I wonder...
will I ever be able to accept and dive into a kiss again, and want and enjoy it?

will I ever trust any man again... take the risk and allow him to prove his interest and desire again?

I hope so...
oh, how I hope I'm not so broken and crushed, battered and hurt that I can't let go of the emptiness I felt with each refusal to kiss, romance, share passion, and give me oral... but I just don't know...

and, it's why I'd determined I NEEDED to spend time with my friend, from my past. I NEED to know if I can feel his lips on my skin and not shudder and cry inside, that I can't believe it's something natural for me to get the experience. I've lost so much of myself over the past year, simply by allowing an asshole to stay with me and reject me hurt me so completely that...
I...
don't feel whole.

the weekend brought changes to my home and life that I know I've needed for too long. Lanky has almost every bit of his things gone now.. I'll be boxing up what's left this week. No communication between us. No stopping by and, no time together. NO seeing one another for at least two weeks. I need to detox my heart and body. I need to let go of the twisting that he spins me into... And, there's no need for me to allow a man to get home base when he doesn't plan on or want first, or second, or even third enough to have earned any of it at all.

I got my living-room comfortable again. I worked on the kitchen. It too looks better. Now for my bedroom, again...

My daughter sold her baby birds... three fewer birds stinking up and mussing up the apartment. The next one still being fed by Mumm and dad bird, will have a home, too. asap. At least two or thee people seem interested in it. Budgies are taking over my home... I need to get us back down to two birds, or even better.. One?

Simplify my life and my world. I MUST do it. Less drama, less clutter, less mess and unwanted noise. Less strife and less worry. Less drama and fewer lies and well... more peace of mind.. hopefully more joy and hope too... we'll see...
rebuilding life again. no matter how limited mine will be... I want it to mean something. I want my life to mean something. I want my joy and love to create and add to the lives of those I love... I don't want regrets or sorrows. I don't want to complain. I'm tired of how things have been while I am being sucked of every bit of energy and happiness, and self esteem. Time to make my life matter.. no matter how small the dent in this messy world I make... just one tiny corner of the world to brighten once.. even for a moment. Maybe I'll be forgotten, and only missed for a moment... and maybe I'll be remembered for the struggles but I'm hoping to be remembered by the desire to live fully, to fight for the chance to love, to live and to experience.. no matter how little I get to achieve, or how great my successes could be, they need to be enjoyed while I'm living with joy, experiencing, with joy and light in my heart.. not dark swirls of hurt and rejection and worse, any longer... but peace and as much energy as I can muster...

a song I enjoy

have you ever realized that someone is your greatest addiction? As in REALLY.. an ADDICTION, not necessarily a healthy one... I"m thinking how can someone really be?

and then, I think of the embarrassing revelation that just hearing Lanky's voice makes me squirt and soak those panties and ermmm have to go change them and sometimes the jeans...
and, my resolve melts away, when he's near. I need his cock...
thing is... that IS an addiction, due to too much focus on helping supporting and sexual play with him...

my daughter is one of the most amazingly astute women, when it comes to knowing me and my needs... she's right. I need no communication from or with this man for at minimum, 2 weeks... no hearing his voice, no calls, or voice messages... no spending time with him, and no going places he will be bound to be at... I need just two weeks of none of that... and, she advised me at minimum no spending time with him for another two. She reminded me of her body's reaction to her withdrawal symptoms... she reminded me that Lanky won't kiss me, eat my pussy, and other things that I crave and need from a partner.. that he isn't my partner... that he needs to have his distance too, because most likely I and my affiliation here... are/is an addiction for him. And, I know she too needs to have no talk of him, the way I need to have less of what her father says of me, as well... We need to wean ourselves off of the addiction...
let's face it, we saw one another twice a week for three months, while he was away... he'd moved in too soon after my fiance's passing, and I never got to just cry all alone and grieve the ONE man who's proved in every way he could how important I was to him. I need to grieve fully, honestly and without the touch of a man. No man to warm my bed, and no man to distract me from my heartache.. it is MINE to feel, mine to respond to, mine to be healed from/by and the healer of, too.

