this afternon went better than feared. still got a lot to work for and through. For one thing my man is sure we need to focus on my daughter's mental/emotional health, wishing he were here, to support both of us, and guide us through this. He wants me to take a more controlling stance, micro managing her medications and routines, to make sure things like this will never happen again. He explained that his first and foremost concern is over the volatile and violent reactions she has to conversation. Especially since she's got a history of getting away with throwing me when she was a teenager. Nods, he's got a valid point.

Anyway, she'd started out raging yet again, but upon being warned that this kind of habit will get her kicked out ASAP, she'd calmed, demanding my ear, to listen. I did, and she slowly unwound to be more reasonable later, after a lunch of french toast and chicken sausages(yes really). She's determined regardless of how things unfold, to be independent within 4-6 month's time. I'm grateful for her love and for her ability to calm down and comprehend how crucial it is for her to be well and to be safe, and to not be a danger to me, as well as to herself. I love that sweet good woman locked inside that pain wracked body. I admire her dedication, strength and devotion. But I also know she's got a long way to go before she's ready and able to love herself as she is.

I drove her to work again tonight... my adorable little shop girl. She's told me of how some people will wait to get her attention, her cheery attitude and personality. She is much like me when giving herself to others. She genuinely believes all people deserve to be treated decently, kindly, with respect and patience... ahhh, well, she would know, yes? She knows how that affects her, and how it'd gotten her respect and adoration in school. Before she'd left the car, my sweet kid asked me to pray for her... that she'd get good and kindly customers through her line... that she could bear the pain of standing, lifting and walking in the building. She's in a world of pain. Why? Fibro is a disease that is enhanced.. given MORE control and power by negatives. So, her fear of life without me here to shelter her... of my love dying and of getting attached to and loving him then losing him are horribly destructive for her. She's scared of loving and losing. Death has taken two of her five grandmothers, and one of those was the one who'd helped to raise her. It impacted her life, that loss did, greatly. Anyway, she's scared of so many things...

I'm holding my daughter in my thoughts and prayers, and my sweet, sweet man as well... I love them both.. the two people I love more than anything or anyone else. I am needed in both of their lives. And they both know it. They both are willing to sacrifice their comfort zones to give me what I want and need. And I'm hoping that my daughter will be OK, and her heart softened enough to give a vacation to Chicago a try... and that she will discover a new hope and reality.. a future that will include out tight bond and love, as well as acceptance and love for the man who loves me more than anyone(well, other than hi mother). And if she can learn how much this man cares for her... and loves her already, it'd make her life that much better.

Tonight I'm doing some chores for my kiddo, to help her be able to go right to bed when she gets home. And I'm focusing on things I've GOT to do, for my future... I'm hoping that I'll be able to get a job that will afford me easier progress towards my goals. And I'm hoping even more, that I can find one in the Chicago area, too... in the near future.

Hoping for a better day... need to sleep a lot today, to make up for my lack the past few days... between extremely late nights and early calls from my honey.. an angry pain-filled daughter who's mind is lost in her genetic ailment... and then my own simple frustrations and worries of the days, which you don't need to hear. Let's just say I'm not doing so well... in any area of my life except for one. Feeling loved.

brain won't shut up and let me rest... Oh well. I just took some NSAID's, so I should be able to tolerate my physical pain a bit better, and take a nap. My guy had just called a moment ago.. saying he needs to sleep.. we'll both be resting at the same time. Too bad it's not together, in the same location, bodies touching and feeling secure in knowing the other's ok and in each others reach, for a hug, a kiss, and the tangible display of support, love and admiration.

