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I am a walking contradiction skirting jurisdictions while self-implementing restrictions. I am a melancholy free spirit afraid sometimes to sing my own lyrics. I am child with old eyes and past lives striving to do more than survive. I am a silly, nostalgic, horny, romantic with naive antics. I am not afraid to break the rules of being cool or getting schooled. I am the color of earth, often misunderstood since birth. A chain smoker and late night toker, an ego stroker, sensitive joker and occasional chicken choker. I am as deep as you will allow yourself to wade in. I am my mother's creation, my father determination, the wages of so called sin and the scars left after being stabbed in the back or forgotten by a friend. I am the shy shiver of of an endless giver whose cheeks are moist and quiver from tears shed alone. I am heavy in heart and weight but free of prejudice and hate. I am a meandering soul searching to become whole while traveling in a caterpillar-like form. Not seeking shelter with the norm but weathering the storms that will come and pass with the perfectly imperfect fumbling we call existence. shaking off the shackles of pretense while understanding experience is neither good nor bad, more or less until the next time you can put it to its test. And if it is in the case to give someone an open hand I willing give it until my time's last grain of sand rests upon the cosmic strand. Our reality is within our hands
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| Thursday, November 15, 2007, 6:52:25 AM- | ||||||
There's this weird feeling, it's completely natural, but hard to explain to most I think. There's this feeling, this emotion, a verse that's scurrying from corner to corner of my mind, my soul, and I don't know if it's hding, or I'm hiding from it. It has voice, maybe it hasn't matured enough yet, or I haven't come to grips with letting it out. This is the other side of writing. It's a euphoric feeling when the words just join together out of a knowledge they belgon together because they sense the rhythym, they know the direction and course to a degree my conscious mind might not understand. But right now there is that sense of the words, that mood just taking its first breaths of life into my mind's world, where it needs to live for a while. Hopefully soon it will allow me to introduce it to you. | ||||||
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| Wednesday, November 14, 2007, 4:14:37 AM- Push And Pull | ||||||
From the first breath until non are left, e are swayed by forces from enigmatic sources, Whether it be hunger or because we become less younger, LIfe is a death dealt for all despite wealth or health, But in the end we care no longer to pretend, Either we are empty or full, And it comes down to the push or the pull I feel the push of your words inside my head, Sinking deeper into me, every word you've said, I feel the pull of your soft moist lips with each parting, Withdrawing feelings from within my heart, I know the penetration of your big brown eyed gaze, Stopping me mid thought, I have to pull to know what to say, The tug of your arms around my waist, I'm so ready to be pushed or pulled inside a special place, Slide inside my dreams until I'm joyously cursing bursting at the seams, Retreat and give me an aching a yearning deliciously bitter sweet, Without the both, without you I am incomplete, I crave your push and full, Your push and pull, Has taken such a hold, Your push and pull, Will never grow old, YOur push and pull | ||||||
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| Wednesday, November 14, 2007, 2:55:21 AM- Boungiornio, A third Book.... (blushing) | ||
I went through the archives, and found the poem I posted before this latest blog. It challenged me to go through all the other poems I had, and lo and behold, I had enough to do a third collection of poems I think are just as good as he first two. The thrid book will be called Embers of A Starr. It's a mix of love, politics, spiritualism and relationships. It's so funny how I feel free and so relieved after having dreaded publishing my works, wondering if they were good enough. It just now feels like my head is cleard, and I'm open to writing more, doing some traveling, getting into photogrpahy. A slight tangent but connected because publishing, getting into photogrpahy are a few things on the listed I mentioned in a previous blog not too long ago. I just picked up a book, Learn Italian in 7 Days. Now I know I won't know everyting there is about the language but I will be able to hold a conversation soon. and I know it will only feed into my desire to know more. Then I'm going back to relearn German! Wow, it's crazy, there are so many things going on, but I feel just full of good energy. I don't know what the future holds for me, but I'm not going to timidly step into it. CHeers my friends, thank you from a very enthusiastic and appreciative soul. | ||
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| Monday, November 12, 2007, 8:31:57 AM- Deeper ( Something a bit from the past, but going in a book) | ||||||
