feeling this way, about the man I adore, and even more... about the relationship we've been building over the past nearly two years. July 3rd will be the 2nd anniversary of the day that we met. I honestly can't imagine a more lovely thing to celebrate.

Today my sweetheart and I enjoyed lusty words of desire and curiosity... of love and eagerness. and of deep appreciation for the peaceful contentment, security and sureness, the joy and anticipation.. we don't just fit well body to body... we love each other for who we each are. We feel peace knowing we are in love with the person we want, value and see so much good in... we are determined to pursue this further, and one another. He told me that he's hated his past enough to dread the day he'd have to bare his truths and risk losing the one he loves. He'd explained he's still in fear of me being unable to see past his past, for which he'd paid far too dearly (in my opinion)... and walk away to shatter his world. He kept talking, I'd started to interject and thought no.. listen to him, D... he's baring his soul to you, sharing openly just how much he loves and is In love, with you... anyway, when he was finished, it was my turn... oh, how silently he clung to each word. I told him he's still the same man I fell in love with. A good, gentle and caring man. Gentle and soft spoken... and regardless of what HE thinks.. a handsome man inside, and out. I told him I'm not a judge. I told him of self-forgiveness, and of my firm belief that it's not my place to forgive, judge, punish or demand... I reminded him of my love for him, and the healing power it can bring. I reminded him of the fact that I'm not the one who's demanded a debt be paid. Or would ever use his pain against him. I told him that the man I care for and am in love with was on the phone at that very moment with me.. and, I informed him that I'd stand by his side and support him calmly and strongly all my life so long as he's the man who cherishes me.

I've never felt like this before. Never been loved so surely, sweetly and fully. It isn't just words... it's looks, touch, actions and sacrifices. WE'd be poor, financially, perhaps.. but richer by far with loving support, respect, trust and fidelity. I'll take that any day over the comfort of comfortable savings, money, jewels and expensive luxuries. I was given that the last few hellish years of my marriage. Trust and honor. Mutual admiration. peace, joy and absolute faith in our relationship.. are all the most precious treasures I could possibly wish for... the rarest gifts, gems of lovingly crafted perfection.

I'd wanted to go to the Grand opening concerts for Royal Bliss's bar/grill/club, just down the street from me one of the two days the were officially performing and celebrating.. But Friday was a work day.. and my sweetheart wanted to skype with me once more, so I'd stayed home, even though Tall and Lanky's dark mood was pulling me to want to go to help change that mood. Skyping was and will be more and more important for my guy and I as we feel the pull of needing to completely and permanently be connected. Anyway... Saturday night, I had Tall and Lanky come over for supper and a movie with me. We went, spur of the moment to the Royal and found friends that we've known for a while. Today he suggested I go spend time with him again, because I was in a kind of funk. We talked of my sweetheart and the serious issues posed RE our(mine with my guy that I love)relationship's future as a couple. Lanky simply pointed out to me that we'll have to spend plenty of time skyping, talking and being together as much as possible to make sure we're both strongly enough invested as a couple, and that we're still compatible and ready to face all challenges we might have before us. I'm grateful for this man's friendship and support. For being able to take a peculiar lusty started relationship into purer realms and build a real and supportive friendship. And even though he's jealous, I know my friendship is important enough that he wants my happiness more than he wants me.

Today when speaking with my sweetheart, he posed hopes of my ability to be an office manager for the business as it expands. I'd love having the opportunity to work for the good of the business and the partnership he's in. I'll be taking classes free through the company I do call center work for. And I'll take advantage of every free class and offer of help. Including the ones from my sweet daughter. I'm lucky. I love a man who sees a real future for us. We're In love as well as loving one another for who we each are.And I've got a support system that makes an impact. Hugs and thanks to all my dear friends. Yes, that does mean you!!!

I'd rather not think too deeply on the entry I'd just posted today.. I'm confused and aching over it... so, instead, I'll let you listen to this song that I love from my favorite Utah grown band... As always, it was wonderful to get hugs from roadies and of course. Neal... the leader of that wonderful rock band last night. I know I'm still glad I felt that Tall and Lanky needed time together last night... and that it was right, to go with him to The Royal, in hopes of seeing the guys there. He's in an emotional trainwreck... and I'm well... having to make some seriously impactful choices at the moment.

Enjoy... and listen to the message... I believe that it represents true friendship.. and love.

I've gained a love of music from those who've shared their joys and favorite music and groups with me... this was one from an album given to me by the first mentor in separation and divorce... life and love, that I'd had.. a laid back Puerto Rican, who'd been my first lover after kicking my ex out. Rebound? maybe... But I still value the lessons I learned at his hands, and side.He actually got to have a jam session with these men... and Carlos Santana himself, joined in on it. I was at that time dealing with knowing my mother was dying. My daughter had run away from home with a man that made her insane father look healthy.. and I felt all alone. Instead of getting to go to my mother's side along with my sisters, I was home, and instead of with that man as I'd wanted to be.. I went to support one of my nieces at her school concert. A promise to my baby sister was worth keeping. The man I've mentioned had cruelly thrust me away, scared of loving a married woman, and unwilling to hold and support me through the dramatic and hellish time in my life... to name a few of our issues. But the love of this music still remains. He was a mentor in life, love and pain. So I'm grateful that I learned at least a little of the messages I'd needed to heed. I love Abraxas Pool. Perhaps, some day I'll get to see them in concert.

planning for a future... focusing on a life of hope, and love, giving and goodness... Maybe dreaming isn't such a bad thing, after all...