I feel so alone... I'd rather BE alone than feel the jarring agony of helplessness, in effecting a change in my daughter's life.. and oh, that rage and violence,, it's just too much like her father. I cannot live like this. II refuse to accept or allow it. Too dangerous to her self, her soul... too dangerous to the home and to anyone else. I need support in getting through to my daughter. I need the negative nightmare gone. And most of all She needs it. She needs the medication that was helping her avoid this... controlling her imbalances and helping her be less like her father and more like herself

I'm going to nap now. Who knows how long? But it's time to rest and heal and slough off the trauma this hit me with, and the recollection of 25 years of this leads me to determine that I can't have her live with me much longer if she's so unwilling to get help and medications again.

I'm wanting someone so much it hurts to not be beside him... and I know he longs for me even more. He expresses it often... reminding me that he's wanted it for decades. The simple things that a couple can share.. sleeping snuggled close, sharing a bathroom and sharing our worlds... trusting, loving and working with and for one another as if we're two parts of one. He reminds me that he's never lived with a woman long term.. that no other woman has been perfect for him. He talks about how much he's wanted to lie down beside a woman and know she will be there with him, night after night, day after day... and stay. How he'd never felt the way he does with and for me. Always knew he'd need someone who could help and take care of him, and in the same way, need him to take care of her, too. Giving and loving, helping and supporting are all things that fill the lives of partners... in life, love, or business, it takes mutual effort, mutual purpose and mutual respect. We have all of that. Now we need to focus on his healing, my settling things here... and finding a mutual place to call home for two people who want the future to be ours in one place and together.

Tonight my dear one and I dozed again on the phone. Two sleepy lovers wanting to be in bed relaxed and close to one another. We need it soon. God, I hope and pray he can make it through chemo and radiation treatments, ok. I want to lead a life with this man b my side.

Later tonight, I picked up my daughter.. ok, it was 1am., not night, but morning... She walked in and in no time raged and shouted accused and threatened.. chased after me in anger when I told her I was going to leave her alone as requested. She yelled and challenged too much like her father. Same tone, same rage, same out-of-control way to force a view and demand. I walked away. I'm done with rage and done with abuse and done with hostility. I'm in chaos and nightmares right now. I hate this existence. But I'm going to make changes.. HUGE ones. She'd threatened to leave ad that I'd never hear from her again, once she gets her phlebotomy training and a job. I'm done trying to encourage a raging person to stay with me. I had to make her father go.. I may have to do the same to her too. Let go, sever the tie and say I did all I could to love my child. How sad mental illness is. How destructive ad ugly it can be. My grandmother and mother, my ex and my child. Too much pain. Too much rage. Too much aggression and too much force. I don't need it in my life. I don't want it. I CAN'T have it in my life as it makes my spirit ill.. my soul dies a little and I refuse to allow that any longer.

I'm stuck... in a hellish situation.. but my daughter is in hell 24/7. She is the one I weep for, not my lover. He has cancer.. but she is trapped in a mind filled with paranoia and fear... rage and violent thoughts... That is the worst of the maladies.. Yes, the man I plan to marry if we're so lucky, and take his name as mine may die any day now... but my sweet daughter wants to die. Has been fixated on suiciding since she was little.. an abnormal obsession for a young child, now something she wants, as a young adult/ A negative view so strong that it twists you up inside is a scary thing to deal with.

My daughter and I went to The Royal for an early dinner... well before her shift started at 5pm. We split one of THEIR versions of a Baconator... Damn, that thing is incredible, Stacked high with bacon, cheese and deep fried onion slivers... impressive!!!

While we were talking with the bartender and munching on the burger and scrumptious sweet potato fries... we enjoyed the wall of TV's with videos from the 80's through now. When this video came on, we both stopped to watch.

So, I'm sharing it here, now. *urp, 'scuse me, that food filled me up and then some!

