a thought....

a view downstream

I am thankful for the friends I've gained...

true friendship is rare and I can say with all my heart.. they keep me alive... they remind me of the need to push through life and to fight for my right to live and breathe... for their reminder of hope and of my strength... for the love they spill over and upon me warmly and so freely....

Do you know how rare a gift this is to me?

Today men who care watched over me as I sat bleeding and working through my nosebleed... I've been so tired these days... but my mouth will slowly heal. I have to remind myself that unlike normal people... it will not take days for me, or a couple weeks... it will take that month my plastic surgeon warned me of. So... I will need to be careful and take things slower... no diving into foods and normal life... I've got to take the best care of my body as it is a precious vessel for my soul... it's the only one I've got and I must tenderly protect it. Anyway... I'm grateful for kindness, well wishes and love expressed towards me.

Friends at work, friends through this place and facebook, friends through eBay and art guilds... friends because of events I've chosen to experience... music, fire, light, joy...

I may never have a partner to share my heart and absolute bliss with... but at least I will have friends who wish the best for me... they're more my family than my own family ever was or is.

Thank you, to those I claim and would embrace with my loving arms with joy and gratitude...

The weekend was nice...

finally resolved my phone frustrations and took back the two cheap ones and bought a spendy one... I'll put the money back into my bank, from the refunds.

The Easter weekend was nice, actually.

I headed down to the Eugenian reunion with my friend who is my used-to-be-downstairs-neighbor... also a fellow student at the same HS in Eugene. We were the first to arrive and decided to go for a drive while hoping one way or another we'd either see more cars there, other than those of the family hosting the event, or to end up going to lunch/dinner together someplace down there. We drove through towns and almost ended up south of Provo... while heading back up to Lindon we stopped at the marina to look at the sail boats. I told him about how I'd always loved sail boats, and had wanted to learn to pilot one as a child, still do.. I didn't tell him of Alex's plans for us, with the 32 footer he'd planned to buy ... those dreams and days are gone... still, I also admitted I'd found a Groupon deal for a 3 hour lesson for two, to learn how to work the riggings and sail the boat. More lessons would be needed, I figured and I'd want to continue, if possible. His eyes sparkled as he shared his dreams of the same, asking me to let him know if I would let him know if I bought the lessons, if I didn't have a partner for them.. he'd pay his share and love to go with me. I nodded and smiled, agreeing I'd do so. I've wanted to learn since before his passing... I'd wanted to, ever since I saw the light in my Alex's eyes as we walked on the pier and on the docks amid the many sail boats on Lake Michigan. I have always loved to see the sails on the Great Salt Lake in spring time and summers... I'd love to be out there with them, one day. Anyway, I'm dreaming of water, sails cracking in the wind, and the tilt of the boat as it dips and dives through the waves.

When we got back to the building there were a few faces I recognized from church activities, as a child. It was odd... two of the men asked me who I was after insisting I looked familiar... my eyes. Both were from the same family. It was nice to get to spend time with people who'd known my grandparents, aunts and mother. And some... me, as children.

Last night, I called a few family members and friends, wishing them a blessed and happy Easter weekend. Told my dad about the Eugene reunion and he asked if anyone there might know about one of his old friends... I took his name down and promised I would do my best to see if they could help me relay news to Dad. I later called my middle sister... it was getting late by my sister's time in WI... she was getting baskets ready for her young sons and her grandkids. My daughter had come into my room, wanting to know who it was, and while getting antsy for my attention and time started bantering with me like she used to with Alex. I told sis about how this conversation reminded me of those ones... and of the chuckles and occasional outburst of laughter would follow us from his side... how he loved to hear us talking together... and she laughed and chuckled over it until she had to go... saying how much fun we were to listen to and that we needed to do a VLOG and post it on youtube... how popular it would end up being... Karina overheard, and it reminded me of her desire to do a blog called "Conversations with Mom"

Today, Easter, I sent out texts to Alex's family as well as mine, and a few friends from here and other places. No responses from his family. It makes me wonder and I'm hoping and praying everyone is alright. I love his family greatly.

My daughter and I watched movies, ate ravioli and tried to simply relax... resting is good.

Remembering this time of year... the sacrifices made for us... and the lives of people who tried their best to be parents and examples. I miss my mother... in two days is her birthday... she would have been 72 on Tuesday, had she lived. I miss her. Oh, I miss my Mommy. But I hold on to my memories of her. And that is perfect.

skwwwweeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!

deep breath, slow deep breath... there you go and act like a loony teenager....

looking up as if I'm winded... nodding...

mmmm mmmm mmmmmmmmmmmmm

I'm just getting a little itty bitty bit overboard about some concerts coming up in my area... Nods, nods, uh huh...

