I need him so much....

today was a trial as things were... waking up just after 4am isn't easy on anyone. But add the infections I'm fighting and lack of sleep... well, I survived the day. Thankfully. While on my break I noticed amazingly that my phone showed my future sister in law's phone calling me, and I got to pick up on time... How I love that woman... she was telling me of my lover's condition and where she was... the parking garage of the hospital. She'd taken him back. He'd been struggling all night to breath... and by morning he was coughing up anything from his stomach. He doesn't eat, my friends, he bypasses swallowing by using his feeding tube. And his throat is burning from the radiation and chemo therapies on it. Anyway, he's not just in the ICU. They've put him in the critical unit. He has oxygen tubes and is in a lot of pain, and is sedated. His mother had called my phone as well... to tell me herself about him being there. And I know when she calls me she needs me to comfort her, and because she's worrying about me, too. god knows I love that dear and beautiful lady. Time before, she's told me if she had any money at all she'd buy me a flight right now to go spend time with them. She need me as much as he does... But when she'd heard of my plight (car-less, short by several hundred dollars over the past two months due to daughter and my health issues) She was just like that tender hearted son of hers. I guess it's not the right time then, is it honey. Nods, Maybe... My daughter heard me sobbing after Lanky and I brought her home tonight. I told her he'd caught me really being sappy hours before... and then I advised her of how my fiance is doing. She told me, Mom, he's dying... then told me to hear her out. She said, You're going to Chicago, Mom. I can't live with thinking I could have helped you see him one last time and not push you to do it this time. She reminded me of when we'd known her favorite grandmother was dying. And we didn't get to see her when we'd scheduled our trip, instead we got there in time for her funeral. She's never gotten over losing her second mother, for that's who this lovely little woman was.. she helped to raise and love and shelter my beautifully adorable kid. She was one of my xxxxx friends... my ex's first step-mother, and I'd loved her as feircely as she'd loved me... anyway my daughter held back trembling and tears to inform me that I have no clue what it was like for her and how painful it still is to this day... I know that too well, because she was the reason I recognized the unwellness of my marriage. We used to talk of both of us divorcing our good-for-nothing-husbands and living together and her talking care of her granddaughter. It was a love pact that I should have followed up upon... HINDSIGHT.

Anyway, my daughter told me she'd try to get me $200 to maybe $300 because she'd rather rely on Lanky and her father for another month for rides than blame herself and know I'm in pain at not seeing my fiance for what possibly was going to be my one last time. She informed me that he IS my fiance and that relationship is hugely important to her. That she'd ask for overtime and help from coworkers to make sure I could get there... She told me that HE and his family need me NOW. He needs me to prove that I love him more than anything, and to prove that I believe in him, so if he's only hanging on to see me again he can let go, afterwards... or if hope prevails then he's seen and felt his one true love in his arms again reminding him exactly what he's fighting for and giving him the boost of self esteem and strength to make it through with one huge miracle...
Do you have ANY clue how amazing she is to me?

I KNOW how right she is with this, too... I Need to be there, not just for him, not just for his Mommi and his sisters... but for me, and for my daughter. I just have to figure out how to make it happen. I HAVE to. I've found a flight that I could take on his birthday... Halloween. And get back home on Saturday. A weekend flight, yes, but it'd get my little white ass over there, to love him and his family in person. I just need to get the money together. Beg, borrow or steal... well, minus the stealing *shaking head* I SO-ooo don't do that.

Wanted you to know I've GOT to make it happen. God, how I'm coming undone. Tomorrow night Lanky, my daughter and I are all going to a preview showing of the new Stallone and Arnold movie. We got free movie passes. Smiles... it was the reason he'd insisted on taking me to one of the used car lots, to win that prize. I'm glad we went. Even my daughter's gotten to accept him as part of our household. He's become important and a loved friend/family member. It's weird, awkward when you think of it, but it stopped being awkward when I realized he was making sure the girl and boy stay together in this story here... he watches over me like a hawk, builds me up when I'm falling apart and then lives vicariously through the devotion and tenderness he hears and sees in the relationship he observes via phone and body movements. He reads me as well as i read him. I'm grateful for the friendship and for his acceptance of my daughter's specialness. But then his oldest, his son has asperger's too. So he knows. And.. he's learning from observation and from interaction what it's like to be a part of my circle. I'm not sure how well this thing will keep working. It just slowly evolved this way. I couldn't afford to let him into my heart and life as in living with me, because even though we're not sexual partners, etc, my ex could claim we are and discontinue the alimony. I can't be without it. I NEED it to pay bills and make ends meet almost. Yet, he is jobless and will be homeless soon and that doesn't just terrify him, it does us, too.

