what's your favorite sexual act or position???
licking sucking, backwards cowgirl, 69
any special or new ideas suggested ways to do something...
just curious.

yesterday, I got to spend time on breaks with ladies that I miss seeing and working beside. Friendship is a strong thing. I'm grateful for it that's for sure.

I read Facebook quotes re friendship and relationships and... while I honestly should listen to those around me about self centered people like my friend Lanky for example... I also am reminded of all the good in our past. I can recall positive from my past with my ex-husband, too... though the anger, rage and cruelty outweigh it much of the time... it's why I couldn't stay with someone like him... and, why I'm thankful that Lanky is living somewhere else. I need time to reflect on my past... on what I can possibly do to make sure I have a future... and, review how the friendship if there's anything left can remain friendship. I'm not sure why he'd said it wasn't friendship any longer... it hurts to think he'd still cling to me when he doesn't seem to see anything worthy of friendship between us... and I can't believe that he was implying that there was MORE than that between us, when he's stayed consistent with the message he's given me about his thoughts on me as a partner for him... impossible, no connection, no feelings other than that I'm as close to him as is his sister.

My past lover/mentor, Pedro has texted me, emailed and called me to remind me of how much he's looking forward to time together again... I know he'd tried to get me to consider him for second chances years back, and even around Christmas recently... I haven't said no, to him about our Halloween weekend together. I know it holds no other significance to him than a chance to spend time with a woman that he'd trusted for a moment, and a huge step towards his future as a retiree in Florida. It was something he'd talked about with me years back, when we still worked and spent time together. Anyway, I know that life propels each one of us forward along our paths.

I'm actually looking forward to that weekend to a degree... I
'd wanted to dress teasingly sexually for the Devil's Night costume party/concert on Halloween night, but... I think I'd rather spend it with a man who's God fearing, lustier than most I've me, and perhaps the most decadent and lusty of all the men I've been with.. Yet, also one of the most willing to share his feelings and desires. So... I WILL be dressing up... in my white gauzy skirt and sheer white hippie blouse over a white or turquoise tank... with white thigh highs and a pair of stilettos. I know his desires and I know his touch...
I know his growl of lusty pleasure... and I know how he loves to take me in so many ways, and that he'd missed me not long after rejecting me...

I am confused by men. I'm confused by my heart. Confused by the way life's turned out. I'm upside down, then righted long enough to see the horizon for a while... then, tossed again upon the waves and swells...

Tomorrow I'm going to work for over 6 hours. I NEED the overtime so I can pay my bills and maybe stop the struggles we experience, and the ones that we'll have to in the very, very near future, too. I've got to make things work for the best, for me, for my daughter... for us... for me. Tonight and tomorrow I'll work on my fingernails a bit more... I want to get them looking "right" and I'm eager to share them, once finished... I'm giving gifts of love and honor to my mother and the man I still love more than any other man.

this is Breast Cancer Awareness month... and like so many others here and all over I'm supporting it too... pink and naked breasts.. too... I'll be sharing... but, for those of you who've been along side me over the years.... you know that breast cancer isn't the kind on my mind right now. I'm simply reliving past autumns. October is a time of sorrow for me now... yet, this year I gladly embrace it as it is the month that my sweetheart was born and died in. He'd died in my arms, as I'd poured my love into him for his last few hours of life. So... again, breast cancer isn't my only cancer to ask you to support the research and treatment of... but also Colon cancer, which stole my mother away, at the young age of 68, and a cousin of mine who'd been 35, of same colon cancer, just 2 1/2 months later than my mother. And, last year, the first man to insist he loved me and proved he did, more than life itself... determined to save his life so we could be a family, him, me and my... OUR daughter as he begged for me to call her. He'd never lived with a woman, never fathered any children and had never married. I was the only woman my love was sure of, and couldn't live without. He'd had life support pulled so he wouldn't have to suffer living a second after I left his side. He'd been crushed and aching due to his longing for me, his wife (in mind and spirit we were that immediately) when I'd returned home after my first trip the only one when he was well, back in May of 2013... and passed away in my arms, in his hospital bed cradled in my absolute love and joy in being with my love to help him through the end of his mortality. Blue with shimmering strips of mylar for Colon cancer... and shimmering glittery burgundy with swirls of cream through it for head and neck cancer, which behaved peculiarly and spread through bone and to all major organs before attacking lymph glands... for this lovely man I miss. So, thumbs only will now be pink... index fingers with dark blue and shimmers, next burgundy and cream swirls and twists coating the rest of my fingers. No, I don't have fake nails.. I have made smears and goo sludge has spread of a few of my fingers... My nails are all me, just as the rest of me... imperfect, flawed... and I accept it... and just will determine to shine regardless of how ridiculous I seem to those around me... I'm honoring my loved ones whom I miss so dearly... and, I accept myself as I am as human. Ce ca.