Got my favorite 20 somethings with their new drummer, playing next weekend, not this upcoming one...

My awesome locals royal Bliss and Spencer N, as well... and next month, big big grins... Wayland is back in town... JOY of JOYS!!!

Hmmmm, I wouldn't mind me some famous ones, too... but for now, these guys and the rest of the ones I love wil be bugged for hugggggssszzzz by me. One or two give me more hugs than I expect or hope for and they know that means a lot to me.

It really does.

Some hugs are like a recharge to my batteries, you know?

They infuse my soul with healing and energy that vibrates from every atom of me... I need that touch, that connection and that gift of kindness so much.

Music and photography have become more important to me than even my artwork... maybe it's that my eye sight has degraded so much the past 5 years... or the fact that my hands just don't always do what I want them to do... less control, less strength... or maybe it's the joy of climbing around and over rocks, through creeks freezing my legs and feet to bits and bursting out of a forest and brambles into a scene that takes my breath away with joyful reverence.

These two things I need so much in my life... I NEED to go up into the mountains and canyons... so soon. I ache whenever I don't get to follow through.

Ahhh, well... maybe some day in the future.

for now, at least I have musicians and their music to look forward to.

still having ups and downs... and the swelling gets so bad on the left side of my face that the nerves go wonky, radiating pain and worse. My left eye went dark for a couple of hours, until about 40 minutes after I took my super strength Ibuprofen. All while I was at work.

Today was the company's 5th birthday, as far as being here, in Salt Lake City. There was sheet cake and jungle Juice. I couldn't have either. Cake, obviously is solid food and the juice had so much pulp and strawberry seed floating in it it was a risk. *sigh* How much longer is it until these holes heal again???

I was blessed with text conversations with friends from here... over the past couple days. They're supporting me.. well, one is lusty and wants to romanticize... the other wants to support me while I rebuild my self respect and self image... and find my strength again. Encouraging me to follow through on my determination to go without... I'm grateful for men like him who remind me to return to God, find the support of the congregation again... and seek someone who has the values he insists are admirable in me.

Sweet and quiet words of support in emails from a local friend who's from here and HERE, pointing around the room... from Utah.

Texts IM's and vid chats with a friend way up in nowhere...

I've also loved TJ's comments and dearness on FB... and I'm experiencing some very sweet things with some of my friends at work. Just loving gestures of appreciation. Hugs and kindness and concern. Over the past while, several learned enough about my health, what I've survived and that I'm doing all I can to accept m life AS-IS... and of my determination to dedicate much of my time to teaching my daughter to be independent, self supportive, and self assured, so that she can be strong enough, and love herself enough to succeed in life... and, to be okay when my time comes.

I look into the mirror and I don't see the face of a woman who's nearly 50... more, of someone who's frailer than she seems, sadder than she can bear... and who knows her days are shorter than they look... I look into the eyes and at the skin and body of the woman staring back at me, from inside the mirror frame, and there's no indication that her body is shutting down on the inside at all. A glow on my pale skin... freckles still spattering and blotting it... and hair that is thinning so terribly now up on top that I wonder if a hat would make it worse. My head glows of sunburn on top.. shiny and red....
... I hope that no one hears me warn my boss, "I'm running to the restroom again... I'm sorry." And his responses to my plees of help... Dawn, it hurts to know I wish there was something I could do. But transfusions are too costly, Infusions even worse... I cannot afford the debt. And I make too much to get help.

I will live. I could make it two, five, ten... and I HOPE more like 20 to 30 years if I refuse to let go. I need to.
Only for my daughter. There is no other person in the world who would ache as greatly as she will... She cried a few weeks ago, as she watched blood pouring down my face, chest and body... out of mouth and nose... a gusher for hours again... and made me promise to be there for her... to see her find the right man, to walk her down the aisle and then, to watch her babies grow. I promised her that I'll do what I can... herbally and medically to find a way to prove my doctors were wrong. That I can fight this battle and win... for her. I HAVE to.

I live for her. But I also live because of love. It's such a huge part of who I am... I need to make a tribute to the world, of my love. All I can think of is to sing, write and create with pends, pencils, paints, clays, stones wire and findings... gems and clays.. leather and wood... all bits and fragments of my joy.

today, summer came early. In the 70's sunny blue skies and birds twittering.

