busy trying to face my nightmares and battle the demons that come with them. Cancer for the love of my life... still no better paying job, but plenty of determination and hope. A daughter who's ups are almost happy times and her downs are horrible to take... family that is expanding as I'm being already considered mate and heartbeat to my sweetheart... smiles and sister and daughter-in-law. Wow, *pinches arm* and I'm alive kicking and at times bawling... enough of that...

The news I want to share with you
more than ANYTHING today...
is THIS:
not only do I love my friends here... but, even though, in a couple months I'll lose premium and have removed more of my pix...
Unlike far too many of us.. I intend to STAY

I've got the amazing support and encouragement from some of the finest people in the world...

Yes, really...

OK, of amateur porn...

and YES, SERIOUSLY I MEANT what I said. I've met some of the dearest and most loving, giving and genuine people HERE on THIS site. Some women and men whom I have the privilege to call FRIEND, and MEAN it, from the top to the bottom of my heart and soul. LOVE, hugszzzz, kisses, arms and legs wrapped around some of you(you know who you are)...
But most of all.. Snugglehugs and Hugglesnugs

too much caffeine and sugar equals twitchy hyper meee.. and no kid to pay attention to.. she's mostly got night shifts so we can share my car.

Just wanted to say I had the most upbeat conversation with my guy this evening. And.. hmm, I got called daughter-in-law, before my time. *warm fuzzies* and blushing like a confused idiot. All I can do is hope and pray. But mm hmm, well, my mother-in-law(to-be) told me I do way more than that. She said I do more than I know for her baby boy, talking with him as much as I do. He's still at her house, and I know that means a lot to her. He's precious to me, too. So, I'm glad his Momma can watch over him until I can be there for him or have him come here. He seemed far more hopeful today. But then he'd loved being back to work and feeling useful. And his two favorite ladies love one another already, and talk(behind his back)when he's gone to work. I'd felt compelled to call her because I knew how it'd upset her when he'd told her he was going to try working today.

A positive evening might help my mood tomorrow, when I work that long, long shift. Time to pop a couple of pills and turn off the lights.

Sweet dreams my friends... and have fun tomorrow

don't expect any updates tomorrow from me... I'll miss the blog contest, so sorry for not getting to perv you all.. I'll be perving you for a little bit tonight. Anyway, I'll be unavailable.

Tonight, I'm going to bed early, and tomorrow will be a very, very long day... I've got a 12 hour shift, since I'd volunteered for the overtime. I NEED it at this time in life. And my guy will miss his Dreamy talking him to sleep. Our conversations always turn to sensual and sexual avenues... they HAVE to as we want one another as greatly as we do. So.. I'm more randy of late, due to his sudden interest in cam sex. It's actually worked out nicely when and if he's up to it... thugh honestly seeing those big powerful hands wrapped around what I teasingly named "Nothing," doesn't do his bod justice, his large hands make the sight quite inaccurate. Anyway, I'm horny, OK?

Soooooo, here's a little note to say to those I'm perving, those I'll perv after the Blog challenge is over.. and here's to God, Damn, I want him... umm, yeah, my man...




BTW, I'd thought of participating in the blog challenge, but all I could cum up with was my standard titles. Creamy Dreamy... appropriate for those who'd recall my old photos on here, or who've been with me. I'm creamy, and get that way still far too easily. *sigh* My huge glass dildo will accompany me to bed tonight. Dominatrix D is on fire tonight! Anyone for a nibble on their Adam's apple or jugular? I'm feeling hungry.. ahh, well... not tonight, I guess.

Night all.

I'm counting on that...

I'm needing to believe in it... because Alex and I have felt that we were destined to find each other. There were so many times that had we stayed focused, instead of changing directions... of all things, our paths were leading us towards one another... then, we veered, invariably, several times in our lives. No regrets for falling in love with him. Np regrets for having him find me on an international penpal site. No looking back at the choices we made on our weekend together. We both were sure we'd have a very long lifetime together. So we were in no hurry to explore. Rather, we simply took our much needed rest, since we were both sick and in discomfort. And we enjoyed the simple touch and scent of one another laying close in bed. We ate great foods, and we created some memories. A couple of days ago, after finding out how dangerous and terminal his prognosis was... he texted me photos he'd taken of me while I was there. And, the one of us on Navy Pier. Now I've got it on my cell phone. It's my contact photo for my darling man now.
This time in his life, the painful future he's facing and the limits that will be imposed, simply because of the aggressive nature of his cancer. But I'm determined to face him bearing a smile honest, pure, real, and full of love, desire gratitude, and absolute pride and joy for his place in my heart and life.

