An Avon lady was alone in an elevator when suddenly she had to fart.
She promptly reached into her bag and sprayed the air with some an Avon Pine-Scented deodorizer.
Two floors later, a gentleman got on the elevator.
He began to sniff, and the Avon lady asked,
"Do you smell something?"

"Well, yes I do." he replied.

"What does it smell like?"

The bemused gentleman answered,
"I'm not sure, but it kinda smells like someone shit in the forest."

Ever wonder what your partner is really saying?

Here is what they say, and what it really means:

Did you come? == Because I didn't.

I have something to tell you. == Get tested.

I'm a Romantic. == I'm poor.

I'll give you a call. == I'd rather have my nipples eaten off by wild dogs than see you again.

Trust me. == I'm cheating on you.

I love you. == You're a good lay.

I think we should just be friends. == You're ugly.

Haven't I seen you before? == Nice ass.

I want to make love to you. == Let's fuck.

Was it good for you? == I'm insecure about my manhood.

We need to talk. == I'm pregnant.

I had a wonderful time last night. == Who the hell are you?

I've been thinking a lot. == You're not as attractive as when I was drunk.

I've learned a lot from you. == Next!

I want a commitment. == I'm sick of my dildo.

I think we should see other people. == I have been seeing other people.

Let's get married. == Now can we fuck?

We don't have to do anything until you are ready. == Put out or get out.

I feel it's time to express our love for each other. == Give me head.

I still think about you. == I miss the sex.

Is there something wrong? == Is it supposed to be this soft?

You're so mature. == I hope you're eighteen.

Yes...Yes..."scream!" == Aren't you done yet?

HANDY HINTS:

Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment, always circle the stain in permanent pen, so that when you remove the garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that it has gone.

Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand next
to the object you wish to view.

Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

Always poo at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it.

Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at a
chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the f**king thing
in the first place.

Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The
morning after, you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on
the wall.

Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your
home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach,
then urinating into it, before jumping in.

Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one
and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.

Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of
lard.

An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an
inexpensive vibrator.

Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken steroids
by running a bit slower.

Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next fag from the butt of your last one.

Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of
steak or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat
substitute etc 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know the
difference.

Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them
about yours, and ask for a nice steak.

High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

Heavy smokers. Don't throw away those filters from the end of
your cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough to insulate your roof.

Nissan Micra drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of
your car before starting a long journey. You drive the things like
dodgems anyway, so it may as well look like one.

A mouse trap placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent
you from rolling over and going back to sleep.

Avoid bickering and petty arguments by immediately punching anyone with whom you disagree.

Fool next door into thinking you have more stairs than them by banging your feet twice on each stair.

At supermarket checkouts a Toblerone box makes a handy 'Next
customer Please' sign for dyslexic shoppers.

Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.

A next door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded, makes an
ideal coat hanger in an emergency.

AVOID parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned
to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally. Brilliant!


OLD telephone directories make ideal personal address books.
Simply cross out the names and address of people you don't know.

If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply
pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.

A German scientist from Argentina,
after a lengthy study,
has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their computer screen with their hand on the mouse.






Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

Banking Crisis!
If the global crisis continues at the present rate,
by the end of this year only two banks will be left operational....
the Blood Bank and the Sperm Bank!

And before you know it,
these two will merge,
and the whole place will be full of bloody wankers.

STUDENT WHO OBTAINED 0% ON AN EXAM


Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die?
* his last battle

Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
* at the bottom of the page

Q3. River Ravi flows in which state?
* liquid

Q4. What is the main reason for divorce?
* marriage

Q5. What is the main reason for failure?
* exams

Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast?
* Lunch & dinner

Q7. What looks like half an apple?
* The other half

Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?
* It will simply become wet

Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping ?
* No problem, he sleeps at night.

Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
* You will never find an elephant that has only one hand..

Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have ?
* Very large hands

Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?
* No time at all, the wall is already built.

Q13. How can u drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
*Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.

Perplexing Questions

Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?

Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?


Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?


If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?

Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?

Why isn't "palindrome" spelled the same way backwards?

Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?





Why does an alarm clock "go off" when it begins ringing?

Why is it called a "building" when it is already built?

Why does flammable and inflammable mean the same thing?

How can someone "draw a blank"?

Why is the word "abbreviate" so long?

Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets ?

What is another word for "thesaurus"?



Why doesn't "onomatopoeia" sound like what it is?

Why do 'tug' boats push their barges?

Why do we sing 'Take me out to the ball game', when we are already there?

Does a fish get cramps after eating?

Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

Why is it when two planes almost hit each other it is called a "near miss"? Shouldn't it be called a "near hit"?

Dear Deirdre.
I have never written to you before but i really need your advice.
I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating. The usual signs; phone rings and if i answer the caller hangs up, going out with the girls a lot & when I ask the names it's "you don't know them",
i try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but I ususally fall asleep.
Anyway last night i decided to finally check on her.
Around midnight i hid in the garage behind my motorbike so as to get a good view of the whole street when she came home from her night out with the girls.
When she got out of the car she was buttoning her blouse which was open and she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.
It was at that moment as i crouched behind my motorbike i noticed it,
a hairline crack where the fairing meets the tank,
is this something i can fix myself or should i take it back to the shop?

Women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women.


They say that women are too judgmental,

where, of course, men are just grateful.

There are two theories to arguing with women.




Neither one works.


O well looks like the spare bedroom for me tonight.