Enjoy this group... the lead singer's voice reminds me a bit of Jared Leto, actor, hella sexy guy and lead singer of 30 Seconds to Mars. Anyway, I'm wishing I had a really god stereo system again, to listen to this and the rest of the songs I'm collecting.

another song I adore... last night, I'd shared it with a man I've known since he was a little boy... who told me I'm like that... on fire. It was sweet of him to say...

enjoying this song tonight.. love the disco feel
and love the message

today, my sweetheart was more animated in his call than he's been in a long while. But I know there were several things making him this way. One, he was approved to have a very peculiar procedure to study his swallowing, and why he's struggling. I suggested that the cancer had gone through the nerve controlling that section of muscle tissue as well. He'll have a panel of specialists there. And, the woman he'd been searching for when he'd found me... the one that photos of me when young remind him of... had been able to escape her husband long enough to have a decent conversation with him. She had been his closest friend and a lover as well, years ago. Anyway, she'd texted afterwards, saying she'd cried later, over how bad his health has become. He rasps and wheezes so I know how she felt. I cry too... knowing how he continues to decline. Anyway... he was more himself than he's been... In a later conversation he asked if I shed tears. I said yes, I cry. He responded you know what I mean... I told him the truth. He asked me not to.. told me I couldn't do that. I promised I won't.. reminding him I'm cheering him on... and that I'm going to be flying in next month, to spend as much time as he can stand with me in four or five days. He needs my strength and positive. He wants my faith and hope. And he wants our future together. Growing old together is still our goal, hope and dream.

I wonder if he knows how wonderfully positive and darling he is. How deeply he affects me and builds my soul. I don't hide how important he is to me. I will never hide my love from him, and how very much I want him.

Today he told me he loves our loving relationship. Talked about how strong and close our bond is even so many miles apart. He asked a question.. Do you think many couples who live together have this kind of love and affection for their mates? Then answered himself, saying he didn't think it was possible. Too many can't stand having their spouse in the same room, and can't wait to get them out of the house. Seems likely... and far too sad. But I will say this.. I believe that our deep and abiding devotion and love is the richest most beautiful love I've ever experienced.

thanks, whisper...
I needed this... YOUR blog and the sweet positive of friend here, after feeling like I'm at the bottom of a garbage pile and it's all dumping on me, and I can't be heard above the sounds of the trucks that are endlessly dumping their filthy loads out onto me. .I'd been OK, holdng back my sorrow at hearing my love struggling for breath, and gagging back up food that he needs to nurish him and he just can't get it to go DOWN...

I'd gone down to get my mail. Handed an envelope off to my daughter and opened one from the hospital, thinking.. MAYBE can finally get something paid towards what I owe... out come information notifying me that the ONE company I'd had when I thought I had two had retracted their adjustment on my bill making ME financially responsible for over $400, instead of just $98. I can't take this kind of nightmare topping off all the rest. God. Why do so much to destroy me?
Resigning myself to a hell hole. If I were a drinker I'd say FUCK it, forget it, I'm drinking until I can't see or feel or care or breath. Why care? Why hope? Why fight? Why wish? Why dream? I'm losing faith. I'm giving up. There's nothing like being kicked in the face when you're already bruised and broken.

ups and downs...
feeling trapped
my heart's being torn out
and I can hear it pounding every day.
I'm trembling and losing it at work...
I've got to get myself under control.
I need to relax.
Fuck.
I need a hug.
feeling like someone up there has too much confidence in me...
or most likely... HATES me.
when do I deserve some peace?
PLEASE change your mind, please???
let him live.
Let us die of old age...
naked, snuggling in bed,
after fucking one another senseless.

for those like me who're barely making it...
head down, eyes to the ground to avoid eye contact or looks from those who know your face.. feet shuffling and nearly tripping
you know they'll see the look of defeat, pain, lose or the struggle to hold back the tears or screams of anguish... far too well...

...this time, and this time only(*this is also for those who're doing fine, too*)
go ahead.. do me the favor of looking down at the bottom of this update.. to the blacktop, the asphalt and take a deep breath,, then let it out...

And, look down...

Do me a favor

See what I believe in you.




Say it out loud, and maybe if you hear it enough... you'll believe it too.

go ahead see it and read it, say it and feel it. You deserve to know that I believe in your potential.

SOMEONE believes in you.