let's face it.. we're sexual, sensual creatures... I once was known for my writings, as a blogger and healthy living/eating journalist.. I'd described how I'd shed almost 50 lbs off my frame.. the ways I had to be creative in the kitchen, based on diet issues, reactions to foods, etc by each of the three that were my household years ago. And.. the sheaths of my erotic fantasies, real life stories and mere fragments of mental stimulation and erotic imagery in written for were discovered by accident... floating to the floor.. and eventually after humiliation by my abusive partner back then.. it seemed to disappear some months later. I suspect I'd been the one to destroy them, in humiliated shame, after being tortured in both verbal and sexual abuse... he was a cruel and vile man off and on... never knew which of his at least three personas would greet me from day to day...

Anyway, Eros is one of my pleasures.. erotic sentences and hints of lust. passion, aching and need.. of sensuality and luxuriation in desire... languid tapestries of heat and owing to my appetite. I'll titillate your minds once in a blue moon with truth, wishes, thoughts and simple textures and stimulus.

just a warning

Survived the day... coughing and raspy.. but I'm going to be ok. I felt kind of bad that the people are being evicted, but I guess I'm valued by someone around the complex. They're being moved by a special unit to a place that allows smoking... Yayee? no more killing me.. *sigh* unless another chain smoker moves in. Both my kid and I are still struggling with the severity of the smoke damage to our lungs.. this was a dangerous situation, health-wise. I honestly can't afford to move, but with issues like that one I'm honestly not sure what to do. I can't afford an ER visit, let alone a Dr visit. I don't want to die, but my throat is still raw as if I'd breathed in the ash from a house fire. But then, my daughter had mentioned smelling cigarette smoke several hours prior to my having to open all widows draw air in through the swamp cooler, and blow it out a couple windows with fans. Anyway, we're alive.

removed a post in statuses.. no complaints there... my frustrations and pain fit here... not that I like to vent.. but still.. lungs and chest tight.. asthma triggered to an extreme and a killer migraine are gifts a new neighbor in my building gave me.. another one below me and this isn't the first time. Last time I'd left a note under the office door for landlord. I went downstairs in my jammies to try to talk to them but unsure they understood me. They don't speak English, and I'm not sure how to say they'll get a $1,000 fine, lose their apartment and I could die.. I can't afford an ER visit, with no medical coverage. So I have no choice but to stay in my smoke filled apartment, choking and my throat tightening up. This is far from good.. daughter's asthmatic too, but Chemo destroyed my lungs way back when I was a little kid... this is so not good

friendship is a beautiful thing. respect, appreciation, adoration, love.. comfort in being around each other, relaxing and being ourselves...

These are just a few of the many aspects of friendship. They're also crucial for long lasting relationships, whether as family members or lovers... there is a true and honest intimacy.

Anyway, I value my friends, the friendships I've gained and nurtured, and the love I both have for others and find in them as well, for me.

Thank you for your role in my life. Thank you for friendship, support, pleasure and trust. And thank you for helping to strengthen my resolve and for your part in helping me find my inner sterngth, peace and light.

Today I got a text from arbortech... he made it back home, to his place.. smiles to sleep in his own bed. I'm glad that he was able to leave the hospital today... and, that he's keeping in touch... hmm, maybe if I send HIM another pair of panties to match me, I can hear a smile on that face.

I got to spend another evening with my kiddo. Went shopping, and talked about our days, then dinner together. We finally watch the second Star Trek movie together... I bought one of the mid-range multi-packs.. thinking it was practical. *sigh* oh, how I love blu-ray, my big flat screen LCD TV and surround sound stereo systems!!! Mmmm, mmm mmmmmmm...
drawback.. we were teasing each other, and since I've seen it before I was wiggly me.. kinda too loud and active. She told me that next time we watch it, there's NO talking.. no tickling and no wiggling.. awww umm, okay. She does deserve to catch every bit of it.. Yes, Mommy (shrugs)

I called my love after the movie and just about dozed completely off to the sound of his healthier breathing... A room phone is nothing like his headset and cell phone in clarity. I so-ooooo MISS that... anyway, he informed me he'd had another good day, and that they're letting him go home tomorrow... I'll be praying mightily that he is well enough to NOT end up in the ER and admitted again this coming weekend!!!

