so much that we were closer... it hurts on those days.. my body aches and throbs, and my mind races towards him, wishing that I could just simply touch his face, brush my lips across his skin and remind him that all of this is just a temporary situation. That he will heal. That my daughter will be OK. That this.. what we HAVE is real... not just a dream that's fading into gray.

it is toooo friggin' HOT for clothes.. you know it's an issue when your kid catches you at the entrance of the hall... stripping out of your clothes faster than she can say... WTF... Really, Mom... here???

(((BLUSH)))
true story.. YUP, just happened *nods like a bobble-head*

Happy hump day... those of you that can... DO please... those of you that can't... wish, dream... and don't give up!!!

my daughter made it through her full day of orientation... muttering as we left, "it was like the first day of school in HS, Mom... Geezz" Yeah, yeah, orientation tends to be that way, doesn't it?

My guy apparently had been joking about working today. But, it seems now that he's finally been taking the pills I'd advised him to take, for naturalistic healing he's feeling much, much better. And, advised me that he IS scheduled to return to work on Sunday ((whew)) and a yayeee to boot. He makes less per hour at that job than do I at mine. I'm grateful that he'd been paid for one of the contracts he and his business partner had completed, so he hadn't been concerned over the loss of a couple weeks of work. But, I KNOW that couldn't last long.

I didn't get much of anything accomplished today, really. And I'd been happy to be there to both take my daughter to work and to pick her up, as well. My day was not a good one though.. exhausted, sleep deprived and feeling poorly and distressed, feeling low about myself as a mother and girlfriend, hadn't helped. My daughter had wanted me to go home and sleep.. but I just couldn't do it so I perved NN, and played with my toys to deal with the stress and need that camming with my man has awakened inside of me. *sigh* I ended up collecting my documents and sat in the Social Security offices for a couple of hours, until my turn came around. My new ID card will arrive in about a week, and ASAP after that, I'll have an appointment at the DMV to change my name there. THEN, and finally, I'll be back to my maiden name. So, though the rest of the day's been a mixed bag... daughter who's terrified due to her Saturday with her father, and how he barged into her room on Sunday after I'd called to get his input as her father, on what to do to help her with her mental and emotional state... Instead, he acted as if she were him, and well... now all she sees in herself is what she perceives him to have seen. God knows we all at least, at one time believed our parents loved us, and wanted us... But he taught her otherwise since she was very young. A cruel man... Why, oh WHY did I stay so long with such a horrible and vile creature? Hind sight? Maybe. Anyway, she's terrified of being hated by everyone. She needs medical help, is scared of a brain tumor, or some other terminal malady, and actually hopes she's dying so no one will abandon her. She doesn't want to love my sweetheart, because, ultimately she doesn't want to love him back and then be abused and hated b him as well... Ahhh, my poor dear daughter. I'm broken to bits.. so is he. My dear man admitted that he cares for her and how distressed he is about her situation. My poor man, and his issues, and my darling and devastated daughter... God, help me help them... and if you don't mind.. please... help me?

Today is the first day my daughter will be away from home for something other than a family visit, a vacation/time with her father, or day trip with me, for a long period of time... ermmm, other than time with her boyfriend. Today's orientation for her new job!!! A seven hour day... she is petrified. And with one of her most crucial Fibromyalgia and anxiety medications being absent from her body, oh, how greatly my baby girl is suffering. She will be without the support to her physical mental and emotional self that she's had, for the most part of over four years. But she has mine, and that of a boyfriend that loves her, and, of my boyfriend as well.

How I hate the wicked sense of humor of someone up there!

I felt I had no choice but to protect my child's sanity to the best of my ability, by taking a day without pay for her. I'll take her to work, and be there to pick her up.. GLADLY!!! For in MY mind, any loving and concerned parent would do this, right? I LOVE her, my poor broken Angel. Mental and emotional illnesses are something for which I advocate. As someone who worked in special education as well as in this job, dealing with the needs of those with the terrible trials and challenges that their genetics and histories have caused them.
it's a daunting image in my mind, of what my sweet and sarcastic Sassy and opinionated daughter faces daily and will experience in greater force as she continues to age. Good thing she took what sense of humor I've got and has a rampped up sharper one by at least a 1000%!!

Today, while I'm praying for her to be able to deal with and enjoy the long day of training and preparation... I'll be working on my resume, on submitting it to a couple of companies that are taking applications and looking into hiring their final employees. I may even call a company back that'd called due to my resume on the web.. an employment agency, hunting for the income of finding jobs for people like me... in need of a change of pace, pay and environment.