there are two men who need me in their lives. I love them both. One is local. And one is 1300 miles away. The farthest is my sweetheart, my soul mate and my heart. For I discovered a love so deep I lost mine to him to make room for him. He IS my heart. Yet, I can say that each one of them is a blessing, Each one is good. And the man I pray for deeply for healing and restored health... I want a miracle... whether it be healing SOON, or whether it be please, Please, God, spare him this pain... and hold him and let him know that I KNOW I'm worthy of the fight he's fighting. and that I know that he's going to be three waiting for me in heaven if things go bad. Because Heaven is anywhere his atoms are... and thus... he will be with me forever. Our souls touch. Our lives made sense when we found each other.

When it comes to the big picture... I'm still a very sexual being. I still ache, I still struggle. I still have real and terrible need. BUT... the big picture... in the long run... making love is a speck compared to creating, growing and building our love. Just getting to be loved for a moment in my life.... yes, it's a bitter thought, yet sweet... I've finally gotten to be loved. Absolutely loved enough to be asked to be a part of a man's family. Oh, God and what a family. For one bright and shining moment I've got love in my life. Maybe it's the only fragment of it I'll have, so I've got to embrace, love and cherish it.. for trust me, it is a delicate lacy little thing, yet, it's strong enough for me. His love has changed me. But God knows I need to see him. hold him, tell him in a whisper against his skin, how much I love him. And that I'm there, to cheer him on and love him forever.

My guy texted me three simple words today... the first I've heard directly from him in five days... the words... I love you.

I miss him so much, I have to fight back the tears. He now has his mother relay his messages to me. Today, while we spoke she told me she was running her fingers through what's left of his hair and how it's coming out with every stroke. Ohh, how I wish it were my fingers brushing through his nappy tight short afro. I miss touching him, so much. But to no longer hear his voice, or see him. HURTS.

Having a coughing fit right now... got to get some cold meds and get myself to sleep, I get up for work in just 4 hours... so not good.

Feeling worse today than all last week. I'm not getting better, rather, I'm getting far worse. I'm not sure what to say, since Urgent care facilities cost an arm and a leg or two. I can't see my doctor he's only there in the offices on Tuesdays. So I'm kind of screwed.

I'll sleep the day away, take my olive leaf extract and oregano oil pills and try to remember to keep hydrated enough. It's about all I can do. No medical coverage so I can't really afford much. I guess I do have the money I'd set aside for a medical bill. Life stinks.

I'm going to try calling my sweetheart this morning. I hope he'll pick up for me. *shrugs*

still no word from my sweetheart. At least a couple days back, I got to speak with his sweet mom. God knows I love my family to be... and that dear and strong man of mine.

