the Christmas tree...



decided I'd share a few photos I captured of my tree. It's little... unlike the one I had hoped to gain access to, way towards the back of my unit...


none the less, this is what I've got displayed in my livingroom. And, I'm pleased... My daughter shared a few of her treasures... two of the ornaments I'd made for her, when she was young.




A nutcracker hand painted on glass ball ornament, and Clara(or sometimes Marie) the little girl in The Nutcracker Ballet, clasping her prince to her as she danced around the tree...
a dragon I'd sculpted two years back, and decided to keep... red and gold, on its icicle....


and, my hedgies... oh, how I used to love my hedgehogs snuffling around a fresh tree...
I miss Peter Prickles and Niegie... but, that is life... Pygmy African hedgehogs don't live long.

Here are a few... I'll post more of my tree and other decor later...

something from my past

something to take the edge off of how I'm feeling and sounding...
I'm thinking that MAYBE... listening to this a few times in a row... it might help to soothe me... oh, I hope so.

Sigh

today I went to the storage unit... HOPING to get more than the little bit of decoration I'd bought last year, to put up in my apartment. No such luck.

it's hard to be living like this...
my best cookware is way in the back of the storage unit, under huge heavy things. My Christmas boxes filled to the brim and boxes of books and music... all still in there.

I'd love to have help getting some of those things back home to replace the cheap things I had to get, just to have something to cook in and on. I DO have my revereware, and a few things... just none of the things that made my life comfortable.

Been without them for almost three years now, and it's just..

okay, guess I'm complaining... but, well, it's hard to know I have nice things packed so far back into that place that I never can reach them to bring them home.

I'd like to just have the energy and time, to go through that place and get rid of things I don't need and won't use.. and bring home the things that would make my life happier, simpler, nicer.

I'll be putting up the little 4 ft tall prelit tree today, and placing other things around the living room and, hopefully in my room as well... making it cozier... more like my winters once were.

Mind you, the MAN I'd had in my life was a challenge, to say the least... so I don't regret the move, just the way I allowed other people to run my packing and moving for me.

Meanwhile... I'll listen to music through the TV, since my stereo receiver needs the fan replaced... and I'll light a nice smelling candle to infuse the place with a homey and comfortable feel.

Regardless of my missing my collection of nutcrackers, and antiques... my life is mine to make the most of... and that is what I can and will do...

make the most of it.

a view of one of the trickles down the canyon, in spring this year... both above and below the water... I love to split the screen with those kinds of shots.

though you might enjoy this one.

Been watching and listening to Prince EA today...

his videos are so wonderfully empowering, positive, awakening, and motivational... listen, watch.. fill your mind and walk head held high...

believe in life, love and make your own joy.. is my own thought on life.

my life may hold challenges beyond every turn.. pain or heartaches if left as is.. but turn that corner and take a step back, as I do.. and see the need and lack of self esteem in the eyes of those who just hurt you... they lack what they cannot give. Something missing deep inside of them... well, the majority of those who hurt us are that way... there ARE sociopaths and deranged minds in those few who truly cruel and dark enough to choose to inflict pains upon others... trust me, they are the few.

Today, I'm sick.. ate breakfast out yesterday.. bad results gurgling inside of me. Erghhhh... but I'll be okay once this is purged from my system.
I'm wondering how each one of you is doing.. what's new that you don't share here out loud and yet wish to exclaim to the world...
whatever it is.. would love to hear it... know that you really matter... and what you truly want CAN happen or BE if you just believe in your own self enough to walk step by step towards it.

Today I'm thinking about men I absolutely love and wish the best for.. from this site.
OldTroubador,thickandhard4U,newromantic,arbor, bOObz, ryan, whokens,niceandnaughty, showy, jake, kid, and honestly there are several more... I'm grateful for their input for their friendship.. for their lusty souls, passion desire and for their love. Thank you for being you. Thank you for reminding me.. of ME.

xoxoxoxo....
Dawn

a song that I adore... truly love this.. from Shinedown


to me, this is a beautiful message... something precious shared between a man and a woman...