Deeper I held it in as you embraced me, Your presence a soothing potion eternally, I watched the straying rays of day fade behind night's curtain, Blinking back pain, would not let you see me hurting, I sat on the bed as you typed away on the lap top, Unable to blink, my adoring gaze would not stop, I watched pale plumes of smoke escape your lips, As I traced the quivering edge of your lips, I got up as if in a trance to kneel by your side, Caressing your shoulders, your relaxed muscular thighs, My hand running across your stomach, feeling each ridge, My finger tips delighting in your abs, a sensual privilege, You turned your head and smiled at me innocently, As if inwardly laughing, "we just made love so recently.", You leaned over and lightly brushed your nose against mine, You laid your face against my cheek, your lashes tickling me so divine, The flutter of delicate fans matched by my massaging hands, Our lips took little sips, Until my mouth traveled south, I felt you stiffen, looked up to see what was wrong, You put your hand under my chin, your thumb against my open mouth, Your eyes bottomless with concern bore into me to where I couldn't move an inch, I saw tears well in your eyes and my gut wrenched, Your hand went to my back, I saw clouds in your eyes, About what had happened earlier I could not lie, YOU lifted me up and turned me around, I could feel your anger and sorrow at what you found, The marks of resisting the wrath for loving you, This latest pain I had endured you had had no previous clue, I saw you reach for your pants and shirt, But I pulled you back, didn't want anyone to be hurt, Much more than physical, you dwell deeper in me than my oldest memory, This, us older than my first breath, despite science’s take on the logic of the theory, I do not care about what the world thinks, says about what it sees, Your love is a deeper cure for any pain or disease. | ||||||
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| Sunday, November 11, 2007, 6:38:33 PM- Musings | ||||||
It's frigging killing me!! 5-7 days from 11/08/07. Maybe, just maybe my books will be available by the 13th. I guess I Should just ry and put it out of mind and just assume it will be more like the 15th. I've waited how many years to put my poems in books and publish them, and now a few days is angonizing! I took pics of the Fellatio Fairy costume. I'm trying to upload them into my blog but my freakin comp wants to be a pain in the ass. I might just upoload them into my photos for one day and delete them. I hope everyone had a great weekend! | ||||||
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| Thursday, November 8, 2007, 12:14:18 PM- Not Waiting | ||||||
I just really had a wonderful night. Hung out with a friend, got to check out his collection of photography and he is really talented. It inspired me to pursue my aspirations and talk freely about my ideas for photography. Today I found a willing phtographer and model for the project I have invisioned for a while, combinging poetry with pictures. I know I gave myself a mandate of three more poems before I published but then I realized, I have the poems here. I give myself excuses constantly, keep holding out for the greatest poem in the world to be written by me, and I just realized that's not what it's all about. So today, November 8th, 2007 I published two books on Wordclay.com! They are two collections of poems; Passion Bound: The Secret Voice and Let It breathe: Spoken Soul. They will not be available until 5-7 days in the near future, but I'm anxiously awaiting to be able to buy them, to hold them in my hands, crack the spine and see my words in print. At times it makes me feel immodest. And I know that is part of my self depricating esteem at times. It's time to let go of that, and maybe no one can ever truly be freed of doubts and fears, but when you take a leap it feels damn good. I have had some of you; my good friends have asked about getting a copy autographed. I will make a deal with anyone interested. Contact me through pm here and let me know if you are interested in an autographed copy. When the books are available I will order them to come to me, sign them and ship them to the address you designate. IN return for me sending you the book autographed, I will ask for three things; $3.00 towards each book ( it costed more than that to print it but I'll give you all a much better rate), the cost of shipping it to you, and a photo of you with the book in whatever fantastic pose you can figure posted to your NN account. If that sounds good let me know. Thank you all again so much!! PS: I haven't forgotten about my halloween costume piccy! I will still post it! I've just been busy getting the books situated, uploaded, published and ready to print! a starr reborn xxxxxxxxxxx | ||||||
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| Monday, November 5, 2007, 4:46:28 AM- Smiling at a computer | ||||||
Had a busy weekend. THe store was super busy from some type of summit at the nearby campus where thousands of earth conscious kids showed up. Went to a late costume party on Saturday and got quite some responses. The responses started from the first cab driver that showed up, he saw me a nd pulled of!! Seriously. Second cab driver I called and warned him ahead of time. His only words when I got in the car were "Wow..." I guess I made an impression. When the driver dropped me off at my destination HE turns around to get the money and says quite straight faced " YOU have breast too..." I know I must have blushed, and really didn't know what to say becasue he was staring at my chest!! I got out quikcly after paying and had to walk a bit. No easy fit in 3" high heels. Yes my out fit was bit outlandish a risque. I was wear a modified 'Scream" costume with no hood, deep v cut in the front which I had to stich a connector so I would only show man cleavage and not the whole shibang, hug foot high afro wig, a long slit up the dress/outift and silver knee high 3" go go boots. Yes, I got many comments and flirts. Pretty funny. It made me laugh how many women came up to me and complemented me on the outfit, the balls to wear it, and how many conversations I struck up from it. There were one or two dull wits that seemed to be more annoyed because their costumes were so lame and that women were talking to the "fellatio Fairy" rather than them; the epitomes of masculinity. I had fun, got waaaay to drunk, went home at 7am. With all of that going on, what I really was thinking about when I started this blog was how much I have come to love and cherish good friends I have found here. Thank you all for stopping by my blog, sharing yourselves, reading my blog, commenting. These things, you; are what I was talking about smiling at the computer. And I would be a liar to say it doesn'tmake me a bit misty-eyed. Thank you! | ||||||
