long distance with huge spans of time in between, is far from easy.. and, let's face it, I've only been with my love once.. just once, but even though we were both miserable and worn, we both knew quickly what we wanted and believed was true... still
*sigh* there are times when temptation actually has a little pull to it, for me... my body was designed for pleasure.. both, to feel and to give it, so it's a trial for me to be without. There've been times when I wondered how I'd stayed so true to my now-ex... no clue, really, other than I was naive and purely innocent.

I want to play so much right now... smiles, thank God no locals want to do that with me, and dare to follow through. *shaking head* yes, I'm glad though a part of me is not.... only because it is hard to concentrate, hard to stay fuckus'd... errmmmm, I mean FOCUSED... oy

Today, I'm still incapable of much sleep.. but the tone for the day was set before my kid woke up and hobbled out of my room. I'm so glad she'd gotten some real rest. BUT... it didn't take long for her to get cranky and angry with me... Umm, just reaffirms the need to have NO dairy in her diet. NODS NODS NODS...

Today, we're going to have her get some needed shopping done. And to look for the school that she's signed up at, to get her phlebotomy certification through. I'm also planning on us watching the two Rebox movies I rented. DragonQuest.. I finally get to see it! And if you had any clue just how much of a dragon nutt I am, you'd be floored that it's on my to do list, and not the saw it a million times list. But when it came out, I was married to a controlling man who at that time HATED Dennis Quaid as an actor, and dragons Pthhhhh, they were for idiots to like... shook head and hid in the shadows much of my life with him. Anyway, today I'll be able to say I've seen it. And I also rented Jack the Giantslayer, you know, the one made by the co that did the snow white, red riding hood and Hansel and gretel cool dark ones... I was raised to believe in magic and fairy tales.. sunbeams and light as methods of travel for magical creatures and in miracles and someone who might rescue me one day from my nightmarish life. Not sure why I believed in all of that, when there was no proof of any of it. Except, even my witchy grandmothere seemed to believe in them, and since she was a weird scary and lovable witch, to me, I figured there must be some truth in fairy tales... I was acutely aware of the violent and twisted minds of the antagonists in the Grimm's fairy tales. I'd come to the conclusion as a child that those were all perhaps based on the crimes committed by twisted dangerous minded people... I knew that kind far too intimately so I thought then... I grew to know one far TOO intimately during my long, too long life with the man I now call ex.
Anyway, we'll be cleaning, being productive and enjoying movies on my big screen,piped through my stereo... Life of a spoiled woman? Maybe, but music and cinema were the things that gave me relief from fear and misery as child and adult. I see no point in not enjoying it.

my sweetheart woke me up earlier in the day... just after 8am. I'd had a long night, that took until after 2am for me to finally doze off. Not sure it'd helped to watch several episodes of the first season of ER. My daughter doesn't understand how comforting it is to see recognizable scenery from the Chicago area. Though it was never home to me at all... it is very nice to see some sights that remind me of that long yet not long enough trip to be with the man I love... It has the same pull of HOME, to me, simply because it's where so much of my heart IS. Anyway, while it was lovely to see the skyline and other places... just the idea of an ER got her rattled, knowing that it's both a place she desires to work in some day in her future, but that it's where my lover was just yesterday morning. God, I love them both so much.

This morning I loved hearing his voice, clearer and more mmm, like himself. He's got this sexy something in his voice, a texture like velvet or smooth like molten chocolate. Sexxzzzzyyyyy. Anyway, he was positive and talked about wanting to try skyping today, with his phone. I'd love to see how he's doing. He's had nebulizing treatments(for his lungs) and oxygen, so it's soothed his throat and lungs a great deal. I'd wondered why he hadn't been given a script for a nebulizer earlier, but I'm glad he's getting the treatments now. Clearly they're helping him feel more normal, and like himself.

My dear man informed me that his doctor's also wanting to get approval for adding the stint/pickline for his chest cavity as well... for when they do the chemo baths through a large tube. It's a large mass in there, my dears... the gastric(feeding and venting) tube, will be inserted today. And, I'm hoping and praying that the other will be added at the same time. They're in a hurry now, my loves... to try to remedy his bad situation more expeditiously. I am grateful for the efforts of three amazing women who've taken his life and health in their hands. His dentist, for all her generosity... his ENT for finding the cancer and being so very proactive and for effectively taking charge of making sure he's getting everything in place.. and for the second oncologist, for doing same. She took him and his health issues seriously. Without these three women and their help, he'd still be in the dark.. with absolutely NO chance for survival. There's still a great deal left, to be done. But there are people at HUMANA, as well as in his medical group that are really getting things in motion...
And then, there's his family... his mother, who's been hovering a bit too worriedly over him for his comfort, yet, as the man he is, he recognizes her need to do so wired into her... for his oldest sister, who's become a true friend and a sister of my own... for the one he lives with, and for the sister he calls a Nut, LOL... then we tease that I'm a nut too.. reminding him I'm salty, sweet and bent/twisted, like a cashew... and, I'm getting to know the others through conversations and eaves dropping while on the phone.