Instead of expecting my daughter to drive herself to work with the migraine she'd struggled with all weekend, I insisted on taking her to work. I did it.

It was handy having the car... I napped a bit in the morning, then showered and dressed. Took my insurance claim check to the bank and deposited every dime. Took returns back to stores, and got an oil change for my little car. I'm going to have someone check out the engine, since it's going through oil faster than it should. This is only a 2004. It shouldn't be in such disrepair.

I'll be looking into the timing belt and water pump, and how much they'll cost. Same with anything that can be done cheaply for the engine. Gaskets?

I wish I had a second car, or someone we could rely upon. The person I used to rely on is not an active friend any longer in my life. So... I need to rely on myself more and more... and no one else.

I'm learning that I deserve to fight an scratch and work and push myself and my child in order to accomplish our desires. I'm learning that there's no one to trust to be there for me... and I'm the one who's got to be there, supporting myself, lifting myself up and fighting for what I want and believe in.

I tease about how desperate I get without sex... sad thing is, it's true. But, I'd rather never touch a soul with my desire and heat, than play and feel debased afterwards. I've felt that far too often in my life.... years and years at the hands of my husband... and then realizing how little other men valued their relationships/friendships with me. It was all about sex. A dirty little secret.

I'm not a dirty secret. I'm a woman with a heart, a soul, an intelligence that deserves to be known. And I've got a talent for creating and for making everything I do into an art form. I know it's sappy and ridiculous to some... but to me life is beauty and pleasure is a gift to relish. I know some who do not know the pleasures of sex, or of life at all. They're forever in a dark chasm of self defeat and woe. Misery is not supposed to be our companion. Joy, love and hard work are.

Good night my friends. I'm so tired from lack of naps today... but I'm hoping to get enough rest tonight, to focus on my work tomorrow. I want to do my best.

damn springtime...
twitterpating ever human around me.

*sigh*

I am having to use my fingers.. seems my battery charger went wonky on me and now I'm stuck with loads of batteries that won't work and... yeah, yeah, I know I'll have to buy another charger. For now, fingers will have to do the diddling.

On the brighter side... all the fruit smoothies and protein shakes with frozen berries and fruits in them are making my ummm.. my glaze, my juice... my wetness really yummy and sweet. I smell like fruit! Go figure. Just wish there was a tongue and whiskers to enjoy it down there... but, I'm celibate until proven otherwise. There's no one poking his nose around here to see if he can date me.... just offers of play time. I can play all by myself, with my toys, thank you very much. I'm beyond able to handle feeling cheap, unwanted for more than sex, or just used. I'll wait for someone who cares about who I am, how I feel and wants to give the best... because.. *shrugs* once I give, I give my best... and they seem to stop thinking about me and what I need and more about their explosion and their fantasies.

I don't expect love, but I do not want to have anything with anyone if there's no trust, respect, appreciation and mutual attraction. I was married to a friggin' FUGLY man for over a quarter of a century... and of all things, he'd twisted me up enough inside that I was convinced that not one man would desire, want or possibly see anything beautiful let alone halfway decent about me.

I know he was wrong.... but my last man... reminded me too much of how little he valued me, when it came down to it. Oh, he could talk the talk... but in bed, was another story. And in front of friends... still another one.

The one that was pushing so much this weekend for me to consider dating him, was never really willing to follow through. I told him a bit about the relationship I'd had with my sweetheart and he blurted out that he'd never have that kind of strong relationship. Reminded me of the trust issues he's got. Thing is... he's unforgiving, and a grudge holding soul. I can't even do that to my EX, let alone to Lanky.

Maybe I forgive too easily. Maybe I'm too quick to love. I've noticed that both my ex and Lanky seemed uneasy about my love for them, and the fact that I love so fully and easily. It's like... I don't even want to think it, let alone say it... but it bothers me, so here it goes...

If I loved again.. would he think my love means nothing since I love my friends so dearly? Would he feel like he's not any more important to me than the rest of the world? Even when I proved over and over that he is special and what I'm thankful for?

I've been crushed and I'm scared that men will see me as son fickle little soul who falls in love too quickly. Thing is... I loathe that sentence. I don't believe that flirty lusty seduction play based mush is LOVE. True and real love GROWS, you don't fall into it like a puddle of Gooo.... you realize that you and your best friend, the one you have a crush on to a degree... have the easiest way of handling things. Defuse each others stress filled head aches by just being there for and with each other... Life is better, and so are you, because you're with someone that just affects you in that way. It's easy to be more relaxed, more free, more YOU... THAT is what LOVE is to me... of course I want and need passion, desire, sexual attraction, lust and love making as well...

