this is for someone I know who feels this way right about now... hard to hear this song, but it's poignant to me... found it today and don't recall ever hearing it before.

well.. I got to spend the day with my sister and her hubby. The surgeons office wouldn't let me go home alone. I slept deeply on their couch, she made me on yummy Vegan protein shake mix with fresh frozen fruits thrown into it. It was yumshious!

And dinner was another protein shake, this time chocolate with real peanut butter tossed into it. Reeses on my mind

Tomorrow, a version of my all time favorite milk shake... Chocolate covered strawberry. A concoction a friend made up. I'll be in heaven, for sure!!!

The surgery went fine. I have no residual numbness, just bruises, swelling and pain. All pretty much normal. My doctor made sure to add a coagulant to the IV mix, to help me avoid bleeding out. I'm very blessed. I chose a man with a great reputation. And I got it done inexpensively all things considered. I'm paying for it more in sacrificing paid vacation time... but it's worth it.

I'll relax, sleep and dream. I'll heal and nurture myself.
I'll be okay. I've got to be. I have no other acceptable outcome for this experience.

such a need to progress...

a need to make changes that prove I'm capable, self-reliant, self assured and that I'm ready for the next page, and chapter of life.

I'm letting go of more and more these days. People, things, ideas, lies, and most importantly the past. Moving into the now, as a much more active participant, taking the cues as they come... for my roles and opportunities to move up and forward again.

I am grateful for friends here... friends from work... and musician friends who care.

Grateful for the choice I made to become more THERE for and with family, too. I LOVE them. I would like to have them in my life, as much as I want to have them allow me to be part of theirs.

Unlike others I never presume people WANT me in their world. I don't expect them to think about me, wonder or follow through on that, because they don't.

what doesn't kill you makes you stronger...

*sigh*

I sincerely hope so.

Today my daughter and I decided to start a hunt for a new place to live... we've got months before the lease contract is up. But we'd like to stop settling for rickety and falling apart.
We'd rather not live where they won't take care of wasp nests, poisonous spiders, ants, Box Elder bugs, and so much more...

Between my kid and I we might be able to afford someplace more ideal, more HOME. HER goal... by this summer at latest.

MY goal... by sometime next spring. I've got bills. Debts to pay off. I'd like to get them off my chest, so there's not a real struggle to MAKE it, even with us making decent money.. TOGETHER>

wow.. challenges that were frustrating me were nothing to a friend I was hesitant to call. I avoid meeting men from dating sites for a reason lately... but he got my drivers side headlight bulb reclipped, my fender bolted back on... the other headlight jerryrigged until I can get a replacement clip for it... and, he tightened my accessory belt.

No more squeal!

No more lack of vision when I'm driving in the dark... I HOPE. I didn't try it yet. Ergghhhh, still might be an issue I suppose.

And no more flappy fender.

The drawback is I'm now sick from being around cigarette smoke. and, he's looking forward to more time spent with me. He's sweet, but kinda handsy. Guess I understand... I mean, a woman with boobs like mine that sit RIgHT there... and my leans too loose so the kept baring backside a bit.. well, I'm sure he was just responding to what he saw.

It's life. I'm grateful for someone who could remedy my issues that were scaring me. He'd looked over the damage to the body of my car, from the accident. He looked over the engine, and the front, to verify that the headlight issues were only due to the lack of clipping them into place.

*phew*

I'll deal with the rest later.

I'm not ready for anyone to want more than friendship. I can't go from what I've experienced lately to bouncing from man to man, dating... not yet.

I want friendship.... YES.

Friendship is a hard thing to gauge lately.

But there is also self awareness, and a knowledge of what I need, whom I want and what I need right now.

Bra, my darling friend... I love your friendship.. and the support and strength your words send to me... and so many others who provide positive and insight as well.

This is a worldwide family and collection of good and glorious people.

Odd to some maybe, that truer strength was found here, in support and love, than in the congregation I claimed as my family. And, even more than my own biological family.

I'm liking life as my daughter responds... Mmm, love that word... when she responds to my explanations and expectations, rather than reacting. It's a lovely thing to see her LEARNING and growing.

Tonight was fine... got to spend the evening with a friend that I miss.. one of the few choice local men that I trust besides family.

He'd asked me why I hadn't gone out the other night. I admitted I don't feel safe enough to do that. He reminded me that I don't have to just go to the concerts with him.. that I CAN go without him.. I know, but with my headlights and front end damaged the headlights shine down at the ground too close, to see ahead on the road at all... far from safe to drive. Plus.. I don't know how many of you notice that lone women get drunken idiots hitting on us, breathing puke into our faces or grinding on us, grabbing trying to kiss and not caring what we say... I don't need to feel violated ever again.