I need to know more about the man I love. I need to know my own self better as well... I wonder if I'll ever understand human nature, love, joy, heartache, hope... I worry and think more about simply distancing myself from the world. From the men who've affected me and my life... and the hope of ever letting love into my life. Too many secrets. Too much confusion. Too much... I don't know what else to say.

though I suppose I understand it. Jealousy over making dreams come true. Finding out that my relationship with my man is as sweetly dear and tender as it's been for almost two years now. jealousy over attention. Jealousy over who wins my love. Jealousy over who has me in his arms... and jealousy over who gets to spend time with me... Ahhh, well.... complexities of friendships, family and love.

I don't like learning that some people don't want what they had until they see it in someone else's hands. I feel disappointment when someone doesn't see what they'd had in their lives as positives... ever. Too many people are so selfishly focused upon themselves.... they forget that in order to have the best in life.. the must first GIVE their best... only THEN can they find true happiness... in GIVING.... only then, shall they receive...

and mmmmmm, this one... GOTTA LOVE the Drifters...


as I get to spend time on the phone.. and Skyping with my dearheart... instead of coming undone with loneliness, like I expected to feel... I rejoice, and smile more freely, hugely, completely... and I LOVE how that feels. While I admit that I miss his warm embrace, him asking me to come closer or wrap my arms around him... I love knowing his thoughts and seeing the light in his eyes knowing it's there just for me... yes, I'm a woman in Moosh... Sappy and weird, but so content. And Some kind of Wonderful is what I feel. yup... definitely feels wonderful!

hmmm the Drifters... just one more.. ok?

I haven't shared all that's been happening... not here, anyway... The man I love has poured himself out over me in our conversations... and they've been needed times together. Our weekend solidified a few things more surely for him that I'd thought. Including a sober admission of something that he'd feared would make him lose me. It didn't... to me it was the only reason he was in my life. So I thanked him for the courage it'd taken to risk losing me to share his truths fully with me. I don't love him any less. It wasn't as huge to me as so many of my own trials and secret pains... anyway, he's more sure of my love than I guess he's been... and unleashed his own on me in a wave of joyous words in almost poetic prose. He forgets I know him as I do... and I'm grateful he knows mine, too... He knows I'm as unfamiliar with loving words and touch as a starving soul can be... he's choked out his sorrow that Id' dare ask him if he would ever regret loving me.. and consider himself making due with me... after all, he could have had everything, had so much back before one foolish mistake. He'd never have known me. And, he's starting to become himself again because of his determination to live again, and work to support a family... us, me, my daughter and himself. He's cultured, self made and self aware... I told him he will have a time when he doesn't need me. That started a chain of loving tender words washing over me... of his determination to prove me wrong, and show his need for me as well as desire for me... ALL of me. I still see the broken child who was impoverished humiliated in rejects from the Salvation Army store... yes, really... ME. I was poor beyond poor... humiliated subject to taunts and torture.. abuse and cruel mocking from childhood through teen years... It's why I couldn't believe anyone could possibly see any beauty in me... or anything worth being around me. I've been broken almost all of my life. Shattered and battered by the cruel words, actions and attitudes of peers, grown ups, and those who should show love and kindness. A child who didn't know she was dying and on chemotherapy for years... all I knew was... I was sick all the time. my hair turned white for a while after it'd started to fall out in tufts. I was bloated, aching and miserable... I threw up without any notice and felt like my body was being torn to bits and turned inside out, every day, and nights... well, anyway... I was taught I was a slave to my family from the time I was tiny. My mother used me like Snow white or Cinderella. I lived that dark part of their lives... I knew I'd never live the fairy tale flip side.. just the cold and hurt filled one. Fairy tales are lies I used to moan while letting hot tears flow as I screamed silently into a pillow as a girl... I knew that no matter what, I'd love the fairy tales and dreams. The wishes and hopes that refused to let me let go. I couldn't ever follow through when I'd wanted to take my own life... My man mentioned how what we're experiencing is the fairy tale that no one knows how to make come true. He explained that we'd figured it out. We both have this innate desire to tend to and care for one another.. and that very easy natural desire to take care of and love one another, and help lift each other up is the part that makes the fairy tales reality. So.. maybe fairy tales Do come true? I think I'd really like that. And.. I'm learning after all these years, due to good people here... and the devotion of one certain man whom I want as my mate for life.... by his consistent words of loving positive... that I am loved for who I am... and that I'm worthy of it. One day... one day I may be able to fully take that in and believe it... perhaps... one day... oh, do you KNOW how much I NEED to believe it? It's so hard at times... but I DO try. I promise you that... but my dears, when you're broken so utterly by so many people in your life who mean all to you... you learn to give up on hope and dreams and fairy tales even though those things are what help you forget the pain and live.. because something deep inside wants that rescue. Wants to be proved wrong and wants to wake up and feel like the ugly duckling who became a swan.

Lately my tears are only those of joy and awe. I'd given up on any romance. But I'm being taught that romantic souls are still around. I'm in love with one. Anyway, thought I'd share a little bit of how special my conversations have become since my trip.

that is still relatively new to me... more to grow to love.