no real news to share about me and my sweetheart... he's hoping to find out if perhaps the issues with his lungs is due to the tuberculosis he'd acquired a few years ago.

Today I worked around my apartment a bit, did shopping and picked up a few movies from a Redbox... The Host, GI Joe and Les Miserable. My kid and I watched the G.I. Joe movie, and then there was a knock on the door. Tall and Lanky was there my doorstep, surprising both myself and my daughter... we'd been preparing for me to take her to work.
Anyway, though it was rather sudden and impetuous... When asked to go with him... I gave over the keys to the car to my kiddo and off I went to the grand opening of a bicycle shop.. moving from one location to a larger facility. They were passing out gifts and had prizes for those who'd waited... from water bottles, to racing bicycles. We wandered through the shop and I took photos for my buddy, of him with men he knows due to his past as both a competitive racer and as an officiator at bicycle races. He even too one of me with one of the champion racers... It was cool, a nice and silly young man. Tall and lanky was given a couple of things, and I ended up hearing my new old last name called out. Curious I went up and was given a box, and the man told me these are worth $200.00. I looked at him, smiled honestly just being pleased to have responded to my name being called out.. my maiden name. I walked back to my friend and poor Lanky was about undone seeing these carbon pedals with locking cleats. He threatened to steal them from me... reminding me of how he tends to keep things once borrowed *shakes head* and warned me he'd offer me dinner and who knows what to be the owner of them.
*sigh* Me, I kept seeing them as a prayer answered... thinking of posting them on EBay on auction... yup, I did. I've set it to start tomorrow afternoon, with a reserve of $100.00. We'll see if I'd get that. HOPE so. I've discovered I need my drivers side front strut replaced ASAP. Anyway, if they sell, absolutely wonderful! If not.. hmm, maybe that Tall man that I've got the weirdest friendship in the world with... will get them as a birthday present from me. We spent time afterwards, over a Chick-Fil-A dinner went by Walmart to pick up the keys and my car and then a peculiar dessert at the Royal. We both agreed that we'd needed some time away from life to just waste it enjoying it.

Right now, I'm doing all I can to stay up long enough to be ready to go get my kiddo from work. Watching a Cary Grant movie and posting a blog here... hmm, well, I'm hoping that all of this will work. Need to be there for my sweet kid by 1:00 am.

hauntingly beautiful to me...

casting a glow through my window...

today, as yesterday I'm creating tiny lovely things.. creating using polymer clays, metals, wire, leather, and more... just enjoying the creative process, and the fact that I'm feeling better doing it this time.

I've also been blessed with better conversations with my sweetheart. He seems to be doing better and more willing to listen to me reminding him to take care of himself. He's also been pointing out just how much my daughter simply working will affect my budget. He's right. Anyway, we also discussed our finances, and our relationship. Alex pointed out how much more we have than we did last time. Reminding me that by the time I'd left he knew I was the woman he wanted in his life as his wife and partner. And, that he wants us to budget for and wait for a better experience than sleeping on the floor or eating like we're starving students. While I want to see him very much in person.. I know he's got a valid point, and I also know that he really wants to be feeling better, not worse when we spend time together. Loving is trusting... which isn't something I had with my ex. But I do with those who've become close.. and he's my dearest, so... I'm going to hold off. No desperation in me when I'm there with him. No worries that it might be the last time I'll be with him. I'm going to trust my lover with my hopes and dreams. I've promised no sacrifices. And then agreed that in order for our trips to and from to go well.. we've got to be able to afford things as he listed them. *sigh*

long rambling story shortened. I've agreed to delay a rushed and reactive trip to prepare for something better.. something meaningful and special. And he's promising to take better care of himself. To build his body up. To get mandatory things accomplished for his therapies to proceed.
He and I each are setting goals.
Preparing for our future
and focusing on a positive and long future filled with love, passion, joy and mutual purpose. We're practicing what we want.. now. Patience, responsibility, consideration and thoughtfulness. Managing out lives practically. And finances carefully. He advised me of his budget and what he's been paying off and saving for.
I'm relaxing. I'm planning for a delay in the plans and going to focus on proving my absolute faith in him and in a future together.

