tonight...
girl time...
we bought cheap food, nuked nachos, and watched Doctor Who...

my kidlet and I needed time relaxing.
admitting she didn't like that I was friendly with Lanky over the phone.... growled and wanted to just shut down and bitch for a bit....

She doesn't understand that he's disabled mentally and emotionally by strokes and his severe neurological/cranial injury in his accident, almost 5 years ago. It doesn't excuse him from responsibility to my thinking.. but it does demand patience and an ability to step outside my own sensibilities and emotionally distance myself... just as I'd had to with my ex, and with so many people with whom I interact. It saves me heartache, and judgment against others, and perhaps recrimination of self once I get to know of circumstances and past.

Anyway... Lanky is poverty stricken, yet, determined to see his children, no matter what. I'm proud of his determination and love for his kids. His need to participate in their lives and to have them in his. His devotion to them is something of worth... tomorrow morning he starts the long journey... riding his bike from Ogden to Kearns ,Utah... to spend just a couple hours with his offspring... he's not sure what shape he'll be in once he gets to Salt Lake Valley, let alone once he's done spending time with them... he's underfed, broke with an empty gas tank for his car... he's learning who his friends are, and I hope he's got enough to help him make it through this. He's living with two beautiful and strong people who're good and faith-filled souls. I'm glad and thankful.
He'd mentioned he might head home same day, or end up staying in the area overnight.. depending on how things work. I felt compelled to offer a bed, though... with bird dust causing him asthma attacks, I doubt he'd accept, it's gotten quite severe, and my daughter's increased frustration and hostility towards him... it's not all due to him, but also her father's attitude.. and other issues. All I can do is pray that the right things will happen for us all this weekend.

so... I'm thinking of finally painting that image of my sweetheart... laying tangled in the sheets in our motel room our first morning... how sinfully divine and perfect he looked.

pristine white sheets tangled around his dark athletic body. two toned painting in abstract.
I've just got to do it.
I miss him, but just have to cherish the joys of phone dates and skyping together... talking of the life we wanted and planned, and the progress he'd been making to bring us to him... the gift of touching him, being there with him while relatively healthy... and, then, oh, to love on him at Rush hospital. His fragile body and clear alert eyes. his smile, and how he expressed himself with a simple lift of an eyebrow or roll of his eyes... or a beckoning finger.

I miss him. There are times when I ache... but I HAVE to hold onto the sweetest of memories and just be grateful for the dearest gifts of love I've been given.

I'm wondering and guessing that today was a precursor of the next several long months of back to back to back to back phone calls... if that is true.. I'll be fired for not meeting expectations in two or three more months... or, I'll just never eat drink or take any breaks during my days... none except desperation 3 minute potty breaks here and there.

Today for lunch I ate what I could. a half a handful of crumbles left in my beef jerky bag... and part of one of the two nature valley crunchy granola bars in my package.. I'll eat the full last one tomorrow for my lunch. I have no time to deal with my own needs... I'll have to figure that out later.

For supper I bought a big juicy Carl's Western bacon cheeseburger and devoured it. Filled me up for sure!!!

Folding laundry and getting ready for the night is needed, but so is going to get my daughter from her boyfriend's home. Time to flee...

Last night.. I couldn't sleep...
too much on my mind... I thought about my daughter, her father using her as his sounding board, instead of getting counseling, or doing something to destress... then her step mother asking why he's raging and growly when she hasn't chosen to spend time with him... fucked up. She doesn't believe that he was that way all the time... just angry and pouty because he doesn't get time with his daughter... groooowwllllll from me....
I want my daughter protected from his verbal barrage of negative... it is ABUSE.

I couldn't stop thinking of how little we're appreciated how impossible they make it for anyone to live up to performance demands without sacrificing breaks and other things in order to meet adherence demands at work.

I was saddened and confused by Lanky... I HATE confusion and suspicions. and, I'm thinking I'm going to need to ask for the key and parking sticker from his car... and where he wants his things, since he doesn't stay here any more.

I'm curious and anxious about a past lover who seems eager to both spend time with me, and sexual exploration like we used to share...

