we spent most of our time together, sleeping, resting in bed in our room... Smiles... yes, mostly naked. I miss his comfortably relaxed breathing. I miss his body warm and ready to hold me. His powerful big hands with gracefully long fingers that enclose mine as if they're delicate or tiny. I miss him asking me to put my arms around him, or to lay with my head on his shoulder. I miss him asking me to work his poor pain-filled shoulder over and how he groaned with pleasure insisting I made him feel good, massaging it with my weak hands. I miss kisses and gentle tenderness. I miss him.

I know he won't mind me sharing this simple view of the man I love. A view that would start me quietly slipping in close against him, for a cozy cuddle. Simple and pure, just closeness with the one I adore.



I don't know when I'll be able to be with him again. For now, I'll dream.

In absolute awe of the way I'm being shown and reminded of who I am... that I am genuinely good, kind giving, loving... lovely, attractive funny, sweet, gentle... and that I am wonderful... As I grow to believe his words... and am reminded of what he loves about me I feel grateful.. I feel loved. I feel utterly desired, and wanted not just for my body and what I do.. but for who I am.. he wants me completely... I have never been anyone's girlfriend. I have never been so sweetly treated. I'm not sure how to BE a girlfriend. I have never been so bold and forward. Never taken the risk of getting hurt as deeply as I could be this time. I have for the first time expressed my feelings fully, my hopes and dreams surely. And informed a man that he is everything I want in my man. He's expressed much of that to me.. and for the past several months has reminded me of every turn, change and twist to the once relatively platonic friendship that has so sweetly become a beautiful creation we've watched grow for our relationship.He informed me that he liked the slip of my tongue a couple days ago when called him my boyfriend.. and then told me when he'd seen that in his mind.. I was his girlfriend.
And, yes... he says he knows he is lucky to have found me.

my photo software is ruining my files again *sigh* I'll be trying to reduce the photos in other ways.... sorry... so much to share... and so few that are working.







more later...

I'm in love with a man far away from me... he's spent over 2 hours saying the same in details that made my eyes flow and my nose tingle. He told me every aspect of me that he adores, admires and wants. He told me that the constraints he'd had before upon his desire hmm, basically went out the window. And he's asked only a few things of me. I'll be sending him a hard copy and digital copy of the wonderful photo of us prior to boarding the tour boat we'd ridden. The hard copy is to be his to give to his mother, and I think that is the perfect thing for us to give to her.. I'm going to do the same for my Daddy.

I've never been told these things. I've never had a man want me so beautifully and fully. I have no clue how to deal with this and how perfect it feels and has felt. My tears are falling like a waterfall... cascading down my cheeks and off the tip of my pointy nose. He sees me as perfect. As wonderful, and beautiful. I'm not familiar with those words. Are they for real? Yes... I know they are, my friends.. but such things are so rarely uttered about ME.. This woman. This is wonderful. This experience is so novel, yet so absolutely right. This man in Illinois, so far from me expresses everything that I feel simply, directly, and completely. No coercion was placed upon him. No begging by me to know how he felt or if he cares. No need to ask for just one thing he likes about me to believe that it might be worthwhile to allow my heart to open up fully to him. He chose to take a huge step tonight. I am so at peace with radiant joy...

Tall and Lanky ended up spending time with me after all... It was a fantastic hike! And we both were in a good mood. I'm glad for the friendship we've created out of the ashes of our sexual friendship... this kind is far better than the one I had before with him. Anyway, we enjoyed climbing over rocks and streams and the river where it runs shallower... There were tracks, scat and flowers in bloom, a baby snake and more to find... all in addition to the WATER which I crave and adore. When the hike was over we went back to my place for a hamburger dinner, with salad and dessert, and... we watched The Hunger Games with my daughter. During the movie I left them alone to watch it... My guy had called to have me to talk with and spend time with on his drive home from work... it's one of our rituals we've kept for nearly a year now. We talked of the impact of our spending time together... of his conversations with family and his business partner, and of how his mother really does like and love me after so few calls and chats with me. And, he talked about how little he expresses his thoughts and feelings, and seldom dares use the words, love, want, need... of hw he'd wanted to be selfish, marry a woman with grown children who didn't need her, instead of someone like me who's going to be needed for the rest of her life by her daughter... and, of how he'd make sure, just as he does now, that I spend time with her and on her, regardless of how he'd planned life to be. He spoke of how he must care deeply for me due to that determination. Spoke of his admissions of telling his partner that I'm planning to go back ASAP, no matter what it takes to afford the trip... and of his plans to fly here, towards the end of the year. And, that if all of that still moves us forward as we both believe... we'll be talking of commitment, of being close enough to be there for and with one another, permanently.My sweetheart told me of how significant my determination to go back to him before his trip to me will come up. He spoke of how important I'd become to him, in a seemingly short period of time.. and that he actually wants to go to sleep beside me and wake up again, beside me.. that my pussy is the one he'd love to have as his to enjoy all his life.. While he avoided saying the L word, as is his way... he kept circling around it pointing it out as well... for that word and others he doesn't take lightly. He listened to my sharing too.. and my teases that not only would he share me with my daughter... he'd need to put up with me spending time with and being loved by his sisters and his mother. I chuckled at that since he's still in awe at how genuinely his mother loves me... and how quickly his favorite sister and I had seemed to bond and get along. **smiles** I'm not going to refuse the possibility of a long and full future with this man... because I can see it glimmering in the sunlight in front of me... Instead I'm going to hold the thoughts and enjoy every phone call... and every moment when and if we get to have them in person, as well... Oh, how I want to be held by this man... how I yearn for the true opportunity to explore one another and our relationship further. We're asking questions, answering them and talking about our habits, our interests our patterns more now... we've been honest from the beginning, but now we're focusing on a whole other level of importance, and need for sharing. I was on the phone with him throughout most of the movie. I know both my tall friend and my daughter were uncomfortable being left alone, but they were able to joke and tease and poke fun at me and other things. It was cool. I'm glad to have a friend who understands how my guy feels and is trying to both be my supporting friend and respect the fact that my man hates him due to both having had me, and not appreciating me, and having hurt me... it's life. I'm lucky. I feel loved and valued. And I'm working towards simplifying my life. Selling off things I don't need, letting go of the past and preparing for a brighter future... I'm blessed.

