I get to see this guy performing on Friday night... wooo hoo!!! Kick ass surfer dude music!

amazing, what a 12 minute Skyping conversation with a man with a damn sexy voice and eyes for me does to cheer me up. How I miss and love that man

one positive... I finally figured out how to pay my internet bill over the web. Yeah, one thing off my Fuck Me list!

Next... get food in our bellies. Hot dogs with relish, and who knows what else? I dunno. Just one thing at a time...

it's getting worse...

I'll just say, I'm feeling undone. I want to just roll over and wake up from this. But, I'll do my best. I'll try to make this sadness and discomfort and pain go away. I'll be his support. I'll be as positive as I can, for him and for his family RE the cancer spreading in his body. And... I'll dream of lovingly sexing him up, again. And of us.

I'll also pretend I believe that my daughter cares enough to recognize how she's siphoning every ounce of hope and happiness and energy and money all out of me. I'm trying. I really am trying to hang on.

wondering, concerned.. feeling weird inside. I'm tired of the emotional melt downs she has too often. I'm tired of wondering HOW... How am I going to pay this bill? how can I possibly afford to buy food this week? When am I ever going to get ahead? Why do I hope beyond any reality or practical bone in me, all say it's too much to expect, or believe I can achieve. I'll never be able to watch my daughter grow up. She refuses to to that. I'll never get to leave her knowing she's able to handle her life on her own. I'll forever be imprisoned by the sheer huge chore of being a mother of a special needs adult child who refuses to use the gifts God have her... a mind, a heart and intelligence, and a wicked sense of humor. I WANT her to grow the fuck up(sorry, potty mouthed again). I want to be able to grow up, too.. and enjoy life. God, I NEED a break from this... I'm tired of low wages, tired of being tired and swollen and lost.

I'm lonely for the man that I love and I'm stuck for now...
yes, I'm sorry... I'm complaining... but I feel overwhelmed for a moment... just a moment, I promise. I've got too much to hope and dream of. But right now, I'm struggling, hugely with my inadequacy, my deficiencies and ineptitude. I need a change... or two, or ten, in my life, if I'm to make good things possible... and I've no clue which way to turn, where to go, what to do...
I'm falling, I'm frustrated, I'm crying and... I'm overwhelmed.

106 degrees today??? I'm glad I was distracted from my sweat dripping down my spine with packing and helping Tall and Lanky, today. I'm also really enjoying creating my dream catchers. No sales though... *sigh* I'll be trying eBay tomorrow for two of them, just to see. I imagine there's not much of a market for odd things like these. Ahh, well.. I think I'll dive into some music, old, and new....

here's a golden "oldie" from when I was a kid.. still love his music

how hard it's become, to want a man so far away from me... the power of the attraction is great... but the need is far greater. And, my man has a need consuming him... You see, he was so ill when we'd spent that weekend he's forgotten the fine and tiny details.. and, now, the basic ones are slipping from his senses as well.

And, I admit, my need is becoming rather consuming. I NEED his touch, need his kisses, NEED to feel him claiming me in so many ways... and yet, this sweet man that I love is now in constant pain that ravages him. I want him to be well... ANd I want him to be fine... and I want to fulfill our achings and cravings.. I know it'll ultimately require that we be together for good. But oh, the heat of his words singes and sets a fire within me... I Want so badly. I need so completely. The longing is high.

Ah well... I have to be patient. I have to hope that someone will buy my Dream catchers on Etsy... or from me personally. I was so hoping they'd get notice, even just a couple of sales. I dunno what to think. All I can do is hope. I'll need to find a way to sell some of my things off. My set of gold clubs, a rack to hook on a hitch, anything I can, to make life easier and to make the trip happen. Either for him to come to me here, or for me to go there... It MUST be done. And.. I believe in making my way, decently...

Tonight he spoke of desire, of need and of a need to burn memories of my scent, flavor, scent and feel into his memory. He spoke of his desire to truly show me his love, his passion and experience mine to a greater degree than we'd had. He insisted he needs to have me again, soon. I reminded him of my need to have him come here, to be able to share these mountains, my home, and my life here, the acceptance, and more that he'd receive... and, a need to consummate our passion and desire, love and heat here... I need him to consider this place as a second home. And, to know how fully he'll be accepted and loved as the man I'm in love with.. and, the man who loves me. He's not the only one who needs to relive memories and create new ones. He isn't the only one who wants to taste, touch and make love... and unleash unbridled lusty heat...

*sigh* I'm on fire, tonight... How I wish it could be dealt with by him. By us...

this one is smaller. the other finished ones are 5 1/4" across. This one is 3 3/4" in diameter. I love Bali silver and hematite together.

sliding fingers over silk... soft, cool and sensually pleasing... Just as dreams are, yes? I have a few jobs when it comes to this sexy sweet and broken man that I love... to be his help, support, his advocate and nurse... and the woman that he desires, and the same woman who feasts upon him with heated desire. **smiles** honestly, he has yet to experience the last one. I pray he gets to do so, soon in the future. I love him in so many ways. And crave him as the man my heart beats happily for.

For now, I'm medical advisor, lover who reminds him of my need, dreams and interest(just as he sexily puts voice to his cravings) It's a pleasure to make love over the phone but I do hope I can love him again.. with no red tide, or discomfort next time. I've never had a man with such.. umm, dimensions. And, I can't complain one bit from the fact that he hits a brick wall in there at times, because he's gentle, a very tender lover, knowing I've been battered, torn, and abused in my past. I miss him. But I also know that he is in love with me, and adores me.