Lanky came and helped us try to look at a couple cars, with no luck, but it was nice to know he wants to help us. We DID see one a couple days back and I'm thinking it was nice, even my mechanic insisted it was good, and that it'd be a good choice for us. Anyway , back to this evening... We spent time after dropping off my lovely kidlet, made supper of tacos using the pulled pork I'd made a couple days back, bathing it in enchilada sauce. It was heavenly with the Spanish rice mixed into them, too!!! Add my lemon tea for me and lemonade for him and I chose to share The Martian Child, the movie, with him. I love it, not just because of both John and Joan Cusak being in it, but because it touched me deeply with my experience with children with behavioral issues, in special education... and, my work with foster children, too. He seemed to genuinely like it. I'm glad, since he often teases that the only reason I like a movie with John Cusak in it is due to my uber crush on that actor, from the time I was 19. I told him I haven't shared that movie with anyone else, admitting that no one really ever wants to spend time with me, or watch movies with me, other than my child, and him. My sister's just on the other side of this valley and my brother's up the road... but everyone got used to not seeing me, or having me around. No one wanted to spend time with the bitter rude man I'd married. They got used to not wanting or having me in their lives. I accept that. Lanky seemed close to tears at that. What can I say? I call and text, I try to reach out and express my love. All I can do is try.
Anyway, it was nice to have that towering gentle man spend time with me, worry over my illness and stress level, and care about me being here alone. Still, I want his happiness. I want him to know what it is, to enjoy himself... because he LIKES himself. Maybe some day? He seemed to think that my choice to stay home was all because of our past and my reaction to his thoughtlessness, and that he'd decided to meet with a playmate there. Not as much that... more, it's because I want a future for him. He is single, and a playboy. I'm committed to a man so very far from me, I don't know when I'll ever again touch him again. And, as a sicko, there's no way I need to be around others and in a loud crowd when I'm miserable. I need to be alone and rest. My body needs to heal. My mind and spirit, too. I deserve to have peace, and enjoy the quiet tick tocking of the clock and the sounds of the dryer tumbling my things. There are times when being all alone is wonderful to me. So, tonight, I get to close my eyes and lay myself down upon my too tall, too soft bed and sleep the sleep of those who're experiencing the sleep of the feverish and ill. I'm planning on relaxing and on my daughter coming to my bedside for a love filled hug. I HOPE she does. I KNOW she needs one. How I treasure that sweet and terrified girl/woman. How I cherish her amazing strength and how I love her goodness.

4 more days of premium... not the 6 the your account page shows... I've decided I'll re-verify myself... re, only because I was verified with my first profile. I didn't care about doing that for this one. First one, I was verified the day of submission of my photos. But I've decided I want to have the chance to cam with my friends now and again here... so I'll make some verification photos and post them ASAP.

I had to take today off... two and a half days off in one week alone... NOT good, but much needed. My lungs feel like there's cotton blocking my breathing and my head feels thick and pulsing with pain. It's life. But that means I can't go to the concert I've been looking forward to for over a month. American Hitmen, Third Wednesday and Spencer are all playing tonight. Spencer is trying to get as many people to sign up for $1 tickets as possible, you see, this is his welcome back to performing, performance... they give him $3 for every $1 ticket he drums up... and, Hitmen had him as their photographer as they were traveling to perform for the talent TV show, and for their contracts with big named recording companies, etc... and Third Wednesday is a great up and coming band as well... anyway, it is a cheap venue, and I was eager to be there. The other bands are rallying for Spencer. I'd already advised him that I figured Lanky would have at least one playmate there and so I'd need my own tickets, for at least me and one other friend from work. Now I'm going to have the name on those two tickets changed to the other guy's name. A sweet gentle security guard at work, who's almost young enough to be my son. I adore him, and am proud of him for what he accepts responsibility for and how he treats ladies. Anyway, he thanked me for offering to put them in his name... then later texted me to say it won't be the same without me there. I've had him meet me at other venues and though while stiff and awkward seeming that's just him being my bodyguard. Tonight, I was going to get rides to and from the concert with Lanky, but last night, he'd announced his "friend" was going to be there, too... and that he wasn't going to let that change that I was there with him or that he would be my ride... the bad health thing... it's a relief, in reality... though I REALLY wanted to be there for that venue, and for one last time of concerts with friends, this year... I can't be there feeling like I'm intruding on a man's date with someone. It's just sick and wrong. I would be interfering with their night... and as a friend and past playmate/"friend"... that's beyond uncomfortable. I know how awkward it is to have other women from a man's past there when we've planned on spending time together and I also hated when he was setting up future playdates when in my presence when we were still playmates. As things are, he'll still be my daughter's ride to and from work today... but with me out of the way, it should be a better experience for him and his woman, and it'll allow them to move fluidly from there to their planned activities later.
Smirks.. my added cold to my bronchitis and sinus infection are rather accommodating, aren't they?

