I miss him...
warm smooth, velvety, so gentle and softspoken... long fingers caressing dark chocolate across my creamy pink tinged skin...
smiling eyes alight only for me...

oh... I miss the chuckle that churned my desire... and how his honest aching... the hushed anguish of a lover longing for his wife... pangs of regret for not dropping everything to be there by his side when we thought we had forever... well, decades to live together as a family... for him, it was never just the two of us.. he was proud to also claim my daughter as hid child, his pride...

life cut too short.

will I ever revel in Halloween as I used to? his birthday... my love... oh, oh....
I miss you can you feel my tears across the skies and planes... would you please once more wrap your arms around me?

Why can't the missing lessen?
I needed your touch on my soul, my darling... I needed the lessons only you taught me so tenderly, perfectly...

oh, my love...
God knows how I miss you.

i miss you, my Alex

a bit of positive... much needed... I discovered... someone watched/listened recently. It had to be Lanky. I love this song, and both downloaded and burned it on a mix CD...

yesterday was a decent day... the day before... I'd gone back onto my natural regimen... so, of all things... I was HAPPY, and felt fine at work... for a long day/night. Yesterday was fine, and so was today, though... I felt residual shudders from my date last night.

I'm wondering if there's such a creature as a man who'd treat me decently, not need to play or turn up the heat to test and use and be used... on a first date.

We were in a public park late at night... and, stayed too late way back on some paths, watching stars, and airplanes talking of dinosaur bones and sacred ruins... and of seeking them together out in the desert... then, to lusty thoughts, likes dislikes and truths. He made clear he's an addict of dangerous proportions. Asking me about alcohol, drugs internet, sexting, and just too much play in person within the last few months.
And... confirmed that he's married with wee ones... talked of his first ex, and of too much more.

We left that quiet alone time to go back out to the pavilion and playground and more open areas... a police car came around and stopped in front of our cars... then it came back and scoped the area with it's headlights... caught in the lights with one arm around his body, and talking, we looked like lovers. After the car left he wanted more, had me feel his hardon and stroked my pussy through my jeans... tried to convince me to bare more, share more... but I know how strict the laws are here... arrested and labled a sexual offender due to Lewd behavior in a public park," crossed my mind... no way was I going to allow my own self to become one of those, targeted and destroyed... labeled, forever as a sexual fiend and offender stamped across my forehead...
NO
I refused to... once, twice, thrice...
exclaiming my need to go home to my anxious daughter.
I'd stayed far too long.

As we'd neared the cars he got antsy... concerned about arrest... apparently warrants?
God... really? *sigh* *moan* another dating mistake
I left by the main entrance... one car in the entrance to the driveway.. I passed it without any movement from inside, nor outside.. and turned onto the road heading home... passed two more, with officers consulting together...

I'm tired of men who turn out to be predators, losers, liars, fakers... users, and... so messed up they're scary
or weak and nearly useless...

I haven't texted this man. My past playmate texted dirty messages after sweet greetings...
I know he recalls my lusty play
so long ago now, it seems... and, he's changed... he's changed.

I had a decent day at work, today, too... At one point in the morning as I settled into a temporary seat... one of the men who's a team lead and someone I enjoy talking with... talked of relationships with me... and of personalities and truths. we spoke of Lanky after I'd announced I'd gone out last night on a first date... he'd stopped me at that, stunned and said he was sorry... he knew Lanky was living with me and of my joy with the emotionally backwards messed up tender soul and gentle decent man he seemed to be... he knew I loved him... and he knew how hurt I've been realizing that someone would live with me, use my generosity and then just cease it all... thing is... I had to have that and more so did he... and... I know I need to be alone... manless for a time. I told him simply that that date led me to realize dating isn't the same. nothing's possible as far as loving relationships.. well, not for me... again he sympathized, and admitted his relationship status too had changed. He's one of the few with whom I feel... accepted and maybe marginally understood. I don't have to simplify my verbiage. I don't have to slow my speed talking down... I can be the intelligent woman who talks too fast, and laughs over geekiness. I can... be me. Like most men... he and I will just enjoy working together. We'd never date. We're nerdy chuckling weirdos.

one of my last calls was one that took an angry outraged frustrated woman from rage, to sweetness and laughter.... and warmth and well wishes
I needed this call and a handful of others, today... they reminded me of my capable self... of my power as a woman... and as a person.

