one of the men I love here is one strong hearted man. Arbortech is another long-time friend here. This man has supported me as a few others have, while preparing to end my marriage, and everything... he's the man who'd sent me several of my beautiful pairs of panties to post photos of me in them here. Arbor has fought and won with prostate cancer the first time around.. but this beautifully tender guy (who loves to wear as well as see the lovely ladies here in panties) is now fighting for his life. Arbor is a lovely daddy.. just as is our marvelous TJ... and he's talked me through some of the hellish nightmares I face with my bipolar schizophrenic girl. Anyway... my sweet and loving friend from Napa Valley just called me while waiting for surgery to remove his kidney.. the prostate cancer has metastasized and spread out of control.. in order to try to save this dear man's life, and give him any hope of survival, they're removing it ASAP. He was prepped and waiting.. and was paged while we were talking. My sweet arbortech asked about my daughter, asked about my sweetheart, and sadly was reminded of his own brother's battle with cancer and septic infection... Even though he knows he might not survive the night, he wished my love, my daughter and myself well... I promised to send all the positive I could muster, his way... and he made me promise to take care of myself, not just for the sake of my poor terrified daughter and the man who'd asked me to marry him.. but for myself and all else who love me. His last words were of his love for me, and that if he's able, he'll text e to let me know he's OK.

I am grateful for the kindness, the friendship, admiration and love of people like him. And can say I'm proud to actually consider so many glorious dear men and women here as true and real friends whom I adore.

If you read this.. would you please pray and send positive his way? Arbortech is a quieter soul, and lovable, for sure.

Anyway, this is my MARVELOUS MEN of NN blog entry for this week.

this song gets me through my days a lot more, lately...
love this group...

I'm not sure what to think of my life and dreams right now... rocking while hugging my arms around me tightly...

My sweet dear man.. I will keep hoping beyond reason for him. Yesterday he told me he'd be getting the last dose of radiation for both his hip and the brain stem today and then begin the chemo. He also informed me that.. FINALLY... they'd discovered the infection I'd suspected in his colon, intestines and stomach, in one of their blood tests. I hate feeling so helpless, ineffectual and useless in the lives of the people I love the most.

Anyway, IT is the reason why he's dying. A fucking infection they'd refused to look for. My guy's antibiotic is making the acid, pain and reflux even worse... how ironic?

My love has no muscle left, and is under 115 pounds in weight. At just under 6 feet tall that is FAR from healthy... how DARE his practitioners allow this to happen, without concern?????? I can't comprehend their determination to obsess over the cancer when 2 months plus ago, I'd noticed how detrimental his gastric illness would be, and had begged him to seek a colonoscopy / endoscopy.

I'm undone with that news, alone. but, as if his news wasn't enough, the universe had to hit my AngelDoll as well.

My daughter was crushed... her physical therapy was cancelled for this morning, because the case manager representing WalMart in her Worker's Comp Claim denied the entire claim, due to not seeing any severe reactions from my daughter when she'd twisted her knee in video from that day.
My kid spoke with the woman after the news was supplied by the Physical therapist in a phone call... and numbly chose to accept the determination. By the time my dear child had told me the news of her day, today, she was absolutely falling apart, screaming, slapping her face repeatedly which is a sign of how far she's gone mentally and emotionally. My poor baby... my poor sweet baby.

She'd let go of a failed relationship with her boyfriend. Her father refuses to help her financially.. why? Because he'd bought another woman an engagement ring and has determined he needed to make a trip to Oregon to see his parents and share his news. And, she feel s rejected by him because he'd shown up yesterday on our doorstep with a dime baggie full of little pieces of coal, from his visit to the state fair this week with his woman and her son. A bag of coal. A bag of coal? She felt as if he was telling her that's all she's worthy of from him.
And then this news today... tore my baby girl to pieces with fear and loss and dejection... rejection yet again. Her rage ad loss of control can get terrifying, my dears. But to her, this was the last rejection, prior to the feared termination of employment that will follow. Oh, God, I hope not. How I hope NOT. It took all the strength I could muster from within me... to encourage her sweetly, quietly that her medical bills WILL get paid.. and that we, her parents would assist her with the costs if we can. I hope his heart will be softened. I truly do. She needs a father to comfort her in this tragic time of life. This news, today and yesterday... it's enough to break me, too.