My supervisor called me this morning. She was letting me know that a miracle was put together on my behalf. I MEAN it... a miracle, which just proves that one of those ladies up in the highest ranks at that company cares. I'd been given a 9:30am through 6pm Sun-Thurs shift. My daughter's days start at 5pm. Even with my Lanky friend helping us, it'd mean she and I would no longer see one another before her shift and there'd be days when I wouldn't see her at all, because she gets off at midnight. Anyway, the woman who approved the changes for me took my issues and needs into account, in a huge way... you see, mandatory overtime for Mondays and Tuesdays is still in effect, at LEAST through this month, if not indefinitely through the Annual Enrollment Period for Medicare Advantage plans... So I'd need to make sure I'd be able to get off work by no later than 4:15 in order to get my daughter to work after I'd get home.... assuming I had a better shift... Now, thanks to her, I DO. Sunday through Thursday, still... with a 7:45am start time, through 4:15pm... I was in tears this morning after that call... The earliest we are on the phones is 5:45am, which means on Mondays and Tuesdays I'll be going in, that early, for my shifts, so... I'll be able to get my daughter to and from work on the weekdays. Sundays will be the only issue. I can't take her to, and or from work those days. But I'm grateful for management who love me and want me and my family to be okay.

My daughter is special, my friends. Social anxiety beyond that of many, yet, she's working at a WalMart, as a cashier... it nearly kills her, just due to that public interaction with strangers. She trusts Lanky even though she knows how he'd crushed me over and over in our past.. and has said she'd sooner ask him to walk her down the aisle than her own father... but first on that list of men is my Alex, if he survives and if he and I become the couple we want to be... She's agoraphobic, claustrophobic, germophobic and so, can't use public transit, either... she has another couple huge road blocks, yes, bigger than the ones I've already mentioned. Transition... change, she can't take it... it terrifies her. So, changes in transportation, changes in our schedules, changes in where we live, and whom we have in our lives... they all impact her in traumatizing ways... add separation anxiety, and she is constantly fear filled, every day of her life... She's been terrified of me being hurt since she was tiny. Screaming, crying, clinging to me and blocking me from her father and one of her uncles since she was able to crawl. Yes, really. My poor daughter has known and recognized the abuse in our home, ever since she was in the womb. And she's heard her father, since she was tiny.. saying, I never wanted children, I don't like being a father and no, I don't want my daughter... I'd wanted a son... She has been not even a third class citizen in his sight and life... all her existence... I was the third class citizen. My poor sweet daughter. Anyway, I'm glad to say I've got one of the most loyal and loving children ever made... and she's one of my best friends in the whole world, too... my Mini-Me as per my guy and Lanky... They both love how we tease, talk ad sass alike. And how we show our love and fierce devotion to one another, too. Anyway, I went into my daughter's room early this morning, with sunlight shining through the blinds across her bed, I asked for a hug, and then told her a miracle had happened for us... I told her about my shift being changed and approved by one of the highest up officials there at work. Have I mentioned yet, how lucky and blessed I feel? I'm doing it now, if I missed out earlier. I'm grateful that people care even an enth at all, for me, to be honest. I feel like I'm a second class citizen... I recognize that's not a good thing, but it's true. And, it's better than being third class, just not good enough yet... Bad news, about that is.. she just pointed out that I can't guarantee I'll be off at the end of my shift. I work in a call center and take the calls as they come. She pointed out that there have been days when I've been a full 1/2 hour late getting out of there, so it doesn't change the fact that she'll still have to call and ask her father for help in getting her to work on her days with the 5pm start. *sigh* My miracle was pointless I guess.

Anyway, I'm struggling, my friends... really struggling with all the turmoil and pain and heartache, and with the results... poor health for me. Then again, I've got help, I've got people who care. I can be thankful for every shred of good in front of me... because that's part of being me. I survive, because of it.

listening to guitar music.... trying to relax and wishing i could hear the voice of my sweetheart... Wondering where he is... how he's feeling, if he's OK. My emotional state has been so very fragile the last couple of days. Seeing his head bobbling weakly wasn't easy to bear, but seeing that face, those lips I so love.. longing to kiss him, feel his arms wrapped around me, and to be able to just touch that man that I love...