I'm not sure what I hope for, or want...

but I'm thinking that at least I can try to get some artwork of some sort done. I can try to build myself up emotionally.

Today, when I got home my daughter happily showed me her room.. late last night she'd bugged me until after 1am.. I'd stayed out til almost midnight... and I reminded her of my demand for her to clean her room instead of barely touching the horrid mess.... she'd gotten a large bit of cleaning done, and organization, too. It was great... so, tired me, didn't want to cook, and took her out for a take out of burgers at one place and shakes at another... we brought them home and are watching Doctor Who, together...
laid back and relaxing.

My kidlet also talked excitedly about how much better she feels due to use of passion flower to cut the anxiety and moodiness... it and black cohosh, and licorice are what I'm using for myself... I'll be adding a couple others.. all to balance the hormones anxiety, fear, anger... mood swings...

I can't afford visits to doctors... I can't afford, nor do I believe in chemical remedies as safe for me... if I COULD afford medical care, I'd go for it... I've got no coverage and not enough income to afford it. I'm barely making it... but, I don't qualify for assistance... so... I make due.

I'll have to muddle through...

the weekend was full... a concert on Friday and Sunday nights... Lanky man who stayed all weekend, yet tried to deal with the changes in his family as... his ex-wife introduced him to her fiance, and.. son, his girlfriend... awkward moments too frustrating to imagine had I been him. My ex... he never introduced me to either of his fiances... and, I wonder if he'd even value me presenting mine, had he lived... who knows?
I'm glad my friend's realizing his situation, the challenges in his life will be real and at times.. horrible. I'm not sure what to do or say..
and, I'm really out of control when under or overdosed with my hormones. Do any of you ladies have advice or warnings? And men, how do you deal with it how do you placate a wife who's lost it and raging over next to NOTHING? God knows I'm freaking myself out. How can a man who's twitching and falling apart take it, too?

This week I'm working mandatory overtime at work... been advised that the only QA position open there for now, is temporary, and I'd lose my position in the ranks for the next Team Lead position that opens up.
No word from the recent place I'd interviewed... I was to expect a determination by Monday. Nothing... MEANS something. *sigh*

I'm tired... Lanky stayed the night last night insisting it was that he wasn't up for the drive back home... but I could tell he's overwhelmed. God I hate this... and, at times, I loathe my own self... why? because I'm determined to distance myself from a man who's foolish obsession with teen porn (see people like Bunny) while I recall reading her initial explanation re thesis it doesn't change the fact that women or men pretending to be under-aged... angers me... I love some people who's choices forever altered their lives and places of occupation and what they call "home" these days. Sorry to those who role-play but nothing justifies the addiction you create, in people like this man, who had NO comprehension of the consequences of his willing walk down that disturbing dark path... the judgement and mark of offender on someone who was led down that path blinded by a lust created by those who toyed with someone who was desperate and.. well.. I'm not sure I can handle it any more. I'm a mother. I'm a past victim of that kind of abuse... minor and adult. Something within me snaps and becomes enraged...

next weekend... who knows? Lanky and I were supposed to go to a concert at The Royal. I just discovered a man I'm looking forward to spending time with, on FB, and discovered he may be married or.. well... I may have played with married men... and I might even choose to do so again... but... I'm unsure about it if this is his truth.
I'll go to the concert provided I can afford it. I'll be going to dinner with a man from my past... as friends. I can't give much more to anyone than that. And, I'll be continuing to focus on work, on jewelry and sculpture production in my time at home.
I'm looking for a future.
I want one. I need to find a reason for me to even believe in one, let alone... relationships that are real.

I'm hurting.
I'm hormonal
I'm confused, upside down and backwards.
but... I'm a real live woman

with faults and flaws and issues
with love within myself
with joy to share and to experience

I want it more than I should

today is Lanky's birthday... I called to wish him well, and well... he was just wandering around in a store alone. He had a good conversation with his oldest daughter, who called to wish him a happy birthday... and, well... he wouldn't go into his issues or how he was feeling but he was falling apart and had to hang up to avoid losing it.