I'm made for sex, I'm made for love. I'm made to both receive and give pleasure and to absolutely love and relish and enjoy it... and to enjoy LIFE. I love life.

back to my pruney fingers... sweet smelling, sweet tasting... not bad.

swollen gums are irritating, but that's okay... been reading the information they sent home with me and I realize I need to be on a liquid and soft smooth diet for at least two weeks. *sigh* I'd better be a brave strong girl or I'll give into temptations and eat something solid. Already did it when I ate some dust from a potato chip bag and mushed up a little bit of a chip until it was soggy enough to just swallow. Gotta avoid anything that could agitate the holes in the back of my mouth... got to give that soft damaged tissue a real and good chance at healing up, fully.

I'll do it... and by gummmmmm... guess what? I CAN say that even though my vegan protein shake mix looks nasty, it tastes great... and it's so filling it's going to get the job done for me, quite well. So, applesauce, posicles, protein shake mix, smoothies, jello, pudding and icecream... yogurt, too... all of these will be my foods. I'll still drink water, powerade, coconut water, aloe vera juice and other natural energy drinks. No hot foods or drinks for a while, either... as in almost a month.

That jaw bone is exposed so I have to be careful and take things slow. I gargle salt water and some antibacterial wash, too. All of this will help.


Now an update on life in general. I'm edgy about my fiances, but I found my W-2's last night. Still no insurance claim check, but I'll check with my agent, next week.

I'm getting calls and messages from guys who're from my past and present... not sure how to deal with it, since I really, really want to just focus on my life, my goals, my relationship with self, daughter, family coworkers and friends.

But I'll admit it's sweet to have one or two actually prove they care and that I matter. I'll be friend as long as I'm allowed to.. and if I don't feel comfortable going to another level, I'll have to simply apologize and back out. I've got a body and soul that need healing and time to do just that... and, if men want to have me share my time with them, they'll discover that is just what will happen... they can go with me where I desire to go and if we're too busy with our current activities in our lives... that's just fine. I'm not going to demand time, and I won't appreciate someone demanding my time at this point... but I'll give it to you, if you earn it... Nods, nods... that's how it's going to have to be. earn it, earn my trust, earn my appreciation for your acceptance, and vice versa... appreciate that I give as fully as I do.. and accept that my life is full of challenges that keep me occupied.

I'll always love some of the men I know. I'll always wish the best for them and wish we had fit together at all. Maybe some day it'll happen. For now, I'm not looking or wanting.

*sigh*

two months without might seem like nothing to most of you... but it'll be that long in days and it's not easy.. but there is no sense in going out hunting as I look back and view myself to have been back in 2011-2012. foolish lonely days... but life has taught me some discouraging lessons. I'd rather be 100% lonely and not playing ever again, than feel so cheapened by someone I trust and adore or be shattered by a mistaken level of trust.

On another note
Post surgery update. I won't be sucking on anything for days... just licking and slurping and drinking what I can... my poor little bladder is keeping me busy, but that's fine.

I'm home resting in bed, still in my next to nothings and needing my toys. I'll break them out and play to try to relieve the sexual frustration.

I'll wait for someone who might never come into my life... but again... I've loved men who didn't love or truly want me and my love... I feel punished for loving them. For wanting them in my life. Not worth a dime. But in hindsight I know I"m grateful to be alive. to have left my husband and walked away after telling him everything that he thought and did wrong... and what was such a trial for a woman like me to tolerate or accept... and my past oh, I still miss Lanky... I still want him so very much... but I love myself enough to no longer accept being nothing but another chat whore in his mind.
FUCK that! I was in the flesh, a friend and lover...

And now... well... I don't see anything i the future with anyone, just me, my fingers and occasionally a toy. Get it over, get it done... sexual pleasure isn't important when it's not really pleasure, it's just empty and useless. I'll play alone until someone proves his interest is in ME... all of me. Just hope he's not scared away by my passion, my lust, my joy and my love.


Back to the mouth... it's feeling so tender today. But I'm grateful to be home alone with my pain and just resting. bruised, crushed and swollen. my lower lip is torn and battered, too.. but when extracting teeth and removing bone... well, go figure, eh?