I was just posting positives on Facebook, for my niece... watching her words, and realizing her struggle reminds me too much of my own...

and I recognized the need to let go of that bitter negativity, and remind myself of WHO and WHAT I truly am.

I am a being of light and love... a good soul. A blessed person. I'm a woman who's got all the power she needs, within... deep within are all the tools needed to not just to survive... but to build a kingdom. A home in this world that is ethereal... dreamy peaceful, sensual filled with pleasure, joy and passion. Passionate beings like this are not meant to hide for long, nor to reject the embrace of those who will love and provide joy, comfort, trust and goodness, as well as being partner and help, someone to be my best friend, and most perfect partner in every way.

I just hope it's not too late in life for that to happen. If so... I'll be alone and my ups will be struggles to maintain until I'm enough for myself again.

the weekend was busy and time for much needed rest.

The Blackhawks game was worth watching while at the concert.. ermm, yes, really, I was perving on the hockey, and basketball goin' on at the bar, while the other bands played. Bad of me?

I needed the distraction from felling strange, out of sorts and out of place... like the bar I've been going to for years is no longer a place I'm meant to be.. except when I feel right about it.

But I loved feeling like I was a part of something in supporting a friend in his dreams ambitions and drive... he's a creative man that I appreciate as a person, not just as a musician or a man I've kinda got a crush on... he's a friend I can talk nature photography with. I bought a band Tshirt, got my free CD, and bought one for one of the other bands that I have a thing for, called Swinging Lights... kinda weird folky They Might Be Giant's kind of mix...

I'm packing away clothing from winter, and going through boxes in my closet, getting ready to take the ones worth keeping, to the storage closet/unit... I need to prepare for a move. Prepare as if we'll have no one to help us, and pray mightily for assistance, voluntary help, by friends, or family who'll prove we're important to them in some way.

I'm hurting dears... I have learned far too much about the views people I claimed as family have of me, of my stupidity in staying in an abusive marriage, and letting men stay close who'd never wanted me to begin with... and assumptions that there was something of worth, from and to both parties... they don't understand the issues in abusive relationships. In victimizing someone who had trusted you... and I'm recognizing that there's really never been any support from family when it came down to my needs, and issues. I'm the one who has to rescue me, or express hurt when someone SAYS they'll help and never follows through... how hard it's been to be stolen from by friends... how hard it is to trust anyone at all these days... and how lost I feel when a sister refuses to follow through on an impression, a strong one, to call her oldest sister for help and will NOT follow through...

I feel sad, knowing how little respect, or trust I have been given in relationships. I feel hurt to recognize there's nothing in them, to have any of them deserve my own trust, either...

So... I will do my best to be fully self reliant. I will plan, slowly, taking my time to move my body, change my demographics and build my life some place else... and in some other way. It will take time, because only my daughter and I will do the majority of the work... I've been rejected already by friends and family. And in so doing they've all said the same thing... "You don't know how much you're loved. There will be somebody who'll help you out."

But I've heard this before. I've also heard, "I'll be there" And nothing followed through on. Too many people assume someone else will do the job, so they refuse, slough off someone who asks politely and they just walk away with no thought about that person...

That person is ME, in reality... People presume someone else will take care of the need I present. They forget that there's hardly ANYONE in my life. And that with my health issues, and worse, those my daughter has... we NEED assistance. And so... a move for us, may take a year. Why? Because not only must we move things bit by bit, get rid of things bit by bit... but we will have no choice but to hire someone to help us out. There is no family, and no friendship to hope and rely on. No, don't tell me I'm being cynical... when family or friends walk in, steal and fill a box that was taped up with a list of all things in it, by OCD me... and fill it with things that weigh about the same, that are garbage, just to take a piece of family history that to them was worth stealing from someone who has little to begin with... is as cold and unkind a thing as if they'd taken it while I was aware... THIS has happened to me in both the move to Utah, and the recent one, from my house in Tooele, after losing my marriage and my own home... they took things that were of value family heirlooms with emotional and sentimental as well as collectible/monetary value... There are people in this world who see a household being disassembled as a pick-and-pull, self service opportunity... not a chance to help someone who's suffering and well, at that time I was supposed to be on bed-rest due to a surgery gone wrong and the resultant infection....

