on my way to get my daughter... instead of taking the elevator I took the stairs and back doors, through the smoker's area... I didn't mind. I got to see friends, people I don't get to visit with very often...

A woman who'd sat beside me, and a guy I helped train. She left me while still conversing with the young man... who picked up on my singleness and went from there to talking about drinking, clubbing then to his experience training as a Medical assistant... and how he'd asked about sweet spots and ended up taking the whole class through over a week's worth of distractions. i could feel my face turning red over some of it and vibrations starting down there in my MMMm hmmm... needed to get out of there, fast... daughter waiting and me on the verge of violating him right there... he grabbed a hug, nice long and close... Damn...
shaking head.

I had a lazy day on Sunday... stayed lounging around my apartment in my undies (some of the time they were on) and my night shirt... my brown one. size Men's medium... love that one, since I imagine it being a hug from my sweet Alex. I admit I've got old ratty hole dotted ones from my ex husband... and a shirt that I bought for and then stole from Lanky... a gifted hand me down from a guy I almost ravaged... and a few men's shirts I was given for just being down at the Royal at the right time for free stuff.

I loved just relaxing... but was aching and itching and twitching to be out and up in the canyon... chasing the spray of a waterfall and the reflection of the sky in the creekbed... how I love to catch the glitter of the sun in the surface of the water...

I got a frozen and soaked foot, the other just a little wet... but that was due to falling al the way DOWN in and the water drowning my foot. No stopping that. I'd already discovered these ones were really waterproof compared to my other pairs.
Silk liner socks inside soft merino wool ones helped a bit... I captured over a hundred photos in a flash.. most aren't worthy of a view.... but at least 50 are nice...

I needed to hear, see smell and feel it, and to capture it in digital frost glimpse of my time and love of the world in which I live.... for those who're friends on FB, you can see them any time.... the few I posted.

I needed my moments in the Rockies.... the mosses and water, snow and cold slippery rocks are something I love dearly.

I was just browsing all the things my friends post on FB.. and found an hilarious dance vid to a song I just flipped over.... Not just the video but the SONG>.. sounds yummy. I'd love someone to kiss ME like a lollypop!!!

I need to find the dance video if I can, on Youtube... To share it... truly a HOOT and the talented dancers were great.

I'm just glad I found Clarence Carter and his song on there.

So, valentine's day is over... whew.... sorry... I Do know that many celebrate it and use to to kindle their romances and marriages higher.. for those who do, KUDOs to you. But for those who merely wait for that day to act like you care, or feel a NEED to spend that day romancing SOMEBODY.. please reconsider your value, and realize that this is simply another day on the calendar.

My mother used to make a huge deal over any holidays she enjoyed. I used to have cute little things to scatter over my room as a teen... but I'd never gone out with anyone at all. I'd never been asked clearly enough, to go out on a date when young. I didn't realize until I was 19-20 and older how many handsome sexy and good young men had wanted my attention way back then... nor, that I had not just a decent body but one that was very appealing to the majority of men and women.

Anyway, on Valentine's Day and New Years... I was the one people called to baby sit. They knew I had absolutely nothing going and paid me well to stay up late for their special romantic dates. It made me sad inside, but I'd accepted that as my fate.

I later started going to young adult functions and experienced whmost girls had, when in Junior and Senior high schools. I was still clueless about my appeal, and about relationships and attraction, sex and how men and women respond, react and how our bodies work.
I TOLD you I was clueless. I MEANT it! No support from my mother, and being conveniently distracted with days off from school for fun reasons by her. I missed out on every sex ed lesson from Elementary through high school grades. Ideally a parent allows their kids to take these and supplements that with their own versions of sexual education. My kid knew about reproduction and sex, when young She heard my screams and moans and the squeaking of the springs from the time she came home from the hospital. It didn't happen often enough for ME... but at least it did happen most weeks.

Valentine's day was when her father and I met at a church run dance between two university campuses... a pause and recognition of them being rivals should have sealed any thoughts of dating and ended it right there... oh well.

Valentine's had always been my biggest baby sitting weekend up until THAT very year. It wasn't high on my list, but I'd envied those couples and their determination to get away and remind each other of love sex and all of that... He'd hated that day... so why did we both GO? I went to get out for once in my life.