God blessed me with so much already. But I'm finding more evidence of His love.. in the love and faith and hearing more about prayer in this man than I dare to lie about in myself. I'm humbled by his faith in me and his love and respect for my daughter. I am learning what a COUPLE truly can be. I am learning that this is what I have wanted and needed all of my life. And I am growing into a peace filled and confident woman. To me I see a reflection of him, within me.. His confidence is built upon such strength and certainty and so much love it overflows and I feel it wash over me in his gentle admonitions and quiet requests. I am loved by one stunning man. And I'm learning just how sure he is in his trust and faith in me. Wow.. and yes, I'm sure that you can tell that I'm in absolute awe of this man in whom I love. What a rich and wonderful reward I feel I have in him.

Such positive is something that darkness cannot stay around. It flees in frustration.. leaving peace and love glowing as a sunrise or the soft glow of moon light. Either one is perfection. I've got my own piece of heaven on earth in the man who's claimed his place is by my side. and mine by his.

Sheer delight... ahhh my... I've never felt anything so wonderful.. and this is just the beginning... the Dawning of a new day... a future built upon love.

longing fills me... softly at first
then...
it grows into more
a keening desire, and aching burning deep within me..
tingling and humming inside me.
my skin is eager for his touch, his lips gently sweetly brushing across mine, then drawing my lower lip in and sucking on it, hungrily he seems to feast upon it drawing it deeper... as if hinting at what he longs for, what he craves to do mmm, down there....

let me feel him licking sucking, and nibbling in my wetness, after sensually arousing my body with his kisses, my other lips are slick with eagerness for him to take what I so desire to give.

I want so badly to experience this again with him... but I ache far more just to tenderly love and caress and sooth him with my presence. I'd far rather love him than ever have sexual completion again.

While, yes, I NEED it for my sanity... I need HIM for my peaceful and joyous days and nights. I miss his chuckle so much... Oh, how it used to make me come alive. To hear his sweet and sexy voice on the other line... I miss him too much for my own good. I long to call him my home and rest in his arms, loving and giving my life to him.


I felt a wash of sweet loving this early afternoon. I'm not sure where it'd come from... all I know is I'd needed it, to sooth and strengthen me, to help me be at my best for my sweet daughter and .. oh how I hope and pray I'll get to speak with my love tonight. Even just to talk TO him... to remind him of my love and joy in being part of what he insists is the better part of him.

tonight, my sweetheart informed me he's declining rapidly. His symptoms are escalating, or maybe he's speedily losing himself to this. He chastised me for sounding desperate to fly to his side, when my daughter needs me and he'd rather not be seen in this state. He was reminding me to be positive, to focus on his cure, and healing.. saying the only reason anyone starts being irrational like that, dropping everything is when they foresee death. He refuses to allow that. Anyway, he's losing his voice and soon won't have any ability to walk. He asked if he should pursue short term disability benefits. I told him YES. I suggested there may be employee coverage at his place of employment. And I'm still sure that unemployment benefits are able to cover a mandatory leave of absence for health reasons. Anyway, I'm hoping and praying that the love of my life will be able to get the help that he needs ASAP! AND that it will HELP him and reverse this rapid deterioration.

My daughter raged because I was wanting a hug while having a trembling lip... demanding to know what got me so upset. What she doesn't understand is that his situation is dire, yet he's thinking of her, and my relationship with her. He's also distressed about me being there, seeing him in a terribly weakened state, and with no accommodations at all. He's thinking of the comfort and well-being of others. He'd been begging before, that I come to him and take my place by his side.. But I understand his realism, loving and giving soul as well.. and, his desire to fight for the chance and opportunity to have and lead his life healthily with his love as wife, by his side. So.. that is what I will focus on. Paying off debts, taking care of self and daughter, and finding a better job while HERE in hopes of getting him here to lead his life with me in a home filled with peace and love. Only I can build that for us. Only I can assist him in making sure we can have that reality. So.. I will focus my love on him and on my beautifully strong and caring daughter. I am blessed with two people who love me more than anything. My daughter, and my mate. No matter what happens, I will fight weakness. I have to for BOTH of them. And I will focus the power of love upon each of them. Because, I can. Because I must.