I will also see if I can go spend some time with my grandmother. I had told Tall and Lanky last night that'd be something I might do, in order to get out of the apartment... Self abuse, as I often find it to be... And he'd been rather distressed over that, as he's faced the results of those visits as a man who's provided a shoulder for me to cry on and pour out the anguish of her cruelty... and yet, she's the woman who took as much delight in my sweetheart's responses to her racist comments and verbiage when talking of him with me... Giggling gleefully at how he chuckles and laughs and his determination to hug her of all things, when he gets to this place... (now, I add in my mind.. if ever) I need to tell my poor little grandmother that my own sweetheart has something far too in common with her. Cancer. A body that is trying to kill him, just as is hers. And, that I'm not sure if he'll ever get to follow through on his original desire to come to Utah to spend time with me and to meet the strong little woman who'd so shaped me.

He's still deluded as to what the real impact of his cancers and the placement of them is on his health, and honestly I've still got niggling questions RE why they hadn't made sure to send antibiotics home with him. What form of cancer is in his face, that had indicated it wasn't one of the eight or so kinds that are typical for the rare case they'd believed him to have. The fact that this is even more improbable and rare a situation just frustrates me to NO end. I NEED to be there, not just for myself but to prepare and educate HIM and his family on his issues, and to ask the right questions, make the correct conjectures and get more assistance for the man that I love than he will be able to acquire without someone who's capable of communion with the scientific side of the practitioners at his side. *sigh* anyway, I feel a stronger pull towards my cruel fierce and loving grandmother. As she's clinging onto the thought of meeting the one man who's so freely and proudly expressed the reality of being in love with her eldest granddaughter. She deserves to know that he's incapable of spending time here, any time soon. He's aware that he'll be going through the chemotherapy and most likely radiation therapies as well as the surgery in order to remove and kill off all of that which is invading his body. Of my desperation to be there with him, of the stress I'm under.. though honestly I'll do my best to avoid that sorrow creating negative. With cancers as with all else, worrying and negative thoughts cause harmful manifestations for those with overactive minds... She'd been diagnosed with Lupus long ago now, when I was a teen. Lupus is an amazing disease, much like Fibro. Mental/emotional health contributes hugely to the physical health or decline thereof. I know she'd like to know what's been filling my days, nights, thoughts and prayers over the last couple of months.

The day will be long for me. But I know it'll be longer for my daughter.

It will also be too long for my sweetheart. The man that I love is truly in denial of how bad his situation is, health-wise. He's NEVER had any health issues other than colds now and then, perhaps sprains and broken bones. But nothing like pneumonia, ear infections, infected teeth, mandatory root canal, muscle pain, damaged joints... and cancer. He's dealing with all of this all at once... Right now... Bloody Fucking hell!!!

He's at work right now. He'd told his bosses that he was going to be there. Hang his body and how he's feeling. ((((What the FUCK??!!!)))

Sorry, my frustration escapes me a lot lately. **sigh**

Like I said a while ago... someone has a cruel and gruesome sense of humor up there. I hear my boyfriend's complaints, which he's so unused to sharing. I hear his sorrows, and he tries to deny me his fears and terrors, yet, I know they too exist. I am in love with a gentle respectful and loving man. And I accept that I may have to tend him as a caregiver.

I'm going to fight the worry-filled and negative determinations people who know cancers have suggested to me. Those projections are dark ugly and grim. I need to cling to any shred of hope that I can find, to be able to not only be able to hope and believe strongly... that I DO get to hold my man in my arms, again. And even better... to grow old with him.

Hope, love and optimism are the weapons we quieter, gentler souls tend to employ with our enemies and frenemies... Love them into submission.. Well, we can and have been proven to love cancer to it's knees with the power of positive thought, as well.

I will work on crafting the finest of weapons designed for that purpose. A beautifully crafted one, filled with my loving signature. I HAVE to do it. I am Dawn... a new day's beginning... my name represents fresh starts, new beginnings, the rays of sunlight kissing the world with hope and drawing on faith, for a new, bright and better day... so too must I. Kiss and caress the world with my love and hope.. remind those who'll actually listen that maybe fairy tales aren't true... but positive power is. The reality of inexplicable recoveries and miracles, all due to THIS power in the minds of those who wield it high and hold it cherished to their bosoms can't help but accomplish magic, miracles and purest joy. The magical thing of it is.. whether there is a God in your "prayers" and belief system, or not, just believing in that power, that radiant magnetic force that I firmly believe binds all the universe and all atoms together... LOVE... POSITIVE... God.. All are the same thing, to me... For, believing is seeing, believing is a crucial element of success and of creation of the improbable and impossible, and of miracles and of science too... of genetics, of medicine... of healing.

