I'm sitting on the edge of my bed.. praying, hoping and sending all the positive I've got within me out in to the ether, for my love. Oh, God how I hate these moments of anxiety. Of not knowing what is happening to and for him. Please, please keep him, us, in your positive thoughts and prayers... I'm hoping that his Primary care physician is taking all steps necessary to get him admitted into the hospital ASAP for emergency gastric tubing and intibation of needed. He had refused when they'd initially proposed a feeding tube. Especially when I'd told him it's a direct access right there, in his belly. I DIDN'T tell him all the things I know about tube feeding and gastric tubes in general, except I've been telling him of the relief my sweet kids got from their gas, and from being able to be fed without having to eat.

I'll have to call his mother or his sister, in the next hour. I NEED to know what's going on with the man that I love. I NEED to know. I need to.

I am so tired of my child being so attracted to negative. It's all she hears... and she tries to force it on me. I know the likelihood of my sweetheart dying within a month's time. I've experienced cancer as an observer before. And I've had chemo as a child. I know the risks he's taking, to reach his one goal and most important dream. But he's got a reason to fight for his life. And I'm not there to hear the actual advisement, prognoses, and chances. I'm reliant upon a man who knows what he's found and is willing to fight for the chance to have it. He brings me back to myself.. and provides that flame to light mine from.. so I light his.. and so on, and so on... and to me, THAT's the reason for living.. to light that flame.. to share my own.. and to love those whom I love as long as I can... so long as there is breath in this body, I want to share my love with those around me.

The only way positive can be attracted to a soul, is to create and use what embers or flickering sparks you've got inside yourself... and then to release your tight and desperate grip... for in releasing it on the breeze... only then can you feel the light and tingle the power of it awakened deep within YOU.

Loving isn't an easy thing when all you get is bitterness and anger. *shakes head*

I've loved Sam Cooke.. and I love just about every version of this song I've heard...

Today, as I headed to work in the dark.. I broke out in verses of this song...

As I was heading to work today, I'd dialed my love... with my headset plugged in so I was a safe driver... He had texted asking me to call soon as I could.. The timing of his topic of discussing was harsh to take.. so by the time I got to my floor I had tears welling in my eyes.

This long distance thing, mixed with being just above poverty level, in pain exhausted and worn thin... Add that news and I wasn't sure I wanted to go to work... to be honest I'd almost turned around and called in sick. Alex informed me that the lesion isn't just a lesion.. the tumor is on his brain stem. He's going to have 5 doses of radiation. Do you comprehend how much sense all his issues make sense now? His rapid decline in health is due to that latest find. Instead of radiation to his parotid(saliva)gland, he was put into the MRI unit for 2 1/2 hours. Then fitted for a mask for the new site. He was worn thin and downhearted today when he'd told me that brief bit this morning.. and I was near tears much of the time... though there were times it was as if he were there right beside me supporting me...

This afternoon we got a little time to talk. I'm so glad we did. We spoke more about that tumor, ad then he'd told me what was accomplished today.. more work to fit him for that treatment. He was advised that the radiation would be intense.. so only every other day.. for two weeks. The first dose wouldn't happen until Wedesday. alex told me after discussions of other things.. that I'd smiled at him today. He told me that while he was laying there, as they adjusted the mask, and then while he got the simulation of the new treatment he'd imagined me there as he knew I so long to be.. I was right there by his side smiling down on him with my huge elated smile at being with and supporting him on... He'd imagined I was holding his hand... fingers caressing his, and cheering him through the whole thing. My smile... it made it tolerable. Ahhh, me... He told me just as he has before.. that I AM there with him always... That he knows that is true... I AM there. And, oh.. how right he is. How very true that is. I am with him. I am his in a way I cannot explain fully. But I am there in heart, might, mind, and spirit.

Yesterday had been a better day for him... my darling man, oh how much I adore him. But he'd had to go to traffic court, no money, yet they demand payment. I'm not sure what to say.