But I'm never allowed that luxury. I've never had someone to lift ME up and carry me the way I have to for my family. I guess I'm just supposed to be tough as steel and never crushed or hurt or allowed to fully heal. I still have not been allowed to heal and get over the devastation of the loss of my mother, grandfather and several other family members in the past.. less than two years. I weep, I scream in silence and feel I'll be torn apart by it.. and then.. I have no choice but to collect myself, stand up. Move forward, and numb myself to the heartache and absolute sorrow.. because to be held and supported isn't in the cards for me. Because I have no one in my life who can do that for me.. No.. No.. that is MY job, in theirs. There is no time for me to grieve. No chance for me to release this anguish and let it go. Not now. Not since I was very small... and not ever. That isn't a luxury I'm allowed in my life. I'm the strong one. The cold and unshakable one with no feelings. I move on, so I can do my best to carry the ones I love.

Please understand if.. when I give up on this place or FB... or in real time in person, too. This life of mine is unbearable.. and yet.. I'm not allowed to feel pain or let it show. I have to be strong for everyone else. There's no one to carry me... I will have to fight with every breath just to survive and struggle.. ALL my life.. what a poor existence to look forward to.

Tonight, after taking my kid to work I was so tired I'd forgotten the things I'd bought while there. They're in my trunk. I came upstairs opened the computer, chatted with 000max and someone else then next thing I know I hear the sound of a text alert from my phone and wake up with drool under my face and my toothache pounding. My guy was letting me know he'd had a bad evening so was going to bed. We wouldn't be talking today. I responded that I understand... I do.

By the way.. do NOT assume I'm feeling sorry for myself. I might sound like it. I'm just stating facts. I'm NOT afforded the support that others get in their lives.. I never have. Who knows.. maybe it's because I am capable of handling this fucking hell I live in, so God decided I don't need it. And so I muddle through. I'm just one of those women who's been cut ad broken and had to put herself back together again.. missing pieces or not.. I'm still a human being.

Don't get angry with me.. Don't presume I'm threatening to take my life.. You're wrong if you do. If I were to do that.. well.. I'd leave this world silently.. after fading from memory. Anyway.. no angry assumptions or displaced reactions please.. I get that too damned much already.

this one is a choker.. very cool




this one has a hand made leather necklace with heavy Bali Silver easy clasp I'm loving the look of this unique necklace
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last night I met with nicenaughty from here.. it was great getting to talk with and spend time with him.. had a fantastic Chinese dinner and he give fantastic massages... anyway.. I'm so glad I got to spend time with another sweetheart I've come to know from this place.

The masssage and leftovers from my meal made my day more tolerable today.. heck, I was relaxed and it was easier to be myself... but it wasn't just that.. I felt as if someone out there was lifting me up.. helping with my burdens of worry and pain, and sending absolute and pure love and positive my way

If you were doing that.. any of you.. oh, thank you.. you made my day brighter.

Tall and Lanky came by, after I'd texted to let him know I'd found more coupons for our fave iced coffee and offered them both to him.. he'd been on this side of the valley already, so it was easy to get here and.. as so often, he ended up being the trash man.. taking the garbage down to the bins. He seems to appreciate helping with domestic things... anyway, we all ended up going to the state fair together, ate funnel cakes went through exhibits and booths and looked at the animals, too. He paid for food and drinks for my kid and helped us finishing off the funnel cakes... it was sweet. I know how hard it must be for him to have his kids and ex gone for the first time.. missing family day at the fair... and, his birthday. Anyway, it was sweet of him and I think we all needed to get out.

