today wasn't as bad as I'd feared... even though we were all n the phones, only a handful actually took calls.

I left early, using VTO, with mandatory make up. 1/2 hr per day for the rest of the week. I figure it's fine, since I'm there a half an hour early due to the shift my daughter works. I may as well get paid for being there.

it's so hot here, it's amazing... in the mid 70's in March?

even though chuck's hockey team didn't win... and ratedM's won the bet... chuck and ratedM chose to give the nudles for month's worth of premium to me... I'm honored to have gotten that gift.

Gonna make USE of it, for sure. Nods, nods.
add photos to my blog. delete a few from my gallery, maybe?

and just enjoy adding a few souls to my list of friends... maybe search through old messages to find a few I miss hearing from, as well. who knows?

Thanks to two men who enjoy statuses and the fun of this place.

I'm tired... not sure how to stop the nose bleeding thing this time around... *sigh*

trust me I don't need iron, my blood clots too fast if anything... I won't go into the details as they make my kid's own gag reflexes kick into gear just hearing about it, let alone seeing it. She described her own image based on my description.. she got it down pat **shudders** it's just too damn gross to want to share.

but here's some good news.. the spider bite from last spring/summer.. might be healing up finally.
applying the old ointment on it daily again after promising my kiddo I'd try not to forget. the bruise is getting smaller, clearing up.. and the itching and the hole are going away again.

yesterday my front drivers side brakes started grinding and there was a clunking and kathunking too. Thank goodness Les Schwab guys got the replacement part. a caliper dropped its bolt and came loose. They'd just replaced my brakes and two weeks later I'm thinking I'm wasting money on the car. No charges for the service was all the guy kept saying.. and I thanked him as well as mentioning that I felt it was their responsibility since the brake job had been so complete... but again, I know that I go to them for a reason... they've taken care of me plenty of times in huge ways.

But I think having walked home rather than wait two hours in their waiting room was what caused the stress to my body... added to the emotional draining. I walked home, took a nap then when the car was finished I did everything I could to avoid adding more sunburn and heat/sun caused headaches for the walk back down there. I should have walked slower than my one speed of power walking.. but I was just trying to focus on moving my body forward and getting there.. I needed this overwith. And I needed to have a safe car for going to and from work tomorrow.

still need to figure out how to aim my stupid loose headlight bulbs. people are idiots some times. Taking the wire clips out like that truly baffles me. But I'm the one living my life. I'm the one responsible for making it better. I will forever pay the price exacted of me. That is life.

Life will be better.. things already are flowing towards resolution for a few aspects, right? my teeth will be removed in less than two weeks. every payment on my old debts and new one brings me closer to paying them off...

and even though teaching my daughter about life and relationships is a horrible chore because she hates being shown how much pain she has created in her life and mine.. and being force fed the rules of respect and family and relating to others makes her rage and rebel.. these are things I tried to teach her long ago.. but being married to someone who got away with breaking every rule of decency honor and respect was an example of the opposite.

This is my heart ache.. this is one of my greatest sorrows.. that she balks and refuses to learn as I far prefer to learn.. by being taught by someone who loves you and wants you to avoid continuing the vicious cycle of a rage filled and unforgiving heart... she has built hers to be bitter and unrealistic in view. I want my daughter's life to have some hope joy and positive in it... not this negative charge that constantly shorts her out in every way. This is one of the greatest factors in my own depression. I've let her rage and refusal and justification rule me and my life. I cannot allow that. It's why I'm standing up and making her listen, telling her about the light she's missing in her soul and what I want for her. My love for her and my inability to live with such negativity and lack of love and positive. I will NOT allow it, just like I had to say good riddance to her father, if I must, I will do so with her. THAT is a huge nightmare for me. A huge one. I hate it. This is my CHILD. I shouldn't have to make her leave and be gone from my life. I shouldn't have to threaten her with that choice. But I HAVE to, for my sake as well as for hers.

