The world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make
is taking a stroll down his local high street.
As he passes by the record shop, a sign catches his eye.

"Just Released: New LP - Wasps of the World & the sounds that they make -
available now!"

Unable to resist the temptation, the man goes into the shop.

"I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they
make. I'd very much like to listen to the new LP you have advertised in the
window."

"Certainly, Sir," says the young man behind the counter. "If you'd like to step
into the booth and put on the headphones, I'll put the LP on for you."

The world expert on European wasps goes into the booth and puts on the
earphones.

Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth and announces, "I am the world
expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make and yet I recognised none
of those."

"I'm sorry sir," says the young assistant. "If you'd care to step into the
booth, I can let you have another 10 minutes."

The world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make steps back into
the booth and replaces the headphones.

Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth shaking his head.

"I don't understand it," he says, "I am the world expert on European wasps and
the sounds that they make, and yet I still can't recognise any of those!"

"I'm terribly sorry, sir" says the young man, "perhaps if you'd like to step
into the booth again, you could have 5 more minutes."

Sighing, the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make steps
back into the booth.

Five minutes later, he comes out again, clearly agitated.

"I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make and yet I
have recognised none of the wasps on this LP."

"I really am terribly sorry," says the young assistant. "I've just realised I
was playing you the bee side."

One December day we found an old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry sight. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny and hair all matted down.

We felt sorry for her, put her in a carrier and took her to the vet (a personal friend). We didn't know what to call her, so we named her 'Pussycat.' The vet decided to keep her for a day or so.

He said he would let us know when we could come and get her. My husband (the complainer) said, "OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks." He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (me) that wanted the dirty cat, not him.

My husband and my vet don't see eye to eye. The vet calls my husband 'El-Cheap-O', and my husband calls the vet 'El-Charge-O.' They love to hate each other and constantly 'snipe' at one another, with my husband getting in the last word on this particular occasion.

The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, who is located in the same building, next door to the vet. The MD's waiting room and office was full of people waiting to see the doctor. A side door opened and the vet leaned in - he had obviously seen my husband arrive.

He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said, "Your wife's pussy doesn't stink any more and it's finally clean and shaved, so she now smells like a rose. Oh, and, by the way, I think she's pregnant. God only knows who the father is!"

Then he closed the door. Now THAT, my friends, is getting even!!!

Who Runs the Human Body?

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was in charge.

The brain said: "I should be in charge, because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."

"I should be in charge," said the heart, "because I pump the blood and circulate oxygen all over the body, so without me you'd all waste away."

"I should be in charge," said the stomach, "because I process food and give all of you energy."

"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "because I'm responsible for waste removal."

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, and the blood was toxic. Eventually the other organs gave in. They all agreed that the rectum should be the boss.

The moral of the story?

You don't have to be smart or important to be in charge... just an asshole.

Chemist shop.

A young girl started work in the village chemist shop. She was very shy
about having to sell condoms to the public. The owner was going on holiday
for a couple of days and asked if she would be willing to run the shop on
her own. She had to confide in him her worries about selling the
contraceptives.

...
"Look," he said. "My regular customers don’t ask for condoms, they'll ask for
a 310 [small] a 320[medium] or a 330[large]. The word condom won’t even be
used.


The first day was fine but on the second day a black guy came in to the
shop, put out his hand and said "350".


The girl panicked. She phoned the owner on his mobile and told him of her
predicament.

" Go back in and check if he has a yellow bucket hanging between his legs"
her boss told her.


She peeped through the door and saw the yellow bucket hanging between his
legs. "Yes!" she said " He's got one hanging there!"

The boss said "Go back in and give him £3.50, he's the window cleaner!"

Did you know that more people in Africa are killed by hippos than by guns ... .. ...


although guns ARE easier to conceal.





psssst want to buy a sawn off concealable ......... hippo ...???

A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her, placed his hand up her skirt and began fondling her.
She jumped up and slapped him silly.

He immediately apologized and explained,
"I'm sorry.
I thought you were my wife.
You look exactly like her."

"Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable son of a BITCH!" she screamed.

"Funny," he muttered,
"you even sound exactly like her."

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing.
The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.

The teacher then announced,
"Ladies, exercise is good for you.
Walking is especially beneficial.
And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!"

The room really got quiet.
Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand.
"Yes?" replied the teacher.
"Is it alright if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

This is a true story, proving how fascinating the mind of a six year old is. They think so logically.

A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home. She read ... 'and so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said: 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'

The teacher paused then asked the class:

'And what do you think the man said?'

One little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly ...'I think the man would have said - 'Well, f*ck me!! A talking pig!

Two guys were discussing what was the most painful episode in their lives when one of them recalls that the worst pain was the time he was working on his house and he accidently hammered a nail into his thumb.
"Damn, that hurt like hell and my thumb was sore for a week."
The other guy thought for a moment and started telling the other man of a painful incident he had experienced.
He told of a time he went hunting and had to go to the bathroom. He found a spot in the woods near some fallen logs and when he squatted down, his balls got caught in a bear trap.
"Damn, that hurt like hell and was the second most painful episode I can recall in my life."

His friend, grimacing at the thought of someone's balls being caught in a bear trap, couldn't believe that this was merely the second most painful thing that happened to his friend, so he asked him what was the first.
His friend looked at him and replied,
"Oh, the first. That was when I reached the end of the chain."

UNDERWEAR IS IMPORTANT!

Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle...

From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot.
The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot.
The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car.

On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis.
Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones.
Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place.
She took a deep breath and stood up boldly to face the crowd.

She looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband, who had been standing idly by.
The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.