licking sticky caramel off my fingers... mmmmmm

I am reminded over and over....
that it's that time of year...
autumn brings cooler weather...
it's rutting season and by all that's on this world I can say it brings men out in droves!!!!
horny rutting bugling and shaking their heads, trying to get the attention of the females they've had in the past, and dream of in the now...

*sigh*
and I'm horny...
I hate it... time to find my battery charger or I'm going to go loony at this rate. Anyone interested in buying me a new toy? no clue how I killed the last two, or where my tiny nubby glass one went to... I think I need a rabbit, or whale or grrrhhhh... oh well...
fingers and a nice cold glass dildo will make due for now...
time for a wet pussy to get even wetter....
night

Duckie photos posted... more to come, later... misplaced my little old camera that I use on my tripod for self times photos... *sigh*

I plan on one or two of me with nothing but my Oregon Ducks ballcap on.
Nods, nods...

and, tomorrow's Doctor Who, same thing... just kind of fun to play with my profile and see how amazingly quick the responses are to my posts... my. I'm flattered.

tonight, as I was preparing my U of O Ducks cloths... and getting ready for bed.. I began searching for a nightshirt.... nothing seemed to satisfy me.. and I began to think of my sweetheart. How dazed he'd been when I'd kissed him and his husky warning that he wasn't going to do as planned.. go without anything sexual our first night. God he didn't.

In one of my drawers I found the gigantic shirt Lanky insisted I'd claimed and was mine... and a T shirt Alex's sister had bought for me when I was there in October. I got ready to wear Lanky's thermal shirt as a dress as I had so often on cool nights... especially when lonely, so desperately lonely for my love and for my friend this winter... and then, in the next drawer down I found it. Tears spilled from my eyes and I lifted it out of the drawer and held it to me...

Tonight I'm wearing my love's brown T shirt. One of the few he'd had at the hospital, folded and in one of the drawers in his room in the hospice ward. Tonight... I need him near me. I miss him more than I should...

But oh, how I miss his voice.. and how perfectly my hand fit in his. I miss the light in his eyes and those thick curly soft lashes that framed them... I miss his curly soft fuzz trailing from chest to his thighs.. the six tiny white ones that I'd counted in awe.. my handsome love, the man of my dreams... he looked so young, he'd been so fit and even sick, was strong and energetic. I miss Alex... and I didn't have him for decades or years... just months of officially loving each other and knowing without a doubt it was the best thing in our lives... I knew him for two years prior to our acceptance of a long distance forever kind of love.

I'm here in his brown T shirt... crying alone in the glow of my floor lamp. Aching for arms to hold me... hands to sooth me.. and kisses brushed across my skin.

I know, I know.. our love was the template, an example for me of the minimum I should accept. But honestly.. how could I.. me, myself... how can I believe anyone else could love me like that? or, even half as much? I've loved men too fully.. and they proved they couldn't take it. How can I impose myself on anyone, when... my love breaks my relationships... I'm afraid. I'm afraid of just being hurt over and over... hearing my faults listed, as reasons for not being able to love me or want me. How can anyone expect me to take that without breaking and shattering to pieces?


I'll quietly finish out these hot tears in silence... and fall into a gray empty sleep...