Tomorrow we'll be down at The Royal, and we'll hopefully see some of our friends there. I dunno though. Now... I'm just not sure what to make of him and how he's doing. Ahhh, well.

Meanwhile, I got my job interview over with today. And, I'll focus on doing my best at work... I've got to just push through one day at a time, and try to build my life up into something more, something richer.

Lanky's things are disappearing from the rooms in the apartment... and I'm losing a friend.

but, I'm gaining self respect and that's crucial for recovery from anxiety and frustrating limitations. I've had to hold myself in, hide my feelings and recognize every lie of commission and omission he's made over the last couple of months.
I know it's going to be for MY best as well as for his. So... I'll be okay.

changes are in the works... finally?
to be honest, I've become so moody, freaked out and frustrated.. I guess it's taken a toll... a HUGE one on the friendship between Lanky and I... he's finally moving out.

Sabotage, in order to get the man to do as he's supposed to, isn't something I'm proud of... but, I also know he wasn't budging no matter how many ways I'd stated it sweetly.

Bitchy psycho version of me... I HATE it, because, to be honest, it's becoming more me, than I'd like... Menopause is kicking my ass... and, so is the stress of housing a man who's got a record, that could potentially lose me my apartment, and by living with me.. he also knew he'd lose me my alimony.. all of it... which I really, really cannot afford to be without unless a man LOVES me AND, has an income of his own that will help provide for US...

*sigh* anyway.. Lanky's finally arranging to move in with his friends. He's leaving after we nearly lost our friendship all together.... and, after the stress and heartache nearly tor me to pieces... God, I hate this kind of thing. I've had two men live with me... Both didn't love me and weren't willing to really accept me or our relationships as is. What a fucked up track record, right?

Meanwhile... I'm hoping to go up the canyon with a friend from this place on a photographing trip.. NO, I'm not going to play though it wouldn't surprise me if he presumed so... I just can't do it with anyone really.
I get offers. I get invitations to play.

But my mood and soul are currently too in need of upliftment. Menopause and a man who just didn't and still doesn't seem to get it... are tearing me to pieces.

Mmmm, an old friend from my early days of changes is coming back to town for a visit, prior to his move for good down to Florida. He was my mentor on divorce and life... changes and... on my job. He was my playmate, too... and he'd tried to recapture my interest when he was still here in this locale. He's asked me to spend time with me while here. He'd tried to capture my interest with a getaway to Nevada, too. I simply said, we'll see. I can't dive into it. I am a head cast... Bat shit crazy, and I need to get my hormones under control. I don't want any man attracted to an insane version of me. I want him to know me for who I am... completely utterly... and, I'm not sure any more, that I dare hope to find anyone could possibly love me.
Harsh reality has shown me that... only one man has ever loved me 100% as is and knew me and still wanted me... faults and flaws and all. And he was so ill already... was he in his right mind?

Yes, I know I'm tearing myself to pieces... but I've never had anyone else love me like he did... and, both men who've lived with me have cut me to the core with their confessions of love for others.. and refusals to love me. I can't take that kind of head game and cruelty from someone I've opened my heart and body, soul and bed to.. ever again.

I'm terrified, my dears... I'm so scared that I've lost out on any hope or love in a relationship with a man... I had it for a moment, but it was so brief... and so little of it in person. God, please, God... don't punish me for staying too long... don't torture me with just a taste and then mocking me forever...
I'm so broken... so hurt... so tired. and... I'm too loony to dare believe in anything but the nightmares I'm now living in. They're real. They're right now...

not sure what to say anymore...
Lanky doesn't share his news, plans, or what's really going on with me much if at all, any more...
if my daughter overhears a conversation he's had with family, he expects her to relay the news...
ummm, not nice to encourage her to be a rat. and, it's a lame way to get the news to the woman he's living with and sleeping with... it makes me feel... well, much more like.. he doens't get to live here, much longer if I'm no longer going to be here, to support him, uplift him, and to know what's up and what's down.