I still feel so very amazed at the love he has for me.. the adoration and devotion.. and that he's so sure I'm worth all of this.. we're worth it... and our future is easily attainable. He's so strong and positive. And he's my reality, my heartbeat, my darling best friend and the man I'm striving to be with for Ever and Always.

My day was alright at work... and I enjoyed shoe shopping with my daughter... oh, shuuush... it was sneakers. Stomps foot. I came away with glow-in-the-dark neon blue ones with neon green designs and trim... I'll be grabbing attention with each step.

though my sweetheart's voice is muffled, and slurred, how I love to hear him, sharing about his day today. It was the first day of radiation for his parotid gland, and first day of chemo, too. He'll only have one day of chemo per week for now. 10-15 minutes at a time for the radiation. He's also been working with a dietitian, who's guiding him to alter his diet and how/when he eats. For the first time, he's held his weight plateaued, a couple days in a row.
Things are moving forward... slowly and in progression.

love John Legand's music...

I spoke again with my sweetheart, today.. he'll be in the hospital for who knows how long.. he's resigned himself to the fact that he's going to continue having tummy troubles as long as he's got these cancer issues, and was moved to the newest tower of the hospital so that his oncologist can have easier access to him and monitor his health. He'd also gotten to meet his new PCP, so that he's now got one in Chicago proper, who's aware of his needs and issues. The chemo's still on, for him so he'll be wheeled to the labs for both radiation and his first dose of chemo, which will start tomorrow. We'd discussed how much we love our relationship already. We talked of the strength this nightmare is adding to us, rather than weakening up as a couple... we both insisted it's fantastic. Anyway, I'd shared well wishes from arbortech, and a hug from him over the phone, as well as love and wishes sent out from those here at work and in our family... smiles.. OUR family, including the ex's who love me and thus, him as well... how people are praying, crossing fingers and sending positive his, and our way. It's a lovely thing to know that people care. The love of my life for the first time in a while told me he loves me before we hung up. It's hard for us to go even one day without hearing one another's voice. It's hard to deal with not seeing his face for too long, down the road. I need to get my computer figured out... to unlock the password that I forgot, so I can ship it to him for the chance to see him skyping, and more importantly... to let him see me. I'll have to ask around at work. Crossing fingers. and wishing I were still in touch with ace... a guy from here, who's a wiz with computers and has helped me before with issues... gee with that very same one. *sigh* anyway, we'll see what I can do, eh?

Arbortech... he'd called me just minutes before my love had text me, saying, "call me, baby." He's alive, in a lot of pain, feels like his insides are being ripped out. Unhappy with the non-foods he's being given... broth, jello, etc... but today he'd gotten some pudding with whipped cream, he sounded like that was a bit of heaven for him. anyway, he's fighting for his life and returned strength, for himself... I'm proud of these two men, who've got reasons to live for.. for arbor, it's his daughter's wedding next weekend, a week from today. He delivers flowers and he's got the bouquets and all that ordered, and plans to make sure they're delivered perfectly and on time... god has let me meet some strong men, and I'm in awe of that side of them. I'm grateful to have these fine men as examples in my life... and, to love one of the finest I've ever known as mine. Smiles... my lover, my mate, the man I want, forever. All I can do is pray and hope and send all positive I can, for him.

One of our status friends here, thekid reached out to me, today... asking me to add someone to my list of people to pray for. A lady here, who's recently had a stroke. I've lost the name, but please, send out positive for two Newbie Nuders, and for my love, myself and my daughter... I know that you are, already... so thank you for those who are. I feel it, I really do.

love, light and all positive...
D

today, the sun is shining on this area, as if to make up for missing out on kissing us with it's warmth the past few days. Maybe it'll raise steam from the ground, or dry a bit of hthis all out?

