how to be brave... but I HAVE to. I HAVE to, for his sake as well as my own. I dreamed of this last month but I couldn't take it, refused to allow it to stay in my mind...

God, why him? Why now? Why just when we've discovered that we can have all we've dreamed of in each other? Oh hell, damn, fuck, fuck fuck FUCK!!!

Got to be strong, got to be hopeful. GOT to get myself the FUCK back over there ASAP! No vacation time, no sick leave, nothing to use, and I'm poorer than bleached dirt... FUCK, damn damn damn

today I helped my friend Tall and Lanky with a little bit of organization and packing since he's only got to this Sunday to be out of the place he'd been renting a room in. Inconsistent rent, and disrespect for the rules his landlord set, well... it's best for the landlord and I WISH it were a wake-up call to him, since Karma seems to be hitting this man on the head with one huge hammer these days. Anyway, last time I'd helped him, he'd given me some never used brand new gears and spoke nipples for racing bicycles --he used to work for a bike manufacturing company and built a couple for himself as a competitive racer. Anyway, spare parts that he needed t get rid of, and he asked if I could use them for something artistic. YES!!!!

So, I've been working on dream catchers... using the spoke parts as beads(spiders) threaded through the web and cascading down them as well... They're amazing to me! I hope that you enjoy seeing my latest creations. These are so much fun to craft, knotting the leather, hemp, and even wire as the webs building these dream catchers is a delight, so far... and please, uderstand this is my own unique idea and craft.. I'm hoping they'll sell, so I can bring in a little bit of money to pay off bills and MAYBE even sock away a bit for the future... I Do happen to still need car repairs, meds for the kid, bills paid off and I NEED to put aside a bit each month for a trip to Chicago, or... for a U-Haul moving van. Basically, I'm going to dive back into artwork and making these little things, to earn $$$ that is much needed.

I hope that you enjoy these:
Blue and gold


This one uses wooden beads and leather cording as well as the large gear and blue and gold spoke nipples (I still get a dirty giggle over their name).






and this one has wire, green button pearls a golden vitange flower charm and gold spoke nipples (**tee hee** there's that word again)

that the Blackhawks won the cup... but then I'm cheering for two again.. another time when my guy's power is out when the game is important to any Blackhawk fan... *sigh* this time, to to hurricane/tornado weather. Broken limbs all over gust and torrential rains.. and a man so bent he's using every cuss and swear and making up a few to fill in the blanks.. well, not even close to that, really.. but the feeling was clear.. Sheer frustration for my sweetheart as he chose to hang up instead of pour out more expletives on an already low spirited woman. I don't know why I'm so weepy and resigned.. so feeling lost and forelorn... sad lonely and like I'm doomed to give up on my dreams and hopes, and become a recluse or simply remove myself from social settings for who knows.. years, maybe?

Reality is crashing down around me, making me feel that this is unattainable. I'm bleary eyed and feeling I have no control... that I'm dreaming of something too good to be true. Weighed down by a few harsh things... and fighting to maintain composure. I promise I won't do anything rash and foolish. No shagging tall and lanky, and no ending the relationship I treasure so much. But I'm just not sure about some things right now...

Let's go back to the blackhawks. They won. They proved their determination, record and strength... They conquered and gave a good show of it... Yes, I'm glad to know that they won.

just came across this group again. First time I've thought of their music in a long while... love their harmonization...

is a glorious feeling and thought, for it is more a realization, that elicits emotional response. *Smiles*

I ponder and replay fragments of past conversations with the man who's become such an integral part of my life. And even now, I'm learning what love is for and to him... and what his love manifests as, now while we're so far away... and how he desires to express it to me in person too.

Yesterday he asked my ring-size. And I do know why... after all, this man means business. He has never acted so elated and sure and in love by a sister's comments to me. They all know he's got the woman he needs and wants in his life, in me. I love my man. And every time he expounds my virtues and perfections he moves me deeply. He's healing me, even now. YES, my sweet friends, I've had others tell me of them, too. TJ, ThicknHardforU and several others have, and they too have healed me greatly... but I'm finding that having the man I've grown sweetly into love with expressing loving devotion and acceptance so tenderly, both in person and continued even more sincerly, strongly and openly is something very powerfully refreshing, pure and perfect. I've never felt so loved by a man in all of my life. I do mean that... Never has anyone so plainly and honestly enjoyed expressing his love for me, until now. I know he's seldom given this to any woman as he has with and to, and for me... I've spoken with the two women who've stayed by his side all his life... his mother and his oldest sister. And they both express gratitude and amazement at the changes in him, his drive, his life... I thank God for him in my life as well... and, oh, please don't take him away from me too soon...

We're waiting to see if this mass in his cheek is a tumor. I'm looking at his other symptoms and I'm troubled. I work in the health insurance industry. I have family members who're doctors and nurses, too... and, I've had family members die of cancer recently. There may come a time quite soon, that I'll be dying over here, because I want and need to be over there, for him. They've already posed the chance of cancer. But I'm concerned that if this lump IS cancerous, that it's spread. He's got some symptoms in other places... lymph glands, and other things that were making me edgy. It wasn't until yesterday when he'd asked how they'd remove the tumor and what ways they'd treat it, that I stated putting all the pieces of niggling concern into a pattern.

