woops, removed instead of edited the last entry...
I wass trying to correct assumptions.

My friend needing detox was NOT LANKY, it was my LATINO friend... LANKY is into perverted porn that violates my senses... and incites RAGE within me... because I was sexually abused as a child... I HATE fuckers who fantasize about that.. it HARMS that victim for the rest of his or her life...

No, it was a man from my past.. the one I was supposed to spend the last weekend with reliving his fire and passion. Instead, he was drunk and hurt by his ex fiance not feeling as hurt by the severing of their relationship.

I also was stating that I wouldn't be missed at the rock concert... but, who knows... maybe someone MIGHT have missed me there.
I'm still aching to have hugs... but I'm not going to ask for them.

Last night, my Latino friend had called me, and needed money... wanting to get gas in his tank, but in reality, more a place that would be safe for him to stay the night away from the temptation of another fix... he'd blown through about $400-$500 per day the past few days... for drugs and booze and didn't eat a bit.. he'd gone to bed early to fight his cravings and need to go find another fix... he held me close while he was suffering from cold sweats and need for warmth... but his sweat stunk me up... I tolerated it, knowing he'd needed me there, with him... not allowing him to wander the streets to find a way to get yet another fix. He lost brand new shoes and his jewelry and other things, all gone, because of his black outs due to his desperate need for cocaine and rum.

Have you SEEN someone you love having withdrawals? God, oh, how I hate watching that... I watched an aunt, her kids and then, later, my own dear daughter, while she struggled due to going without her prescriptions for just one day, because the RX didn't have enough on hand... and, when she'd refuse to take them because of how they made her feel buzzed and foggy all the time...

Addictions... be careful of them.
Addictions that are dangerous... yes, like that of drugs, and alcohol... and even porn and sex...
yeah, I KNOW where I am.... and, I know WHO I am... I NEED sex, and intimacy... but I need self respect and love far more...

letting go of anguish and reminding my daughter she needs to as well...
I had a lovely time with a recent friend, this evening... a nice and decent kind of guy.

I'm reminded by coworker friends, of who I am, and the strength within me... and, a need to rebuild what I'd once come so close to achieving for myself... got to build myself back up and make myself a place in this world... it's distract me, for one thing... from the worry and sorrows... from the limitations that seem to want to take over the world my daughter and I live in.

I'm alive. I am loved for who I am... even by people who simply spend a few minutes on the phone with me... just because I cared and did my best for them, nothing more but being me... I imagine... just me.

I'm alive, I can move my body. I can think and express myself as artistically in verbal form as in written form... an art form, as surely as is paint and brush, pencil and clay... all work to form love joy and pain, passion and bliss... is my gift to those around me... of my vision, of my light.. for as long as I am able... I will share it.

I am learning, too... that I am worth something to a few souls. And, that men listen, their eyes light up... or soften... fingers caressing, gentle and almost in awe... I love it. Tenderness from rough work worn hands... and smiles from eyes that wrinkle and sparkle with affection.
Maybe... perhaps... one day... there will be a perfect fit again... a perfect friendship close, trusting, open accepting... loving.

I'm scared... but oh, how I wish so. yet.. I'm seeing it is possible... maybe? Possibly?
maybe...

is my body a wonderland?

just wondering... because men seem dazzled by my eyes, my voice, and get stunned and amazed if allowed to touch and see my naked body in person...

I just don't see it.

touch me... I need you.. let me teach you how high the fire within you can be lit... taste my tongue swirling and entwining with yours.. locked in the teasing mating, that will be patterned after how well they send our heat higher...
let me kiss your face, lick your adamsapple and suck on it teasing, taunting you.. brushing hard nipples across your chest... reveling in the wonderful feel of chest to chest, your curls wiry and heightening my senses... every nerve comes alive... and I trail my long fingernails across your skin... while nibbling your tongue and lips... copying the lusty need your mouth plays over me... rosy nipples begging for attention... touch massage, knead and suckle them for me... juices flowing body arching against you.. responding to your touch, and repositioning your body against my own soft one...
I need you...
fingers reach down between my thick full swollen lips and your moan tells me how amazed you are at my wetness.. pooled and glistening, sliding down my thigh... ready hot and eager to be tasted, licked, nibbled... and to make you drunken with my sweet nectar from between my legs... I want to feel the whiskers on your face grazing the soft flesh of my inner thigh.. the heated breathe heavy with hunger and lusty loving need for more than all of me...

was itching to get out and about last night.. so my daughter and I drove over to the closest Walmart, wandering the aisle and I picked up a kiddy movie I'm sure I'll want to own or at least have in the que. Anyway, found some $5.00 movies that looked too good to not add to my collection and took home Warm Bodies, The Bucket List, Grease, and The Outsiders... classics and one hilarious romantic zombie comedy...

we watched Warm Bodies, loving it, for sure... I got sporadic texts from men I know and enjoy... and, I went to bed well after midnight after washing off makeup and temp tattoos.