People lose faith in people after a while. I'm cynical right now, maybe... but I have learned some very harsh lessons in the past few years.
So... I'll make slow progress in my life. But at least I'll do what I can to make it a little less dilapidated and scary. Less filled with feeling used, or denied the good parts of life, intentionally.

After what we went through this weekend... I told my daughter her father doesn't deserve to be told he has to help her out, since he's her father... I do not need help enough to have to be abused or mocked in front of others in ways only he knows is hurtful. I was crushed by it this weekend. I now know that once a couple divorce, it is best, to divorce myself from the whole family as well... except... I do have nieces that love me. And maybe a couple of his sisters, too. I dunno. It hurt to learn how unfeeling and how cold people like them are. I'd forgotten that the majority of his siblings are as mentally and emotionally twisted and self-absorbed as is he.

I am learning some awful lessons. But I guess I needed to finally GET them engraved into my heart and mind.

I tried to help a niece who's struggling in so many ways... I tried to help my sister understand that she's got love and support in me. And I learned that my daughter can learn from me. I hope her memory retains what she has learned and shared with me. I do so love her. She is the only other person in this world that I trust to love me and keep me in their life. The only one... and she still gets so crazy at times that I'm ready to scream, cry, institutionalize her and give up trying and coping with it.

Please, please don't tell me that I'm strong... I KNOW that. Don't pray for strength, every time someone does, I get more of THIS. I KNOW it... I don't NEED to be shown that I NEED to be stronger.... don't pray for peace, it only brings me tragedy and heartache. Pray... God, I don't know what to pray for. I'm scared to pray for anything good, or any weakness to be made into a strength... I DON'T want punishment, or sorrow any more. I can't take another strengthening experiences. I can't take any more fear inflicted into my life, or reminders that I"m too fucking broken to be loved... or respected, or valued. I already KNOW that I'm a loss and useless. God, please don't hurt me any more... Just let me survive quietly and I promise I'll hide and get out of the way for the people who're important and of value. The ones who are of worth... Just let me lead my life in silence and in the shadows... let me find a little peace and joy now and then, please? And please let me keep it for a bit? Because I'm tired of being mocked and having it taken from my hands, when I have found it... let me feel like it's a gift, as it should be... instead of only a taunting glimmer that I will never have, just a taste... enough to make me wish, and remember and know that it's wonderful... and that I shall never have it again, for the rest of my days...

I'm sorry. I"m sure I'll remove this just as I've removed all my other soulful pitiful and complaining words that I've posted...

but before I do... I'll scatter a few more of my blessings into this post.

Remember the ones I mentioned about my daughter? She's proving how much I matter. How much OUR happiness matters to her. And how much she loves me.

She is truly the only person I dare to believe in. She keeps saying that if I can see worth in her, I need to accept that there's even more in me... expounding on the virtues she sees in me... but all I know is... it's just too late for me... Karma hates me for something I did or said in another life, or even now... I am a punished soul. But I can find things to be grateful for.

My kid wants us to go up into the mountain canyons more often. She insisted she's going to try hiking with me... why? Because I MISS it so greatly. Because I ache and feel unwell and lacking when I can't get up there for renewal and for soul health... her body is so wracked and ravaged with pain... and yet she's willing to suffer horribly, for love of her mother. God blessed me so greatly with that daughter of mine.

She says she got all her good traits, not from her father or his side... but from ME. That nothing so good could have come from him... it hurts to see that she believes that so completely.. but I SAW with my won eyes and heard how he treats her with his family and with here... this weekend. This daughter of ours... she is the most amazing woman that I know in person. And she deserves so very much to learn of love and be proven loved cherished and called by a father that he is hers, and she is his daughter. Oh, how I'd love to have a man cherish her as much as if his own. How I would love to have a man love me enough to love her as if he'd been the man who wanted her as his child all of his life. I don't know... I barely can dare to hope for that same kind of love for myself. I'm barely capable of believing in it being possible. Still, how I want it.

I got a package yesterday, from a friend.... thank you honey, for your kindness.... you will never know just how much I needed the gifts... nor will I share what I'm going through right now.

