determination is getting the best of me... I'm searching for local temporary jobs, to fill in a couple of days, or a few nights a week, so I can afford my life, my hopes and dreams, and make them all come true. I've sent in a couple of applications for jobs.. of all things, where my ex works, since they're a great employer... and I discovered something intriguing.. they've got offices in Illinois. Hmmm, nothing that I'd qualify for, there, for now... I'm needing a couple more professional references for the other applications I'm submitting. WalMart and a couple other companies locally. I shot off a copy of my resume to my sweetheart's sister. She's a professional job searcher at an employment company. My guy told me that would be the perfect job for me, since I care, and handle myself well, professionally. LOL... how would HE know?? well, lately I start to rattle off information RE his need for referrals and authorizations through his HMO. I'll explain a procedure or health issue and the other things that it can cause or require.. as if I know what I'm taking about... Hmm, it IS my job, so go figure. I don't have the health insurance I represent, or I'd be fine... but at least I represent the company that he gets his through. I realize how long this all could take for me, if things continue working against me as they're going, right now... It'll take a year or so at this rate, and that includes getting a second job. WHY? Well, when I've got a special needs adult child living with me... who's feeling abandoned and neglected... I have to slow things down for her... and prove that she is important to me. I wish she'd be willing to relocate there, with me. She'd have gone had I taken a job in another place, but due to the fact that I'd be like a honeymooner, I can understand, to a degree. What she forgets is that just a couple hours away is her aunt and cousins. She could live with them, if she couldn't stand Mom and her guy... Umm, yeah, getting down and dirty. She already hated it when it was her dad and me once a week for about 10 minutes... this would be even more wild, long, and more frequently.. once he was back to healthy, that is.

I'm grateful for the training I've gotten. I'm grateful for the friendships I've gained through that place. And I'm grateful for my friends here, in THIS place... Newbie Nudes has brought me some of the finest souls anyone could ever meet, and know, and love... YES, I DO mean YOU.

a song I love

light shining through my blinds... casting shadows lining my room in lighted stripes in pattern... The soft glow of day break.. and the sounds of song from a forest filled with birds, rejoicing at sunrise... The sounds of the millcreek burbling add to the delight my ears and eyes enjoy... the glittering of light upon the waters is glorious...

This building in which I live may be old and imperfect, but the location is my piece of heaven in this world right now, as it is...

He asked me to consider again the thought of letting go of our relationship and to think of being "Just friends" I hated him for about 10 seconds, and called him something I know he isn't... but it hurt, maybe because I admit it might be easier to just be friends since we're so far from one another... and, every time he balks at the thought of coming to me, here, in Utah... acting like it's a terrible thing for me to ask or hope from him... I wonder if we'll make it, wonder if it's worth believing that one man would want me enough to be with me for the rest of our lives... Why would he? How could he possibly want such a flawed woman as his? That is when my fears all come rushing back to swallow me, reminders of a hellish life with abuse and neglect as key components. I've been taught since I was 6 years old to see myself as a thing, rather than a human being... that my role was merely to take care and tend to those around me... I was never allowed to feel safe wanted, or valued. I wonder how I can really ever believe that which I've had some very dear men and women try to teach me, here, when I'm still filled with these huge monsters called self loathing, doubt and fear. They've filled my days and nights for so long... what if I refuse to let them go and accept love's healing glow? I have men here, who've tried to teach me for years how much they see in me... how it attracts them and others to me... and yet, I still see that tiny mouse of a child, covered in bruises and tear stains... hiding in a corner, trying to be brave. She is the child I was. She is still here, within me, needing to be healed. Oh, God how I hate how easy it is for me to doubt, step back and be willing to let go because I believe people want that of me. Will force me to go if I don't walk away on my own... It's all I've known since I was little... Suffer quietly in your corner, little girl, and then pretend that you feel loved, pretend that they care... knowing that they loathe your little smiling face, no matter what. I'm grateful that through all of that I couldn't shake the ability to find beauty in the darkened world I lived in, to make it a little brighter.. enough to keep me going. I had to keep on going, because I knew my little sisters needed me to fight for them, to protect and care for them... I HAD to, there was NO other choice. Death was not an option. While I still at times feel the intoxicating desire for it, when things feel hopeless... how easy, and how selfish it would be to let go of and depreciate the love I feel from and for others, and just slip away in silence to death by mere avoidance of my health issues, or by the sweetest toxin's golden glimmer of release within one teaspoon of what once was a daily way to sweeten all for me... No I'm not suicidal... but the awareness of a simple way to die is very clear to me... I won't use it now. No need for it in my life.... Not now. I'm merely troubled by changed in my relationships with others, and their misconceptions... and, my own.