I'm lost in time reliving past sorrows and... the last moments of my sweetheart's life.. and, the gurgling reply of my mother when I'd told her how much my daughter and I loved her, just an hour before she died in 2011. I'm aching. Reopening the stinging heartache, and loss... and experiencing it as I sever myself from another man I still care too much for...

My heart is tearing, shattering... and bruised and broken.

I am lost. So lost...

there are days when I dream lazily in a haze of desire...

fantasies play through my mind...
and,
I end up teasing my body with fingertips and palms pressed against my warm mound, or rock hard nipples, begging to be teased.

I know I've said it before... and tried to go without sex for more than a few months... I don't know how to do it.

Is it worth it?
Do I want to go without when I seem to be tortured by men, past... and dreams of new ones...

a song to listen to during the storm

last night, as I'd headed up I-15 towards Bountiful, I'd slid Lanky's copy of Rockenfield/Speer's Hell's Canyon into my CD player...

perfect music to listen to while driving... especially for winding shadow spattered roads with legs wrapped around a powerful motorbike... this was one of a few of his vavorite albumns to listen to with his iPod plugged into his helmet's bluetooth. I wish he still had his gear... so much stolen, so much destroyed by cruel people.
Anyway it's beautiful...

I enjoyed my time doodling and coloring with my friend... and, if I were braver, I'd admit I'm attracted to her and let her know I'd explore bi curiosity with them as a couple. I'm not ready for it yet... *sigh* and.. honestly, I don't expect I ever will be. I got wet as they'd shared experiences while at a Burning Man week. They're swingers/players... and I admire their strong and loving relationship... and their honest open exploration and admissions. I'm glad she and I got our time talking and creating together again. They both admitted that last time we'd hung out, Lanky's reactions were enough for them to determine they'd need to distance themselves from us, from him.... his anger and frustration, agitation and fear overrode that night. I'd felt it too.

Papi called me while there... a man from my past play when dipping into the pool of coworkers what seems a lifetime ago(summer of 2011)... he's eager to have a weekend together. Already booked a hotel room near me. He doesn't want a no from me... and, I admit it's close to parting my lips... and, then, I recall his feral growl and how he taught me the bliss of an anal lick... the first man to bury his tongue in my ass... only three have done so... the last, was my sweetheart, my love. Anyway, my friend told me of an email he'd sent, admitting he wasn't sure I'd like it, or him... and made sure my daughter doesn't have access to my account.

No, there weren't photos, but an honest and hungry message, reminders of his love for my curves and mostly my ass... nods, lol.. an assman who loves big round ones... If we do the weekend... he'll enjoy the fact that mine's bigger & fuller now, than back then.

I listened to the music I mentioned a bit ago in the submission.... I loved how it filled me, on my way home from my friend's home this morning... my internal clock doesn't seem to want to let me rest after 7am, these days... I got up and left by 8am, after saying goodbyes to the couple in their darkened bedroom. The stormy weather added to the sounds of this music... the beating rhythm of wipers scattering the rain drops as they swiped across the windshield... seemed to follow the music, too.
Right now, there's a wave of rain again... hissing, roaring, pouring over the world wetly... purifying the air and ground.

I've ripped the album to my computer, and I've finished the rest of the songs.

But, I thought I'd share one of them with you.
I hope that you enjoy it, too.

took a while to truly register just how amazingly powerful menopausal off-ness is...

today I was low... barely able to focus at work, ready to give up in a trice... and, bitchy when frustrated any place. Grhhhhhhhh

I hadn't taken my black Cohosh for more than 24 hours... and, Passion flower for about 2 days... nods, nods... I took them this evening and felt a noticeable... umm, adjustment internally after about 3 hours...

sadly.. it wasn't enough, I flipped when my downstairs neighbor came to her door when I'd rung their bell... you see... they've got one of those little fire chimney thingies on their patio, below my bedroom window...

YESSssss.... realllllyyyyyyyyy

It filled my bedroom and my whole apartment filled with smoke.. burning lungs, nostrils and eyes, red and watering... and asthma triggered. I can't camp or deal with a campfire any more, because of what it does to my body.