I'm not sure what this windy day will hold for me... I'm supposedly on the menu for that Latino lover from my past... but who knows? I never trust a man to keep his words these days. They're fickle and tend to change their minds, or open up their mouths to reveal who they truly are.

So, for now, I'm going to take a nice hot bath, and shave this body smooth... take out the trash and tidy up a bit... and will go from there.

I'm at home... with my daughter... still dressed up in my costume/makeup and wishing I'd feel comfortable at the costume ball tonight... but I'd determined I wouldn't go to it, because Lanky is.

I was told by a couple of friends I shouldn't let him have power like that over me... and though I'd love to show up and see about flirting with other men and being offered drinks... I also know that's his fucking fantasy... and... that unlike ME... he is homeless due to his foolish selfish sickening choices... I have the trust and love of many friends and family throughout the world... he casts aside decency to feast upon his own lusty greed and addictions... and, I'm a giver, lover, and forgiver... I don't know where he's sleeping tonight, but it's not with me... because he was too foolish, too thoughtless, too cruel and daft to GET what he's done and how absolutely horrible his choices have been in his "relationship"with me...
I would rather give him his sorrow, without knowing I see it... give him his fucking play with his other women.. without me SEEING it... and give him his own life to fuck up without hurting me and destroying mine as he was...

it took so long to recognize that in letting him stay so long, I was hurting myself and him, by enabling a fool in crushing me my heart, my hopes and beliefs...

I will not allow myself to see his ugliness when he's sure I'm not going to be there, to view it... I choose to refuse to see that man as he truly is...
Instead, I will simply let go of an asshole whom I allowed to hold me back for a year at least... and let go of a foolish twisted soul...
to untwist... me

today, he'd have turned 48. Today, I'm grateful to be alive...

and for the determination and devotion of my lovely daughter... to remind me I'm worthy of so much more than Lanky ever gave me... or ever would.

fascinating thing... by taking steps to make changes and get him to leave... things around me seems to spin like a whirlwind playing with autumn leaves.. making them dance gaily and tossing them in patterns.. rising high and scattering them in chilly laughter across the lawn... golden, green, scarlet brown... Autumn is one of my favorite seasons... so much joy and delight to share.

I've suddenly seen the notice of other men as good. Reawakened to the curiosity as to why they'd even seek me out. Anyway... I'm letting them reach out to me, and replying and wishing them well, as well... no pursuit on my side... I'm not hunting and I'm not on a search... but, I wouldn't mind being entertained, treated decently, and shown how a man who is interested can behave... I'm in no hurry... I'm still scared of how my body seems to be falling apart. and concern about that and lack of ability to pay for my care... well... I'm stuck in a rotten position. My right wisdom tooth started cracking and falling apart two months ago... it seems to be dead... it fell apart some more, last week... and then today, crumbled more, while I was chewing gum... so sharp and ragged... it cut my tongue. I'll do my best to clean it every day, brushing, and killing bacteria a couple times a day... I'm going to get some vodka.... it's supposed to be an ideal mouthwash and killer of bad bad germs... swishing it around spitting it out... and doing what I can until it's done wasting away to nothing...

Life is hard, when you have no money no time off and no way to afford to protect yourself from health issues... but, it's real, it's my life... and all I can do is keep on trying to do my best.

My Latino friend tried to convince me to go to him, tonight... I'd come close, but... I spent time with a dear local man, tonight... sudden changes of plans for his oldest son's birthday... and I ended up meeting his ex, her BF, and one son, his GF and one daughter... all lovely people. I'm glad I made that choice... a kind man, who lives simply. and... I got to enjoy an evening of just clean and good fun.

I'm trying to choose a temp tattoo or three... to stick on my body for Halloween... oh well.

and one you may have heard before...

another one from these awesome AUSSIE guys