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| Saturday, November 3, 2007, 7:34:25 AM- Three poems away... | ||||||
I know I shouldn't do this, but I think it will really happen this time. JUst been contenplating a lot lately. I have written many, many poems, and I hope to write many more. I hope my poems will always be real, raw, me and unapologetic. For so long I have denied who I am, denied myself a place among others. At times I bury it well, but still seated eep in me is this feeling of inferiority and questioning. IT carries over into my poetry and other things. I have three more poems to write, and once I write those three poems, I will put a hold to writing and fervently puruse publishing. I'm most likely going to have to do it myself, and I think I've found a good website to do so with, called wordclay. Once I have the poems written, I will put them in three different collections, and I'm still working out names. There are a few names sticking out in my head for the first collection. Incantations of Emotion, The Secret Voice and Passion Beyond Bounds. When I have it sorted out, and have actually gotten a book publushed I will post a link or make it available to those who would like to have a copy. Any helpful hints would be appreciated, I"m still trying to figure out how many poems constitues a book or collection. Thank you my friends for inspiring me me in so many ways, and letting this little star feel like he can shine. Have a good night one and all. | ||||||
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| Thursday, November 1, 2007, 5:56:26 AM- Take it There ( I don't know... just being foolish) | ||||||
Wouldn't you ask another person to explain, Why jump from a perfectly good plane, Take a risky chance, Change your life in one split instance, Yes I could live safe and sane, Stay inside watching life through my window pane, Is that really something for which I care, No, I have to go out, and take it there Sometimes I feel like an old soul, Destined to experience what I can't control, Sometimes I feel too thick for someone to hold, Sentenced to orbit the living, loveless until I'm old, A burning yearning amnesiac with clues and hints, To the tapestry of life and its beautiful tints, I felt safer even if isolated on the outside, But your smile made me want to no longer hide. You called me to let me know I was welcome, And you would come get me no matter where from, You put your arm around me when I sat alone, With nothing but my thoughts to call my own, YOU touch me when I feel so intangible, And make me forget all of those labels, You remind me tha the time is now for me, To blossom and embrace that I am living, These feelings are so damn confusing, Into every portion of my life protruding, IN my dreams, in the morning at work or the shower, Doesn't matter what the hour, your existence has a power, Fit enough to devour every thing that was once sour, Potentially leaving me with something so sweet and divine, Take it there, you have to seek for a chance to find One's place, happiness even if taking it there is partly blind. You make me so scared, I never knew how much I could care, Never knew this depth and fullness were there, Something wanting to love and be shared, A soul freed, beautiful and bare, Ready to sail through weather foul or fair, For every piece that reaches out to you, There is a near equal asking do I have a clue, Come what may, I know I want. need I have to, Take it there, take it to you | ||||||
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| Saturday, October 27, 2007, 12:35:11 PM- Passion | ||||||
One and all have tried to push me aside, TO be responsible, in control, Physical eyes fixated on a societal goal, So damn rigid, extra energy is applied, TO keep some ill-conceived image perceived, TO be polite, seen in the best of lights, Its truly a losing fight, I'll wear you down by night, With the gentlest of blows, leaving you heaving in bliss' throes, I am warm and round, at times not visually profound, Something like finger tips softly breezing by your lips, Only noticed when you close down what keeps you on the ground, An elixir equipped to make you thirsty for more sip after sip, Titillating more than flesh, even the gears between your ears, A voyage to somewhere, you can lay it all out, completely bare, Making you weep from every vibrant portion that’s been asleep, Reveling as pleasure abounds while you struggle to not make a sound, It makes me laugh when you try, to not look me in the eyes, Searching your mind for some alibi, To not let go give in, to what's within, what you're wantin, It's all right to be blessed, with adoring eyes be caressed, To step out of sight, and slide inside delight, Let someone make your toes curl, let your inhibitions unfurl, To feel another pressed against you, Letting it do what it do, Making you melt between your thighs, from all the touches applied There are at least 10 politically acceptable ways to convey, What this is, who I am, what I want to do, so I'm just gonna say, At a moment's notice I want to make you call off plans, Cause you're ready to be kneaded & touched by my loving hands, From time to time I want you to forget your underwear, Ready and prepared to start something any time anywhere, I want to make you laugh, writhe, shiver and cry, As I hold you safely, guide you through a sensual ride. This me set free, The lover for you I should be, I am Passion, To be consumed, not rationed | ||||||
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