I know that I am loved by the man who needs me the most in his pain filled life. A man who's been strong until just last year. A man who's gentle, tender, affectionate, loving and yet, a powerfully built and wonderfully strong man in mind and spirit. I'm praying mightily now... that I will get to be by his side for a long time to come... until we're old and grey and wrinkly. And oh, I want so terribly to be there, by his side now. To support and comfort him, and to be there, when he chokes out tenderly how much he'd love to make love to me... right now, Dawn... I want to hold you close and make love slowly. Oh, God, I want that so much.

I want him to know as sweetly and absolutely how much I love him. And how much I feel my heart and soul is bound to him already... and, even though on the 3rd, we'll celebrate 2 years of knowing one another, it feels like we've barely begun at times... and at others that we've known one another for eternity. We were destined. We fit so very well it's impressive to me. I want him to know how much I love him... and how his love affects me.

tonight is the last night that this group as it is, will be performing. Travis, their drummer is quitting to continue performing with another local band, Von Andeck... both are trios with young men who're friends, performing together. Issac Farr trio has just released several new songs this last couple of months, which is very nice. I've seen more new work from the local bands recently, than I'd expected, all, wonderful to me. Anyway, I hope that you'll enjoy Iz(Issac), with his mature and raspy voice, and 60's-70's influenced music.

I'm going to this concert, tonight with my buddy Tall and Lanky, as I was the first to see them with him, and American Hitmen and a couple others... I've enjoyed the exposure to so much music. And I'll miss these guys that I've gotten to hug and have them call me by name and seem pleased that I go to their performances... Royal Bliss, Issac Farr trio, American Hitmen, Cody Jordan band, King Niko, Opal Hill Drive, Jagertown and more.

What a wonderful thing video chatting is for people like me... so far away from the man I love, yet able to see him whenever we can make it happen. I miss him, and yet, I'm able to fill up my eyes, mind and heart with the moments we two can share. Knowing that our friendship blossomed in such a glorious way, and has become the finest dearest relationship I've ever experienced with a man. Yes, folks, I'm a woman in love with someone who suits me wonderfully well! for those who've video chatted with me, in the naughty way... the weird thing is, I love, and lust for my sweetheart greatly, yet, I'm capable of being umm, (biting lips) relatively pure. Yes, I do often strip down to the panties and nothing more, NOW, that we're officially a couple who truly exclaim to the world that we're in love, and respect, and that we plan to be together... soon as we can be. I'm less naughty than I've been in a couple years.... I feel I'm calming, settling into a wonderful purpose and role. I'm a mother, yes, daughter, sister, aunt, cousin, neice, and friend... and, I'm a girlfriend for the First time in my entire life... I get to experience this role. And, I'm THE woman a dear, tender gentleman wants to share and fill his life with.

Two nights in a row, I've gotten to see my sweetheart... the man that I love more than any other man. It still makes me pause to wonder... why and how he could allow himself to both feel this way for me, and be so willing and desirous to proclaim it to me, comfortably.. happily. I promise that I'm trying to learn and to accept it at face value... but, for me, it's not easy... you see, men have hidden me as their dirty little secret. They've played with me, like a past coworker used to say... I was their favorite broken toy. Cast it aside, yet, fond memories and you've got to pick it up, toy with it, or put it on a shelf to collect dust and just go to waste. I'm no longer that cast off that no one wants to admit he's enjoyed. I'm no longer feeling like I've got nothing to show for the love I've felt. I no longer weep lonely and aching and in pain because of some foolish words and the realization that there's nothing to the rlationship I had with a man. THIS man has talked for hours, about me and my daughter to his family friends and coworkers... and, (smiles) you know I do the same. Oh, how I want to hurry myself up. Hurry my daughter's efforts to get onto her feet ASAP... and how I NEED to put things into order. Debts, car repairs, another trip to him, or from him, to me... I NEED him, oh, how I NEED him. I was in tears tonight, seeing him in pain, and not being there to comfort him... I so do miss him and those soft full lips kissing me tenderly, his arms gently wrapped around me as if I might break... and... he sees me as wonderful the way I am. I've never had anyone fill in the faults and fissures within my very flawed self to view me as perfect As-Is...
Oh, God, how thankful I am

