closing my eyes... I wish a lover into my mind... there is no one here beside me.... but I need.

eyes closed I feel the vibrations of my aching and burning desire welling up and ready to erupt into life.

dreaming of lips brushing across mine and a tongue delving into my mouth, to mate with mine... kissing and moaning against my skin... heated breath making my body heat rise....

as my fingers trail over my body towards the heat and wetness... i imagine my lovers strong hand claiming right to expore the path towards my pooling desire... fingers entwined as we both tease and torture my slit and clit... feeling my need begging to be released.... orgasmic bliss...

his fingers wrap around mine and press my own flesh into my pussy, wet, and ready for sin to begging... ready for his touch, too... at first while I finger myself his lips kiss over my naked flesh and then.. down into the well of my hunger... licking, flicking, teasing and fucking deeply into my pussy and claiming, flicking and lathing my clit... I arch my back as he forces and O from my body, swelling thick, my lips grow ready for more... my clit hard and my pussy drenched.. he laps and sucks the sweetness from it.. claiming me as his.. I hear his groaned exclamations of desire of his view of me, my body and soul... how much he'd longed to be here... to feast on me...

how I wish...

sliding fingers into went soft folds and deeper into the channel that brings so much pleasure to both of us... finger crooked and teasing the G spot and then sliding out to tease my little pearly clit... I need to be touched and caressed.. I ache to be made love to... to feel your lips upon mine, tasting my tongue and letting me nibble your lip feeling you tugg and then your tongue begins to penetrate more hungrily as your hands roam over my body. You slide my blouse up over my head, revealing my breasts naked and rosy nipples become erect as you cup one breast... kisses trailed down my neck and shoulder down to lath and suckle that nipple

I moan... need pools between my legs and you lick and suckle the other breast, making both tingle as much as the pooled heat in my lacy nothings... your fingers begin to explore again, and then you slide my skirt off to pull back enough to appreciate the view...

I hear your voice huskily breath out, "God, you're sexy"
My arms wrap around your neck and a smile blushes warmly as i thank you for kindness... lifting my chin you look into my eyes and whisper a kiss across my lips and then reply, "I'm not being kind, darling... you're the woman I've been waiting for" the kisses deepen and I ache to feel you hard and pressed against me... it's been too long since I've been needed by someone who makes it worth being with.. oh make it worth it for me I think and close my eyes as your groan slips me deeper into sinful joy....

I feel your hunger... come to me... I feel your maleness making every fiber of my being fully aware of the power within you calling to my body and soul to let you claim me tonight..

claim me... please prove that your whispers of desire are all true... be with me tonight as too seldom any man has been... make me feel the heat of your lusty and tenderness and make tonight a night we both will never forget... a treasure of hedonistic and tender pleasures.. give me your best, for I'm longing to sing my best through my movements and thrusts... I need your thickness buried inside my sweetness once you've drunk your fill of my juices and let me show you what it is to be with me....

my legs and feet are grossly swollen and in pain... I detest this sort of thing and don't have a clue how to deal with it. Except to have less salt, more water and maybe take a water pill. I can't take potassium pills as they make me very ill.

between this and bloody noses I'm tired. But, that's okay. I'm working my job. I'm focusing on healing my body and soul. I need to go up the canyons soon... I miss them, I NEED it so badly. Just to get up there, and hike a bit. Nothing hard, no pushing to the extreme... but I need it for my spirit, heart, mind, body... SOUL. The WHOLE of me.

I'm tired, so tired. Tired of wondering how can I make it? How will I ever pull myself up and replace that alimony with a higher wage? I NEED it. I wanted it so much for years now... before I met my Alex in person.. before had Lanky living with me... and wonderously was able to support all three of us on my meager wages and pittance of an alimony. The man was homeless, jobless and hopeless... a broken version of a man. While I was just trying to live and deal with grieving and breathing and working and paying my bills. I'm not just barely surviving now, thankfully. I'm pleased to be able to pay off old and new debts. I need to sock away money for the car repairs and move out of this dilapidated apartment building.... for a vacation or two, and for a future bright with hope. I want to rebuild my life. I NEED to build it NOW, while I can...

There are days when it feels like forever since I was touched by the hands of a man who desired me... I wonder if Lanky ever truly DID desire me... or just sex, and fucking... I wonder if love is worth even giving or wanting... it's so seldom even wanted by men I meet these days.. they only want a hook up a fuck date and to dump you at your door when they're done with you... it hurts. Oh it hurts... But that won't be my fate. No dating, no hanging out... no playing with anyone. There is no use in believing men who lie and taunt and never follow through... or simply prove that they didn't want ME and what I represent... a woman who has responsibilities and a daughter who NEEDS me. A woman who won't play or put up with too much Man-Drama... I can't spoil a man... and I've seldom been spoiled or had anyone lavish anything on me... I didn't have the typical teen or young adult life experiences... or romancing by anyone, really... the ex tried, but he'd ruin it by ripping me to pieces emotionally, and shattering my hopes faith, trust and dreams... Poor messed up cruel and unfeeling man...

