Been tossing this one and a couple others around in my mind for a time... and then stumbled on his blog and decided I HAD to choose him. Not just because I'd admired, and liked him a couple years back, like a few others I've grown to love.. but because of the strength and goodness in his life all due to his choices and those of one of our lovely ladies... I'm thinking, without acknowledging Sugar's part in his life... I'd be making a huge mistake. Because, way I see it, there's a strong and dear woman there beside a very good man... a couple, who fit well together, is perfection to me.

I'm honoring a gentleman and his kindness... willingness and caring are things he's got overflowing... and that beautiful gal he's got with him is Sooooooo very right for and with him... I just can't talk about him without reminding HER... of her worth and how she's built this fine man back up as much as he's done for her.

Anyway, this is to our dearHowlin... and, to his lady, Hillbilly'sPride... our sweet Sugar.

my friends... I'll be losing my premium very, very soon. in just two weeks... and, I'm trying to decide how to say goodbye... at least, good bye to the opportunities to delete, to edit, to go back into my messages and reread them... and to video chat here, as well... I'm not sure what to do. I'm not sure of anything except that I've got some of the most amazing people to call family and friends... mostly friends.

Lanky and I spend so much time together these days... just months back it was a trial to do so... painful, because I wanted him to want me. Now, we're supportive and loving friends. This afternoon we'd talked of my sweetheart, my hurt, and my concerns... and then he spoke up reminding me of the love my love and I share... reminding me of the pains he's bearing, and the fight he's fighting to have any chance at a future... we talked of his feelings, too... and of his perspective as a man and how he'd feel towards me, if i were to let go, step back or worse, to walk away, if he were in my loves place.. and even how he'd feel as my friend were I to step back. He encouraged me, even demanded gently that I follow through. He's a very deeply invested friend. He sees this as something very special... and I realize how important my happiness and that of my lover have come to be.... to HIM. A man who'd been jealous, and sure he was better for me than my sweetheart was... sure of his role being more fulfilling for me than other men's could ever be... all I know is this... he's here, for me in more ways than I can verbalize. He NEEDS me to be strong as greatly as does my lover in Illinois. He wants a happy ending for us, and he's watching and learning as we share. Today, we both agreed that it'd be to our advantage if he could have a place closer to me, to live, or to temporarily stay. If only I had a third bedroom. He'd be my guest at least, and to stay, and live, if needed. Just a couple months ago, he'd wanted to move into a place with us, but as more than friends... now, he's in love with my love for my dearest man... and he wants it to remain strong. And I'm grateful for the love he's gained for me, my daughter and my man... I'd never imagined I could be this close a friend to him, until I realized how the power of forgiveness and acceptance heal and help.

Smiles... Thanks TJ, Thank you, bOObsman, 000max and naughtynice.. there are others, too... you men are strength and support to me, just as my sisters here, and friends at work. YOU are wonderful souls, too... just as are the very special men who've touched my life. Smiles... I shared my body with two men who've turned out to be the closest friends I have now... one, my closest male friend geographically and... the man who's the love of my life... there are three who are loved on a level that is both friends and love of woman to a man... my sweetheart, my Lanky... and the one who's always reminding me of my worth, how far I've progressed and makes me laugh with his tender and zany self. I am blessed. I'm a woman who was born late perhaps, as a hippie. And as a woman who's got the capacity for love, for caring compassion and a desire for good and loving men in my life... I am grateful to say I love some very good men who've blessed my life with their love.

My friend, Tall and Lanky really is amazing at times... to me, anyway... I wonder how long it'll take before he can't take my voice, or my presence. He really does bend over backwards for me... and my kid. I'm thankful, but I worry for him, too. He struggles. And he's a player, who's taking on a woman and her daughter, to help them in a major way. Just the time alone is a large chunk of his days, and nights... but the expense of gas these days... well, I KNOW how much that was costing ME... about $70-80 per week, for my daughter and I to drive my car all over... between our two places of work, school, and shopping.

Last night, my guy got quite testy that I was so concerned and frustrated over our plight... he stopped me with.. I'd trade MY situation for yours any day... while he has a valid point... so do I... I NEED to be able to get myself, and my daughter to, and from work, school, and other places... to afford life, to pay rent... to pay of debts... and save for the future. Without a way to get to, and from work... we will lose our jobs, incomes... home, our things, and a means of communication... with HIM. He will lose my voice my words, my time, my sharing... and our connection. I need my job. I need our home. I need to work and struggle and fight and hope that I can make our lives BETTER.