I mean it, now... (hands on hips with an air of authority and a glint in my eye) Now shoo, and go play with your toys, or your playmate... *sigh* I'm in trouble here, aren't I? Go perv, you naughty Nudie!!!

*hugs* More later, I'm sure...

tiny achievements count in a huge way for me, these days. I got the three light bulbs that I've been worrying over, changed out, in my car... all by my own, little now grease covered hands. Reverse lights, CHECK!

Dome light... wow, mess in there! Check!!! Wooo hooo. Now I need to find my sets of fuses and change out the blown one for the dashboard lights....

A couple little sighs of relief.

I still need to get a quote on the replacement strut mount, and to find out the cost of the well... the car puffing white stuff out the exhaust pipe. I'm hoping and praying they'll be minimal, but I'm not going to jinx myself.

I'm not sure why my guy called me back after saying good night, while I was struggling with the liner in the trunk and pulling things apart... but he'd called, to say thank you, and that he loves me and what I do for him. I'm just me... and I love this man who has nothing but himself to offer to me now. He had more, but it's being eaten by the cancer riddling his dear body. I love him and it kills me to recognize a real fear that I'll miss him, too. I just found him after so many mistakes... a friend who was nothing but platonic, a joy to talk about all or nothing with, who'd listened to my trials, and thought I was an odd, but wonderfully sweet and gentle funny white girl, too far away to change his world. God, I did, though anyway...

All I do is love him, chatter about my day, and talk with him of plans for our future. I hope and pray that if I find a good job here, that he's capable of travel safely, to come live the rest of his days with me, my daughter and our tiny friends, the birds.

I'm so scared of losing him, and yet, I know I will and already am. That cancer will claim him as hers, no matter how much I try to tell her that he's all mine. She's got her grips on him, has claimed her dues and will collect.

Little things make a difference. The tiny trivial things can make a day brighter, or uglier. It is up to us to try to remember that a smile, a hug, a hand shake... simple recognition can change a life. And so does love.

she's such a wonderful person. As she's growing up so quickly now, I'm blessed to discover one of the strongest generous women in my own sweet child. How lucky am I?

Yesterday as she was driving my car out of the parking lot, Tall and Lanky and I were driving IN. And, I noticed my car blowing white stuff out the exhaust. I don't recall what that means, except I suspect it can't pass emissions for next year *sigh.* All I know is, it's got to be kept running in order to keep us going to work and running errands.
My daughter was crying when she made me listen to her today. She's someone I'm listening to more and more... and the lessons I'm learning is that she loves me more than any other human in her life. And how sad her image is for her future. Anyway, shes informed me of her plans... her paychecks, less her needs, are mine to help with the car... and towards a much needed trip to Chicago. She amazes me. Her love is huge and perfect. The more I get to know who she is, the more I admire her and recall long ago saying she's my hero... She still is.

This isn't fair... God, I can't stop crying... I'm needed here by my daughter... but the man I love.. in all honesty.. he's dying. And asking for any and all options to prolong his life ar all. Drastic and painful measures just to spend the rest of his short life with me. I've GOT to make it happen. I need it as much as does he. Oh, how I NEED to find a way. Anyone know someone who needs an apartment manager storage manager job that includes an apartment? Or someone who's willing to pay me a wage and with an apartment in exchange for cleaning, or something out in the Chicago area?

Yes, I know, this isn't the best place to ask or look. I'm sorry.

Time to sleep.. maybe, it's over 90 in my bedroom at 2:30 in the morning. My whole face is swollen from crying. When I'd told my daughter what's wrong with him she rattled off what's going to happen, based on her studies and what's already happening to his body. Oh Fuck.... I'm going to cry myself to sleep, and just don't care about the headache that's pounding out a dismal drone... I'm wondering how I can get myself there, and protect my daughter. How I can afford to get myself over there, and yet, make sure to come home at least once in a while. Nightmares come true.... but what about the beautiful dream?