I need my time to get over the hardest losses over the past 3-4 years... loss of trust, loss of security... loss of my marriage and my home, the one I'd planned on dying in, I'd loved it so much... I need to mourn the loss of my mother, my grandfather, my cousin, and several other family members all within the too recent years... and, the loss of my own sweetheart, the man I'd planned to live and grow old with.. . I had just barely begun that glorious adventure... I need closure with my Latino mentor... finally to lay that confusion and piece of my life to rest, in a way only he can give me... I will need to have my space, and the opportunity to take control of and again manage my life and home, on my own. Cleaning, decluttering, reawakening the ME within myself... and, let's face it.. I NEED to go through all of this myself... reempowering, reawakening and fortifying my resolve to be me, to be strong and take a chance worth taking, to rebuild myself and my life... for ME. For my daughter. For everyone I've right to grieve... for those who love me, too... friends and family, and even those who just catch a glimpse of the woman that is me. I am real. I am me... and I need to need trust and love my own self once more.

tired of nosebleeds... *sigh* while I KNOW this is not normal, and that there's no sense in going to the ER due to my condition.. it really gets me down

waiting for my clothes to dry....
came home soaked through my top and jeans, and bra.. with my blood...

I'm worn out actually.. so tired I just want to sleep, but I need to get a few hours of work in... so, I'll head out when nice hot clothes are ready for me.
So tired.

I finished a Day of the Dead art card the other day. I'm planning on posting it on eBay.

Today, I realized I can't hide something like.. well... my body, and that I don't know how to deal with men ogling and umm, appreciating my figure. I suppose it's nothing new, right? but it's still weird to have it so obvious at work.

today, I had my sister-in-law.. well, in love since Alex and I were never married or living together... call me in the morning before work... it was sweet. She's a strong Southern Baptist like most of his family. We had a dear conversation, tears held back, quivering voices but we got through it fine. His mother tried to reach me while I was working, left a message, kind of flustered and clearly teary, too... I was able to get through my day okay... a couple time it took all I had to hold myself together and not cry...
some coworkers kinda got me riled up. they'd eaten all my Zombie parts and left a message saying they were delicious.. they'd had the balls to rummage through my drawer for a slip of paper and used it for the note. That violated my privacy... I'm not sure I can take that. I work hard, I struggle financially, yet some people at work decided to do what they wanted, instead of showing any respect for me and my things.. they'd even opened up a bottle, a beaker of sugar candies that were 3 years old and just for decoration, and had smashed it. I'm disappointed.

Anyway, the day was a struggle, a mixture of reasons.. heartache and frustration over how poorly people treat me at work... I'm tired of this...

But, today was made brighter when I came home... my daughter had fixed the vacuum, and was cooking our supper. I needed that. Later, I had us go out to find a cream colored fingernail polish and when I'd consulted a nail artist, she'd affirmed that a gold sharpie will be perfect for decorating my nails. I'll finally get the neck and head cancer colors done.. every fingernail is now burgundy, for him...

songs he loved.

sorry to bring the mood off of sex, to somber subjects...
I'm aching inside, trying to distract myself from the heartache reopening inside of me...

but, you know... I think I'd better just drop the attempts. All they do is make it harder to bear.

I keep feeling him close, wishing I could feel him smelling my hair, teasing me sexually and how his lips felt pressed against mine, warm, smooth yielding, thick and alive.
Am I obsessing over my dead love?
God, I hope not...
but I miss him. I miss his phone calls, the laughter shared, and taking him with me and my daughter anywhere, by phone.
but I also know, I'd barely gotten close to what we would have shared, had he lived.
I haven't had much of love... just enough to make me hurt and wish too much for something that cannot be.

Kisses shared, tasting my flavor...
touch, caress, lick and enjoy
scattering kisses over each other as he rises over me.
eyes for me only devouring me as he surveys the curves he craves
suckling my nipples, one at a time playing and teasing my pussy with fingers
then kissing my lips he slides his member slowly into the absolute wetness he's still overwhelmed by.
moaning out low at how tight and wet I am... clenching my muscles so he feels my pulsing teases as his thick shaft press deeper.
Pumping and grasping at my thigh, raising my leg higher and angling himself to change how incredibly intense it feels...
both of us groaning out our pleasure writhing in rhythmic delight
after changing positions several times and stopping to lick and tease me all over again, we both rupture in orgasmic bliss...
mmmmm
feeling my gushing wetness imploding while he pulses throbs and explodes into me...