By the way, I'm planning to share photos from the hike... it'll be tomorrow when I post pix.. erm, I mean, later today. I'm tired and need to fix the photo files.

sweet dreams, my friends...

though I feel that I'd started the day off right... diddling myself to an orgasm after having badly awakened to another one of my nosebleeds... help

and after nodding off again after that early climax, I was awakened by a call from my sweet man... how I treasure him.

I got dressed, a bit of shopping accomplished, a bill paid and chores done. even planned a hike up in the canyons with Tall and Lanky. We'll see if it happens.

I was replaying conversations with my dear Alex, and got to the point where I replayed him talking of his questions, distancing himself and how it's silliness. I started thinking of practicalities, realism, and our situations, both fiscal and geographic. Eyes pooled with tears I came to recognize that, perhaps he's NOT being silly, but I am... I recalled my stubborn dreaming and holding on in futile desperation to my marriage all those terrible long nightmarish years. I thought of letting go of every man who's hurt me, cut me down... I wondered why I still feel I've got a purpose in Tall and Lanky's life. And I started asking myself why I'm being so selfish with myAlex. Why am I clinging to a dream. For honestly it is a dream. A dream of being with the man I feel closest to in every way. WHY do I feel so close to someone so far away? Am I scared, too scared to open myself to someone here, and close, and in the same location as am I? Am I feeling so broken that I feel I can only have something with someone far away, and not close enough to touch and see and be with here, and now? And contemplating telling him he's been right all along, that we're too far away. Too incapable of making this work and become reality. I don't want to discover how selfish I'm being by insisting we can make long distance work... we're both poor, and struggling. I'd rather let him go, so he can find happiness... so he no longer feels "Silly," when he's thinking realistically. And... *sigh* I'm suspecting I am scared. Scared of fighting to make it happen, and then watching it turn out poorly. Failing, and not being able to reach that goal/dream. And scared that once I do I'll have to leave and let go anyway.

I'm not going to call and destroy all hope. Not now, anyway... but I will release those tears and let them flow freely. Let them wash away some of that sorrow and doubt... accept that I felt it and hold onto the concern that perhaps we both need to recognize and accept is there in both of us... for, it IS.

I'd thought of sharing it with the tall one... but just yesterday, my friend who works beside me.. and HATES him for how he's hurt me in our past... pointed out how he still lingers near me.. finds his way like an infatuated boy towards me... or perhaps a lost puppy dog who's been petted a few too many times so it will follow the hand that was gentle. He kind of came undone yesterday when I'd told him of how my guy wants us to think and plan seriously. Talked of moving US... me and my daughter there, to be with him. He'd gotten suddenly up and left in a flash, soon after settling comfortably in an empty seat beside me. I love that gangling and foolishly thoughtless pathological liar. I admit that. And he's admitted that he loves me, for who I am, to me as well... we ARE friends, after all. But even though just before the trip he'd gotten angry at the idea that I'd end my hope for, and search for a man to be by my side and included himself in the male population who deserved a change at something with me... I can't trust him to ever be faithful, ever want me as the one to be exclusive with. I'm not sure I can believe ANY man could want that, to be honest.. not after all the things I've been through from the man I 'd married to the men I've been with... Yes, I AM scared. I'm terrified of loving and of not being loved in return. I'm frightened of not being cherished as so many insist I deserve to be... what if I DON'T deserve anything good? What if all I will ever be is the stepping stone to the ONE they choose to be with? Yes... I am scared. Even after sweet and tender and aching tender words from my darling man in Illinois. I've never had this. I've never been loved and cared for by any man enough to follow through. Alex doesn't use that word often. He's used it twice with me... I wonder if he recalls that. He does love the feeling of being loved, by me... he likes to remind me that I've told him of my love. He tells me I'm wonderful. Perfect, special. He tells me I'm worthy of being loved and wanted. And still... I'm scared. I'm not built to be alone, my friends... I yearn to have a partner, to share my life and bed and very soul with.