Anyway.. I need to find someone who can help me fix my headlight issue and I want to make sure that someone I know will be at any concerts I go to in the future.

I'm more anxious and insecure than I've been for a long while... I detest it.. but I know in part it is the simple letting go of him and of so many people and that I once believed I mattered to. It' time to end another chapter of my life and begin again... rebuild my soul.. rebuild my faith and work to change things in my home and every other aspect of my life for the better.

my gut is churning in the early morning... so, I'm here... been up since 3:30am with this...

browsed sites I only popped into to post mobile photos to, from a new phone... before I took it back to exchange for one tat I hope won't go and kill itself.

yesterday was filled with good... even the moment where I had to tersely reprove my daughter's attitude. no more acceptance and resignation over rude, belligerant and disrespectful remarks tone of voice and attitude...

my 24 year old is having to grow up fast... and I'm pleased with her choices to accept and learn.. I only wish she truly understood the love behind the fierce refusals and reprimands that demand corrected behaviors NOW. I can no longer allow her to feel justified, bitter, or like getting even with others.. or plans to do the same thing she thinks her parents do to her... unforgiving acrid bitterness must end. And SOON.. not decades from now. She asks me now. don't you see that I'm changing? Yes, I do.. Oh, thank God, I DO!!!

She's now so less demanding and selfish. So more willing to help me monetarily and not demanding that I spend every friggin' dime on her... jealous when I buy something for myself... whether because of NEED, or just to reward myself for making it through one more struggle and over one more hurdle. She's finally possibly recognizing that was NOT how things were supposed to be. She MAY remember this time around. Oh, I so hope she can and will. These are lessons I've been working on with her since she was tiny. But her attitude became much more angry, bitter and absolutely manipulative, demeaning, contoling and overbearing over the past few years... while I KNOW why that is... abuse and strife, demands dominand control were a way of life for us... she had the lessons shown her, how to manipulate. ow Mom must be treated... by her father. It is understandable and seen in many cases.. how the child will perpetuate the abuse, because they NEED to feel safe in the known and what was comfortable... no, but what was normal for them as far as they can remember... must be kept close and in every day life.

I have to stop and sometimes make a loud noise or tell her to stop right now, and that she doesn't get to add anything.. but to listen NOW, or else... and then I remind her that was what DAd did and said. This is how DAD treated us, and why I HAD to end the marriage. I was NEVER comfortable, happy or feeling safe, wanted, loved by him when he'd say this or do that... and, I will point out to her the things she does or says that keep his past rage in our lives today. That rage is supposed to be GONE. It is NOT how he treats her NOW. It MUST END. Or our living together WILL end. I remind her with love that if she wants happiness, she needs to express happiness and gratitude. And not cling to that bitter attitude her father poisoned our lives with. I'm done with toxic relationships. I'm done with allowing a family member to block and impede my progress, my joy, and opportunities with their sabotage. She sabotages own relationships. Over reacts and clings too much. Rages and makes no sense and accuses of things that no one would think to do at all. Her mind worries to the point of being irrational, illogical and her thoughts impossible to figure out without an understanding of mental illness. God, The genes for it are on both her parent's genes. She wsan't going to be without these nightmares... but she can gain a template, a blue print for how to think and behave... how to calm herself down and gain control of her amazing slips of sanity. I LOVE my daughter... but I'm right.. I'm raising my mother, and that is hard.. it's not just mother, but my grandmother, my middle sister, and her father and his family all bottled up in there. NOT all of us are insane... but we feel like we are, because of having had to live with such anger and absolute chaos. It shatters lives... I feel broken, forever at this point... why? Because my Momma was shattered by abuse, by her aspergers and by the patterns of abuse in her mother's lineage... and, grampa was biblical or medieval in his punishment and the outcome, frightening. I've recognized the severe bipolar issues in children in each of my sisters families... one child in each so far... I only have one child. They each average half a dozen each. I'm learning the effects of mental illness not caught in younger stages.. but also of it being discovered of counselling and of healing later. I know it's possible. And I know it took severe retraining by my sister's in-laws. They tore her apart with love.. brutally and reconstructed her with love so powerful and pure... she's still the bitter soul but not so deeply into it. She's got her gentle husband who still showers her with love, adoration gifts.of many kinds... the most important, time, trust, support, honor and closest friendship. THIS is true love.

