So I went out for that walk again today and tried jogging as well, or as much jogging as someone as out of shape and not wearing a sports bra can do. I didn't get far, considering my tits kept trying to pop out of my top. But it was so lovely and I feel so deliciously sore right now.

So I came in, got myself a glass of water, and then spied the cheesecake. See. I haven't had cheesecake in YEARS. YEARS upon YEARS upon YEARS. Back when I was perhaps...oh... 7ish. More than ten years for certain. Well the restaurant we went to for eating tonight had a white chocolate macadamia nut cheesecake and it sounded really good, so I got one today.

I grabbed it, decided I wasn't trying to lose weight anyway, I just found I REALLY like getting out of the house. Oh my gosh! Soooo yummy! This spells trouble. Lmao

All right, I'm feeling back *hugs mdguy UBER TIGHTLY!*
Here's what's going on now.

1. I'm not centering my life around trying to spend time with someone I'm not even in a relationship with again. I started role playing with Jessica and suddenly lost a LOT of that spare time I used to have. From now on if we rp, fine, cool. But if there's something else I do think I want to do, go out with other friends, just take a walk, I'm doing it. No more taking time out of my day or life or avoiding something I did want to do for some rp that's recently gone sour with her attitude anyway.

2. I finished Book I of Age of the Sun. If anyone would like to give a read through and critique for me, that would be greatly appreciated. I've started looking at agents, but I've also noticed Amazon is doing a self publishing thing that looks promising.

3. I've found I REALLY enjoy taking long walks and listening to music. I'm going to start doing that more often.

4. I'm taking a shower now.

We brought it up. I got out my side and then she commenced to inform me about how she thinks I'm just confused sexually and here's a huge list of other things. And then here's stuff that she doesn't like that I basically need to fix.

And our argument ended (like most arguments do) with me changing things wrong with myself, basically not getting anything I had wanted, and me accepting that she cannot change who she is because that's who she is.

I don't want friends anymore. I don't want to live in this house anymore. I want to go far away and start all over with a new name and new people and new everything. I'm tired.

I'm losing my mind. Jessica has praised me so much on being that great friend that got her out of her comfort zone and who helps her do stuff and who's always been there for her and shit, but ever since she got home again the girl's just gone back to her same old straight-laced way. She was so excited about the idea of getting a job, but not she's happy to just play WoW and work in the house all day. We used to be able to talk about different and weird things. Now it's 'too weird.' She's completely shut down and she's shutting me out too. My sexual preferences are all too out there for her, so suddenly we barely talk at all, she just plays WoW.

We used to at least rp together. But the sex scenes made her feel 'dirty and wrong.' Fine, I can handle that. No sex, big deal. Well now my characters aren't okay anymore either. They're too into weird stuff.

Whenever we do rp now it just feels like I'm getting personally attacked every time. This sucks so much, because I think she was really starting to come out of her shell and we were making great bounds as friends. I feel like I can't talk to her anymore and that kills me, because we were basically going to be each other's source of entertainment through the summer. Hang out, drink tea, go to IHOP, rp, play WoW together, laugh about stupid shit, watch movies.

Now? I'm not straight laced enough. I'm too weird.

I dyed my hair. It's been a while since I did it. It's darker than I planned. Usually it's a reddish purple, like wine, but this turned out quite dark, but I rather like it =)

I dropped a cake *facepalm*

It was an accident, but it was a full sheet cake, which is like fucking HUGE, and when I was trying to slide it off the top shelf for the lady, and I lost my grip of it, dropped it, CAUGHT it (oooh I'm good!!) and then dropped it again... -.-;;;

So it was totaled, and I asked the lady for like...thirty minutes to redo it and she was so understanding and said she didn't want me to hurry, she just wants a good quality cake. And well... I'm the only decorator so I can't turn to anyone for help. So I do what I can but I've never done the certain kind of flowers she wanted on the cake before, and the center of them were giving me hell. So... I talked to a manger, then called her up and asked her if it'd be okay if she could pick it up tomorrow and I could have a more experienced decorator come in and finish it all up, and we'd take 25 dollars of her cake.