I've had the blessing... to learn this in a man's voice, his touch, his words and awe in his eyes... and actions.
It is tenderness and joy in being.

listening to good music...
another soothing pass-time.

nodding to the beat...

what music soothes YOUR soul?

any song in particular? Any writer/singer come to mind?

I'm looking through what I've got left of the music I loved and value from past and present... there's no particular pattern to my tastes... eclectic is my choice of it.. From Grieg and Mozart, to The Lettermen, and The Mills Brothers... to Simon and Garfunkel, Toto, Kiss... Queensryche, Led Zepplin, Def, and so much more... smiles... even One Direction, with their versatility in youthfulness, yet broad range of style... yes, really.

What soothes YOU musically?

And do NOT try and convince me that Gregorian Chants do it for you...
Ergghhhhhhh.((covering ears))

Sometimes I hate sex....
you know why?
because it's so important to me... because my NEED for it rules my body and mind.

I was made for the pleasure of sensuality...

yet... I was given so little of that when I was married, all those years and then... I remind myself that I had more exploration sexually with him, in the first two of it, than the total I've experienced in the years I've been divorced.

*sigh*

needing to do something about my hormones...
MMmmmmmm it drives me crazy. You know??

nodding, looking down at what I've got between my smooth shaven legs at the moment...

hmmmmm, wellllll...
a single woman's safest with a toy than a man

at least... I'm learning that's the case... let's face it...

not enough men show respect.
Not enough men REALLY MEAN it when they say, it's all about the woman's pleasure, how she feels, how much she enjoys what he does for her...

not enough men stay monogamous...
shaking head.

my toy's never been with anyone else... except maybe if you count the hands it took to create, inspect package and ship it while in the package... to me.

Glass, mmmmmm in a few different shapes and styles.... heaven. silicone cocks, veiny and thick, pliable enough to bend and give... mmmmmmm
or so thick they spread me freakishly wide... needing LUBE for this pussy, these days.

Yes, really... age and stage of life, my dears.. this wet wet pussy's drying up... can you imagine that?

and then there are the vibrators.... mmm mmmm mmmmmmm
vibe the clit, grind one simply into my mound to make the O happen... or slide one deep and turn him on high until it shatters my mind.

and by the way...

I buy my playmates.... on AMAZON.

Going to be using my toys... my faithful playmates often.

I need the distraction.

and I NEED my mind clear and alert to the tasks at hand.... to the job I do that takes every last ounce of empathy and courage, compassion and hope to do the best I can do.. leaving me exhausted and needing to reboot myself... needing a break from the anger, and challenges... needing a break from the emotional fraying... and then there's the cancer word added into the life I lead... again. How I hate that mutating cell destroying thing. I miss my mother... I miss my best friend and heartbeat... I miss other friends and family who've all succumbed to this thing called cancer...
I'm also terrified over my daughter's health... how her mind slips into somewhere dark and ugly... how much pain her body and soul feel. I feel so utterly helpless to assist her... So useless.
Every day I come home to rage, or sorrow, and a young woman I love more than anyone... so lost in her mind.... so lost due to pain and fear, and irrational thought.
Oh God... WHY? She sits there... waiting for me to get home.. wanting a hug, needing it, and then, flinches away, due to the horrible pain of fibromyalgia. She rages and lashes out, sure that what she hears in her head is true and what I say... isn't. Can you imagine??? Being trapped inside of a nightmare... lost and unsure... sure you'll lose your mind to the pain that shatters it?

I need to be strong, I need to be compassionate and soft spoken, when all day long I have to face anger, pain, heartaches and rage... and then... go home to it. I'm so tired.

So... toys to ease the tension... maybe a bathtub filled with essential oils and Epsom salts...
and smooth skin...
they'll be part of my relaxation and reboot efforts...

God knows I need safety, and hope and the ability to function, while I watch and pray over those I cherish...