I don't understand why this has to be. It hurts so much. I LOVE my daughter. She's the only reason I'm alive as long as I have been. She gave me a reason to stay in this world. Being a mother. Being her mother is still a good reason to want to live. But it's also so hard, because she is so unreasonable, irrational and unbending. So unwilling to see the world and life as something to enjoy and a reason to let go of anger and hurt. If you don't let go of it. If all you do is cling to it and relive it over and over, you're sending a prayer for all the bad and negative in the world to fall upon you. How can anyone WANT this? How can anyone wish this on themselves and thus also on those they love. Every memory that is filled with justification for anger, is sent up into the universe, begging for a reply. It will only be met with the same kind of static and negative. there can be no positive from negative.

There must be a change of heart. I don't know how to help her. I beg, I teach from my own example and I plead. But so long as her heart is filled with disbelief, fury and bitterness... all she will receive and give is just that. I cannot live with that. It is not that I am weak. It is that I am DONE with that sort of energy being a part of my life. I do not need it. I do not want it.

I have been blessed with so much good. It is why I cannot be stopped, even by depression... not even this horribly strong and powerful negative one. Because I love. Because I forgive. I HAVE to. I have had to since I was young. It is the only way to find peace... by forgiving myself and those who harm me or mine. I forgive because of necessity. I need to be me.

tired of bleeding for no reason... just sniff, something tickles and next.... endless red, drips and spills everywhere.

I still feel such a pull to just give up on hope.
on love and life.

After talking with my baby brother... I see too much of the sorrow I hold, within him.

He too feels like a reject. That no one but his wife could love him. I HOPE they both prove LOVE to one another... I ache for him. I beleive he blames himself for his sons both being autistic.. That he too is special like them...

he IS special... and, he's got a valid thought there.

I grew up with a mother who may have been autistic(Aspergers Syndrome) herself. It would make sense.

Thing is... there is autism and Aspergers on both sides of MY family, from what I'm seeing. And, my ex... Aspergers on his father's side and severe mental disorders on his mother's side. Chemical addiction, too, like on MY mother's side.

My poor baby girl had no other way to be created than WITH that syndrome, based on this information alone. Add the chronic challenges that her body pose for her... and I admire her desire to stay alive, for me... and truly value her great love for me.

I'm trying to teach her about relationships. I'm trying to teach her the importance of letting go of the hurt, the anger and sorrows from the past. I'm trying to explain and teach her that you don't have to let the past rule your present, or remove real hope for a decent future...

and then I go and have a pity party and want to just stop hoping.

After all... I've been reading about the Master Feminine... how our first three sexual experiences (actual penetration) imprint forever a template that we look to for the men we're attracted to. It also mentions the impact of male role models that lead up to those sexual experiences.

If this is embedded within my DNA, and mind as the book proposes... I'm screwed. In a very bad way.

My husband wasn't attracted to me sexually before we got married. No trace of desire let alone treatment of a positive nature.. though, in hindsight, I suppose it wasn't bad until he knew I was his. Then his facade went down and his true self came into view. If only I'd known it wasn't simply pre-wedding jitters, and was how he'd treat me for the next quarter of a century plus.

My next thousand or so times were all with him. My first other than hubby was my affair with a man from here. Both of us married, and he'd made it clear I wasn't going to be his GF, and that it was just friends beyond the sex. Apparently I was the only one he didn't give gifts to, go out with, take to a motel or hotel... We just got the truck a'rockin' and I'd need to leave. He made it clear he was attracted. But he had someone or some others on the side as well, I'd discovered later.

My next was a coworker. The man who flipped me for a fix and for too much out of my pockets.

There was NOT trust in my marriage. He was unpredictable, angry and loved to watch me fall, literally and figuratively. He was cruel and abusive, unkind, and mocking. He humiliated me in public.