In just a few short hours I'm supposed to get up. They announced mandatory minimum of an hour of overtime, because not enough people signed up voluntarily due to enticements of drawings and free pizza for those who stay 3 or more extra hours. So, I start my shift at 5:45am, and end it at 3:15pm.

Time to pass out from exhaustion and from fighting myself. I can't afford to distress either one.. so I need to pray for the strength and ability to hide mt fears and sorrows from either one of them. I'm going to be lonely. Tall and Lanky is out of my life as a friend now.. and I'll respect that because no matter what, I do love him. I want him happy and capable of functioning. But what I wish for him is just my wishes.
Life is full of chances. We take them, or we pass them by, or worse, throw them away after seeing what they could lead to. I've made each of these choices. I'm sure that most of us do.

Anyway, thanks for putting up with me and my ramblings. I'm sorry if I seem to have unrealistic amounts of drama in my life to any of you. But, to those who know the kinds off trials we each CAN or have had.. these can build or prove us, or we can allow ourselves to feel utterly defeated. How we come out of this darken time is up to us and our attitude.

whew. too tired. WAY past time for sleep. 3 hours enough, you think??? yeah, me neither. But I don't have anyone to hold me or protect me from this. I don't have anyone to touch my hand or shake me when I'm falling apart. This is my release. I have to keep all of this silent from the two people I love the most. I ave to learn to emulate a poker face, be brave, suck it up.. and just fucking steel myself up so I can't show my pain for or to them.

This is one of the hardest times of my life. And don't ANYONE dare tell me I'm wrong!

Being stoic and gulping it all down isn't something I know how to do. My face can't HIDE the truth. I'm fucked by my own true self being so vulnerable and being so translucent.

today I got my temporary drivers license.. and what the hey??? they actually took a good photo of me.. so not normal.. but then I was glowing when I explained about my promise to have my IID and my tickets say Dawn K*%^&** next time I see my sweetheart. I just might have squeaked into base... I was advised it'd take three weeks to arrive in the mail. My flight is the last Thursday of August... for the Labor Day weekend. I'm thrilled with the prospect of honoring my promise to my darling man! Mmm, and I'm very happy to have had his sweet sister befriend me on FB. She is dear to me. Anyway, she let me know there, today that my love is as excited about my visit as I am.. so is she. God has blessed me with more loving people to add to my family! And, lol.. I love that his mom is a dirty minded woman... We get along just fine.

Today at work I was sharing about Alex with a couple of ladies.. one asked in a rather accusatory way, Why aren't you THERE right now? I almost cried.. it's a sensitive subject. I told her I support myself AND a disabled adult daughter on these wages.. and only a week ago did she get a job.. her first ever. And, I'm stuck with obligations, debts and a lease.. I can't afford to go.. he knows my daughter needs me, and counsels with me to help me smooth ruffled feathers sweetly like does for me. Anyway, she settled down and apologized. He is my now and my future. And she is my child who still needs my help getting her from point A to point D, at minimum.

I haven't yet heard from my dear one today.. but I'll try calling him very soon. Just to tell him I love him, even if he's sleeping, at least I can leave a message to remind that man of how much he means to me.

means we make mistakes.

we fall down and need to learn to pick ourselves back up

we fail
we succeed
we give up
we try again

we're imperfect... until someone loves us enough to find our weaknesses and faults perfectly US,
and shows us we're worthy of loving perfectly.

we learn

we forget

we get to try to get it right... over, and over and over, and...

we all have something wonderful about us. Something we must divine, refine, own, hone and treasure.. shine it up, and present it for all to see.
Be brave, take a chance..
find and love ourselves...
guess what?
it's worth it.