I've nearly died several times in my life. I too had chemotherapy... when I was a child. I too had pneumonia and struggled to eat, to breathe, to live... for me, that's a regular struggle, though. So too, to stay afloat, to find joy in life... to see the light, positive and goal in front of me... sometimes.. a hundred miles away, yet.. it MUST be pulled withing my vision.. I have to set my sights... focus.. and move forward.

I'm drifting, friends... I'm recognizing that he need and loves me, yes... but also that the things I'd thought might stand between us.. truly could. There is no one to take his place in my heart, and life... except myself and my daughter. Right now, I'm fighting for our safety, lives and security. I'm fighting to stay focused on the good I have to look forward to...

and I keep thinking... he was right. He WAS right. It is easy for a man like him... just as it is for Tall and Lanky... to find a good, caring, loving, giving and gentle woman to love or spend time with...

Lanky proves it constantly... and has amazing looking women interested in him. But me?

I'm a dime a dozen... there's no need to keep me in any man's sights. They can find other good and kind and sweet women. There's nothing significantly utterly impossible to replace... within... me.

contemplating the things I'm going through... health issues for me, my daughter, my lover... distance between he and I feeling farther than reality. In reality, we're just a phone call away, hearing his voice brings him right here, close to me... I can't feel his breath against my skin though... I miss the gentle caresses of his fingers on my arm, my brow and cheek. The way he kissed me, was breath taking. Absolutely hungry, consuming, and fulfilling... The peace and light in his beautiful brown eyes, and the way his hands enveloped mine... I long to have his arm around me, his hand grasping mine and his palm against my back, leading me, protectively, lovingly and proudly as we'd walk. I miss... HIM

gratitude...

a changed attitude.

patience and a man who gave me all of this.

can't complain. even though life's still sending me plenty of challenges and trials.

without friends who're real and absolute... I wouldn't make it.

Got a good workout in, again... mmmmm mm, love the pain of stretching and working this body. Hoping to get it back to firm abs, tits and a bootay again

New neighbors are making happy and busy sounds below me...

And I got to speak with two men I love dearly, today... TJ, and my guy. TJ reminded me that though I don't want to rely upon my friend Lanky.... maybe he needs to be there, again and know I value our time together... He's got a point *nods like a bobblehead* But it's also making my ex recognize just how much we're struggling.. he's offered to help our kid out. Can't knock that. Then I got to talk with my sweetheart for a while. He sounded worried and distressed that I'm stuck like this. Thing is... I've got the greatest kid. Her willingness to sacrifice for our betterment is really cool, and totally amazing to me. And because she's doing so much for US.. I feel she needs to be there to help choose the pile of crap we'll be sharing. *winks*

last night, I got to speak my my love again. He's looking into high caloric foods to pour through his feeding tube. I'd told him what I'd made for supper the night before and how it's not the same, after years of having not made home made cheddar cheese & macaroni for supper. It used to be an incredibly delicious meal... but to me it was just so-so. He insisted it would be good... in truth it was great as reheated leftovers. He talked of wanting to be able to eat. And, sounded wistful and lonely. I know he must have listened to The Three Degrees recently... because he'd asked me when he'd get to see me again... Oh but I knew he longed for that, the way he spoke... and I do so want it too... it saddens me that my life's become so hard instead of better. My daughter was supposed to be earning money, being able to get help from her father for her schooling, and helping me out with paying her share of things. Instead I was looking back on my last few paychecks and realize I've lost more income than I'd estimated. I've had to struggle through the past two months making less by more than $750 NET. That is hugely impactful. And, I have no clue how I made it through.. shaking head, that's not true. No grocery shopping, eating food that we've got on the shelves... and well... letting Tall & Lanky take me out once in a while. *shrugs*

I just came back a while ago from having had my ex look over my car. It's got some major issues. No way I can get it fixed cheaply... I'm tired of this. I mean it... TIRED of this.

My kid's going to see about giving me what's left of her paycheck... to see about us putting a down payment on a reject car.. you know, one of those seedy little used car lots with older cars.. like, from late 80's - early 90's that were traded in for something... with a low down payment and $200/mo payment... all because I can't afford anything else. My artwork and jewelry aren't selling. And I'm at a loss as to how we can deal with life without a car to get us where we need to go. And, I don't know anyone who would be able to loan me a car.