His radiation therapy had gone quickly, his Medical caseworker's trying to get him help with a room local to the hospital and transportation to and from, as well. We'd skyped late last night, for the last time in who knows how long... Oh how I love to see his eyes... his face. I am going to MISS him so.

Today was his first radiation treatment on his face. And yesterday they'd made another "mask" for the new cancer in his neck. My poor darling man... I know it's getting him lower and lower learning how invasive, pervasive and determined this cancer is, at killing him.

I haven't heard from my Alex since early this morning when he'd asked me what he could use instead of his hydrocodone. I'm keeping him in my thoughts and prayers.

My tall and Lanky friend seems to be looking for distraction and something to keep him away from the house he's living in. I know I'd be uncomfortable living with that group. No need to go into it... Let's just say he followed the wrong head and made some poor choices. Anyway, life is life, and he's my friend... we went to the Royal last night. Not as I'd thought, to be there when the American Hitmen were there for karaoke night, but to submit and application, chat up our favorite bartender and share a meal with me. Today, he'd asked if we could have some of the salmon fillets that we'd bought when shopping. At his place it's a free-for-all... as in the others raid everything to eat, use and do whatever with. No respect. So, I got some of his out, and some of mine... Garlic chipotle, and sweet chiles, respectively. I loved his ones... the chipotle was outstanding... Nummm, and I'd baked some potatoes to go with them. We watched videos and just spent time together.... Oh, I I heard from sweet ThicknHard1forU.. I'd found his phone number and texted him the other day. It was wonderful hearing from that dear man. He's a man that I treasure.

Anyway, Lanky and I will be working on my apartment this weekend. He's been helpful before for me, and I help him when and how I can. I'm glad to have friends and to be loved at all. Today would have been harder to bear, due to some of the calls I had to deal with, my tooth and ear and throat hurting and not hearing from my sweetheart after work. But spending time with my daughter before and after her shift, time with a friend and hearing from one I haven't heard from in months was lovely.

I'm not sure how to deal with my mouth as the pain is becoming excruciating. Removal of the tooth will make me lose all feeling and most use of that side of my face... sound familiar, kinda? It'd damage the nerve that my love's cancer destroyed in his face. Anyway, it would also mean breaking the jawbone to remove it. I can't afford that kind of surgery, the cost is beyond me... but I also can't take this pain much longer, either.

Anyway

I've been telling my guy about a box that I'd planned to get to him at least a month now... it's still here, the contents constantly altered... Now, all taped up sealed and waiting to be hoisted into the arms of someone at the US post office. God, this thing is heavy... and it doesn't include a couple of things I'd intended to send to him. They're rather important, too. Oh well... I wrote and drew all over it with my Sharpie.

I'm feeling low... really low. Today he'd hung up in a huff of frustration. He doesn't get angry really, but this Box thing has pushed him too far to the limits lately.

I added an apology letter in it. Letting him know that I know "Sorry" can't make right the fact that I've offended and hurt him by not mailing this ASAP. I also informed him there will be no more of this... Talk and no follow through. And, No Boxes.

Nothing in that box can make up for the disappointment I heard today in his voice. The absolute frustration and yes, anger at the fact that I don't follow through. I'm so crushed.

This coming weekend I'd wanted more than anything to be there for him. But he'd talked me out of it. I can't go and be with him. I'll be alone while my daughter works. I'm not sure what I'll do. But it doesn't matter. I'll just make due. I'll clean, and I'll do something. Any action beside berating myself is bound to be better than what I'm doing to myself right now. Well... maybe.

Tonight I'm burning music for my daughter. Some girly up beat and empowering stuff. Some, of that "I'm woman hear me roar, or is it MrrraaaoooWww?" Anyway, I hope that she likes this gift of upliftment I'm preparing for her. I'm up far too late again, but that won't make any difference. I just don't sleep much these days, no matter what.

I am failing the ones who mean everything to me. I'm not sure how to make it up to them... I don't have a clue how to right things... it's as if I've forgotten how to put one foot in front of the other.