I look at my flings and play and... at the man I still feel a great longing for... and realize that I've been drawn to men who will never want just me... men who can never, or who refuse to love and need me more than anyone else.

I feel so broken, by the knowledge that, I too am most likely an Aspergers person. It explains a lot, I guess.

I feel so utterly hopeless.. because I now know I'll forever be looking for someone to NEVER love, respect, desire and utterly need me as the most important person in his life.

why bother hoping wanting, or believing? why bother touching any other man for the rest of my fucked up life? Why bother believing that my loneliness and aching will be quelled by someone who will cherish me beyond that which I have ever known?

It simply isn't meant to be. My first few experiences preclude any hope for something or someone better.

I think it's honestly my only option at this time... to be celibate. To avoid intimacy in friendship with any man. I love and want men. I am sure I could enjoy deeply a woman's passion, but still... I crave a man. Something magical about the pairing of male and female to me. Something too perfect to ever want to have less than the incredible perfection of him deep inside of me.

I just don't see the reason to have sex with someone who doesn't want ME. There is no one in this world who will want me once he gets to know me too well. I honestly cannot believe there is even one soul out there. I used to be sure that God had contingency plans for us... That there were several who were wired to fit us well enough and that we could custom craft our own relationships to become the perfect one. But I'm seeing and hearing that that is all wrong. And I figure there is little left for me.

ahem... confessions...
today I decided to wear... **shock**
a pencil skirt, a v necked blouse and fancy heels to work... even wore panty hose....
I know, amazing isn't it?

well, for the recent me, it is...

I used to wear thigh highs and lacy panties, or thongs to work... high slits, or tight short skirts and stilettos or high wedged sandals to work.
silk or sheer blouses over a chemise or tank top underneath... sheer skirts that sunlight passed through to tease with a view of my legs...

I wore almost all black today. I'm in love with my pleather biker chick jacket with the faux fur collar...

but I wore my black short pencil skirt, the deep V neck over a turquoise tank and my patent leather high heeled wingtips.
My buddy on the other side of the barrier for our call center... ogled me as I walked back and forth to and from the break room during my 40 minutes before shift... once I was done and it was time for me to clock into my phone... I looked over at me....standing 6'5" with his long hair draping over his shoulders stood up looked over the barrier and said, "Wellll, hellooo, Trouble," looking me over. "What's up with you, today?"
Waggling his eyebrows he wanted to know what was going on AFTER work today.

I smiled sweetly and then thought a moment...

I told him.. "I needed to remind myself that I'm sexy, and I'm worth looking good."

He nodded approval and waited. As we both sat down (I can still see him peek over the barrier easily) we talked about how we used to dress... cashmere silk, good looking...

I told him I needed that reminder. That I'm still there.

I'm still in there, somewhere... under all that quiet resignation and black.... I'm still here.

I talked with my dad today.. so nice to hear him... even though he sounds like he's got cotton balls in his mouth. He's down to four teeth in his mouth, due to the radiation therapy for his facial cancer.

He's lost a lot of weight has an absolutely dry mouth and sinuses. Is basically miserable but looking forward to having his radiologist review his health, and progress re shrinking removing the cancer.

It still worries me more than I suppose it should... this is my DADDY... and he's fighting a similar cancer as the one that ravaged my sweetheart.

Damn, I miss him. I listen hard, to hear his voice on the recordings he'd made of consultations with his PCP and back when he was working, with his business partner. I MISS him.

Another woman at work recently lost her grandmother, to cancer... and was fidgety because her daughter was in labor the other day. And yet another is struggling over the cancer her dad's being told he has to prove. Lost his health insurance, so he's stuck with nothing. Another's father-in-law if fighting to get disability and Medicare... it's so hard to watch people right there, on my project, emotionally where I was in 2011 and 2012... and 2013, too. It's not easy watching those you love hurting. Lacking assistance they MUST have to survive.

