hope

Laughter

Living fully

Smiles and laugh lines

Joy
Pain
Caring

Fortitude

Honesty and trust

Pleasure

Sharing

Laughter

Peace
Calm

Excitement

Giving

Evolution as a person
Growth

Renewal

Faith

appreciation

Dreams come true

Today is another hard day for me. So tired of this chaos rage and the misunderstandings... Reaction is unhealthy.. but it seems to be the only way my child behaves these days. Rage, fury, justification, fear and inflicting negative upon me feeling justified for it. So much like what I had in our home, with her father. God, grant me the peace to deal with it. Let me feel some peace in some way, this day.

Last night's concert was spectacular! I'd been texting my sweet friend from security from work most of the day, trying to pin down a time to meet. Tall and Lanky called me that evening, checking how ( was feeling... worried over me, but also informing me he'd be leaving soon to go to the concert. Next thing I knew I had two men planning on hanging with me. A tall towering beanpole, and a shorter solid man who looked like he was acting body guard for me. Lanky teased a couple times about the fact that I had two men there, one on each side, and asked if I it was possible to not feel safe with them around. I definitely did, and felt cared for. They're both dears. Tall is gregarious and Security guy.. well, he looks like a bouncer the way he stands.. or a bodyguard. **nods like a bobblehead... YUP, one heck of a sweet, young and quiet BODYGUARD**

Anyway back the The American Hitmen... these guys were always showmen, but they've really got it down after America's Got Talent... Naw, they had it to begin with. Three of the four are giants, 6'3" and Dan being the tallest at 6'5"... and oh, how I enjoyed being enveloped in the arms of a well muscled kilt clad sweetheart in Dan!!! let's face it.. I wanted to teasingly grab that kilt just to... ermm, yeah... ok, so... he still teases that Tall and Lanky is one of the only men he really looks up to.

They performed their old songs, new ones and the covers they performed regularly as well as the ones they'd kicked out for the TV show. They wouldn't let us go, I swear they held half their audience captive as they continued to play song after song after song beyond quitting time. The show went over by an hour and they continued to hug and banter with people who knows how long afterwards. I'd led the guys down from the side of the stage(we watched them from right there, at Stage Left) by just around 1:30am. It had been so thrilling to feel the music rising up through my feet and to be there with two men I've come to adore from work. My poor sweet young guy was being plagued by texts from his baby-mama, trying to coerce him into time with her, angry that he'd planned the concert and followed through. I was glad to be able to get both these fellows away from the drama of their lives, just as much as they'd made it possible for me to do that. I NEEDED to get out and enjoy music and people I think are pretty cool.... and I'm proud of them both. Security guy for his desire to be a part of his soon-to-be-born child's life... and Lanky for getting his officiating license back as well as finally beginning to learn some rather crucial lessons on relationships. Before the concert, I'd gotten to spend time on the phone with my sweetheart. And oh, I'm so very glad for every moment I get to talk with him. Anyway, I had a better evening than day.

Today was lovely... awakened by my love.. after a solid heavy sleep. Smiles.. He informed me his belly was feeling about 80% better than it has.. he clearly was smiling from the sound of his voice, jovially teasing me all through our conversation.. which was interrupted by his sweet mom, informing me how thankful she is to have me in her life as well as her boy's.. how wonderful it is when he's got the love and support of a woman like me... (chuckling now) and how much she's looking forward to my being her daughter in law. When my guy got his phone back he asked if we women had set the date for the wedding yet. Anyway, I loved our conversation. And how upbeat he was!
Later I got to take my kid to breakfast(at noon) and then spent the rest of the afternoon/evening with Tall and Lanky. We did shopping and got drenched in the torrential rains that pummeled this area. And spent the rest of the time eating a home cooked meal talking watching a movie and cleaning up. He'd officiated his first race since re-licensing, this morning, and had decided to do whatever it took to stay awake so he could have a decent sleep.Smiles.. I guess that meant he'd chosen me to distract and keep him awake.

I'm grateful for the people who fill m life with support and love. And I'm happy to be part of theirs as well. Knowing we can grow together, learn together and help teach one another is lovely.. Supporting caring, sharing... Just like we do here, and in any part of life.. Being ourselves is crucial. And loving is large part of who I am. Loving others is an honor, to me... there are many in this big world whom I love admire, respect and love.

Today,

Sigh
I'm so spent... been driving and waiting going to and from doctor's offices and HR for my daughter as she's like me.. honest and the injury appointment became a Worker's Comp one... From one facility to another, to another we went... and back again. Anyway... I'd awakened around 2am for my first bout with my nose bleed. It'd escalated hugely by 6:30 and took until after 8am to finally slow. I passed out around 8:30 only to awaken to a phonecall informing me that the video part of my interviews had made them determined to give the job to someone else. In a silent muttered daze I simply thanked her for calling me and telling me in person. I didn't think to explain that I'd been ill and struggling to speak wasn't my normal issue, nor being befuddled and stumbling verbally.. I just don't really care right now. I'm resigning myself to the fact that I'm stuck in a job that pays too little and the whole place is now a prison to me. I just don't have the energy to hurt or bother. I can barely move without my pulse pounding in my swollen face. And I've got too much to worry over, try to straighten out and try to change here in my home. I hate coming home to the situation in which I live. I'm agitated that my daughter has no respect or regard for rules of conduct, hygiene and decency... and I'm tired of the rage and loss of control she has too nearly constantly. She is deluded by her mental illness... So I giver her far too many concessions and not enough demand as far as follow through.