And I'm so tired. So very tired.

This is my place for release... I know.. what a weird thing to share HERE of all places.. But my lover will never come here to read or browse. So I feel safe.. knowing I can let the floodgates down.. and pour out the joys, the heartaches.. and Oh, my anguish.. that terrible burden that has gained weight and holds me down, far too much of late.

My wisdom tooth is still plaguing me... so much pain my lips go numb and swell up... but I have no choice but to keep on working and focusing on each passing hour of the days I go through... I have heroes and saviors in my life. Real live people who help me survive and push through this world. Some here, some so close that I wish I dared plead for a strong hug, to just hold me and let me cry out my pain. I do not have that luxury. So I try to just make it, without sharing the grief, fears and longing within me. I muddle through.

Today I was texted by my buddy, TJ, and then later, Lanky. He'd helped me with some things this weekend and was checking up on how I was doing. God knows I'm amazed that after our past, we could even have a friendship at all, let alone the very tight and loving one we've got. He says it's me... and points out that every other woman simply walks away... though a few have tried to explain his faults.. he seems quite incapable of seeing them, and that's OK... it is life. And it takes patience to find vestiges of good in some people. I was able to find enough, that he's seeming to now build upon them.. who knows, maybe one day this tall and gangling, charismatic, self-absorbed and obsessive man can learn to truly love himself and thus love someone else. Anyway, my phone doesn't always work in texting, Very agitating... I just hope dear TJ got my message. How I love that dear friend of mine.

I was exhausted and barely functioning all day at work... and felt fortunate to be able to drive home safely, let alone, at all... I went in, hugged my daughter saying how happy I am to have her in my life, we both shared how miserable we are, and then I went into auto-pilot walking to my room, kicked off my sneakers and passed out across my too tall too soft bed. I didn't care about food, I just NEEDED sleep. I woke up unsure why I was partly awake, and checked the time, only to find two texts there. One from my love. He'd said he was going to call his Dawn after eating. I realized food = fuel, so decided to drag myself off the bed and bumble my way down the hall, out into the lights in the living room and into the kitchen. I heated up leftovers for myself and my dear sweet daughter and we ate quietly. We talked and she'd shared some news from work, as I shared about Lanky, and MyAlex... She shared about her boyfriend's attempts to pay her attention, and of her father's continued failure as a Dad. Life in general. I flossed and cleaned my teeth, hoping to help that terrible pain go down, and next thing I knew my phone was singing Toto's Africa... ALEX!!!

He told me a long and event-filled tale. The activities of this day would have worn me thin after all of that. Oh, God, how I admire him. Such positive and cheerful focus after his hell. I MEAN IT. I refused to allow myself to cry the entire time we spoke. This is the man I've always wanted in my life. Ever part of his perfection, including the parts that are so terribly marred, damaged or destroyed.

I'm not sure I've got him in my life long at all. If he can't pack on FAT on that lean body he WILL NOT SURVIVE. It just isn't possible. Anyway... from traffic issues, to stalled quirky car, and to learning more about his cancer.. and where it's now spreading... I'm amazed, stunned and in awe. But also know that.. if I can't get a flight and relatively soon... I will not see my love again... *sigh* then again miracles Do happen. His left leg is useless now. He's borrowing a cane, but will need crutches and then.. who knows.. a wheelchair? He has a new mass. A lesion on his neck... it will give him seizures, cause him more loss of control of body parts, perhaps permanently. He comments.. this thing really IS trying to KILL me. It does seem very, very determined to do so... and quickly suck his life from him... Still... he is hopeful. He informed me he wants to get to 170lbs of hard muscle... then screw my brains out constantly... Informing me we've got a lot of catching up to do.. and, he made it clear how greatly passionately and powerfully he lusts for and wants me... He loves me, too... which is the greatest thing about US. I've been craved, I've been wanted... but loved... Yes, I'm loved, too... but this love. this experience, it soothes and completes me... heals and fills me up. Anyway, I told him that if that need and desire to be strong enough to wipe me out and turn me to jello after carnality and lusty sexuality is what he focuses on to make it through this.. he knows he can count on me making sure it's just as hot, dirty and naughty as he's envisioning it... it'll be loving too... that's just part of who we each, both are... Umm, though I'm going to have to make sure I'm ready for a well endowed man again. I am his. And I want him. I love this man. And knowing I must prepare to lose him... doesn't change the truth that I want to have him fight if it's right.