Yes, these are lessons we all hear...
but how many of us actually listen? watch? learn? and how many of us recognize the inestimable value of these glorious lessons?

these lessons are learned by trial and error, reaction and response determines if we won this time around.

Thanks to a fantastic and gentle yet very strong partner in my life... I'm learning many things. Like what it's REALLY like to HAVE.. a PARTNER. Someone who lifts you up, holds you, listens and give gentle reminders and suggestions. I am discovering what a gift our love and absolute friendship truly IS. It is US... our natural desire passion lust and need is all intact. But so is respect admiration, hero worship... let's face it, we both have times we seem to be in awe of one another and the strength we feel and see in the other. I am in love with the man who lifted me up cheered me on.. hoped my officer would follow through and thought I was playing to find release and to just have fun.. and when he realized it was self destructive he was there to make me see. Yes, there were others who loved me through those times, too... men here and a little bro' who seemed to know my plight all without me saying anything about it.

I am learning how a couple work together, naturally.
I'm learning just how special this love is, that we found and built together.
We're two of a kind, my dears.. and oh, what a natural husband and father he can be. What a sad thing to know my daughter refuses to get to know, trust and love him because she's so scared to lose another person she's grown to love dearly and want in her own life.
But what a wonderful and tender thing to discover in my dearest.. that he's worthy of my love.. and worthy of being an influence in my daughter's life, for positive.
For the past two days he's listened to my nightmares with my daughter and her situation. What a natural father he would be.. knowing how to gently naturally make sense and teach my daughter lessons in responsibility and self respect. Yes, I'm impressed that this man whom I treasure, even when blinded by the new and daily pain he still can stop and work through thoughts and suggestions of gentle and loving lessons responses and positive methods for smoothing out the painful past and heal my daughter's heart.
Can you imagine how I love him? How amazing it is to me that as we get closer to his treatment and risks he's taking for our future together... what kind of future do you suppose we can and would have? Two rational, responsible, gentle, caring, loving people uniting?
God, what a scary thought, eh?
just imagine us.. unleashed? Doing good, being able to build the world around us into a brighter place?
I know... right?
Can you take that thought? Smiles.. I can. I happen to know some couples here who're much like that. Good for each other. And helping one another build and keep their happiness alive.

Love is a gloriously beautiful and perfecting thing.
Love is the thing that smooths and finishes us.. and fills in for our flaws and levels the whole of our lives.

so... the cancer is one of the rarest head and neck ones there is. *sigh* It's supposed to be next to impossible to get it anywhere else, other than well.. geee, the head or neck. Uh huh...
I told Alex he's special... he's a one of a kind, I knew it already, but yeeshhh, did he have to go and make a HUGE point? I'm glad he chuckled.

anyway, it's IN the bones in his hip, eating it to bits. It's in his chest, suffocating him with pneumonia and phlegm being coughed and gagged up... anyway, same damned thing and in the face, too... He'll have radiation to the hip, and to the face, with a smidgen of chemo to kick it in the butt. He'll have the stint/catheter system and chemo baths to the chest cavity... but no clue when... But the other site will be started SOON.

today he was advised that he'd be out of work for a minimum of three months straight while in tretment. He hated the job, but still... how to cover it? I told him they'd probably put him on mandatory health related leave, and state assistance, qualifying him for unemployment benefits and Medicaid... Yeah, I know the drill... I could hear the smile as he teased, where do I sign up? Let's get it over with.

He was also asked to seriously consider a feeding tube once things get REALLY painful with the radiation and chemo to his face. His throat already is in terrible pain. It'll be a few hundred times worse. I made the mistake of mentioning my experience with tube feeding kids in the special ed low challenged unit. How it's done, where it's placed. He was grossed out and determined not to have it. I informed him that he'd better check that attitude, and do as I say when it comes time. I informed him I'm invested there, so he teased about me playing my cards wrong. Anyway, it seems the prognosis is rather decent, except that drinking a damn juice box nearly drowned him as we we speaking.