We did the Valentine's thing now and then. Our daughter was due a few days afterwards and he'd admitted to hoping to celebrate Valentine's for her birth. I'd never understood why a man who had not a sentimental bone in his body talked like that. It was for me.

Anyway, I had dinner with a dear kind and gentle man last night. He is interesting to me.

just had to share one of those sweet and mushy ads from Hallmark, for Valentine's Day.

yawning... it wasn't easy to sleep the last few nights.

missed the planned times with my friend from out of town, due to my tooth. He seemed more than disappointed.

I accept that. I know he'd looked forward to taking photos of me, and I'd known he wanted to enjoy seeing me live up close and in person.

Spent time enjoying good music and friends at the Royal Bliss concert.

I enjoy the musicians, their talent, the changes they try on their music.. a new sound, a new rendition. Very cool.


I'm looking forward to an evening of talking and a meal with a friend... someone I'd met a few months ago at the Burn I went to in December. He's a nice and decent man.

I'm recognizing that there's value in friendships with good souls. People who recognize where they went wrong in relationships... people who see the beauty within me, as well as see some in my looks.

Men who have a good mind, good heart and soul... and are healthy emotionally, are so of worth. Friendships are good. I value them.

I am grateful for some dear men here, who care, wish the best for me and lift me up when I've wanted to just give up.

And, I value my sweet sisters here, too. Those sexy lovely ladies of NN whom I adore... as much as I love the good men who've affected me in very positive ways, wit their love, kindness and passion.

Hugglesnugs and love,
Dawn

so, nothing was resolved really with my dental appointment. I got a Dr note, kinda sortta....
I got my teeth cleaned. I got xrays... and nothing about my cavities that I've had dentists say needed to be taken care of back in 2011. I was simply told to go see an oral surgeon and that everything else looks fine.

He was old school. He wasn't interested in seeing me... which is weird, since there's great feedback on how friendly he is. Oh well...

I've got to keep on self medicating the hole and icky tooth bits in it. I need to figure out how to afford surgery. And what to do if I can't.

Life is weird.

So very not like I'd hoped. I kind of wanted someone who'd be concerned and act like it mattered. I've never had a dentist just NOT consult with me after reviewing my x-rays and looking in my mouth. He actually just said you need and oral surgeon and just walked on out to take the next patient, never came back to talk anything over with me.

I'm taking acetaminophen for the swelling and pain. I'll just do what I can until I can get something done.

I'm not going back to a dentist who doesn't give a flying rip about me as a human being. I'm someone who needs to get her mouth and health back in line. Not be ignored and passed on by.


I'm done neglecting my health. I'm done making due and settling for being no one. I need to make my life matter.. even if it's just to me.

I"m at home today... waiting for a dentist's appointment.

I lost more of that wisdom tooth that's rotten.

I know, eewww, gross. Yes, it is... I'm scared. It only hurts because of the gums being swollen and stuff. I need it cleaned up and cleared out as much as possible before they close up around an infected thing... I

I know enough about health to know this isn't healthy. I know enough to want to make sure that when the gums heal shut, they'll not encase something that will kill me.

I've told you that I"m literally falling apart... Well, I really, really AM.

expected to have more of this there and other places and parts of my body. How ironic to feel like I'm loosing building blocks as my body stops repairing itself.


Last night my daughter and I had a discussion. It wasn't one of those terrible volatile blow outs like we've been having over the past 3-4 months... I've wanted to just give up on life, relationships, happiness, and me, lately. I've been so tired of the fighting and cruelty of her words, threats, etc. I've been hurting and I've been lashing back.

Instead, she crumbled and sat on the corner of my bed... told me how furious she is with me. For settling for less than I deserve and want and need. For letting my health get this bad. For scaring her. For making her fear night and day that she'll lose me. She told me how much she NEEDS me to be in her life. Not to leave her alone. Told me that she needs me to be there when she walks down the aisle if she ever gets to do it. She needs me there for her children if she has them. And if not, needs me there to go up the canyons, and on trips with her.

She's the only child I'll ever have. She's the only person I still have in my world who's known me too well. She's the reason I'm alive... or at least, she has been.

I need to matter more to myself. I want to live and enjoy life. I want to explore more, experience more... live MORE>