Tonight my sweetheart had texted me while there, asking me to call when I could.. to his hospital phone. I'd called to say where we were and he told me to enjoy the time with my daughter.. I sure did. Anyway, it had changed our frustration to peace and positive in no time. I'm grateful to men who help defuse us.

I was able to talk a bit with nicenaughty today, and discussed projected timing and how we're looking forward to spending the evening together catching up, hugging sharing a meal and whatever we can to get to make memories of friendship. This was before I'd gotten home from work.

I got to spend time after getting home, from the fair, with the love of my life... soft spoken and much like me, seen as strong where we both see ourselves as having no other options. Every minute was a treasure.. hearing his gentle, loving and positive words as he'd shared how few radiation treatments he has left and that chemo is about to begin. People may see me as strong.. all I am is working with the trust respect and hope we've already built as part of the foundation of our friendship and love. Determined to dedicate my soul to sending all the positive thoughts/prayers I can muster, towards him I send it out every moment I can. How wonderful it is to here the voice of my beloved, and how sweet to hear tenderness in his tone...
what a lovely and perfect way to relax and soothe me to sleep. *nods, nods* and with that note, I say, adieu

In just a couple more days I'll be spending an evening with one of the sweet guys I've met here, nicenaughty. Bee a good friend through a few things... I've not seen him conversing in statuses, or anything, but he's a guy I've enjoyed for almost 3 years... My, time sure does pass quickly!!! H'ell be passing through o his way to another state, for business... long trip and a much anticipated meeting, too. Anyway, I'm eager to spend time with another one of the dear good men I've been pleased to know from this site.


Today I was busy distracting myself, with cooking up a few meals for the work week, and designing and creating more jewelry. I'd had chances to take breaks when I'd talked on the phone with people I care for... and had a surprise visit from a now ex neighbor from down below me. He'd been quiet, but cheerful and outgoing when I had chances to talk with him. While he and his friends were moving him out, I guess I'd impressed him and his childhood friend. Anyway, he'd offered his phone number to me, encouraging me to call when I could use someone to listen, or adivse me... he's a domestic violence social worker, but also has experience with autism, cancer patient counselling, ad other opics that we'd discovered we both have in common. He's a kind man, and he and his friends are all from my hometown, Eugene, Oregon, so it's cool to have gotten the rare pleasure of discovering more displaced Oregonians. I was pleased to have a few conversations with my sweetheart, his oldest sister and my buddy Tall and Lanky. He'd just finished officiating his second bicycle race, and seemed to be hoping for an invite to drop by. Nods, I gave it to him... He and I shared a supper of salmon and brown rice. Lanky also change a lightbulb for me, in the kitchen. It gave me a giggle to see that towering man just reach up a little and do that for me. I need a step ladder ad then some, to deal with that.

My guy was the last person I've spoken with, today... I'm so grateful he'd gone to the hospital again, due to sever dehydration and other issues. He has for most of his life been a very health conscious man, with a very healthy body builder's diet. But there are times when things get messed up ad confused. And I'm happy to say that the oncologists and cancer treatment techs are going to customize his chemotherapy to make sure he's ok, whether his weight drops, stays the same or increases. I'm still anxious due to how fast this cancer metastasizes, and how aggressive this soft, fluffy version is behaving. But I'm prayerful, and hopeful and glad to have this beautiful man in my life.

Can't wait to share some of my other creations here, and to post things that happen to me... sad thing is I'll have no control over my account here, once my premium runs out... 48 days.. or was it 38? Anyway, time to go get my kidlet. God, I love that lovely daughter of mine!