Today the birds greetings delight me... they remind me that I've every reason to let my heart sing. Maybe it will again, one day. For now, I'm devastated by how my daughter sees the world and those who love her. I'm saddened by how easily my guy offers to set me free... and I'm disappointed in myself as I feel torn by the absence of a man who's not right for me, in my life... I'm letting go of him and that part of my life... looking for jobs that will make that change easier for me, and maybe easier for him as well... and, watching my daughter feel fear as she realizes for the first time how I meant everything I've said when saying I CAN'T afford to support you any longer... Either apply for both school and a job and get it ASAP, or be gone by the ned of the month... THAT on top of insisting she take care of herself, her things, her room and all obligations she'd made, and promised she'd follow through on and has refused to and hasn't cared enough or respected me enough to follow through on... She HAS to now, or she HAS to leave for at least two months if she's ever to appreciate what she had in me and in my home. I'm letting go, I'm standing up.. I'm walking away when I have to... and it's a very painful thing for me. If for some reason my love ends our relationship after all... I'm ending relationship building and searches. I'm done for a while, it'll be too damaging, and I'm thinking I need to do that anyway, right now... Because, I recognize that I'm too imperfect, too broken, damaged and scarred, and, scared, to really be good at a relationship at all.

the rains tonight remind me of this song... soothing, to me, beautiful to listen to...

I LOVE Joe Satriani's talented mind and fingers...

And Yes, I was planning to go see another amazing guitarist perform tonight... I'm home, saving myself the $20 for a ticket, to pay a bill... much more important at this time of my life.

Please, close your eyes, listen to the music as it flows and patters on the windowsill to your soul.

**impish smiles**
yes, I know.. we ALL have, and rather often, so it's seemed from speaking with, writing to and from my friends here, and other places...

Some times the WHY reflect frustration and sorrows... WHY me? Why now when everything else around me is crumbling? MUST I bear THIS TOO?

While other times... I HOPE we all experience... Why ME? What made me so lucky? How could I be the one to be blessed with this?

This time in my life I realize that I'm experiencing both sides.. both EXTREMES of the spectrum. I thank my lucky stars that I'm alive.. I'm still struggling, sure... and unsure how heavy I'm going to get due to my continued weight gain... I'm still struggling, with all of that health stuff... but I'm also dealing with his health(boyfriend's)... and her health(daughter's)... and so I muddle through to the best of my ability.

I'm blessed to have this man remind me how much I am loved, how easy it is, to love me... and of his devotion to me, and to a life WITH me. Today he asked me if her coming with me was still an option. I said yes, and he simply said, OK... I realized later what that means as far as what he really was asking me. I know other men love me, and he used to mention that he was sure there are many more suited men out there for me.. men who had more to offer, comfort, security and would be as good as him if not better for me. I have no clue about all of that... but I do know that he's very capable of helping me FEEL and KNOW that I am loved and worthy of it. I know that I've got a brighter glow and level of joy seeping from me because of what our friendship and love mean to me, and to him... I know that no matter what the future holds I'll be forever grateful for the times I'm experiencing NOW. The challenges, the heartaches, the hardships and... the laughter, fun, joy and peace...

Why me? Why not? I hope that you ask yourself these questions... Due to feeling blessed... and some times I ask that set of questions when experiencing trials.. Why not? Why should I expect to avoid them? And can I take anything good from this? Am I going to learn this time? Because I sure as hell don't wish to repeat THIS particularly painful lesson.

Why? Why not? And how can I take good from bad.. and how can I show how much I value what I have?

These questions are 100% worth thinking and contemplating... Live, love, learn.. grow... become a better you, and love yourself through it all... You're worth it!

xoxoxo

Today had started out with a bang, and clap and rattle...
of thunder and lightening lighting up the rain filled skies... it was a glorious natural fireworks display added to the ones of previous nights and due for tonight as well... My daughter dashed into my room as she used to as a child, to huddle up close to me for a while... then sleepily went back to her room and to bed. LOL, it was endearing, to be sure... I woke up rested, stretching out on my too soft, too tall bed, thinking of the day, of those whom I adore and love sweetly for who they are in my life. Some have found forgiveness and in that, also love and honesty and friendship in me... while others simple are loved for how they affect me, and effectively create a positive ripple in my life.

I discovered a text message from one of the men I love from this place, OldTroubador, forever TJ, to me... Anyway, the text was sweet wishes for the 4th of July.

This day we celebrate, today is significant in many ways. My family fought in the Revolutionary War, the Civil war, and in World wars and "police actions." They fought for and supported the desires for freedom justice and equality. Yes, even the "wars" for women's rights and other things. I honor many generations of people here, in the UK, in Europe and across the world really who've been tied to me with a thread of blood given freely. Of love given freely. And to those now who support rights freedom from tyranny, and for those who're in the military, I salute you.