I've just gotten addresses, for his mother and my new big sister... and I'm looking forward to hearing from my love, and from her, later in the day.

How blessed I feel to have even just months being able to love this man of mine... and I'm still begging God to let him heal... let him grow old along side me... so that lovely dream of mine can come true... of the older versions of us, laughing talking and loving... Oh how I miss my baby... my gorgeous man... I crave the return of meat upon that tall frame of his. My local friends are right.. he IS tall... and good looking even with a permanently marred face. How I adore that face, and all of him. I love how perfectly we fit. Not just in personalities... as we truly do work fluidly together and have such unity in heart and mind. Mind you, we share differing opinions on plenty of subjects, but the respect and acceptance we have between us is fantastic... but it's also very impressive, body to body. I love how perfectly molded our hands feel when our fingers are entwined... and I love how the rest of his body feels pressed against mine... perfect. He loves my softness and smooth pale skin... And every time I'm dressed in white, he seems to melt, and says, "Dreamy I love you in white..." I'm glad he loves my body. It's his to explore and to hold close. And I love his rock hard body, dark velvety skin and gorgeous brown eyes... and, LOL.. I think you all know how much I love his hands... and that wonderful lean waist and broad shoulders/chest. Admitting my mind fills with glorious levels of lusty joy but also as an artist who loves anatomy... I've got the perfect model for the ideal man... smiles. God knows I've needed this man in my life. I pray that he's able to heal and be well... I want the best for him ultimately. But I just can't let go unless I have to for his own best, and mine. I've got the most wonderfully positive friends.. and the most impressive friendship to me is the one that grew into a love deeper than I've ever known... and a man who at times seems to be in awe of it as much as am I.

My daughter's just now seeming to come around to the importance of her decisions and her refusals to take care of herself and her room, things etc. That state of mind and refusal to show respect for MY thigns and the fact that MY name's on the lease and we could be evicted for the state of acckkkk garbage-heap-like disarray. Hmmm, she reminds me of my mother... she never seemed to care, nor, to grasp how crucial cleanliness was. I HATE my home and the state it's in. And for now, I've cut off Lanky's time here, until she's gotten her stuff cleared out of my living room and back into her own room... she also will be without certain privileges... no signing herself up for Cable until her room is back to livability and she's back in there with a bed of her own. No more sleeping in the living room and being lazy. No cable = no new season of Dr Who... ooooooo, the perfect motivation. Clean up and get to see WHO!!! *smirks* why didn't I think of THAT one, until JUST this moment???

Right now, she's in my room, sleeping on my too tall, too soft bed. Resting like a sleep deprived person. I'm in here, folding laundry and on NN... my other home.

Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that while I still break down in to tears at both his and her pain and how things are going... and the idea that that cancer's growing and spreading faster than anyone imagined... This day is brighter than yesterday, by a large margin.

THANK you for the power of positive. Please, keep it coming our way.. we all need it. Me, my sweet man, my daughter, his family and any who're affected by this painful time in our lives.

hugglesnugs from a snugglebug,
Dawn

Another one of the Marvelous Men of NN, that I can say I have the pleasure of calling my friend. I've met two of the men I've mentioned, in person, TJ and ponyman. Whokens and I have had the pleasure of using Gmail for the chance to talk and spend time together. Anyway... I can proudly say I adore some of the finest examples here of caring good and naughty men. Let's face it.. we're all here because we were curious and felt a pull towards porn for one reason or another.. and many stay either for the contributions of kinky stuff or friendship or because we love to share.. and maybe all of the above. Back to the man I'm paying tribute to... he's got a wham bang sense of humor... genuine compassion, patience and a kind strong heart. He's a guy who reaches out when he senses a need, and he's loved dearly those whom he gets close to... I am grateful to love him as a friend and will always recall my time spent in person with him as well spent. He's one cool guy, and I love to see his creativity in those kicking blog challenges the TWL puts on for us.
Ponyman.. let me give you a hug and a tickling whisper of a kiss on your neck. And hey.. gotta make sure to include blowing a raspberry while I'm there...
Hugs xxxx

He's been admitted. On a morphine drip and had a CT scan. More lesions were found... kidneys. This cancer is supposed to be simple not acting this way. It stays in the face and neck. Except when someone's already dying.. and old. Only then does it do anything even half as bad as it's doing to the man I love...

I am here, and he is there... and I know I'll never see him alive again. Oh how terrible the heartache feels right at this moment

a lovely version of a long beloved song...

Last night, it was impossible to rest well... a pain filled body and worry on my mind, over my love's declining health. They just filled me up.. but so did positive flowing and washing over me. I know I am loved. I know I have a huge network, and web of support there to uplift and bless me. And, I thank each and every one of you who send positive thoughts and prayers out my way and to fill the lives of those I love.