I am learning how unwell people are emotionally.. how justified they feel in continuing/perpetuating unwell habits taught by parents who are also unwell... it MUST be UNtaught... disallowed... rejected as destructive....

and pointed out as absolutely UNacceptable by society and nature.

we are not designed for the wrongness, the sickness or cruelty of a twisted mind... we are designed to respond and reaction should not be the norm... that is for war, to fight or flee when harmed or threatened... a war zone is NOT supposed to be a WAY of life.. it was never supposed to be my life.. nor that of anyone.


on a brighter side... I loved witnessing my sister-in-law's oath of citizenship.. the huge group of 150 souls from throughout the world, sharing determination, joy and tears and challenges met faced and conquered to embrace this land as theirs.

I loved watching my adorable nephews goofing off and oblivious to the whole thing.. I listened with heart aching, to my father's observations and to his pain so complete that every day is an absolute struggle of will to live, over pleaded prayers that God would release him from this huge burden of broken body and agony in every cell of his body. How I love my daddy. just because we missed decades of time between my mother in her mentally deranged state running away with his only treasures, his daughters... and our reunions much later... doesn't mean I had no memories of his adoration and his smiles to hold me up and carry me through some dark and terrible times in my life. As a wee one... I KNEW my daddy loved me in a powerful way.

I loved how raptly my baby brother listened to the court and watched his beautiful wife. I loved the sweet delicate and silvery beauty of my Angel-Mom.. my good and angelic step mom, sitting beside her darling husband and their son.

the sky was blue, sun shining brightly... and the day was perfect for a moment of family for me.. I'm still scared that I'm unwelcome, so it was nice to have my baby bro say he'd love to have me there... I needed that way to spend my morning.

I still feel the emptiness and loneliness from being out of the loop for decades because no one could stand the man I was married to. wonder if I will ever feel like part of my family... I feel like I don't belong anywhere or with anyone.. lost and alone. unwanted because of habits formed years ago.. of forgetting me and leaving me out of thought, heart and mind.

but today helped me for a moment.

today the insurance adjuster came by the apartment and looked over the damages to my car. it took asking why no one was helping or making things happen before someone at the insurance claims office took the proper stance and offered to not force a working woman with heath issues and anxiety to do all the legwork. the accident was late on the sixth of this month... I've been trying to get a resolution since then. They acted as if I were fighting it.. and I've been the one initiating it the whole time. I needed help. I've finally gotten it. I'll have a check some time next week to do some good. FINALLY. Of all things... a minor accident that would cost thousands to repair dents to one side of my car... ended up helping me to take care of more imperative things needing to be addressed. Like a timing belt and someone to finally fix the real and dangerous issue of headlights too weak in power to light the street in front of us... and a couple other things... like paying for the surgery that will keep me indisposed for about 4-5 days in total.

I still need to find my W-2's so I can get the taxes done. Or, at least discover what the grand totals were for last year.. from someone. I need help. I need less stress and less reactive anxiety. I need to pull myself up out of this depression and back into the lighter side of life.

It's why I MUST teach my daughter about her mental illness and how her anxiety and reactions and imagination are unwell. I need her to STOP destroying my efforts for a good, calm and happy life... and to recognize that anger, rage, lies self destructive attitudes and assumptiothat she's right and everyone around her is trying to do her harm, or to me... she's wrong. She's so unwell that at times it baffles me... except... I know her father. I remember too well recent discussions about his paranoid delusions so real to him, yet so absolutely irrational they're foolish and not anything people would do. PERIOD. His mind is so askew... and so his hers. It took him until his mid 40's to get that hugely deranged.. she's 24 and already there... but then, she was pushed and subjected to terrible mental and emotional abuse by him, behind my back. His twisted mind twisted hers... May God heal my baby girl.

My life is not mine. It probably never will be. I don't want this burden. I truly don't! I can't take it. Oh how I wish I had someone who was capable of helping carry this load.. as my partner.. to help me i healing her and soothing her terrified and shattered trust and soul... I love her so... but I also need to love myself enough.. and she needs to love me enough to let me experience love. REAL love.... this is the kind I mentioned below... the kind that grows out of mutial attraction, appeal, respect, appreciation and values and like minds in so many facets the two fit well... as dancers should. as melody and harmony... and rain and renewal. As life and joy and ecstasy in a life filled to overflowing... of rejoicing thrill.

Dreamin' of You.


hmm, I need to learn this song and maybe sing my own version of it.... sweet..
just now going through this band's music.

love.. and relationships... topics that keep being brought back into my world.

How many people would answer me in status land if I asked, have you ever been in love?

I imagine many.

How many would respond if I asked.. have you ever been well loved?