Life... it kind of blows in a really bad way right now.

another Friday the 13th for me... oh, feck.. forgot to call the courthouse about the speeding ticket I'd gotten two weeks ago(on Friday the 13th), I was supposed to call no later than today, but forgot it completely... all because of the issues of the day... Joy? Oh geezzz... a warrant will be out with my name on it... Just my luck?

My car is like a Chucky on wheels... held together by duct tape, gorilla glue and who knows what else... but today it got the bright idea to turn the headlights BACK on, after I'd left the parking garage... yes, really, really... REALLY. The battery was utterly drained, but the weird thing is... the lights were shut off, but they were ON once my battery got enough juice... uh huh...
possession's 9/10ths of the law, right? *shudders*

so who own my car???

Every time someone had to leave after unsuccessful attempts to start it, the lights would fade within a few short minutes... juice her up and wham, they're brighter than bright. **shaking head** I was able to call my sister and asked her for a ride home... so, an hour and a half after we'd talked... nods, yep.. that's my adorable lil' sis... *sigh* frozen Popsicle me-e-ee (nods with teeth chattering)

While waiting, I had conversations with my love(((yayeeeee!!!)), my ex... begging for his help on the weekend... he's actually willing (hands on cheeks with a look of shock in my eyes) and with Lanky, who was returning my call... he'd been up officiating another bike race, and was checking in on me.. I'm still trying to figure out why... and what the heck he sees me as, to be checking IN and hoping to hang out together... he'd also hoped to invite me up to the next race, tomorrow morning, to assist him. I'dah dun et, but I'd made plans with my ex, to have him come get me and go out to my car at the parking garage at work, to see if he could help fix my beastie. I honestly hope that he can... yes, really. I'm grateful he's willing and able to work on it, for us. Lanky is as clueless as too many guys I've played with lately... I can say my sweetheart knows less about auto repairs than do I... um, yeah, most of the guys I've, ahemmed, are like that. Not sure I'd say it's bad, just inconvenient for a desperate woman who's got next to nothing to pay for help, and no training to do the work myself. Anyway, I also NEED that car in working order... to get our daughter to her job by 4pm, and let's face it.. we both need to get to work and keep our jobs!!!

I'm working on more jewelry tonight. I had to advise Lanky that the show tonight, at The Royal costs $20.00 for a cover band... just covers... hmmm, not worth it.

Got my paycheck... nods, $200 less than normal. This month's going to SUCK and be extremely TIGHT. But, a little good news... I got an order for 4 pairs of clip-on earrings The order won't make up for the lost wages, but it'll definitely help me. That's what's important, and it helps boost my morale, my self-esteem. So, I get to work on a couple more pairs than the ones I've already got ready for her. And, who knows... maybe I can get more sales once I start posting my wire wrapping efforts on etsy.

**shrugs**

I made this necklace today, for myself...

I'd decided to make it a couple months ago. The two pieces of "Sea Glass are the bits I'd kept from the beach, when my guy and I were walking along the shore of Lake Michigan, on my last day there, in Chicago.



I wrapped copper wire around each piece and made the leather choker necklace.



I decided to name the necklace.. after all, I'll be wearing fragments of memories every time I lay this against my skin.

accepting that I'll no longer hear from the man that I love isn't going to be easy. Especially after just last week, when he'd asked me to not allow that to happen again, after just one day of not hearing from me.

I'm withdrawing from Lanky, too... decided that he's fucking up his life again, with adding screwing and fucking around to his living situation.. thing is.. I know that man's foolish ways, and about the woman he'd played with and how easily she manipulates people... I stepped back and recognized that I'm more like a mommy, or a wife with no sexual aspect, for him. I don''t need that and he doesn't deserve to have me enabling and accepting his foolish ways, and pretending I understand his version of truth.

I have no clue what to do... I'm struggling even more, financially, and not selling one thing I've created, is discouraging at best. I've lost out on over $400 net pay over the past few weeks, due to needing to take time off for my daughter, and for myself, to destress and avoid absolutely falling apart.

I feel alone. No, I know there are friends here... but alone in that I'm distancing myself from a friend who just drags me down with his idiocy and the man I love is in too bad of shape to reach out, or answer me... My daughter's sick, frustrated and injured, and I'm lost and frustrated about my inability to support us, and do more than barely survive.

I have 21 days left of premium here... not sure what I'll do about that... no need to Do anything... eh?