wiping tears away... I need to just listen to some music... forget my terror, sorrows and sadness. My longing and fears... my doubts and troubles... and let my smile find me again...

If tall and lanky doesn't come to get me for a hike.... I'll just go out somewhere... alone.

the drawback of being able to go to him now... is trying to figure out just how to afford a repeat of that kind of time together... only, better prepared, better timed... and hopefully... more time to explore what we want, what we're watching evolve even faster... sweeter, deeper... We now NEED to be together. Ahh well... motivation, yes? the knowledge of how his breath feels upon my skin... his lips on mine and our bodies entwined is and will be a great motivational tool. But the knowledge of how we feel about what we have had, and what we now know we've got, is at least as powerful.

Thank you to those who cheer me through this.. thanks to one beautiful friend who helped in a wonderful way to make this possible... and thank you to others who were at the ready to step up and fill in where needed... I want you to know that this thanks is not just from me.. but from this dear loving and humbled man who made it clear we have thanks to share with you here. And he loved what I told him I'm creating as my gift of both our gratitude to one special lady, a wonderful friend to so many here...

Tonight, we had a longer conversation than perhaps planned.. but we both had serious thoughts weighing upon our minds and hearts. We both are reasonable, practical souls... Analyzing pouring over and determining reality and so on. Anyway, he clarified something today, after my daughter flew into a blind and scared raging, that he knew why. He knows about her father.. the man she calls simply her genetic contributor. He knows of his thoughtlessness and cruelty. Of calloused attitudes and an inability to express positive, love, appreciation and a determination to be an involved supportive and loving parent. This dear man advised me that the man I'll be with has to be special. He has to be worthy of me and my daughter. He has told me over and over how my relationship with her is the most important one I have. Any man who loves me would see and want it to remain. I told him of selfish men who walked away from the pain and "drama" and might return briefly when it subsided. Of men wanting me to get her on her feet or drop her on her father's doorstep. How selfish that sort is. He told me he can understand that they just want into my pants. They weren't willing to take on a daughter with problems. Long story shortened... My sweetheart informed me we both have serious things to consider... and that he knows how reasonable we each are. But also explained that when he talked of the man.. he means himself. He let me know he feels unworthy due to his financial situation.. He reminded me of my willingness to relocate.. and that he presumes that includes the delightful "Special K," my daughter. That it never enters his mind that I would be expected to leave her behind...or, even more... wanted without thoughts of bringing as part of US. He sees us as a team. A family. A unit functioning together. He still doesn't seem to fully grasp why I love him... do you? I comprehend how fully and completely he sees reality. Accepts situations and knows who and what is important to me. Tonight he called those times when he's tried to step back away from our relationship, him being Silly. He asked me to promise him that I'd let him know that he's doing just that.. being silly. Silly when he thinks of how he'd wanted things to be before finding the wife he's dreamed of. Of wanting to be able to support a family fully on his own two feet. Silly because he wants to avoid struggling for the ones he wants as a part of his life. And I cried softly within myself. And while speaking with him. I asked him to do the same for me. I told him how much his mind and soul attracted me to him. Now I've got his body to be utterly attracted to as well... true... but it's the healthy full comprehension of good, bad, right, wrong, and the importance of family, marriage, fidelity, honor, respect, honesty and values... a code of honor. We're taking a serious step forward. It's scary to contemplate... well, it might be, were it not the fact that... he's the man I heard before I'd heard his voice. I dreamed of him before ever seeing his face. Before hearing him on the phone, I KNEW that voice, I knew I could easily grow to love him and picture being at his side. I might get that in the future. But I'd wish to be worthy... just as he sees the need to be worthy of me and my daughter.

I'm in awe. I'm delighted... and this story is still in the first few chapters. I feel blessed.

keening deep within my soul...
looking forward to our next meeting, already... yet to be planned.
I want to feel your whiskered cheeks against the palms of my soft gentle hands, caresses stroked against your skin.... exploring again. To lift my lips to yours, at first brushing my desire wetly over them, and the hungrily demanding responses to my aching. I want, crave and need you.