I'm scared, my friends... because all this time. Months back... I'd had one of my SadMares about losing HIM to cancer. I don't take those things lightly as they seem to be premonitions... I'd learned of infidelity with that kind of dream. I'd learned of some other things and they've always been accurate. I detest SadMares... thing is, with counsel and IF the other listens and heeds my words, things CAN be altered. By informing my husband of my dream I'd started his efforts to mask the affairs and ended at least one. But these are such haunting kinds of dreams that they break my heart. I'm in love, regardless. I'm loving him, even though I'd had the inkling and chose to keep walking down this path with and towards him. Thing is... I love a man who's shown me myself through his eyes, in clearly graphic verbal imagery. He shows me why and how and what he loves about me... and reminds me of it often. I've needed him in my life. So, whether I get to grow old with this beautiful man... or I love him as he's laid to rest... I WILL always love him.

I told my daughter of this man's words to share with her... of his plight and she in turn got teary and such a sad wistful look. She said Mom, you NEED to see him soon. She told me what he needs to survive... SHE was the advisor who'd informed me that IF he's to make it he's got to pack on as much FAT on his body as possible ASAP. Told me the foods to plump him up and begged me to get it through to him, because she wants him to live, since he's the one who makes me so happy. God, my daughter is my hero. I'm so proud to have such a loving, caring giving woman as my own child.

Anyway.. I'm not sure how I'm going to accomplish all of this... but I've got to hope and pray for miracles to happen. I've got to get the importance of her words through to him. And, I've got to find a way to afford the flight and a room and a car rental, too.

Love and light and positive is all I'm allowing myself to release to the universe... it is all that this sorrow is based on, after all. Because I know I may lose the man who unleashed my SELF as well as my love. And he's so magnificent a human being... I am sending every hope wish and dream of life strength, and healing up and out for him and in so doing, to others who're in need. For positive is positive... and goes as and where needed. Hope faith, prayer, love.. all good and pure and full of power.

Today my sweetheart called me several times. In the morning he'd told me he loves me, and I responded in kind... saying "oh, how I love you, too, my Alex..." He teased, "oh really? I'm not so sure." with a chuckle. Our conversations fluctuated, and he was distracted from me ,to deal with many things. He is preparing to fill out FMLA documentation, to contact his business partner, and see about collecting the thousands owed him from a large contracted job they'd done together... and he's realizing that everything will be a blurr in his life once the therapies are set in motion for him.

Tonight he was more sober, wanting to know side effects and how bad his health issues could continue to get. He had us both look at the worst case scenario. The cold hard fact is this... my man went from a muscular body builder around 195 to 200 pounds of solid man, to 155 to 160 when we'd met in May. Last week, with full clothes on he'd weighed in at 128. His every breath is a struggle, normal tasks wear him out. And talking as well as swallowing are extremely painful. He is dying before he's even started treatments. They're anxious now, more than ever, to get the chemotherapy underway... but they've got to first get the radiation therapy done, on hip, then face, then chemo to chest and face. I KNOW why that's become so crucial. And I know why they're ramping things up but by a month or two, this all may be too late. He knows. Apparently they'd advised him of that fact. I'm glad he's finally shared it with me. But as a medically trained insurance rep. and as someone who's watched friends and family pass away from complications OF the therapies, or, from the side effects of the cancer... I knew that it could kill him... the cancer... the therapy. I know the huge risks. I KNOW that I will most likely lose the man that I love... still, I'll hope and believe and send all my love and positive up through the ether and universe to shower down upon him in love and joy. I'm grateful that his mother will not only have room for him but be able to take care of him throug this time. The other day she'd told me that was what she felt he'd need and that she wished I was there, to help. But Alex and I discussed that tonight, and he reminded me that this is my place for now. That I'm needed more here, for my daughter and he doesn't want me to forever see him in this weakened state in my memories, if things go bad... He reminded me of his strength when I'd gone to see him, and even though we were both sick and miserable, we'd been able to enjoy one another, and love sleeping in the same bed. So for now, I'll do what I can from way, way over here... I HAVE to give him every chance of feeling my joy, love and hope. I want him to know in no uncertain terms that I love this gentle and tender man. It is the only thing I can do... I'm not there, to kiss his brow, wipe away his sweat and tears... or hold him in my arms and prove to him body to body that I love him... I love him.