Anyway, I'm glad for new days, dawning on the world around me... and so they do, and this one brought my determination to hear my sweetheart's voice and oh, what timing... I got to speak with him, just before they'd injected more of the contrasting materials into him, for a CT scan, again.. to search for metastasized cancer, yet again. Ah, how this thing is consuming him and his time... but it hasn't diminished his spirit and strength of resolve. My love is one of the most admirably positive and strong souls I have the honor of knowing and loving. And I'm fortunate to be the woman he's in love with and to be in love with him. This isn't the infatuation that too many people have... no... it's a love built on years of being friends, hearing each other's trials and issues, our delights and growth experiences... years in which we'd both gained mutual respect and appreciation for one another, and realized it was exactly the kind of feelings and thoughts we wanted to have for our partner to be. I know how much he cherishes me. And he will always know how I feel for him and see him in my inner eye. God blessed me, Karma, or the Universe, as well... all I know is... as TJ's reminded me, I've come a long way from where I was 2-3 years ago. Amazing to realize that next month I'll have been here... had I kept my original ID.. for three full years. Anyway, I'm grateful for TJ's loving words of laughter and wisdom and peace. He is right... I'm still becoming myself. My TRUE self... and so far I really like her, this SELF person *winks and smiles*

Even though my life is in a shambles with all the things I'm dealing with.. I'm juggling them. I'm working through them and glad I've got this job that sometimes kills me... because it was the job that led to my freeing myself from death at the hands of a crazy man. It led me to relationship mentors and men both good and bad. I'm grateful for mistakes, because they reminded me of what I want and need in my life. Which, brought me self control and *another smile* allowed me to see that OCD part of me as a good thing to allow to rise to the surface again.

And, even though there's a chance I could lose this beautiful man of mine to his cancer... I'd lose him due to the starvation and the effects it has on him sooner than to that cancer. Anyway... even though that might happen, I've got him. I told him today that everyone knows how much I truly strongly love my Alex... and I could hear a smile as he teased me, asking, "is that who I am?" I replied happily "Yes, you are mine, and I can't be prouder of saying that you are my man." I heard the man who was going to prep him for the contrast injections and the anesthesiologist, too, in the background. Oh, how I've missed that voice. And he made it clear that having talked with me every day hadn't prepared him for one long day without me. I KNOW without a shadow of a doubt that my man loves and values me and that is the most perfect gift I've been given. And, the love of his family is very strong for me already... simply because of my loving support and because of the changes I'd effected in his life. I guess I'm a woman of influence? *smirks* Only influential if you've known my love and well wishes in your life...

Anyway, I also wanted to share a change of heart or mind in my sweetheart. At the beginning of our joyous reunion on phone, after stormy weather here and nightmarish struggles there, for him... aand yes, he's admitted for the tird weekend in a row, now... he'd huskily and sweetly told me he wants me to kiss him. I told him I send kisses in my thoughts always, he said, no.. lips to lips, Dreamy... I replied, me too, oh how I long to kiss those thick and wonderful lips of his... I began to go into things I'm TRYING to do yet, still not achieving in making sales and in raising any funds for a trip.. he just stopped me as effectively as if he'd taken my hand and kissed me.. reminding me that NOW isn't the right time for it. Ye,s very true... not until five or six months from now. Oh, how long those months will be for me... but, yes, he's quite right... because I want him healed, I want him restored to his muscular self, but I cna't wait until he's back to 180 lbs of solid muscle. I'll need to see him before then, but not this way, frail skin and bones and barely able to lift himself from a bed or chair. He wants to work to become himself again, and wants me to just relax and accomplish what is needed here, to prepare for a future we've yet to create. He's got a job he can return to at both his hourly waged job and to the business he's partnering with. And I'm grateful for the love of the men with whom and for whom he works... And I'm grateful for this horrible trial we're being tested with, because if it has shown me anything of what I have to look forward to in the future... I know I've got a loving man to hold me close who proves his love and determination to be there alive and strong in my life... and everyone around us can see what loving him and being loved by him is doing for me. I am more complete, more at peace, even when I'm falling apart, than I ever was before. And, we're able to prove our love by sharing one another with those we love. **smiling widely now** God, I'm glad he doesn't mind me blogging about him and about us. I'm glad he seems to be pleased by the fact that I'm loved by people all over and that they are happy that I've found the man I want to be in my life forever. And, he knows that potentially hundreds of thousands of people hear about my love, joy and devotion to a man who's not even a member of this site, and who's seldom on FB, either. He hears about what I post on FB, from his sister who is, let's face it, mine now, as well. For in loving him, I'm also loving all his family. Oh my, back to the message... I am far too good at getting side tracked... when we'd talked of me going ther,e to kiss that mouth again, I'd said I'd do my best to stash away little bits of money for repairs on my car(about half way there now) and other things and THEN to fly to him... that I'd do what I could to find a good deal on a motel room, since he'd been so detemriend to not allow me to sleep on a floor or be at a family member's home, last time we'd had me planning on a trip. His heart has been changed, or maybe it's that somebody reminded him I'm family to them already? All I know is this... he's patient, even though he longs for me, he knows the timing isn't right for either one of us, yet. And, he and his family love me deeply. He told me to forget worrying over accommodations when I do have my trip. He told me I'd have a place in someone's home, with a sister or his mother, and to not worry about that ever again. Changes like that, to me are very good. My love knows I love him dearly. His family knows it, too. So do the men who've played wit me, and care about me... and I can't thank them enough for their roles in my life... the ones that count, that is.