I love my country. I might not be proud of all the choices made by leadership past, present or future... but I'm proud of the foundation some very noble brilliant minds laid in place for us. I'm proud of people stepping up to support those in need. I love those who've instilled within me a love of God, of human nature, of life and love itself, for to me, that is all God is to me, Love, the power of love that binds and unites, edifies and heals.
This is My country, land that I love...

Tonight I spent time with three people that I love... My love and I stayed on the phone until he was too sleepy to continue. Then I spent time with my dauther and, instead of my usual time with Tall and Lanky the two of us.. I took her with me, dragging her from the heat of the apartment. I suspect it frustrated my tall friend, but I needed her to understand what I love about being a spectator at sports venues. He'd invited me to attend a bicycle race... and how I hope he'll apply for recertification for a spot as an official again. He's burned so many bridges and moaned about them that I just can't feel sorry for him.. it's his womanizing ways that do it. Anyway, I miss the joy and exuberance in his face after a trip to officiate an event. My daughter watched the crowds as well as the racers. And the pace car was a Camero, so she was drooling over it.

We went to Culver's for burgers and an icecream for her, as reward for the application for a job that seems a sure thing for her. I would have enjoyed the race etc more actively had I gone alone. But I wanted to see joy in her face.. so it was perfect to end the day chasing the fireworks display going off near our home. She got to watch the finally up close, and we got to spend time being a Mom and daughter NOT butting heads. We needed it.

another update...
today is the second anniversary of having met my sweetheart. We'd met on a penpal site, intending to be friends. Teasing, flirting a wee bit now and then, but otherwise leading our lives without really sharing the intimate details of them. I'd gotten involved with my mentor at work... a man I respected for his laid back and peaceful attitude. I hadn't yet learned that was a facade until a couple months later. Anyway, that man lost his job there well over 20 month ago, and we'd stopped doing anything long before that. I'd pinned hopes on someone I'd known from my past and then went overboard with several men in between... I'm still friends with two of them.. Tall and Lanky from work, who I seem unable to let go of.. and the only local that gave me lust and pure adoring hugs filled with positive that was as strong as his spirit... And then my penpal went from penpal to calling me once every couple weeks.. then once a week, and now, every day... and as you know... we're a long distance couple, with hopes and dreams of a future together.

Today was the day he had his PET scan; and the first day he's felt better(intestinal issues for almost a month). He told me the scan was no biggie, He'd fallen asleep waiting for the injected tracker to work through his system, and again while in the unit for the screening.

Tomorrow we both have the day off of work. His company isn't planning on work for Friday, but due to his sick leave last week+ he's offered to work on Friday, anyway. I'll be working that day, my regular shift. And as I need the money, I'm fine there.

Today, my daughter, for the first time ever, finished one of those personality/work ethic assessments without a hitch. She'll let our neighbor know about it today or tomorrow... She works at the local WalMart, and eager to get more employees to cover the night/graveyard shift. They've been desperate for new people, for months.

Today, I also passed the final assessment for my Medical training at work. I passed it with a good score... Those who'd failed it have no repercussions, due to that failure, except in self esteem. They'll be fine.

So, this day's turning out to be a decent day all around. There were a few frustrations... Social Security offices are only open until 3pm, and just until 12:00pm on Wednesdays. It means I've got to count on them to return my legal documents to me, because I've got no other way to get them to them, than mailing to the office, or main address. I hate that. I wanted to have control over them. I paid so much to get certified copies of birth certificate, divorce decree... and I've still got to get a certified one of the marriage license. Why? Well, because IF there's such a thing as social security retirement benefits when I'm ready for retirement.. I'll need to request drawing mine off the level his income set his benefits at a year ago, when we were still married. I also erupted at my daughter for yelling reacting to something I'd said. And reminded her that the deadline I'd given her last weekend is set in stone. If X and X aren't achieved by the weekend after next, she'll be moving out of the apartment, and living someplace else than with me. Life is far from easy. And mine has it's challenges, for sure. I'm hoping and praying that my daughter gets her first official "JOB," ASAP. And that I can weather working two jobs. I need more of an income. I have car repairs to pay for. I've got medical bills, and needs that must be taken care of. I've got old bills that weren't bundled into the refinanced mortgage as we'd thought... and I've got money to sock away for the medical needs, and for flights to and from Chicago. We need to be together again... SOON. Yet, we both make little... and have needs to be met. Even though he insists that waiting 'til end of October can't work... too long... I just don't see anything working so we can change that.

