OLD people have problems that you may not have even considered yet !




An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.




The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."



The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.


The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, "Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door, and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."


The doctor was shocked, "You asked your neighbor?"


The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."

Two women talking
'do you look at your husbands face when you're having sex?'
i did once and he looked really angry!
'Why angry?'
'Because he was watching from the window!'

Kids know far too much these days!
Today in the doctors waiting room,
I saw a little girl playing with her Barbie & Ken dolls imitating the doggy position,
I told her,
"You'll end up with little baby dolls if you keep doing that."
She replied,
"I don't think so, he's doing her up the arse!"

A 'sweet' note for English confectionary lovers.

Mr Cadbury and Miss Rowntree met on a Double Decker,it was After Eight.
She was from Quality Street, he was a Fisherman's Friend.

On the way they stopped at a Yorkie Bar, he had a Rum and Raison ,
she had a Wine Gum. He asked her name, "Polo, I'm the one with the hole
she said."I'm the one with the nuts," he thought! Then he touched her Milky Way.
They checked in to a hotel, and went straight to the bedroom. Mr Cadbury
turned out the light for a bit of Black Magic. It wasn't long before
he slipped his hand into her Snickers and felt her Cream Egg. He fondled
her Flap Jacks then he showed her his Curly Wurly and Tic Tacs.

Miss Rowntree wasn't keen to have any Jelly Babies, so she let him take
a trip down Bourneville Boulevard via her Party Ring. He was quite pleased
as he always fancied a bit of Fudge.

It was a magic moment as she let out a scream of Turkish Delight. When he
pulled out, his fun size Mars Bar felt a bit Crunchie. She wanted more,
but he needed Time Out, however, he noticed her Pink Wafers looked
very appetizing. He did a Twirl, had a Picnic in her Sherbet Dip and
finished off by giving her a Gob Stopper!

Unfortunately, Mr Cadbury then had to go home to his wife, Caramel.
Sadly he was soon to discover he had caught Victory-V. It turned out
Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Basset who apparently had Allsorts!!!

Why females should avoid a girls night out after they are married...

The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.

' I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!' Well, the hours
passed and the margaritas went down way too easily.

Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the
door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed three times.

Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed
another nine times.

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a
quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him.

(Even when totally smashed... three cuckoos plus nine cuckoos totals 12
cuckoos--MIDNIGHT!)
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him
'MIDNIGHT.' He didn't seem pissed off in the least.

Whew, I got away
with that one!

Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.

When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed
three times, then said, 'oh, sh*t.

' Cuckooed four more times, cleared its
throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then
tripped over the coffee table and farted

Five Rules to remember in Life!
1...Money cannot buy Happiness..But it's more comfortable to Cry in a Mercedes than on a Bicycle....
2...Forgive your Enemy...But Remember there Name...
3...Help someone when they are in Trouble...they will remember you when they'er in Trouble again...
4...Many People are Alive...only Because it Illegal to SHOOT them...
5...Alcohol does not solve any Problems...But then again,neither does MILK...

The angry wife met her husband at the door.
There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his cheek.
"I assume," she snarled,
"that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in at six o'clock in the morning?"

"There is." he replied,

"Breakfast."!

The wife walked in our bedroom earlier and said:


"Do you want me to strip for you?"

"Yeah go on then" I said,



"you can make a start while l go and get the new wallpaper."