BLACKHAWK gear...

tonight didn't go as imagined, nor as planned, neither have any other evenings or days.. hell is encircling me... but I'm glad for a little bit of something to brighten the darkness.

tomorrow will not be as hoped. More sorrows, concerns and sadness to deal with... hugs and loves to share with those I love.. and try to lift up spirits with what little I have left inside of me.

Hmmmm, there is so much to sadden, and to enlighten in this world....

So much to regret and so much that needs forgiving...

so much that I must achieve and so much to break from habit...

It is time for me to begin again...

and again... and, again

please... hold me close... make me feel again... let my tears stain and platter your skin and clothes.. as I release my anguish...

I am so lost and broken... I am drifting away and losing control of the emotional waves that crash and tumble about me...

There is so little of what I was once, about me... all because of the upheaval I've been through... the nothing of what once was a soul... lays unwanted, discarded... and trampled in gray.

today was lovely... got to share Park City with my daughter.... a place I've grown fond of and enjoy exploring...

I love the mountains... hmmm, I can recall hating them, for always being in the way... I love the feeling of being one with nature, and the joy in feeling alive.

I used to struggle just to breathe at 3,000 feet above sea level... now, I can go to over 10,000 and feel enough energy within me to walk or hike and just enjoy the feel of movement.

I miss the trees and water... I embrace every opportunity to escape the rat race... and maybe, just maybe I can teach my daughter the joy of LIVING... really LIVING life as fully as is possible.

I refuse to give up without joy and experience... elation and celebration of life and love and the world around me...

I want to taste the energy of the world in every inhalation of the glory of this world. Ecstasy and and elation should be things we feel each day.

you know that I want you... I have shown you in every way I can... eager to have you close and here with me.... caressing, kissing touching, fingers exploring every inch of one another... making love and making lusty huger grow in one another... a wish finally to come true.... carnal and sweetly tender bliss... tantric touches, lusty tender desire filled kisses and a comfort level that is due to knowing that you want me and that I want you... and exploration... feeling you explore every orifice designed for pleasure with and for one another... and feeling bliss as i rest in your arms, safe content and cherishing every moment of being with you... touch, joy lust and loving friendship shared. Mmm perfection for sure....

Today, how I needed to go up the canyon... I crave and need to see, smell and hear if not feel the cold waters rushing from the mountain... I took my daughter with me... just for the ride, since she too wanted to go up.. right now she's in terrific pain with her fibro and arthritis... add a sinus bladder and kidney infections and she's been doubling up in agony. But still... I KNOW the call of water and nature to our souls. It makes me ache and get so restless when I've not gone up to feel the peace and at-one-ment I need.

The communion with nature and with God up there... is the best source of spiritual renewal I can have. Anyway, though I had little of it I did learn that my new phone's camera isn't bad at all... but it's not submersible like my Pentax.. I need to make sure it's batteries are charged, and go back up there more often. It restores my sanity and emotional health as well as spirituality.

Took photos while up there, at one section of the creek that I love. Posted them on Facebook for family and friends there. I need to get used to packing my camera in my car at all times. I also realize that it's past time for me to figure out how to afford and acquire a DSLR camera with lenses and filters... I miss mine so much. I HOPE my ex USES it... I know that before he married his wife, he wasn't using it at all... which just plain frustrated me, to realize he'd taken it not because he planned to use it, but to hurt me.

Anyway, I LOVE photography. I need to be at one with nature. I want to go up as often as I can... I need the feel of the sun on y skin, the spray of water as well... and the soothing sound of it rushing over the rocks to leap and laugh it's way down the canyon.

listening to the CD's I bought last weekend when with my cousin... and the new one I got from Royal Bliss... old version of their cover for the album... one I don't have a copy of from Lanky's collection. It was cool to see that they'd found old stuff from 10-15 years ago and offered it up for sale.

Spencer asked if I was planning to go to his concert next weekend. I simply said, of course! He asked where Lanky was because... well, everyone I know, knows me as the one woman who's been there with him more than all the others he had played with. I told him we're not together and never were a couple. He asked how life was going for me. I said up and down and confusing. Spencer's a good friend. I'm grateful for those who're genuine and can see me as an individual not part of a couple that never existed. It helps to be accepted... as ME.