*sigh*

my man may tolerate my friendships with Tall and Lanky for now... but I can tell he's seen too much of him on FB, and really can't take hearing his name. I understand, really. Lanky is the one other man besides my ex-husband who's screwed up royally with thoughtless behaviors and words, enough to actually hurt me to a bit of an extreme. And, he's been intimate with me, been in my home as a guest, sharing meals and watching TV and movies with myself and my daughter. To my sweetheart, that man has never warranted that sort of place in my life and heart. Anyway, I'm in flux right now. Caught between where I am now with my love for and from my loving boyfriend,still dealing with loosening up the friendship with a man who's been trying to get my interest since last summer/fall when I'd walked away from our friendship with benefits and then accepted his help when I was in need of rides, etc this winter... I'm working to make things clear for both my husband to be and a man who lives in a fantasy world, and clings to my kind little heart as if I were ever able to believe he could be the one for me... no. We talk about how my One is doing, and Lanky has been talking with me of costs of flights to go see the woman who still seems to see the best, I guess he gave it to her when she was here... I hope so, I am his friend... I'd like to see him discover that someone who can bring out his best naturally.
And mmm, I am my sweetheart's Girlfriend.. his woman. I know which man has always shown appreciation respect and adoration. I know I LOVE my man more than I felt I ever dared expressing... and I DO express my love for and to him, to him, and well.. to everyone who sits still long enough! I still love men who've crushed me... but Tall and Lanky.. he's a friend... like a classmate, someone who takes it for granted that I'll always be there... and who's terrified of the truth. So for now, I am here and my lover and mate is over there. And a friend still tries to ask me to fill up his emptiness with the things a couple do together.. The things that are simple yet comfortable and comforting inn a loving, trusting relationship. Those were things we did together when I was without a car, and when one or both are tight budgeted we still do. But thankfully, for me, those days are long gone... since the dream I'd had of this gentleman of mine... there's been this curious and peacefully RIGHT tug, or pull from MY MAN... the best friend I have had in a man.. That's the man I get to plan to go to, live with, grow old wrinkly and geriatric with...

Life is lovely... I've got the love of a genuine man. A man who's capable of being reasonable, logical and yet, giving, tender, romantic and who is more than sure that I'm the woman who helps him feel joy and happiness in his life. A man who's planning to work all his life to help me feel happiness, heal, and know that I'm as wonderful as he's sure I am...


Right now... at THIS very moment, I'm waiting for him to put his purchases away, from a shopping trip to get himself a few needed things, with me along for the ride... to guide him through the aisles to the things we've discussed. I'm going to enjoy those shopping trips even more, in person. Day to day mundane things like that are actually fun, well, for me, anyway, when with someone I adore. We got a taste of it when I spent my weekend, 5 weeks ago now. I'm waiting for my man to get settled in and prepared to see *D* half dressed, as is usual for me, once my door's chained and bolted for the evening. My daughter's enjoying her new laptop... her dad bought it for her today. And, I'm eager to spend a while skyping with the man I love, crave and enjoy a strong tie with.

I'll be working on my resume ASAP... need to email it to his sister, so she can make contact for me, RE jobs there, in the Chicago area. I'm enjoying the thought that my man's family wants to dive in, to help us make this work. And, I can't be happier that my life has a direction to move in... one with rich green and brilliant blues of life at a lower elevation, and more humid climate... MUCH better for this little rainforest/tropical flower. I need water, the scent, sound, feel of it in the air and in my lungs.. the sounds washing through me, and the joy it instills me with... I hunger for lush green flora, for the oxygen rich sweetness of it... And, so... I really comprehend the eagerness I'd felt at the thought of being down there, up north...

I hope he gets ready for me... soon.

It's interesting... today, I opened letters from my ex-mother-in-law.. and realized that... I'm the only ex-in-law still on her family mailing list... Wow... but then, I love fully and sweetly. and I actually DO still love that insane family I was a part of.

And, today, my sweetheart called on his way to his mother's. A second week for him to take time to stay at his mother's.. which I actually encourage. I know she misses the days when he'd lived with her and helped her while fighting cancer. Yes, he's sort of a Mamma's boy. But I adore his Mom, and want him to heal.. he can relax in her home. He's not doing well... and today, he apologized for not taking care of himself.. for being a cause of worry. He promised me that he plans to change that. And reminded me that he wants to lead a long and healthy life with me.. we've got a lot of lost time to make up for. Oh, how I love him... He recognizes how sweetly our friendship grew, replays conversations perfectly, and pointed out that had he been willing to accept the love he had started to feel for me, he insists we'd already be married. *smiles* No regrets, no hindsight. I love his gratitude.. his desire to spend a lifetime thanking me for rescuing him. He insists that I have.. he rescued me, too, though. Today, his mom told me how happy she is that I'm in love with her son. Appreciates me for what I've done in his life, and that I want to be his. She thanks me, and was so sweetly tender with me, eager to speak with my daughter, too... I told her, she will one day soon.. it takes time for my girl to talk with anyone new. Social anxiety is a curse she carries, due to raging humiliating verbal abuse from her father... but she is learning.. Anyway, I have a huge family. My guy has informed me of how thankful they are that I'm planning my future to intertwine with his. Our path is set. And we both have family and friends who rejoice. I'm impressed. My ex-family is still family, because they were friends to me for years now... they're cheering me on. And his family.. well, it seems that they're ready to embrace that white girl of his, as family, too. I'm lucky. I'm blessed. And he insists that he is, too.

I'm lucky, because of all the love.