recalling his touch... I begin to replay it, in my mind... soft tentative kisses first... but I was already sure that I wanted him, and just being close to the man that I wanted was enough to make me wet... kissing him sweetly at first... feeling him teasing my lips with his full thick lips... Mmmm, I began to circle his tongue with mine, then sucked it into my mouth, sliding my tongue around hotly... I pressed myself against him as he pulled me closer and brought me down onto the bed with him... my hunger growing I licked his lips the sucked one into my mouth, gently... delightful shivers of heated desire went through me.. and I had to have more of him... He moaned and pulled me down lower, and into his embrace, more filled with heat... as he took the lead, kissing, sucking and nibbling my neck, mmm, the heat pooling between my legs was perfuming the room now, with my need... I needed him, wanted him utterly and I joyfully ran my hands over his chest, feeling his hard muscled chest ad belly respond with tremors as I lightly caressed over his shirt to the base, then moving up underneath.. ahh, such delight to feel the tight nappy frizz of hair in soft patches here and there, o hard muscle... Lust heaven... I groaned as he slid his hand around my back to roam over me, realizing that, just as I'd said I wasn't wearing a bra.. he pulled me harder against him instantly creating a thrill that made my nipples raise hard and full rubbing against him. He gently guided one of my hands to his groin, where I felt him hardening and swelling... Mmm, log full and pulsing under the pressure of my warm hand... I had to see what a treasure I would claim as mine tonight and hopefully another time, as the attraction between us and the sexual pull was strong... He'd slid my top up letting my breasts free to be explored and held, firm heavy full, one was now cupped in his hand, while the other hand explored other regions... a finger softly teasing the nipple he pulled back to see my eyes closed with pleasure at the feel of his strong hands claiming my body. Kissing me more hungrily making love to my mouth the way he'd described how he wanted and needed to make love to my heated dripping slit... over the phone he'd described lusty carnality ad tender love making... He would make love to me sweetly beautifully, and deeply... The kisses felt as if they teased at my pussy's lips ad sucked my lips into his and then I tried it onne him... his hunger surged and hand pressed mine again over his swollen member, still bound tightly within his loose jeans... I slide my hand in, to open the zippered entrance to what i ached to hold in my hand... Gods, above he was hard instantly in my hand, thick, throbbing and full, responding to my touch as we continued kissing now ravaging one another's mouths, necks and chests with our mouths... feasting on each other blissfully.

I felt him swelling even larger, longer, fuller amazing me, because I'd never been with someone so huge... As I held my breath and looked down, I wondered how that was supposed to fit inside of me... he smiled and huskily promised I'd love feeling full ad that, he'd be gentle, not to worry as he was sure I could take him easily.. sliding fingers into the waistband of my jeans, to prove the point, his fingers delved into my wetness, slipping in and pressing against my joy spot... Mm, arching I nearly came right then and there.. but that came later.. he'd helped me pull my clothes off the rest of the way, ad took his off to bare his glorious manhood ... sliding between my legs and positioing himself over me... he began minstrations that seemed to last forever... with tongue lips, teeth and eating my pussy, and then my ass, he'd penetrated my little dark hole with delight eagerly feasting on my wetness that had made his feast easier to have... feeling his face between my legs I didn't want it to end, and then he moved into place over me, kissing me deeply letting me taste my flavors as well... moaning softly I led his cock ito place ad felt him slowly inch himself in.. deeper, deeper adn then he hit my wall.... making love and fucking for forever, his endurance was amazing... my orgasms washed over ad over me as he pumped into me... His finally came and when it did... he closed his eyes ad pulled me into his arms lovingly... cum still spilling from me all night, I loved the feel of his body against mine... and his seed pooled inside of me being released was oly part of the perfection of the night...

My fingers glistening, my orgasm rocks me... pulsing and throbbing around fingers covered with my musky sweet and thick peachy cum... Licking it off I close my eyes and imagine him close to me, laying still, glistening with sweat ad a smile gently playing across his lips... how I used that memory over and over... hoping, wanting needing him... and wanting him still.

turquoise, black onyx and Bali silver.

Nods and spreading arms out wide..
I just want to say..

Thank you


today's been hard for me... but, I was able to be of help to my lover, and my daughter. I ate decently, and I bought more supplies for jewelry making. All I can do is make my photos work and hope and believe that my creations will sell. And I listened to good music.. which always helps...