for my musings

for me to bare my heartaches

for me to share intimately who I am, whom I love and cherish, and the absolute agony of spirit I'm going through as I fight to be strong, help in the lives of those I love... and I wonder if I'm even real any longer.

I'm falling apart.

coming undone
and terrified, even though I've KNOWN I could lose him, I'm still crushed that I'm here going through this for the sake of love...

I'm sorry, for taking your time away from the pornography you're here for.
...But I'm human...
at least, I used to be.

I'm not strong.
I'm held together with super glue and duct tape

I am flawed, bruised and damaged

and as helpless as anyone ca be who's praying and hoping beyond hope for the life ad comfort of the man I've allowed to have my love, my heart, my smile and to own a place in my eternal thoughts...

I'm sorry.

I'm not some fantasy or dirty tart...
but I am a sensual, sexual being

yet... my sexual needs
my desire to be held, loved, made love to and wanted still remain

But I'm feeling right now...
like that part of me needs to be buried.

upon reflection, I recognize that is why I'm packing on the weight... To HIDE again under a layer so thick that I will repulse, rather than attract... to hide from the lears and vulgar words...

to hide myself away again.. just as I did while married... because I just ca't take this.

I'm tired of losing the people I love. Another soul I will never hold again

I'm tired of losing
I'm tired of fighting the fight

I'm scared and crying

and thinking this place does't need me here

this IS a porn site

and I'm no longer feeling desirable

I no longer see any reason in my existence... except one

my daughter

no other reason, but her

I'm here.. he's there and he's waiting on a ambulance, to get him to the hospital where he receives his cancer treatments... I hate this.. I fucking HATE this distance between us.. my being so broke that I can't do a damned thing to help.. and that I can't touch and hold the man that I love...

Fuck...
one more person I love dying in the hospital before I can see him one last time...

Oh God, please God.

these are all turquoise on silver wire with either black onyx or red coral, or both. sterling ear wires or surgical steel if preferred. I've also gold gold plate for custom sets.

I've been working with turquoise, silver, black onyx and red coral,today... loving it. **nods, nods**

I made four pair of earrings... one is clips just in case people need those, instead of the sterling wires.

I'll be making many sets of earrings, necklaces and bracelets in an effort to make holiday sales of something lovely for the ladies and I'll be making hand made leather goods, as well. Gotta use my time when staying up to get the kid from work. Yup.. productive and crossing my fingers for sales... I'll be saving it up to pay off debts, and... most importantly, for a trip to Chicago... Will take a lot of sales to achieve that, as I'll need a motel and rental car, as well as airfare.

I left work early today. To be honest, I'd wanted to leave early on Thursday overwhelmed with stress frustration and my cold symptoms.. the only reason I hadn't was due to my daughter being in class, and having my car... all that after the accident she'd witnessed...
Last night I'd spent time with Tall and Lanky since it was kick off, the huge plates of nachos at the Royal were 1/2 off.. We shared a plate and just enjoyed being out. We'd picked up my kid with his car.. first time he'd ever driven BOTH of us somewhere. It was a weird thought to realize I've trusted him enough to treat my daughter with respect and decency... yet, he does just that. He's often mentioned how enviable my relationship with her is.. same regarding mine with my love. Nods.. perhaps they are both enviable to others... but to me I love these two souls more than I've loved any others. I'm grateful for their loyalty and love, and I'm someone who does what I can to show that appreciation in my daily interactions with them. Anyway, the two most important people in my life are both plagued with challenges at the moment. Today we had to address a possible denial of my daughter's worker's comp due to the inability of her case worker not being able to reach her. I took off from work to both destress and to assist her in this... plus, she asked if I'd please take her to her Dr appointment as a followup to the last two she's had due to her injury. Destressing is seldom achieved by me, in reality... but I try regardless. Yesterday I'd thought things to be challenging, thinking my baby girl avoided and accident by being slow and steady as a driver... add worry over cancer, and then another time watching other people getting recognition for their hire date anniversaries and mine yet again being dismissed... I'd melted and started crying right there. When I told my boss how close I was to completely losing it she'd acted stunned that I felt slighted, under valued, unappreciated and not at all wanted as an employee. I'd told her I'd believed it was a accomplishment to hit that second year ann.. but not any longer. My work there no longer has no meaning, and that I felt they've no appreciation for my loyalty to the company and the project, representing the health insurance company. It wasn't easy but I wanted someone to understand how close I am to walking away and praying for a temp job.. anything to fill in that space and replace that pay.

Today I take my kid to her urgent care Dr for another followup.

My guy's been dealing with continued metastasized cancer spreading in amazing speed. The curious thing is that this is a gentler form supposedly, yet it's doing all that it can to consume him. Anyway, they took care of three newly found tumors in his brain yesterday. He's had a long and powerful dose of radiation to them, in addition to the ones to hip and brainstem... I'm foreseeing regular CT and MRI scans every week at the rate things are going. He needs to consult a dietitian to help him prepare for the 16 weeks of chemotherapy he's scheduled to start soon. He sounds drained and can barely speak above a whisper. God knows I love and cherish that man. Oh how I want the best for him... and for my daughter.

when I was on break, earlier today, I'd gotten on FB due to an odd FB email re a status I'd been tagged in. Turns out that my kid was almost the victim of an accident.. instead there was just one besides the man who'd hit him.. a motorcycle driver with no helmet on. He was able to get up, carry a lucid conversation and complain and tease about the fact that his bike was under the offending car.. messed up and munched. My babygirl really was shook up. And astounded that a conversation had commenced between one of her aunts and a guy she knows.. about how intelligent she is... Nods, she's smart, true and a careful driver. She'd turned around, as a witness of the accident, to assist the officers and both parties with her testimony. I'm so very glad she's safe!

I discovered that it's easy to screw up texting.. I sent my text for my sweetheart to my baby sis on accident today.. ad didn't discover my error until about 11pm!!!

I resent it to my sweetheart.. and within a few minutes he'd called me. Mmm though it's hard to hear the painful grunts and moans with each breath he takes.. it was good to hear his voice.

going to bed early... though I didn't have mandatory over time today... I'm wiped out. Still got a sore throat, ear ache and bad tooth... and just plain lack of sleep is wearing me ragged.
But I made it home safely and will wake up in a couple hours to get my kid from work. Not a peep from Chicago. And too tired to worry much.

Bye all

it's as elusive for me as a yeti to a bigfoot fan.. I just can't seem to get more than a flutter of my eyelids before I find myself staring blankly at the light reflected off my wall.

It's been years.. over a decade since I've had a nice long solid night of of real rest. And I have no clue how much rest I truly obtain since I left my house and life in Tooele behind me.

I'm tired. Exhausted. I'm dealing with an extreme sleep deficit. I need my mind to shut it's mouth and give me peace. The peace of a well rested woman, with the energy to enjoy life. I long for sleep. Sleep filled with trust. The sleep of someone who knows her place in this world. Sleep of a calm and happy mind and a relaxed heart. **shaking head sadly**

Never mind.. I'll just get a few winks and before I know it, my alarm will give me a jolt of reality... night