I'm hurting emotionally and financially more as prices raise and my income doesn't. I'm applying like mad, for new jobs, and new companies... and lower stress is what I'm hoping to obtain.

The other night I fell apart after sex... Lanky keeps asking about the biggest cock I've had and how it felt... it turns him on, I guess... but I also know he goes soft even witht he glazed eyes... and... God, I've already told him it hurts... So, I asked him through tears to never EVER ask that again of me.. that I felt like he sees me as nothing but internet trash.. a whore, a slut... and, reminded him... that the biggest.. was my now deceased fiance on the one brief and awkward weekend we'd shared. I told him that I wonder how I can imagine anyone loving me, since... by telling him brief bits... I'm devaluing that precious weekend... my love, Alex's love... and well... how can I ever truly HOPE let alone believe that I could be treasured... loved and respected by any man? Honestly... me??? I put up with abuse and suffered dehumanization by my ex... after being torn down and reconstructed as a servant by my own mother and her parents... doomed, to forever have to do as asked when key words are used? How can any man look at me and see anything but a sex slave, or.. "favorite broken toy?" How could anyone see my value beyond the terrible conditioning, the sexual abuse, the deconstruction of my soul?

I am unlovable. Pariah... beneath the level of the dust... I am nothing, just a body. My soul has been stripped abused and deformed... who could love such a creature? How can I believe love ever existed for me?

My ex is talking divorce already. Married in March, ready to walk out already... He crushed our daughter with excusing his voicing it to her, with I don't want to stay in a loveless marriage for another 20 years... what the FUCK is he doing to our child? She just took that as more weight to bear... and assumed he meant yet again.. once she'd come into the picture... he no longer wanted let alone loved me... He still tries to hurt me.. through her.
I've got a man living with me who still mopes and whines about losing the loves of his life... that he's lost the two women he was loved by... fuck me... I love him too.. . screw him...
I'm reliving my past.. listening to a man proclaim undying love for some other woman who's unattainable, and NOT his... and he has me ever night.

I'm wishing my bones would be crushed in an accident. I'm tired of the pain of struggling to support a household and the fact that I've fucked myself in the wrong way, by not giving a date of vacating my apartment to the man I adore and chose to build a strong friendship with.... because... ultimately, I am finding it harder and harder to see him as even a friend.

The weekend was different...

smiles... yes, I went to a concert at The Royal...
no hikes.
got a few things done.
and.. took the kid to lunch and the Transformer movie.

I'm running out of money, and not sure how to deal with that.

I guess it was normal.

the long weekend...

I'm reliving the past... the phone call from a sister, about how our mother was found prone dying on the floor... refusals of allowing me to fly to be by my sweetheart's side when he was still virile enough to have us comfortably make love.

But I'm also trying to declutter my life and home. We went through my storage unit yesterday, and went from it being full of boxes that were collapsing in on themselves and tumbling all over... threatening to destroy the few antiques and beautiful things I have left from my past. The storage unit was full up to the door, now.. it's only 3/4 full and much safer. We dumped boxes filled with my food storage... it'd gone bad over the span of years since I'd had access to it. My friend has mixed his things deep into the storage unit with mine... makes me wonder... how can he be so comfortable with meshing his past and present with mine when he still refuses to see what he has with and in me...

Now, my daughter and I will have the day much to ourselves.. he's hiking Mount Olympus as far as he can go. I only hope he's safe and enjoying his adventure. I love that tall Lanky of mine. Oh how I wish I could let my love loose and truly show him what he could have... but, I cannot, without making our relationship even more challenged and upside down... I need to simplify the apartment, and make room for my easels... it's past time to do some painting... REAL painting... landscapes, waterscapes, fantasy and emotional release. I NEED it.. and maybe... who knows... I'd like to begin selling successfully again. I NEED it. I truly do NEED to rebuild that side of myself. The emotional relief artistic expression allows me is real. The monetary additions to my funds used to help me greatly.... I NEED to rebuild that side of my self and my world so I can support myself fully, once more. I see little out there as far as job opportunities for me... I'll have to make something happen.