I am saddened that my ex is becoming so cold and cruel, so strange and stiff... I can't comprehend how, or why he can do this to his daughter. She needs his love so much.

I'm still sick, struggling, confused and lost inside of myself... unsure, insecure and anxious. I've gotten yet another new shift and my poor babygirl cried and told me I don't know how terrible that news is... ahhh, but I do... at work I was in tears and barely holding myself together... this is all just too much.... so much to deal with have to put up with and struggle through. It's too much. She sadly and in an agitated state choked out that she NEEDS time with me... that we'll no longer have time together. My shift and hers will and do overlap. I'll still be working when she needs a ride to work... and I'll be working Sunday through Thursday... while most of the time she's got Monday and Tuesday off... we'll pass one another once in a blue moon... we'll have moments in the daylight on out days off, until the other has to leave for their shift. It won't be easy for my dear daughter to take. She is so needing Mommy lately. Her father all but ignored me this evening as he refused to hand a sheaf of printouts on cheap cars to her, when I'd opened the door to him. They MIGHT actually be acceptable, if they weren't so damned old and well... they'd be OK for a HS boy who needs a project car for auto shop class.

I'm miserable on so many levels... but I'm still grateful for those who love me, and for their support and roles in my life.

9 days left of premium...

I'm still trying to decide what to do to celebrate, in thanks that I've had a year of it, thanks to one of the dear men I love here. Arbortech, you amaze me sweetie.


for two days in a row, I've actually gotten to see the man I love. We skyped via his phone... it was like a reawakening of him in simply the ability to SEE me on the other side. I'm glad he decided he needed to see me. A reminder of why he's fighting this terrible thing called cancer, that will, unlike other kinds.. NEVER go away, but will be something he'll have to fight and fend off and reduce for the rest of his mortality. Yes, really, this particular form of cancer doesn't go into remission... it will require regular MRI's PET scans and CT scans, for decades, in order to provide him decades of life. It will be an ongoing battle, struggle and ongoing trial for him.. just to live a life with me. I'm still not sure that is a worthwhile thing for anyone who's in such terrible pain and struggling just to breathe live, eat, survive... if this is all he can hope for.... I can honestly say it's NOT worth it. We'll never be able to be together. Never be able to make love. Never be safe in a bed together, for fear of breaking him. It is daunting and disheartening at best. And the whole idea is sinking like a brick into my heart, mind and soul... Like a huge, dark and old brick of lead.

I'm thankful for friendship. I mean it. Without friends like the ones I have... there's no way I could make it through my life sane and calm or able to function. I'm struggling just with the day to day hell and trials... add the truth of my lovelife, the man I love more than any other man, and the ones I love who surround me with their adoration, devotion and love as well... well, they all have their struggles and I thank God for each and every strong and tender hearted one of them. TJ, arbor, whokens, thick, quiet, naughty and others... all dear good men. I need each and every one of you, my dears... and oh, to mention the lovely sisters I've found here, in so many ladies... YOU ALL.. each and every one of you... I thank you for loving words of support, for quiet and public, and good hearted strength and love of women I look up to, admire, adore and love dearly... whisper, TWL, bra, lill, Jedi, and each lady I haven't mentioned... each one of you beauties matter to me.

I thank you. I love you,
hugs and loves,
Dawn

fighting
lung infections. Bronchitis and working to avoid pneumonia from getting bad enough to make life impossible for me..

I don't have creditable medical coverage. So I'm going to just have to be careful, hope, and pray.

do NOT tell me to go to a doctor, FUCK you if you do dare say it to me... I DON'T have a fucking car... I don't have enough money for my rent this month... and I don't have any help. I just have a jobless gangling horn-dog who's willing to bend himself ass backwards to help with rides to and from work, for both me and my daughter. Still no clue why or what's so important about me, being in his life.

I'm a non-essential employee, in a Right to Work state... meaning, they can fire you over nothing, or any little thing. I'm barely functioning.

I won't be coming here much. I HATE what NN has done to the start, forcing me to use that rotten front page filled with pussy shots. FUCK, if they want me to come back show me a nice sexy MAN, not a woman...

