hmmm, shaved smooth as I tend to get myself down there... annointed with my oils and rubbed down with lotion...

how I wish and dream for someone to make me moan and groan and to taste that wet, wet dripping slit.. from front, to back and back again... God I need to get laid... and eaten, and pleasured and to tease someone to bits..

I still fantasize about training a lover... to be MY lover. To crave and need me... to know the pleasure of me... my dirty mind and naughty self... the woman I do my best to hide from those around me. Some would find my fetishes and desires good. Though I know plenty of men who love to lick and nibble suck and taste every inch of a woman... I've never gotten enough of that. I'd like to teach you... my decadence... well, my dream lover... how I wish I could make him see and ache and cum for me, over and over. I'd teach him well... I promise to make him a happy and hungry man... hungry for my body mind and soul... for my sweet torture and lovemaking... torture merely in that I'd teach him his potential and build him higher....

Old men with pacemakers beware. I'd wear you out, and young men, don't be rough and violent.. that's not me...

rough as in animal and carnal... now, that can be splendid if we're careful. I'm delicate these days. My body has limits and so does my heart and soul. Trauma is NOT for me, brutality, never... love, lust and pleasure... teaching you how to gain that higher level of both... that is mine to teach.

Pussy and ass cleansed and smooth... oils to purify and heal my skin... lotion too... and dreams of my slit slick with desire for my dream lover... I need, I ache... and I'll probably wear out batteries all weekend long. Dreaming wanting and wishing I had a face buried in between my legs, feasting on my lusty self.... and filling me up, too... I need some....

shaking head... ever get so full of lusty fog that it's all you can do to try to pretend that smell isn't you? drippy wet, and smelling of sexual fire...

I've gotta get a handle on this. Nods... and soon.

never mind... in my mind I'm feral... hunting.. ready to pounce and eager to be pleased.... batteries are charging by the bed today.

another one... I'll be listening to this on my way up to Ogden, today... two of their albums. Love the positive and joy in so much of this one album.


honestly... even though I'm scared and full of doubt... I want so much to have someone make me feel this way and to give him a reason.... I want this as part of my life... I am wired for loving and giving and being a part of a partnership that goes beyond what I've had.

Woops, there we go!!! BLUSHING

I like the message of this song... and I thought you might like the hint of perfection in the photo on here, too smiles and winks...

I need to start working out again. I don't ever expect to get back to looking THAT good.. but I remember days when my 4pac looked mighty nice.

Listen to the words... I know men who run away from women, and women who run from men.. because it's just too hard to fathom someone who can seem so perfect for and to them. WHY? Why do we do that? I did it because I was sure no one could find anything attractive about me and my so imperfect body and soul. And that was back when my body was lean, muscular and.. well, I was a hot looking chickie? Why did my family make me see nothing good in me? I dunno. Hindsight says my Mamma was scared I'd be like her and break hearts and have mine broken. It already was.

Guys who were extemely handsome, well rounded in personality and so above the rest... they were the ones who did what they could to capture my interest. A couple young self made businessmen who had everything already in their 20's. Some who would become dentists, lawyers and business owners. Most were athletes, some even had Olympic medals. I walked away, scared and sure I COULDN'T be what they were looking at and for. Anyway, nobody's perfect... that is a dual message. Can't be as perfect as she seems? Or maybe she's even finer than you dare to dream... Perfection is in the eye of the beholder.. in the heart that mends a soul, and in insight and instinct that says there's more than the flaws and failures that person points out in themselves... they're so much more, and so perfect in their imperfection. I can see it in so many... The PERFECT in imperfect people. Love shows that to you. Love makes you a better version of yourself... it is the perfector. Now, back to the song...

Enjoy one of my favorite NOT Utahn bands that not enough people know about. I LOVE these guys as people, and I LOVE their music and down to earth naughtiness.

[youtube]9rzxFfdSD50[youtube]

teasing...
Mmmm, I have at times said I'm a Foodie... I tease and taste and use things as toys... and as part of my exercises to strengthen my pussy muscles... keigels ???

bananas, cucumbers, mmm zucchini too... strawberries and cream... lick it right off my belly thigh or somewhere else... chocolate, caramel sauce... imagination runs wild...

I long to be the focus of a good tongue lathing....
nipples, lips, neck... tummy, legs ass... almost anywhere...

mmmmm mmmmm mmmmmmmmmm, been too too TOO long since I've been tasted.

tonight... let me dream of your body close and warm. Snuggling under the covers tangled together, in bliss...
gentle snores and sighs in the midnight shadows....

warm breath on skin and hands that roam in sleepy dreaming...
just so comfortable together.
touching, kissing, teasing in our resting and moments of partial alertness to the other still there...
arms and legs... fingers running over muscles and massaging joy into your aches...
missing your whiskers brushing over my breast and neck. smiles at feeling you close.

Dreaming

I regret the trip to Wendover.... the concert was good. Shorter than their local ones but the light effects, and everything was well done.

The rest of the time I was trapped there, in hell. The couple I went with are NOT the good kind of drunks, like my baby sister... silly funny nutty.... the man was dangerous, volatile, abusive.. violent. I witnessed abuse and bitterness, insecurity and dangerous irrational thoughts. He was of line and out of control.

I severed friendships on Saturday. He'd severed his with me because I'd hastily taken off... with his apparently unmarked unregistered gun in my bag... but I was terrified he'd threatened to use it.
Have you ever witnessed a drunk or drugged up man insanely jealous and dangerous, hunting for his woman? I have. As a child...