But at least I've got something of his to wrap me in, tonight... the only man who loved and wanted me and perfected me because of it. I miss him... and yes, I should be grateful for any love at all in my life... I KNOW. But... I got to show him how completely I loved him... we didn't get to share so much... I've had my friend Lanky live with me, touch me and well... the only man who loved me so utterly never did. So... I am sure I seem to be some pathetic sappy woman who's making a bigger deal than it really was, about a long distance romance to plenty of people... but... for him, for his family, for me my daughter and my friends who saw me and the light and joy he brought to me... only we know that it was real, and worth it. I hate how this is affecting me. But I know it's time to sit and distance myself from everything, and just close my eyes... wear his things, and be a sappy dope who knows she was loved more than life itself by one fine and dear man... .

Tonight I'll wear his shirt. And try to listen to heaven to see if I can hear the sexiest chuckle I've ever heard.

today, I'm busy prepping photos for sharing.

I wore mismatched things to work... sort of.. do you KNOW how hard it is for me to do that on purpose???

tomorrow is my Duck fanwear day.... and tomorrow, Doctor who.. should I share any of that here?

I went through my photos this weekend.. the ones from my canyon drive... I'll need to bug newromance and maybe some others, for help creating links of my photos.. so I can share them here.
I love the ones of aspens with green gold and orange leaves.. striped shadows crossing the path... and the glory of snow caps peeking through it all.

This is theme week again at work.. today was company colors.. tomorrow mismatched clothing.. then fanwear... next Favorite movie or TV show.. and lastly team theme.. ours is Cowboy.

Nods... Friday night was fantastic. Bought the 50th anniversary Doctor Who video and watched almost everything on the DVD. Now, my kidlet insists we need to watch the classic Dr who episodes... yayeee, I've created an addict, for sure!!!

We had a decent start to a lazy Saturday, but she got decidedly growly when she realized Lanky would be coming over here after all. She's been insisting on a couple weekends completely devoid of him to see if being without the man makes things easier for her with her PTSD, or not. He might get whiney and bitchy even, but she's as bad at that herself.. grrrh, and I get that way, too.

Saturday was a lazy morning, and I took my daughter up two canyons with me... Little Cottonwood, for acres of autumnal colors, and Big Cottonwood, to capture the sight and sound of the creek. I'd hoped Lanky could go up there with me today, to see how big the falls have gotten due to snow-pack on the mountains already.
Lanky stayed the night... and initiated things this time... so, I guess he's still interested. Felt good. Admitting that play is something I need to reconsider... yet, he's the only male friend that's close geographically, that I trust to not hurt me, care about me and my daughter, and when playing, to pleasure me well. *shrugs*

Today was again a calm and slow paced day, but... we also got a few things accomplished. I got the artwork packed up and ready to ship to my dear friend, thekid, from here. I took some things to my storage unit and got our Halloween decorations out, and put up strands of orange lights up and one of huge purple bats up linked through them, in our living room window. I've set a few things around the livingroom, my Devil Dog, my raven candleholder, and a few skulls and little things. I drove my friend back home after he'd helped me taking care of those things... Drove up to his new home, and got to meet the dogs that entertain and delight him... and, got to reaffirm to his current landlord and landlady that he's important to me. They're exactly what he needs. An answer to so many of my prayers... they're his friends... and, she's worked with him in officiating races worldwide... she also treats him like a wayward son. I love it. and, I love them for taking this tall skinny tower of a man into their home, and keeping him after discovering he's on the registry.

I'm relaxing right now... after having to confront my child, reminding her that she's NOT the only one dealing with her PTSD, we all are, even Lanky. He asks about her, and makes suggestions and recommendations. And, I.. well, I relive it all, too.

But I'm insisting that she fight it, not demand that I give into it, and her freak-outs. I refuse to allow that. She needs to move through this and on, to growth acceptance and empowerment.

I'll be working a long, mandatory overtime day, tomorrow, and... I plan to work a full day on Saturday, of overtime, too. I realized that... overtime on Saturdays will bring me enough money to make up for the $200.00 my ex will no longer be paying me. just two full time Saturdays per month is all I'll need. And, that's enough, I HOPE... for now