This morning, my sweetheart awakened me with a call after 10am my time. He informed me he was waiting to have admission approved for him, at the hospital. He NEEDS that gastric tube ASAP. They'd given him morphine and he informed me that he felt much better than he has in several weeks. God knows the strength of our love.. that intensely strong bond between us... and I know that love and positive can heal a souls and body... I also know that what will be, will be. Anyway, as we were speaking I heard a woman speak to him informing him of their preparations for his admittance, including a room. She apparently had gotten him a sandwich as well. Not long afterwards, his darling mother called me to let me know what was happening. And just a few minutes ago his sister texted me to let me know his status, the room number he'll be in and that he plans on calling me later, that now, he is resting. She also promised me that she was going there tomorrow to check in on her little brother. And as I'd asked her to... that she'd take care of herself.

His issues and levels of physical distress are dire, my friends. I love this man more than I've dared allow myself to ever love anyone... and I know why... Why I've shielded myself.. and why I let him climb that tower to get to me and set me free of my fears and walls. But, oh, my dears.. how great is my lake of tears... both of gratitude, love and joy; and of sorrow!

sharing two songs, yes, again... that tug at my heart, because they reflect conversations, thoughts and feelings shared between us.

Ooooh, how awesome is it, to hear "Love Yoooouuuuuuu" on the other end of the line from a yet-to-be-sister-in-law. Trust me, this is an unique situation here... I've never been so full on clobbered in loving by the family of my love. Then again... I did get accepted quickly by a few of the now ex family. I guess I'm easy to like. Thing is... I really DO love the ones I've been so blessed to hear over the phone, and talk with face to face. I've got to simply focus on my sweetheart and his family. Hope, love, faith and a future filled with loving embraces, Sweet potato pie and southern comfort foods and hospitality. Southern baptists... Hmmm, usually they don't exactly LIKE Mormons, let alone LOVE them. But then again, I respect every culture, religion, race and class.
There's something unique about each person in this world. Smiles... there's no way I could ever compare the men I've played with, to any of the others. We're all just so different, and I LOVE that. Anyway, I love that oldest sister of my guy. She's a fast and strong friend... and they're much alike. Intelligent, strong, confident and self aware. I'm in love with a whole family, not just that incredible man of mine. Mmmmm, well, I'm in love and lust with HIM... Mmmm mmmmm mmmm... but that's a whole other hotsah spicy steamy story than this one...

I take delight in hearing from and talking with his family. But the one that I treasure most of all... is him. His Mama is worthy of praise, raising 8 kids by herself. I admire her courage and strength.
And, I'm hoping beyond hope... that prayers will be answered, and healing will begin and finish... I'd been distancing myself and preparing to steel myself to any man who'd try to get into my panties after my experiences... until he stepped up to the plate and took my hand in his... oh, those hands... I know it might be strange.. but I adore those big, long fingered hands of his. *Smiles* My dad is a wood worker, and flooring guy.... his hands are huge thick fingered and stronger than I'd want to try and guess. And, I love hands... For, as a child I was sickly. Fevers due to infections would make my whole body scream in pain... and the gentle hands of a few would comfort me when in need. Hands, warm and soothing, stroking, caressing and healing my soul with their comfort. And his hands represent his desire to hold and heal and to love me...

Anyway... I'm building a pair of earrings for my oldest sister to be... and I'm loving that woman's attitude of love and positive. I've got plenty of love to give and hugs waiting to be given to as many as will accept them.

I'm sooooo glad his family doesn't open his mail. *sigh* One of his sisters is going out of her way to make sure that he gets my package. *blushing at the thought of them making a big deal over my gifts to the man I desire and adore. And... he'd better text me his mother's address soon. I'm already filling up another box with things for him to use, to watch and to enjoy.

I was able to get some fantastic cold weather things for me and my kid. It's tempting to get some for my guy, too. Gloves and hats with that wonderful heat reflective lining inside them. I'd need XL to XXL gloves for him, as he's got the most amazing huge and powerful hands that make my large ones seem delicate little things when clasped in his. I miss him so, my friends.

Hmm and a side tracked note... I'm not sure what's up.. but some woman has recently given MY phone number out and there are men calling and texting like crazy for her... which is getting me more than a bit irritated.. but mostly weirded out!!!

Yayeee false alarm.. he hadn't taken all his needed meds first thing in the morning. But the surgery for the insertion of the tube is going to be scheduled ASAP.

Now to go get some clip earring blanks and other jewelry making things at Michael's. My guy's oldest sister keeps asking me if I ever make clip earrings... every time I post photos of the earrings I make, on FB. I'm also looking for more turquoise pieces, since I adore that stone. Then next door I'm going to check out the beanies and winter hats at The Sports Chalet. Buy one get one deal today. I kinda dig the ladies hats and want something warmer for this winter. Got to get out and feel the world under my feet. All I'd end up doing if I stay home is lay arounf after a few minutes of cleaning.