Take off your clothes, Mrs. Thomas," the medic said. "Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Okay, you may put your clothes back on."

The doctor took the husband aside. "You're in perfect health," he said. "Your wife didn't give me an erection either."

Vengence is mine....................
One day a construction worker left the job a little early,
and when he got home he found his wife in bed with another man. Purple with rage, he hauled the man down the stairs and into the garage where he proceeded to secure his cock in a vice.
Utterly terrified, the man screamed,
"Stop, stop! you're not going to cut it off, are you? ARE YOU?"
"Nope," replied the construction worker,
"You are...I'm going to set the garage on fire."

Many women are anxious about mammograms,
but there is no need to worry.
By taking a few minutes each day for a week preceding the exam and doing the following exercises,
you will be totally prepared for the test and best of all,
you can do these simple exercises right in and around
your home.

EXERCISE ONE:

Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast in door.
Shut the door as hard as possible and lean on the door for good measure.
Hold that position for five seconds.
Repeat again in case the first time wasn't effective enough.

EXERCISE TWO:

Visit your garage at 3AM when the temperature of the cement floor is just perfect.
Take off all your clothes and lie comfortably on the floor with one breast wedged under the rear tire of the car.
Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until your breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled.
Turn over and repeat with the other breast.

EXERCISE THREE:

Freeze two metal bookends overnight.
Strip to the waist.
Invite a stranger into the room.
Press the bookends against one of your breasts.
Smash the bookends together as hard as you can.
Set up an appointment with the stranger to meet next year and do it again.

NOW YOU ARE TOTALLY PREPARED!

Send this to all your girlfriends AND, remember to have a mammogram!

LOVERS OF WORDS

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was
resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off?
He's all right now.

The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir
Cumference.

The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little
behind in his work.

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.

The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.

Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with
stalking.

We'll never run out of math teachers because they always
multiply.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.

The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a
number on it.

The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on
shaky ground.

The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your
memory.

A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.

A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

A will is a dead giveaway.

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

A backward poet writes inverse.

In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's
your Count that votes.

A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you
A-flat miner.

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulted in
Linoleum Blownapart.

You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.

He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

A calendar's days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.

A boiled egg is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the
end.

When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.

When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture: a jab well done.

" I NEED TO TALK TO YOU "



That one sentence that has the Power to make you Remember every Single bad thing you did in your life.......

One Friday afternoon,
two secretaries were hanging around the water cooler at the office.
"Veronica, I just don't know what to do," Gloria said to her friend at work.
"That good-looking Alex in accounting asked me out on a date for Saturday night.
Should I go?"

"Oh, my God!" her friend exclaimed.
"He'll wine you, dine you, and then use any ruse to get you up to his apartment.
Then he'll rip off your dress and you'll have fantastic sex!"

"What should I do?" asked Gloria.

Her friend quickly replied,
"Wear an old dress."

When the store manager returned from lunch,
he noticed his clerk's hand was bandaged,
but before he could ask about it,
the clerk said he had some very good news for him.

"Guess what, sir?" the clerk said.
"I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we've had so long!"

"Do you mean that ugly pink-and-blue double-breasted thing?"
the manager asked.

"That's the one!"

“That's great!" the manager cried,
"I thought we'd never get rid of that monstrosity!
That had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had!
But tell me.
Why is your hand bandaged?"

"Oh," the clerk replied,
"after I sold the guy that suit, his guide dog bit me."

When the new school year started the history teacher was so excited because there were three little Indian boys in her class.
She was beside herself with excitement.
So she asks the first little Indian boy to stand up and tell the class what tribe he was from and how he knows this.
The little boy stands up and proudly throws out his chest & takes his fist and hits it on his chest.
He says in a booming voice
" I am a Cherokee. My Father and I walked for many moons and one day my Father says son, you see all this land.
This is Cherokee land.
So, I know I am a Cherokee."
The teacher says very good and asks the next little Indian boy to stand.
The little boy stands up and proudly throws out his chest & takes his fist and hits it on his chest.
He says in a booming voice
" I am a Comanche. My Father and I walked for many moons and one day my Father says son, you see all this land.
This is Comanche land.
So, I know I am a Comanche."
The teacher is growing more excited by the moment and asks the last little Indian boy to stand up.
The little boy stands up and proudly throws out his chest & takes his fist and hits it on his chest.
He says in a booming voice
" I am a Fuckawee".
The teacher looks dumb founded & says
"I don't think there is any such tribe as the Fuckawee."
The little boy says,
"My Father & I walked for many days and many nights, and many nights and many days.
We ran out of water, but we kept walking.
With no rest, we were getting weary.
Finally, one day my Father stops and with his hand to shield the sun from his eyes, looks around.
"He said hummmm, where the Fuckawee"

South's been saying the bath is takeing a long time to empty.
So today took the u bend off and dragged this thing out,new bath's only been for about 9 months.
Yes its about a foot and a half long.

Ask any man what a woman's ultimate fantasy is and they will tell you, to have two men at once.



According to a recent social logical study this is true,
however most men do not realize that in this fantasy,


one man is cooking, and the other is cleaning.