he's got stage 4 cancer.. he was in a daze and hadn't paid attention to all that was said. But when I started becoming my scientist-nerd-girl self.. fast talking and muttering.. he promised that his Dr is preparing information to provide to him. All I know is that he went through feeling sorry for himself, hopeless frustrated in a flash and then worked over what it'll take to keep him alive. The cancer they'd assumed he had was rare. This was next to impossible to be in his body, where it was/is... and, it's extremely aggressive and can't be removed or killed/destroyed.
Like Tuberculosis or Mononucleosis.. once you've had it... you HAVE it. It never goes away. He was referred to another oncologist. One who specializes in the rarest types. it's on his lungs and surrounding his heart.. in the chest cavity. In his bones and in his saliva gland... having already forever destroyed his nerve thus permanently warped his face. Instead of cutting it out and making him lame as well as deformed.. he will have a stint pick-line or catheter permanently inserted into his chest.. so they can routinely pour powerful chemo directly into his chest, to bath the mass there. The face and hip will receive radiation therapy directly. Unlike others.. he will have radiation and chemo as long as he lives. He is scared more for me... than himself. And worries how long he will have a job, and how long his health insurance will pay for his care. And... what will happen once they refuse to help him any longer? I really don't want to think about that right now.

The positive in all of this.. he was told that due to how young and strong he is.. he will be far better off than the old and worn out victims so typically attacked by this cancer. He sais in a conversation.. hours later... the one reason he has for his outlook and drive to live.. is me. His love for me has given his life meaning and he advised me that he wants to experience it for as long as he can. He told me we've got something important that needs to be resolved... I told him huskily and softly, yes, my love, I know.. and soon. His response was a sound of relief and comfort... and,"I'm so glad you know." Yes, of course I know.. oh, God.. to have any time with him at all.. I've got to make a huge sacrifice and be there for him.. yes, there. For he's going to need the care of physicians there.. and, as long as HUMANA will cover him, he needs to stay there within his network. This is the one man who taught me that which so many tried. The one who proved that you were right. And who's love has already soothed my broken soul more than I thought possible.

We need every moment we can have together. Every chance to share, love and heal one another, support and care and walk together on the beach. Sit quietly on a porch... and lay cuddled together as long as he lives.

My man told me that I'm the only reason he's willing and wanting to do all of this. He's in love for the first time. For the first time he knows who he's meant to be with. That loving me and being with me is the most important thing in his life. He's been working two jobs with dreams of growing the IT company into a big thing with his partner... It was happening, but his partner couldn't take it. The other job.. it was killing him. But it gave him his health insurance. His goals RE greatness.. were all to make a comfortable life.. for me, my daughter.. for US.. him and me.. now... all I know is I have a man who loves and needs me actively IN his life.. up close and personal. And I need to be there as well.

I still need to know WHAT this xxxxx is that has invaded him. I still need to know how things will be covered, how long and what we can do to deal with this. I'm overwhelmed.

I find myself holding my breath.. fighting back the tears and working harder than ever to hold onto composure... I'm asking for your love and prayers and positive thoughts, Reiki and all that is positive send it on the ether and in the air tonight and all day tomorrow.. PLEASE???

Today I spoke with my sweetheart. Today he'd seen his Primary car physician. Tomorrow he sees his Oncologist, and will discover what form of cancers how far progressed and what actions will be initiated for him.

I'm distressed, my friends... My love, my dear man is having more and more health issues in other places... STILL. And he's not being told why they're so severe. I'm hoping more than anything that it's due to anxiety, fear.. stress. I'm troubled over the fact that his digestive system is failing and his lungs and throat are in intense pain. He hasn't been able to eat much, for weeks now. due to pain inability to eliminate waste, and his throat burning, acid to an extreme. He's lost at least 15 more pounds from what I've seen of him on cam. Once well muscled calves and thighs and body now ribs and bones protruding. This is BEFORE any therapies!

Please, please send well wishes towards Chicago in the air. I'm not sure how I'll be able to stay focused on my job, or able to function in the afternoon, let alone during the day. But I'll do my best. I HAVE to. I have no choice. I HAVE to work, have to lead my life as if I'm not petrified of losing my best friend in the whole world... watching how ravaged his body already is... is far from easy. Knowing this man will most likely be even more emaciated in the near future and riddled with even more pain than he's now experiencing, is a grim thing to shoulder. I've got to. I need to. I'm supposed to be strong. I'm supposed to have faith. I'm the one that he turns to for faith and the kind of love only his mate can provide. Right now, my dear man has been staying at his mother's home. He adores her, and she's so very concerned about her baby boy. I'm holding her about as close in my heart s I do my daughter, and my sweetheart.

Please, send love in the air, for me, for him for my daughter.. for all who're waiting and will be affected by the prognoses the doctor decrees upon him tomorrow. IF he's lucky.. surgery and chemo. I want to hear positive... I believe in the power of love, hope and faith.. of the healing power of love. I KNOW the power of love in my own life... and the healing there is within that bond soul to soul. Wishing for life, love, health and hope...