To me, I am not sure that "falling in love" is something I respect. Maybe because the realest and most profound and strongest unifying relationships I've seen.. that truly work, were not due to falling into something with no control... but recognizing someone who makes your life seem easier to bear... someone who fits you, calms you, excites your interests, your mind, heart and soul... someone who's your best-est friend and lover...

You are each independent people, but with so many unifying mutual goals, beliefs and ideals you just like each other respect, trust and value one another more with each opportunity to get to know the other.

this is my ideal pairing. I had a wonderful blessing in my relationship with my sweetheart. I'll forever be grateful for his influence in my life.

And to me I would relish and cherish any other opportunities for such relating and coupling... I'd prefer that it last enough to live together, work and love together, too.

Right now... I am reminding myself that a man who casts me aside, because he doesn't feel that something dizzying he's felt for someone once before, with me... isn't worth the wait for him to find it. I'm too pragmatic, realistic and THERE to ever be that daydream for anyone.

I respect people who're reality based. Who value me and my ethics, ideals and my loving giving heart. I'm me. And, maybe there will be a day when someone cherishes me and who I am... loves me fully accepts me my faults flaws and fears as part of who and what they love more than anyone else... maybe.

My daughter gets so twisted up onside, anxious frustrated and emotional over every guy she sees. Clingy. I can't do clingy myself, it wears me thin. So... I'll just be me. Alone except for once in a while a friend I hope, will want to spend some time with me... but if not... I accept that friendship is just that. It's not drama filled, or it shouldn't be.... it's respect, caring and mutual interests shared... and enjoying time with someone you like and enjoy, sharing your interests and theirs.

I have people who presume my life is tragic and that everything ends badly. I think people that assume this missed the points I make entirely.

I am love and have been loved absolutely. I KNOW what a GOOD and healthy relationship is, now. And I am grateful for every phone call, every moment I had with that dear man.

I know how to make relationships BETTER.. even those that aren't worth most people's time. I KNOW how to show people their good. I care. I love. I help because I love.

I may struggle with self worth at times.. but stuff that in a box, because EVERY healthy human being I've ever known has felt that way when things get hard, or they're feeling hurt.

I deserve respect. I deserve to be listened to, not have people shut their ears and hear Blahh blah bla bla blaahhhh, from me.

There are times when someone doesn't pay attention to what I've told them then want me to tell them all over again after they've made a REALLY faulty choice based on ignorance and not listening for and to everything I tell them. I KNOW how to help. I know health issues, and I know herbals. I love enough topics to enjoy discussions that might bore the dust bunnies under your bed, or excite you into wanting to try something I just shared.

When you choose to make a friendship, it's a choice. It is something both parties have to want. I know a few men who claim their partners turn an unhearing ear to them... but those same people often do that naturally thoughtlessly do that to everyone around them. Or, they just want to talk of themselves, or provide some advice that has nothing to do with the issues that are really there. Just the ones they assume are there.

Ignorance is not part of a working relationship. Self centered attitudes do not impress me. And people who just see the body and not the heart.. well, I meet them, but I don't care for that point of view.

Attitude, respect, caring, listening, truly really and a few other crucial things are what good, well working relationships are based on. There is work in every friendship that succeeds. There is mutual effort in the long lasting love affairs, marriages, and friendships. Passion is part of life for me... but so are many other things that are imperatives for me to allow a friendship or other relationship to last.

Even the ones that upset me.. I elect to allow them to last, or to cast them aside, based on reactions and responses and... on IF the other can learn from his or her mistakes, or mine, and how to better listen, share and ask for help.
Life matters. Friendship matters. And so does love.. not that fickle kind... but the kind that grows and before you know it, it just IS, so strong, so sweet and real.. and there it IS. REALITY logic compassion, respect and so much more must be there before anything lasting will be there for real.

I am a passionate woman.
I advocate for issues. I dive into my relationships with my heart and soul...
and I'm passionate about creation of beauty.. my absolute need for water and nature to sooth my soul.

My passion is lit too by music and the artistic souls of artists, writers, photographers and musicians whom I adore.

I've been supporting local artists, photographers and musicians as I can. The last couple of years I've donated and invested into the production of their music, and have loved the works they have presented and shared.

Been posting links to their fund raisers, adding my own support to them, myself.
Love, joy, expression of self.. all are part of this desire.. the same reason I post here.. not just that I'm encouraged by people who use what I post for their own pleasure.. not just because this place is rich with love, lust laughter and real friends... but because I see the freedom we share in being who we wish to be, for some.... and who we truly are, for others.

Passion is power.