Um, just a heads up... if you can't stand hearing cuss and swear words from my fingers or voice... go away? I'm going to be saying them a lot.
FUCK... this is going to be one hellish ride.
And, I hate this..
Yes, I hate it. He'll be getting his chemo and radiation started in 1 1/2 to 2 weeks.. when am I planning on being there? Grrhhhh, yes, right after my red tide, but it'll be too late for intimacy and touch. I'd saved a flight for Labor Day weekend and the couple days prior to it.
But... know the pain chemo fused my body with.. and I only had low doses as a kid/xxxxxxxx... I wasn't facing stage 4 cancer, and an already whittled away body... Shit!

All I'll be able to do is watch him wheeze and hold him when he can tolerate it. I'm tired of being too damn poor, and too late. A dear friend who's one of the white haired security guards at work, told me to let him know when I've got the flight booked and when I'm almost to the amount of money that I need. He can't contribute much, but he'd like to see if he and his wife can give a hundred. I wish I could afford a trip this weekend, I'd go. Or even the next... again, I'd go. I wish I had some miles to redeem. But I don't. Oh well... I'll get there, eventually. After he's riddled with pain. He's already sensitive to when his body's without his generic version of Tylenol 3. He'd never taken pain killers until this things happened, just about 3 months ago. Now he's hooked on and needs Hydrocodone-acetaminophen.I warned him it gets worse and that he'll be begging for something stronger. I Begged him to promise to NEVER take Methadone. He insisted it'd never happen. I told him they'd offer oxycontin and tramadol. I know my drugs... I ought to, I represent the Medicare aspect of his insurance company; and specialized in pharmacy until recently. Now, I'm medically trained. And still making just over $10/hr. No raises, no promotions, and no certificate to celebrate my 2 ear anniversary of working there(last month) either. I need a new job ASAP. Oh, and I just got an email saying that I didn't get the receptionist job. Feeling low, but plodding through life anyway. I have too much to do. And I've GOT to figure out how to come up with a guaranteed way to earn enough to pay for a couple round trips ASAP. He needs me there, with him. And I want to be with him, too.
We teased about him being the sexiest just shy of 6' tall 115 pound guys in a couple months.. I cringe but know that's what will happen to his body, with that high metabolic rate. He'll have nothing but skin and bones and one ginormous bone jutting out when he's horny. Thing is.... one of THE common side effects is loss of a hard on and even interest. Maybe it's a good thing I'm here and not there? Maybe he's better off not having me close and being in too much pain and being unable to do anything... And, I'm not sure they talked with him about the fact that he's going to loose his teeth due to the proximity of the radiation and chemo on that side of his face. This is going to be one long nightmare for the man I love. I'll do all I can to remind him why he's destroying his body and suffering so much intense agony. I hope a life with me will really be worth it. I hope I can prove he's worth being with, loving and that this nightmare will be manageable.

Wraps arms around myself as I rock myself.
Cancer SUCKS!!!

prayers and positive I'm sending to my sweetheart and have been all day long. Mmm, I'm worried that instead of gaining the positive and hopeful response he wants, he's gotten a second opinion that negates all his hopes wishes and dreams.

And, no, I'm not giving u on hope love and joy with him... I can't even knowing that I've got the real possibility of needing to help him through the worst possible situation. I don't want it. I want to be his wife and proudly take his last name as mine. I'd be DD.. he teasingly pointed out that though I claim to only be between a B and C cup... in most photos there's no way anyone would think I'm anything but a D. He started calling me Double D... not just because the photos I've posted on facebook from my trip there show my boobs as friggin' HUGE... but because when I marry him... I'd be D.D. His DoubleD.

God, I'm anxious to hear his voice, and no matter the news I'm going to be his DoubleD, forever... I'll pour out my joy and positive for him. And I'll make him feel my love as deeply and surely surrounding him as I can. I can't wait to spend time with him again.

hmm, I was just listening to a few of her songs and honestly... this was/is the message I've been trying to convey about my choices and changes in my life...