Memories of fear and absolute terror hit me from all angles... from my childhood, from my marriage... witnessing how he tossed his wife after making her imbalanced... her falling... I now knew what it looked like to witness my falls. Memories of his threats filled me...

Anyway, a lone woman, under prepred for freezing weather... walking from casino to casino wondering if I'd find a ride with someone I recognized from the concerts for Royal Bliss... or find the fun bus before the last one left.. I didn't. I tried but each one left before I got to the pick up areas. The next one would be in the mid-afternoon. I could NOT wait that long to get myself back home safely. I was also waiting and hoping, wondering if anyone I'd called would reply, but no, only my poor daughter, worrying over her mother, trapped so far away. My car keys in my pocket.. the car in their driveway.

eventually they themselves drove me to their home after a sleepless night for me...

I drove home immediately leaving without a word to either of them... picked up when Lanky returned my call while on a break at work, asking about my confusing messages. He sounded crushed and moaned that he'd have been there to get me had he picked up. Had he known. It was too late for that now... He did help provide me a tool to use when PTSD feels overwhelming... threatening to drown me... I learned and it worked... I was able to focus on the immediate past.. and then, the NOW. No longer allowing it to rule and trap me... It was empowering to me.

I'm safe, I'm home. I slept for hours after getting home. I hadn't eaten since the previous afternoon. He called later and when he dragged that out of me, instead of heading back to Ogden, after his visit with his kids, he came over with a pizza for me and my daughter. I'd told him some of what'd happened.. he still doesn't know all of it. Just enough to know it was too much and unacceptable for people who professed to love me as a friend to allow me to witness their darkness and ugliness. Hugs and support were something I truly needed. Oh my baby girl got them and gave them... that nightmare... unlike when I went places with my husband and she was advised I'd not be coming home that time... she'd ache fall apart, and be in a terrible place emotionally because she wasn't always allowed to talk with me and he'd threatened her about what would happen if she told me what he'd said to her....
so when things went south I admitted to what had happened, talked her through my walks and where I was. Encouraged her that I'd be fine... I am now... or I will be.

apparently I have friends who'd have given up sleep and driven hours to rescue me... and I didn't call any of those ones. I am learning who my true friends are... and who aren't.. that's for sure.

I am learning that some make assumptions or foolish choices... and some would do anything they can within their power, to help someone in need.

I learned a harsh and very ugly lesson...

but I also learned how to control fear and recycled nightmares and memories. I learned that I'm loved by more than just a handful of people locally.

Nods, I know there are people thousands of miles away... but I'm talking close enough to do something, to actually help when I'm traumatized and stuck in a nightmarish position. I needed to get OUT of there and return home. The people I DID call were asleep or just didn't choose to answer my call.
I hope everyone who insisted they'd have helped will follow through if there's ever a need. Because if they'd turn their backs or not care... I'd know their friendship isn't as true as they'd claimed it to be.

I don't think I want to go anywhere, for a while... I just want to stay close to home for a while. I'm going to play it safe. Never go away without a contingency plan, or someone who's willing to be my emergency call.

I didn't know if I could take being honest about that night... but I had to... might remove it. I don't want something like THIS to stay on my blog wall...

today I got to spend time with my kidlet...

I'd forgotten about thoughts on what we'd do on Friday night when I'd said YES, to my friends, about the concert. And, she'd forgotten about the plans she'd made with her father, to pick her up from work and spend time with him... and maybe his family? And, that I'd be gone all night. Poor kid.

I'd wanted to take her for a cheap dinner, a promotion we'd seen posted on FB. Ahhh, well. that's life for two busy ladies.

We spend more time together really talking when we're driving to and from work, now. She's exhausted after work. I wonder how she expect adding dating to her already overwhelming stress and lack energy would really help. I've advised her many times to first get the hang of the job and get a set shift and THEN after becoming accustomed to it, add dating to the mix.

I've missed the conversations on the road from work, but she's chosen not to wait for me and to accept rides from coworkers. I understand.

I miss other aspects of life, too... but that's life. Accepting it

embracing it.

making it work.

mouth update, too...

I've got enough in my Medical Savings Plan VISA card, to put a downpayment on my oral surgery.

I was informed a 4 day weekend would be best... Thursday through Sunday? Friday through Monday? Either way I've got to make up my mind as soon as I can. I need this done. I thank God for my daughter's job. Without her working, I couldn't afford to be paying off debts, getting things done and planning on a few big changes and opportunities in the future.

It means so much to no longer wonder HOW I'll take care if this, or when I can do that... it's more timing and making sure I can cover my expenses and issues.

Tax refund will help towards a few things... relieve the stress more than anything.

Life... is a roller coaster ride.


so many here mean so much to me

so glad to have such a tight knit family across the globe... right here.

Good night all my beautiful, adorable, sweet, gentle, naughty, handsome, charming, dear and good friends...

xoxoxo

looks like I'll have a little fun this coming weekend... taking the "fun Bus" to Wendover, with friends, to see Royal Bliss play in a big venue.

Sean had been so excited to show me his photos of his guitar and of Jared's drum kit for the show... It's cool.

I've got a concert coming up up in Boise, gonna enjoy it with a friend.

I'm also trying to figure out just how to afford the ticket to go with friends to the Queensryche and American Hitmen gig on March 19th.

... and later got the girls night out with some supervisors I love as good and incredible women who mean a great deal to me.

I'm thinking I need to file my taxes THIS WEEK!