I'm tired. I can't seem to get enough air. My sinuses and lungs are full. I can't afford to go to the hospital, or a doctor. I have no money for prescriptions. And my family is as helpful as talking to HR about helping me around our mandatory overtime, and another shift bid with the most horrible shifts to pick from.

I'm going to lose my job, or my daughter will lose hers. She's watching other people get told they're permanent, and because of her 5 days off due to her injury, they won't hire her, permanently. And of all things.. NOW, she wants it.

I'm without a car. My ride is with a guy who's a philandering man-whore who had to leave last night, in hopes of getting laid... I don't blame him. I would need it, too. Spending day after day in close proximity to an ex-playmate he's bedded before... and not having the luxury of looking forward to that as part of the perks of the exchange of caring and support we give to one another... Shakes head.

I won't have enough money for a car for a long time. My ex bought himself a bed, instead of doing as he'd said, helping with some of the costs of a car, as a loan to us... we're trapped. I'm trapped. and, I need medication, but I'll make it.. and if I don't... well... it doesn't matter. my issues, my health... my needs being unable to be met... only impact two people in a real way... myself, and my daughter.

Don't try to remind me about my guy in the Chicago area. He's advised me there's not going to be a sexual relationship with me, in the future... and, my issues... he honestly shuts me down and ignores them. My needs, my struggles... they no longer matter to him. He's made it very very clear. I'm not even tertiary to him or real enough to him right now... and I understand. But he did have some good news. He's finally gotten his FMLA paperwork filed at work, and his temporary disability(short & long termed coverages) finally filed, again at work. He'll get a nice initial lump sum, retro-activated to back past his pneumonia hospitalization. And, he's back in the hospital to get a gastroenterologist involved in his medical care. I made the mistake of reminding him this morning that I'd wanted that to happen for him way, way back when, before he was starving to death. I can't keep revisiting the past and angering him. I have to just learn to listen, when he chooses to reach out to me... and not care any more, that what I'd tried to get him to do for himself... never mattered enough. What I'd begged him to do for himself never mattered... not until someone there made it clear he needed it. Even the short term disability coverage through work... he wouldn't look into it, until he'd already been hurting too much, too long.

I've come to recognize my role is not one of real significance or value in his life. I understand that loving someone deeply... is not enough. Nor is friendship or attraction. Not when respect and desire to show it, is missing.

I am learning what I can live with and what I need to live without. And, I've come to a conclusion... that mattering to someone.... enough to have them respect my intuition and caring advise... and follow through... is imperative. I can't live with a man who'll discount my concern as a woman who's imposing herself upon him, instead of the caring advise of the woman who loves him. I'm still there in his mind.. just overly worried and someone to ignore.

I'm realizing that I'm still not close to being the right person for anyone... and more importantly... that I'm even less close to finding that right man for me. And, there's no use looking. All it does is bring me playmates and men who want nothing between us than sex.... and even though that is needed... I need the intimacy of trust, respect and loving more.
So... screw yourself, is what I now tell myself every day.

Take care, my friends... enjoy life and all the positive it sends your way. And find a reason to fight through each trial and hurdle placed in front of you. I have one reason... My daughter.

Life....

a peculiar thing.

I don't know where, nor how my lover is.

Tomorrow I sell my car to a wrecking yard. They'll tow it from the parking garage, at work. $300 will help towards a down for another vehicle.

My buddy Tall and Lanky still amazes me, with how much time he invests into me, us, including my daughter... And, he continues caring about my relationship with my sweetheart. Smiles... he's got women in his peripheral, and in his sights. And I want his happiness.

I'm learning. And I'm grateful to learn of love, acceptance, caring, loyalty, devotion, dedication... forgiveness, acceptance, embracing self and those whom you love. I'm teaching my daughter... of life, love, peace, happiness... and of all the good we can obtain in our lives... of the richness we can provide, receive, experience, enjoy... and create.

I'm feeling, tasting, seeing, hearing and touching the things that we experience.. both "bad" and good...
and rejoicing in the moments... the fragments of time and treasuring all that I can.

I'm living.