Their pain revives mine... add to it that I'm still in shock over the experiences I've had to go through... I'm still not sure if my relationship/friendship is over fully with Lanky. I still miss him so much, too...

I miss my baby brother, today is his 42nd birthday.. so what do I do? I call Daddy. He gave me his number and told me he's working in the temple tonight... Religion runs through the blood of much of my family. Not saying I don't believe in God... you KNOW I do. Not saying I don't believe in right, wrong, up down or love and life... again, read me, and you know I do.

I haven't seen my brother in years. I haven't seen my nephews, or my beautiful sister-in-law, my step siblings... or anyone, other than my one sister and her family.

I haven't seen Gramma (mother's side)since her birthday in May of 2014. I'm a stranger, I feel lost. But at least I did see my cousin from England and her mother, my sweet hoarder auntie (dad's sister).

I need to reclaim my family ties... and reach out again to those people I adore. I need to... but WILL I??? I dunno

something to sink my teeth into... distraction

been discussing my past, my life.. the traumas that I've experienced.. only those that I remembered and started to relive due to my experience two weekends ago.

I exclaimed at one point that I'm a mess, chaos in a dress... that is me. I feel like the chaos surrounding me makes everyone dizzy, confused and sucked into the endless whirling tornado that engulfs me... my love, I'd said, isn't wise to share or have. It ruins friendships destroys lives. Why ever would I wish destruction on those I love?

But then, I know that the rush of the dizzying ride I'm on... makes me breathless, and flushed and dizzy, too... but I'm alive. I'm almost okay. I'm too tired, though, and allow myself to feel hurt, presuming that I'm destructive which makes me too ready to bolt, to flee... and leave you in my wake, empty, because I can't take another crushing brutal blow... and I can't take harming someone whom I love too fiercely.

I'm so scared of who I am, of being too wild and careless with my own self... I know I'm in a self destruct mode. My depression is REAL. it's not just mild and controlled anxiety. This is ruling my life. It's something I've tried to fight, to ignore and reject as reality... but it IS real, and it's why I went to Wendover. It's why I've been trying to make life so miserable that every person I love and adore will leave me, let go, because of the pain I create in my relationships with them...

I don't want to die. I don't want to force those I love and adore away from me. I want to be able to love them freely and I wish they could love me... and yet... I'm scared of being loved. I'm scared of then being left behind, alone, and worse off.... alone in the cold and dark. Again... or worse, not alone, just left empty, running on auto pilot, barely alive.

Just existing.

...that isn't enough.

I want LIFE.

Yes, I am the passionate and lusty me... but I'm scared, more than I've been for a while... of love, of never finding it again... of being lost forever in this fog of fear and gloom and aching.

I'm going back onto my herbal meds, the ones for anxiety and depression and hormones.. I suspect it's much due to hormones... I HATE Menopause... seriously it drives me crazy, and into a tail spin... I need to pull out, and carefully back up to glide and feel the sun on my soul again.

sleepy dreamy dozy mee.... so tired these days.

miss sex to release my aching
miss arms to wrap around me tenderly.. pulling my body close to snuggle and snooze together
miss hands exploring and copping a breast..
I miss breath against my skin and whiskers tickling and prickling me

ahhh well...
tonight I'll dream

laying naked on clean sheets... wondering... wishing. but afraid to hope...

wishing and needing.... but that's just life.

kicking feet, curling toes... reading statuses.

laughing on the inside at an anecdote.

smiling and realizing that... I'm not alone.

things have just changed.

I still love the men I've had in my life.

I still want and desire someone who'll STAY in my life for a while.

I still want to become a better version of me.

I'm still the horny little woman who can't stop going bonkers a few times a week when I just end up having to slide my own fingers into my slit... tease and please myself because, oh, how I miss being touched, being held being licked and kissed and filled with a man filled with need desire, lust and attraction to me... recollections of what he's had.. and what he'll have with me in my tall soft bed.