I am tired. I am lonely. I feel empty and cheated. And I'm concerned over so many things I won't bother to begin. You already know and so do I. Now, for a nap and then to see if I'm even marginally up to going to a rock concert at all.

This song's message is significant to me.. the vid's merely eyecandy

hand to my head, a tear sliding down my cheek... and another out of control bloody nose... I'm tired of this.

*sigh* not sure what to do when I wake up face in a puddle of blood and it won't stop happening. I'm taking my iron. I'm taking plenty of it... I'm not sleeping well enough. I'm distressed and overreacting to the stress and worry due to my kid's health issues and an asshole of a selfish ex husband who's in lust again and spending all his time and money on his girlfriend and her son... abandoning his daughter and promises he'd made to her. Blood splashing down my front. Oy... and I'm planning to take her to the Urgent care center down the road. NO, I'm not going to ask for help for myself too... I know I'm screwed. I know my body is merely responding to the level of distress I'm in. There is nothing I can do to change things for now. All I can do is hold my nostril shut and pray that it'll stop again.

Mmmm always loved this song... but add the video and it fills me up... how I miss water, boating, etc. LOVE these guys and their harmonizing... *sigh*

something to energize my morning... Need this and other songs from the past... Songs like his, and plenty others from the 70's and 80's always got my body into a groove, dancing, moving, smiling... Picture Foofy frizzed out dark auburn hair, my glow in the dark pale skin... out of style, reject clothes from Salvation Army... and that's the shy little teen-aged girl I was; pretending she's something special as she sings and dances in her room... ME, waaaayyy back when.

Today was another long day at work... another one built upon a lack of sleep and hydration... and it was another day I survived. M young friend in security was making his earl rounds and seemed both surprised and pleased to see me. I said, "Hey, what about a hug, hun??? I sure could use one." Then I got up and dove into his arms. Sweet guy. I adore that boy.. and, yes, he's a "boy" of 26. A daddy to be and oh so dear to me. Anyway.. I posed the thought and offer of meeting him at The Royal Friday night for the American Hitmen concert. I'll never again be invited by Tall and Lank to a concert.. and I refuse to go to them alone... Anyway.. I'll be going to see those towering men perform just down the road a ways from me. I'm looking forward to it!

Bad news and good news today, my friends. Bad news is my daughter's knee will most likely require surgery. Sounds like it may be an ACL tear or ten... anyway, between her father and Tall and Lanky both seemed to think this is her issue... her father had come over while out with the latest "family" date with his new girlfriend and her son, with his insurance card so he won't need to be there with his own child when she's told what needs to be done.. he's made it clear he flat out refuses to do one damned thing to support or help her financially, FUCK HIM!!!

I'll be taking tomorrow off, which means I'll lose out on all the built up extra hours as overtime this week.. They'll just make up for an 8 hour day off. *sigh* I'd really been looking forward to and NEEDING those 10 hours of overtime. Tomorrow was going to all be 100% overtime for me. Oh well. I'm taking my kid to an Urgent care facility to have her leg checked out. We're sure they'll give us a referral to an orthopedic surgeon in the area, and from there we can figure things out.

Now, more good news.. from my love. He'd called me on my way home from shopping. I'd bought a big(too big) shipping box and a few more things to add to my collection of things for my care package for him. Baby food, a case of Campbell's Chicken Noodle soup, soy protein shake mix and week's worth of Lansoprazole. I've already got a hot/cold therapy brace for his damaged rotater cuff, a ziploc bag with ahem, used panties, a CD I burned for him as well as a few other little things. Alex told me how his radiation simulation went.. he did well. His oncologist informed him that his painful throat while swallowing, talking and breathing is due to continued nerve damage by the cancer in his neck.. His radiation therapies are scheduled to start next week. First the hip on Wednesday.. then the face on Thursday. They'll both be treated every day for 6 weeks straight. The face most aggressively as it's creating the most damage to this dear man. I was to call him back as soon as I could after spending much needed time with my daughter.. but then Tall and Lanky dropped by and life was distracted. It was nice to see my friend and have him help around my place briefly, as well as worry over my sweet kid. He cares. After he'd left and supper was done my kiddo insisted I needed to call my boyfriend then we could have our ER marathon continue. His mother answered her phone and chattered a mile a minute. How I love that lovely lady. I'm so pleased to get to know her better and to hear the love and concern in her voice as she talks about the son I love, and how he'll be there during his times of needed doctor visits, radiation and chemo. She told me how proud she was that he'd eaten two of her famous baked fish fillets(he praises them a lot)... then we got talking family and how eager we are for us to meet and live close.. then she slowed to a hush and told me how she loves me, and that she loves my daughter too, already, and how glad we're going to be family.. and.. wishing I were there so I could share the load in person.. help out with all of this..
and mmm how I wish that, too... Nods But my baby girl needs me. And my life here is not ready for such a huge move yet. I keep wishing my kid would move there with me. Leaving her would be the hardest thing for me to do.

Anyway... good and bad.. bad and good. And all woven through this update... are hints of love. Love shown by friends and family... love of and for those ones I love the most in this world... and loving positive to fill and nourish the soul.

starting work earlier so I can leave early the next few days, for my daughter. 10 hour days are very hard when breaks are still the same times as usual... I'm afraid I'll have to take a day off to take my car to the mechanic if he can do it Friday or Monday next week... a young guy from work told me the name of another call center that's hiring.. I'm glad he cares. I'll be sure to send my app and resume asap. There are times when I truly love the job.. just not enough to deal with the ups and downs and game the bigwigs play. Time to go to bed so I can be up by 4am.

night all