Well it's fine with her cause she doesn't NEED it until tomorrow and she was so insanely understanding and reminded me that she didn't want me to think she was mad at me and just... it was so nice. Because she COULD'VE been upset, many would be. So it's just been a huge relief she's so cool with everything.

I'm on break right now, I got another 20 minutes before I go back (it's really nice working only 10 minutes way from my house), and then I'll work about hour and a half, and I'm off for the next three days.

Thank God. xD

I adore these 4 day work weeks, but ever since I started I haven't done much decorating at all. I kinda miss it, but not so much the stress of being on that side, and it's nice not having to do some 120 odd key lime pies a day.

Recently I'll come into work and they'll have me start packing bread until lunch, and then I would go back to decorating, but now suddenly I'm packing ALL day, which was a little annoying because I'd pack until about 2:30-3, then the mid closer would come in, and I'd go over to decorate, well...not much at all. Maybe a back up cake or so, then they just want me to clean up the mess they've accumulated throughout the entire day. It's not awful, because I actually enjoy cleaning, I like seeing the before and after of my work, but having to be late going home just because they can't clean as they go is a little frustrating.

Anywho, tonight I'll be packing again. I'm working the mid shift, 12-9, and I'll start off packing out all the bread that hasn't been packed yet (which depending on who's been doing the packing could mean I'll have nothing to pack or everything to pack), and then tonight I'm working with one of my male coworker's who's pretty laid back and even a bit lazy, but he lets me alone to set up cookies or clean or do whatever.

Then tomorrow...well... I'm closing with one broad that wont shut the fuck up. I kid you not. She *constantly* talks, there is no silence with her. It's constant repetitions of what she just said, even after I reply to let her know I did her, she continues to repeat or re-emphasize, and it's a lot of very poorly done sexual puns and then she laughs about how 'dirty' she is. I mean, we're talking puns where she holds up a breadstick and asks someone if they 'wanna touch her stick?' and then she giggles about how naughty she's being.

Ugh.

But it's work. And I need the money,

I haven't really sought out any agents yet. I realized I didn't like the particular end to the first book of my story, so I'm going to write a bit further to get to the end I want, and then I have to go and add in sections that I stopped writing on to save for later, and it seems later is now. Then I want to read over all of it, get it all finalized, then I'll be giving it to my father to read, because he knows books, he reads ALLLLL the time. Then I'll submit it to that former teacher of mine I have that huge crush on.

Right now? I'm just ready to go back to school xD I miss all that freedom and the stress of classes and I miss Nicole and Heather soooo insanely much. Home isn't the same as when I left a year go. It hasn't changed a lot, maybe I'm the one that's changed, but I miss being on my own and I want to get my own place, even if it is scary and expensive.

Does it always have to pour on the days I go to work? That is such a waste of a rainy day!

So I've started looking for an agent. It's really scary. There's so many and I'm terrified nothing of mine is good enough. I took what I've written and found a good stopping point, because the story finally hit 500 pages double spaced and almost 150,000 words, which is too long for a first-time submission, as I've read thus far. So maybe I'll get lucky and it can become a series.

I dunno. Just scared of rejection. =( Which I know will happen either way. Rejection pretty much guaranteed because that's what you always hear about. I look at what I've written and all I can think is maybe it's not interesting enough or good enough. I don't know.

*Sigh* I'm scured.

I got the chocolate and I'm just going to go into my room and cry. I barely see the point of being right now, except to finish my story. But for what? Who's going to care? What else do I have to look forward to except a long life of working tediously in retail because apparently to my father that's the only job that's any good right now. Fuck whatever else I would like to do. So fine.

Just fuck it all. I don't care anymore.