Oh, I do so love him.

In October this year, I celebrate three years of having the honor of having found this place and having people here impact my life.

I'd be foolish to regret the choices I'd made afterwards.
I'm grateful for the affair I had with a sexy trucker man from southwest of me. Our friendship and updates on our kids was always how we started our brief times together.. and then the touching and kisses would begin the filling of a need for each of us. There are times when I wonder how things might have turned out if I'd agreed to have him relocate here to Utah, and be closer to me... I just want that tall, "average guy" to be happy in his life, and to know that our times of support, listening, and absolute carnal pleasure helped me learn that I AM sexy, desirable, appealing, and a woman worth wanting... meant a great deal and influenced me in some very good ways. *smiles* for one thing, I was blessed to have my first man besides the now ex.. to know how to pleasure a woman, and want me to feel it fully... and who enjoyed what I did for him. My ex had been my only from virgin bride to affair.. I'd needed to know I was a WOMAN... I'd needed to know what average was like.. and still think that "Average" is fantastic!!!

I've met several others since then. Some, just for sex, or play and release, some to see IF or COULD we? One to literally SLEEP touching and in arms of someone who wishes better things for the other. Some, for coffee, or a meal... some who ended up experiencing more... and one or two I know would be wonderful to BE with.. to love fully and completely...

I think back to who I was when I first came here... still abused and married to this man I still love, just not as a wife who could ever feel trust, or that he was really THERE for me.. and as he disrobes his soul to bare it to our child, he confirms the nightmares and Sadmares I'd had so many long years.

I am still evolving, still becoming.. and I have this one brightly shining star that fell into my heart in a slow process and has soothed me in ways I'd never thought possible, until I'd found this place, that is. Enough of you fine men here... some married happily,some not.. some so far away my mind swims at the thought of meeting one day.. and some who made it clear that if things changed they'd hope to be next in line to prove that I matter. That I am loved.

I am blessed beyond my dreams, my friends.. how to thank each one who matters to me? I have no clue. But there are people here, who are capable of loving, caring, giving and helping us heal. Oh how I value you... perhaps you may never know? or maybe I can tell you in person one day.. just how much your influence has touched and affected me. Whether a feathered or heated and sweetly passionate and loving kiss or touch.. or a simple smile or words of support. Smiles.. a very few I can say in all honesty I will always love and desire. I see nothing wrong in that fact. It is truth and I won't hide who I am nor how I feel. I also say this... I am blessed with an outsider who knows of this place and loves me as I am.. doesn't wish to change me or ever get in my way. He is my joy in life.. and I pray every day for him to remain in my life and future... he is that man I love so far away from me... he is one of the most amazing men I have ever met.. and he loves me in ways I am still learning of. How I wish my daughter would open that prison she's built to protect her heart and let this dear man into her heart and into her life. But even so...

I'm in a better place, though my life is still challenged and full of temptations and hells... I just simply am more able to handle it due to you.. and due to him and his gentle loving and lustful self. Yes, I am in love, and loved very strongly.. and I'm grateful for this lovely learning and becoming due to feeling the healing powers of positive in my life.