I've still got this weird friendship and connection with Tall and Lanky and I can't complain about it at all. In honesty, it's a real friendship. And he's making changes in his won life based on mine. That's really, kind of cool, because I see it as a compliment as well as a reflection of his admiration for both my sweetheart, and for me. He's slowing down the game playing, screwing around and ruining his life and those of all the women he's messed with. I was with him on his birthday, and he spent time in my home yesterday, cooking cupcakes for his party. And I just kept loading him up with stuff he could use. A nice floor lamp that's just been sitting on a shelf, still in its box... an extra. I'd bought him dishes way back, from when we used to spend time at his home, too, because he wished he hand enough for entertaining his family at his other place. I hope he wouldn't want to bring his children into the place he now resides... heck, I know he can't stand being there as things are. And he knows I love him as one of the three people I love and hold closest in my life right now. I do love this tall gangling boy-man... and I'd like to think that I've had some influence in his growing up. For he IS growing up right now. He too is finding his place in his own life... and once he can like and love himself, I think he'll be capable of understanding the things that are important in life. Respect, appreciation, understanding and responsibility. He wasn't a responsible husband, or father, but he's more aware of his opportunities to be better at it, now... I've seen it in his words and deeds. Smiles, I'm his older sister? or maybe just a past playmate, who loved and still loves him for the potential inside of him that is now starting to glimmer in the sunlight as it's becoming part of who he is, instead of just a possibility. I'm raising myself, and an adult daughter, and finding I've got enough love within me to share it with him, with my sweetheart, with TJ, and whokens, whisper, and TWL, arbortech and everyone I've cherished here and elsewhere... and there's plenty more, because it's not mine to hold onto, but to share. Love is a powerful force in the universe. I was taught it's the same energy that bonds the universe, binds atoms together, and binds us, spirit to spirit. Just as hugs are a way to communicate soul to soul, and body to body in one perfect touching connection. A hug is the passing of love from one to another and that is healing. And so I hug. I've explained the power of hugs for decades, just as my mother had taught me... hugs heal, hugs comfort, hugs are direct connections between spirits and minds and thoughts, it is a glorious thing to feel the hugs from someone who knows that key truth about a hug.

So when you hug your children, significant other or anyone.... think of me and this blog... and send loving healing thoughts through and to that person... then opened up to the return of 100 times more into your self... and feel that glorious perfection in that hug. It's truly empowering and dazzling. **nods like a bobblehead** Yes, indeed, it is.

I got to speak with my dear friend TJ yesterday.. he has a way of cheering anyone up, with his teasing and joviality. I'd given him the latest scoop on my darling.. and informed him I've yet to hear from sweet arbortech.

Still no word from either of those two. Alex had tried to reach me but the monsoon weather hit our area and I didn't get many messages or any phone calls while it was going on. I saw his attempt, had planned to call him back.. then received a text from his oldest sister... I don't know what to say, really, except I have no clue how my love is doing... this is his third weekend being rushed to the ER. They were going to Xray his chest and abdomen last time I'd heard anything.. may hours ago now. I'd hopes to hear more later in the evening. Nothing. All I can do is hope pray and send my love out to the ma that I love. I'll be calling him in the morning, if I can. Oh how frustrating to not have heard or known of his call... He needed me and I didn't call ASAP to check on him, once I'd seen that notice. I pray that he is resting and doing fine tonight.

Meanwhile the rains are gently falling... no longer hearing warnings from phones and radios. Flash flooding is a serious issue in the deserts of the southwest. And while that rains and humidity remind me of home... the danger of these floods does not. They can devastate, destroy and wash so much away here.... and really scare people around here.