and lets walk in silence.. reveling in the morning sounds... the dew on the ground dampening my canvas shoes as we shush through the grasses tangled and bent... listen to the river, laughing as it gambols over rocks and dives into pools. High in these glorious Rockies, early enough to enjoy the chill of morning, yes, this is my heaven here in my current home. I smile broad and radiant, lighting up as if it were the sunrise. Reflecting my joy at spending this joyous and treasured experience with you.

I took panty photos today... planning to post as usual... wow, I really NEED to DO something.. my belly has come back and everything looks even more bloated than I'd feared. *sigh* Thyroid? Stress? Al I know is I was right when I told my daughter I've got to shed pounds for my safety, for my health. My injured back has been experiencing daily pain. I'm mortified by my body looking this way. I MIGHT post them, but I'm very uncomfortable about this. So, just a heads up... Dreaming really, REALLY doesn't feel like herself.

God, I hate what's happening to my baby girl...
so horrible.

Life is fucking cruel!!!

I thought I'd let you know about my profile photo. I bought a few of these bracelets at the Royal Bliss fund raiser last Monday. I wear this one "CANCER SUCKS." every day. My daughter chose the cooler more colorful one, "Fight Like A Girl." I wear mine to support those whom I love who're fighting cancers and those who've lost the battle. M boyfriend never once asked what it was, when we've cammed a couple evenings this week. But then he was so ill he didn't recall picking up a few of the prescriptions he'd had filled, either. Not only was he fighting cancer, pneumonia and sinus infections, but today informed me of an ear infection as well. His once incredible immune system is down, and almost non-functioning. I've had to advise him against going to movies, to a live play and a couple other things.. his judgement is gone!!! While some of it is, let's face it, absurd... I worry over what he does when he's not on the phone with me. His reasoning is out the window. *sigh*

Today in an afternoon/evening conversation, he told me of a conversation with his mother. She'd posed, "You'd be doing a whole lot better off if Dawn were here, wouldn't you?" he'd replied after the second time, with a chuckle and a "Yes." "Mmm, hmmm, yes you would" came from her lips. I can hear her voice in my mind. He pointed out that even his mom has complete faith in my ability to take care of and watch out for and make sure her son takes better care of himself. All of this because I'm right so often, he's noticed that what I say is right. So, I'm guessing he's impressed? I'm just me. I KNOW severe health issues. And about immuno-malfunction. I HAD to learn. I have such trials with my daughter's and my own health.. I pay attention to everyone else that I love, and take note. I know what he's going to need to prepare for.. and I've threatened to unleash the rest of the powerful women in his life if he refuses to behave. I reminded him that he'd encouraged his mom and oldest sister, and I to talk and get to know one another. Baby boy has one hell of a female force watching over him! Mom, Big Sis, and Girlfriend.. that's a LOT of love and determined hormonal women who'll ride his ass! So, now, when he teases me about how can I get to him or hurt him from way over here when he's talking about reusing to obey me or heed my advice...I get quiet, and simply say, I'll tell your Mommy and your big sis what you're going to do."

Apparently I don't play fair. I just reply... Kiss My Ass!

of course, that's one of his favorite fantasies from the get go... at first horrified by it.. now that he's experienced it.. well... it's even more of a reminder of a reward for positive responce to my imperilous demands than a Fuck off sort of a reply

And, he behaved ok today so... he got to SEE the naked version of me and my ass. I'm amazed to discover just wonderfully effective rewards work on the man.

Anyway, back to the bracelet. I'll be wearing it in every photo from now on, until his treatments are done. I'm reminding him and everyone I know of the importance of exams testing, etc. An, I'm really hoping to get that receptionist job at the genetic cancer testing company... asap. I may be silly but I'm proud of the work they do, and I know how swamped they are with work, and requests, Thanks to women like Anjolina Jolie, advocating for early DNA tests. She's not the only one but is the most effective advocate to date. I love my guy. I miss my mother, first step-mother-in-law,cousins and aunts and my paternal grandfather.. all of whom passed away due to either cancers or the side affects of it or treatments. And I thank God for friends and family members who've survived it. I wear this band for him... and I wear it, for you, those who've fought the good fight. And for those currently fighting it.