I'm sleepy. time to close my eyes... I no longer recall dreams like I once did... dreams do not matter. Just pushing through life.. it takes all my energy just to push on through... and so... I'll do it... but I promise I'm too hooked om music and photography and writing to give up on all pleasure. Just on sex love and romance... intimacy and sexual and sensual pleasure. and a few other things that once meant so much that just don't matter right now..

Have you ever wondered...

......... do you ever dream?

There are times when my wishes.... seem too extreme, too filled with hope, or longing... to ever be allowed to come true.

*sigh* so I'm still not even close to posting photos.. still need to take a few more, to make it worth this. Had to go get some up to date equipment for my computer. It's gt issues. And had to get things for the kid and for me and shaking head.. I need a nap, or maybe dinner.

Too many men want to just be friends with benefits... actually more like Fuck Buddies. I used to dive into that sort of thing... though never took up anyone as young as a couple of men I know are... I'm not looking for just a fuck friend. I know plenty of men who would pleasure me well, if I accepted their offers.

I am horny... but being without for as little time as I've been... I figure I'll need much more time. Time to heal, time to get my life in order... time to focus on making life work FOR me... not against me.

And, time to raise my adult daughter and help her become the woman I believe she CAN be if she has a little more fiath in herself. I love her so much... and some times I don't like her one bit... but she is MINE. I can't stand the idea of her father being the one she has to rely upon for anything. There are always strings to be pulled and wrapped around a throat when he helps or claims he will. He is not worthy of her love> She's so hurt it breaks my heart...

Anyway, I guess what I'm trying to say is that.. even though my whole body tingles and vibrates with intense carnal and sensual need... I will deny myself that pleasure...

WHY?

Because I'm not interested in feeling cheap and worthless and unwanted. I'm tired of feeling like I'm being used, or just using someone. I'm tired of men playing me like a guitar that's got broken strings... plucking and discarding it when they're tired or bored with it.

I'm a woman with heat that becomes an inferno of desire and need... I'm a woman who aches because I'm still learning what it's like to be desired, and to be given pleasure, not just used and forgotten until they need sex again... I'm a feast, for him to consume and I will relish feasting upon him as well... but I'm also a woman who loves deeply fiercely and perhaps too completely and gives all that I can...
perhaps too much?

I am trampled and crushed... but I pick myself up and I'll build myself up again.. it's just that... this time... I'm scared to hope too much. This time... I will let HIM prove to ME how much HE needs desires and cherishes me. I've lost my faith and trust... all because it was cast onto the ground, and trampled by those I trusted, desired and loved.

I'm so hungry right now, for a man's fire... I don't know how I'd hold onto myself if a man offered in the right way. I think I'd feel like a starved and hungry xxxxx, aching to partake of his offering and unleash too much of my lust and need upon him.

Right now I'm thinking I need to eat something real.. Real food. Good idea?

Nods, I agree. I'll get my big xxxxx and my nice cock shaped dildo out and ravage my clit to bits with both of them... I am too sexually hungry to be out in public and be safe.

so... ummm, I'm going wonky over shoes again...

high heels, flats, sneakers... boots. lace, leather, hemp, wedges, stilettos and well... I don't dare allow this to get out of hand. I'm replacing broken and old shoes, just like I'm replacing panties and bras. to get rid of broken, damaged too old and wrong sizes... I'm done collecting things that are useless to me.

waggling legs in the air with new shoes on my feet.

Smiling saucily at the thought of your imagination going off somewhere...

my daughter's paychecks get deposited a day earlier than mine.. due to where she banks...
I deposited her rent for this month in my account and after a few errands we went home.
We watched the 3rd Night at the Museum movie, another Redbox rental, when I got to tocking off what I SHOULD have in my account, versus what the receipt told me I had... and I realized...

My tax refunds were deposited some time this week!!! Yayeeee...

Time to pay some bills and time to get a quote and diagnostic on my car. I NEED this treasured gift to last me a while longer.... a treasure, because it was just that... a gift from one of my dear friends from this place. I adore the man... and I miss our conversations. I worry over him and on't know how he's doing, nor where he is... all I can do is pray for his welfare and that he knows he is loved by this woman so far away from him in his Napa Valley.

I know that I am blessed. I am learning that despite my broken heart and sorrow I am loved and valued by people that I'm blessed to know and love as co-workers and friends from all over the globe.

me in a 2015 Corvette Stingray...

one of my dream cars... I think I told you hmmm, a few pages back that I had my friend take a photo of me in one of those sexy Stingrays... Oooooo, how I'd love to take one for a test drive.. shoot, I'd be happy with a Mustang, or Camero, or even something tame with no shakes and rattles or other noises that aren't supposed to be there.

Wanna see how I enjoyed feeling that wheel in my hands, the leather seat cupping my ass? The goofy smile on my face, too? this was all indoors, but it was so cool. I'll hunt around to find the photo.. you know how seldom I show my face... right? Well.... you'll see the REAL me facing the camera... can you take it? Do you dare?

My kid asked, "Who's Barry Manilow??"

Oy... shaking head... I just spent half an hour going through youtube crappy recordings of his music... I'll be looking for his name in the bargain bins at Walmart now... he's going to be here, in SLC soon.

I'm a goofball, I know, but what a hell of a show that would be, to go to!