Today was a good day. Right now he's sleeping, his heavy gentle rest-filled breathing coming to me over the phone.. and I love that. I miss his strong hard chest and arms enfolding me in sleepy contentment. I miss feeling happy, so close to his body.
But I know I am loved as I am. Imperfections, foolishness and all. I am in love with him, the way he is... and he's in love with me. I can't be convinced to let go yet. I want him to get through this and move forward with other things.. now, if us becoming a couple, and his efforts don't match his words... that will be the reason for me to question him and me, and us, and we... for now, we've both got things to achieve. Boulders to move out of the path.

Today went fine, today... was good.

My guy had to leave work early today.. he'd called and woke me at a perfect time... I'd just hit the snooze button a few minutes before. He's in so much pain. I don't like this.

Later, after I'd gotten home from work, he was driving home from his CT scan for his feet. He's gotten word RE approval for his PET scan, too, it's scheduled for Wednesday. He asked why it would take two hours. I know the procedure. First, minor surgery as they inject the radioactive serum into his blood, through his spine. I explained how crucial this is, to make sure they know all the places ravaged by the cancer. Once in his system they'll send him through the PET scanning process.
Typically the kind of cancer that settles into his glands is called head and neck cancers. But I also know that other forms can spread there... and with the symptoms he's showing... well.. I'm being clinical me right now. I needed to tell him what he's facing. What to expect and the worst case scenario, in a light version includes cancer in his gastric system... stomach, colon. God knows I can't take that thought since that's what took my mother, and my cousin in 2011 and 2012, just 2 1/2 months apart. They were both too young to die. So is he. Best case due to his issues is a simpler version, parotid(right saliva gland) and sinuses/nose). I prefer that one to any of the others. I really, really do. He spoke with frustration and sorrow. He's had no clue what all of this was. What this means, how serious it is. This dear man of mine has never been as ill as he's been the past year and a half. He wasn't prepared for the pain he's already dealing with. Family and coworkers who don't usually reach out, are. It makes him uncomfortable. The focused attention is troubling this quiet man.

I wonder at times if I know too much about this for him to deal with. I worry that he's going to stop being able to handle all of my words. I don't want to loose this sweetheart of mine. But just knowing too much and not telling him what I know would be lying... hiding what he could have to face from him and he refuses to let me hide it, yet, he's hating what I'm advising him of, and I don't want him to hate me, too. But... so long as he wants me, and loves me, I'll try to softly teach him of all that's happening.
I love him so much, my dear friends... God knows how much I love him. Heaven help him... and me. How I wish I were making more of an income, so I could afford to fly to him each weekend. What a wonderful gift, even just once or twice a month for a couple of nights together. Ah well, that's me, dreaming again.

Please hold us in your prayers if you pray. If not then, reiki? or just send positive out into the ether, into the sky and send it filled with loving goodness. Think of me, think of him.

Life is short, my dears... and I'm wishing and hoping that we, he and I can have a long life together once this is over. I'm holding my breath, and catching myself when the tears flow too hard and fast... I've got to fight it, and pretend I'm not worried for him. I've got to use the power of love and positive to help him feel it all strongly. I want him to have confidence. I want him to be cheerful because of me and my love. Not worried for me or scared for himself.

I'm going to keep sending my love to him. He says I'm the one he never wants to stop hearing from, and that he needs my love in his life. He insists he's happier because I help him be that way. I love that role in his life. He's done that for me for nearly 2 years now... On Wednesday, is our 2nd anniversary of having met. Oh, I want to do something special for him. I just have no clue what I can do. But, nearly two years ago now, my best friend stepped into my life. Just flirting lightly teasing joyfully and sharing a love of music, TV and movies and getting to know one another and planning to be friends forever, soon afterwards. Who knew it'd come to us loving one another like this?

Life is short. Relish it. Make the most of it... and please, never hide your love from the ones who've earned it. To those here, who love me.. Thank you.. I NEED you and have needed your love and support. This is so hard for me.. and I thought life was a challenge before. I know I'll make it through it... But while he's becoming skin and bones... my thyroid and my inability to afford medical care... well... I'm getting heavier and heavier... and have no clue how to stop this from happening. Ironically I work for a company that represents one of the largest health insurance companies in the US... He has that company's insurance coverage. I have no insurance, due to the call center firm's inability to afford any for those of us making the low wages. I'll be a huge blimp in a in a year from the predictions for me, without medication and monitoring, even with my change in diet and adding work outs to my days and weekends. It is life. Well, mine, anyway. Bitter irony.

Time to get ready for bed now. Time to hope wish and dream... and time to search for a naturopathic resolution for me... Something that I can do for myself, to try to slow my own nightmares, so that I can help my daughter with hers, and my man with his.