Anyway, I FLIPPED OUT. I advised her I'd be discussing it with the owner and see if there's any way I can be moved away from someone who's got no respect for the people who live upstairs.

I worry that I went too far... then again, I've lived here for years. I can't afford to move out. I'm trapped in a rickety old place, because of that fact.

I'm falling apart, emotionally as I watch my daughter falling apart physically, literally, and reliving past experiences from this time f year... and *sigh* seriously... there's just too much drama here.

My front door's been open to let out smoke. Swamp cooler's on to replace it with wet semi filtered air... and my fan is blowing at full bore facing out the front room's window.

I'm tired. I'm edgy and got the albeuterol shakes. I need my sleep terribly... and I'm feeling frustratingly helpless.

I'm tired. I'm so tired.

The good news is...
a friend from this place has made an offer on the first two little Halloween drawings, and well... he's a sweetheart of a friend and one of our regular contributors in statuses and other places... I'm grateful for friends and family too.

the smoke attributed headache and burning throat and eyes will make my call center job a challenge tomorrow. But.. that's life, right?

another little Halloween drawing nearly completed... and two more in the making.. creative juices flowing better than they've done for more than half a decade...

I need this to sooth my aching... and to heal my soul... I need this as distraction from reliving the painful past, or missing what I lack.

The struggle to simply survive is great right now. But this, this one little hope can ignite more... if only...

if only.

whether it's a specific song, a sight, scent... an activity... what helps you be filled with peace, joy or exhilaration, or calm?

for me, it's creative perfections... artistic rejoicing.

it is also the sight sound feel and scent of pure water... mossy places filled with the laughter of splashing light and foam.. and power within that water. It is purity and joy, power strength and beauty as well.

there is renewal in music, too...
and in the laugh of a baby, delight and simplicity.

what renews, nourishes and restores YOUR soul?

today, I still didn't get to sit at my assigned computer.. the girl that has had it for a while was balking flat out refusing... she was physically assisted in the moving process by team leads on our floor...
In the meantime I was pleased at the manageable call volume and had brought colored pencils, a black technical pen and my ACEO blanks with me... ACEO stands for Art Cards, Editions and Originals... these are trading/playing card sized works of art that are highly collectible and make collecting prized artwork from friends and admired artists is much more affordable than a full sized work of their art...
anyway, I drew in hard pencil first, light marks outlined a vampire... mouse... I outlined him in ink, then filled in the whole card over the span of slow moment during the day. FrankenMouse came next.. a little green around the edges... with dull eyes and huge forehead, scars all over and freakishly big feet... he's adorable.

It felt good to accomplish this... to be honest.. I haven't been this comfortable and happy about drawing for years... about 5-6 of them, really. I needed it.

I'll bring my things to work daily while we've got this slow time prior to AEP... and then, I'm sure I'll be kept insanely busy for the rest of the year, as usual. I need to make use of what little time I HAVE that permits it, since I've over qualified myself, thus, I'm one of the handful of representatives for this huge client that will never have long boring minutes to over 1/3 hr between calls like most of our reps have. Only a select few were foolish enough to volunteer for projects and additional training without additional pay. We get very little... less than 1/2 the pay this company pays the reps with almost as much training in so many skill sets. I'm an idiot.
shaking head and sighing... I'll square my shoulders and simply say... I don't get a new job outside of this company yet, so I need to make a change there, internally. I'll use THEM for my moments of creative musing and follow-through... and get paid for the hours while creating artwork, to sell elsewhere.

I posted photos of the two on FB, tonight. Few of you will ever see them, since I think I'm only friends with a handful from here, there...

I just wanted to share this.. because being able to complete a drawing or any art project isn't something I've done well... for a far too long time.

I'm dedicating these to my sweetheart... why? Because he was a Halloween baby. I've always loved that holiday. It has meant so much to me for about 3 years now... I met him in July of 2011.
Halloween is fun, and play and joy to me... it needs to stay that way.

I'm also dedicating them to myself and my future... the first step towards Mousie artwork taking me back into the limelight. I NEED to create. I NEED to make more money... and I hope that this will help me do both of those things.... SOON