God knows how grateful I am for kindness... and for the past I had to live through... it has taught me to see the terror i her inner world... I saw it in my mother... I saw it in her father, my now ex... that poor man who raged and lost his past and present to his ever altered mind.. Oh, how mental illness destroys lives.... not just for the ill, but for their loved ones as they lose that person they cherished loved and held close.. to the new version of reality that mind creates as it literally is a mind they've LOST... for it IS lost. They literally change due to loss of memory, rewritten memories that continue to alter as every night it slowly slips away, bit by bit, by bit...

I recall feeling that myself... when I'd nearly bled to death due to my hemmhoraging years back... I'd started to cook foods we'd stopped eating, due to reactions to dairy and other foods... I'd forgotten... and I'd forgotten enough, no wonder my ex lost trust in mine, as his left him years after that... watching me with mine must have been terrifying... but watching him with his... absolutely WAS terrifying... for he'd never had a moment without his voices and hallucinations since he was pubescent. Not until they'd integrated into his personality... all those voices that had told him what to do to women... to torture maim and oh.... No, I couldn't stay.. I didn't stay long enough to have him finish his experiments...


Now, where was I???
Oh yes... distractions... I need distractions.

I need to release tension... I need to relax and find peace... even for just a few minutes. Peace.
and let's not forget....

I need my orgasms... My body buzzes with need, 24/7 which can drive any woman crazy with lusty craving... It led me into the wrong arms a few too many times...
so... *sigh* I need my playmates... glass, plastic, battery operated... lubes and fingers... whatever it takes to drive away that need...

and it'll also help me relax and focus my mind.

Ahhhh, better already...
it only took an hour and a change of my rechargables... LOL, good thing I've got plenty of those.

I had a special treat, a call from one of my favorite truck drivers ever... to start my Thanksgiving day off beautifully.

The day went well, though there were emotional struggles.

They'll be happening for a while. Let's face it... I miss the man I had planned to marry. I recall my gift to him two years ago... a tiny polymer dragon, custom created for him, wrapped around a hand spun-glass icicle ornament. I miss him.

And the holidays this year will be a struggle for me... because the other most important man in my life... my father... was diagnosed with metastasized cancer in his face... went into his jaw and has destroyed most of the bone on one side already.... and, it appears to have spread to his lung(s).

Alex's cancer was in his parotid gland, in his face... other sites it'd been found in, during his PET scan.. were... bone, in his hip.... and in his chest. Unlike my father's, his encased his lungs and heart.

Daddy will find out ASAP what particular kind of cancer this is/was... and eventually, he too will get HIS PET scan. He'd only had a CT scan (CAT scan as most call them). right now, there are already steps in place for his treatment. Surgery to remove bone and replace some of it with cadaver bone. And, radiation therapy next. But.. that all depends upon the outcome of the biopsies taken from his tumor, bone and lesion.

My dad said, in identical tone and wording.. basically that we need to be upbeat and positive about this. I agreed, just as I had with my sweetheart.

It might get to be a challenges at times though... this hits too close to my heart. Too close to repeating the past, only with my dad, not the man I'd planned to marry.

I LOVE my dad so much...

Now, for positive.. for well wishes for the holiday...

and my thanks...
I'm grateful for friendships that reach beyond borders of countries, states and counties... and beyond this website, into personal lives.

I'm grateful to be able to see beyond the heartaches... and remember the beautiful moments. I learned to view the world through rose colored glassed when I was young. I HAD to, to survive the nightmares of abuse and mental illness within my home, both as a child, and as a wife and mother...

I'm thankful for kindnesses extended to me, and my daughter... for the miracles I'm given. For a determination to live MY life as best I can and make the best of circumstances. Poverty doens't need to include lack of respect, lack of love, or joy or good.

Life is a struggle for so very many people. And I'm grateful for my own struggles, they remind me that I'm human and stronger than I used to believe.

I love my friends. I love life and nature. I love the opportunities I'm given. And I'm glad to say I'm a member of this place.

Love and best wishes,
Dawn

my latest creation...
a bracelet using stretchy cord for easy on and off. glass and ceramic beads in teal. Average length.





this is available for sale. if interested message me for info.