I'm going to do my best to be brave strong and well... myself. He's anxious. He's angry and scared too... with every right to be so. I'm more aware of his reality than he and his family are... I hate what I see in his health as patterns of metastasized and rampantly spread cancer. I refuse to let him go. Long ago... soon after starting our friendship, I told him he was stuck with me. We were tied or glued together. I had no clue just how fused together we'd become... or, how sweet it is to have such a wise, caring gentleman in love with and loving me.

Today, I had the pleasure of speaking with his lovely mother, after he'd told on me, to her... I love her and her sweet love of her children. And I know how concerned she is for him... and for me. And, today, I had the blessing of speaking with a man I love from this place. One of my dear friends, our wonderful TJ. Well, now he goes by Oldtroubador. A man I'm proud to call a good man and good friend. My guy also called me later this evening... simply to get my assurance and to remind me of how he feels about me. And to say he's going to need photos of my daughter as well as myself for his phone. And, informed me that everyone else already knew that he loved me before he professed it. True.

I don't know how long I have him as mine... but his heart is mine, his mind, too. And his body... hmmm, I claim it regardless of what shape it is in. I accept that I could lose him, very soon... or, that we might get to realize our desires wishes and dreams to grow old together. Life and love exist. We all must accept, move forward and evolve into our better selves, if we wish to be at our best, or to enjoy life fully. Time moves on. So do we. I worry and then steel that part of me so I can be my best self because of him.
Back to making dream catchers. They distract me. They take my mind to another place. And, if I can sell all of them... I might have enough from the sales, to pay bills and for another flight to Chicago. I need it. So does he. And so do his mother and family. It won't be easy because some of them don't like him loving white women. But I hope that meeting me will ease and lessen that. I love him and he loves me... Cancer is scary. And s are other things. But I can't let this break him, or hurt us.

My dream catchers are significant to me. Reclaiming something that lost its purpose.. the gears and spoke nipples. And creating something of worth, filled with hope that faith, hopes and dreams will be redeemed and put to use in our lives.. ALL our lives. And every one of them is a piece of my love, thoughts, hopes and dreams in a tangible form. I want to stay a dreamer. I would like my faith and hope to buoy and build others up. Make your dreams and good ideas become real things. Live. Love. Hope. Trust.

and, after some concerned questions regarding his situation and our relationship, and my desire for him... he told me that he'd considered ending our relationship.. not allowing it to continue... instead, he'd evaluated all of this and realized he wouldn't be happy nor would I... he didn't want me angry or hurt. He started to ask me to explain to his family members what he'll be dealing with... changed his mind, recognizing that some of his family members wouldn't want to hear it from me, his WHITE white woman... They're emotional, reactions will happen. He didn't want them angry at me, or angry at him. He's more concerned about anger, and the pain of others at this moment, than about what he's facing.
I didn't tell him all that I know and feel he's got the possibility to deal with.. multiple glands overtaken by cancer. metastasized and spreading throughout him. But I didn't.. because I COULDN'T do that to the most tender and thoughtful man I've even been with. I'm going to pray that this will be simple, but honestly I've got to be open to assisting him and his family through something more potent and painful. I KNOW far too well what chemotherapy does to a body. I know how cancer spreads like a brushfire, out of control and blossoms into something so huge, there's no way to slow it, or control it. I'm done over reacting until the next stage of this thing... Until the next newsflash, of hope filled or gloomy news. until then... Oh, God, please support me, so I can be brave and strong and keep myself focused. And please, please, bless him...

I'm making more of these dream catchers with the parts that Tall and Lanky gave me... He's going through so much himself... but my sweetheart, Mmm, he's the one I will focus my heart upon. He's the one that deserves it more than anything. I'm praying that I'll be able to afford to pay off debts, cover costs of repairs to this Camry of mine, and... if I can, be able to afford to go to him. I'll need to be there for him, and with him if chemo turns out to be mandatory. He's not used to pain and the extremes that this would cause. And he doesn't know about how insurances and all of that nightmare can get to be huge, grim and even more horrifying that it is for him, now. I want to be there, to comfort and support him. I hope I can make that happen.


This song is new to me... such energy and sweetness in the powerful words and music... Feeling like we were made for one another is something I've not felt before. I'm not sure anyone's truly MADE for someone else, or a perfect fit. After all, I've felt strongly that there are many people who can fit with one another and be happy, love one another deeply, respect and honor one another, too. Love is all these things, I do firmly believe that lust and infatuation aren't enough, nor, a few commonalities that mean a huge deal such as same church, same type of homelife... LOL, same political party, or same kind of car... We're all so imperfect. He told me how cracked and bruised, and discolored and broken he is, today... and I simply let him know that I'll love him, and cleanse his wounds, kiss his bruises and put salve upon his cracked and broken places... If he heals, it is his doing, not mine. and if he stays damaged, I'll accept and adore him that way too. That is friendship and love after all... Not searching for imperfections that need to be altered, but loving and embracing faults, weaknesses and broken, damaged souls. I know I'm far from perfect, far from healed, or whole... but I'm myself, no matter what... we all are imperfect, but acceptance and love smooth out those cracks and seams...