I know it's crazy.. but I can't go back to sleep.. my whole body is swollen and my eyelids are super puffy... I'm in total pain... and I was awakened by a SADmare... that's one of those dreams I've had from time to time that can be more a premonition than a nightmare. Based on past conversations recent situations and possibilities. Upon reflection, I know why I had it... I've been having niggling whispers of doubt... feeling like maybe it'd be best for me to stop believing that a long distance relationship can work... that no man is worth my worry and heartache... I'm not there and I'm feeling helpless... He wouldn't be capable of making love with how weak he is, and he's in too much pain to even tolerate a cuddle in bed... just laying against one another could be too painful and impossible... how I long to stroke his brow, massage him gently and soothe him with my touch. And how I'd hoped to feel his arms around me and hands claiming me a month ago now.
This being so far away from one another is fucking hard to bear!!! then I ponder OUR situation and think... the only things separating us are miles and my daughter tightly wrapping herself around me terrified and trying to force me to stay with her instead of following a different path. While I love and know she needs me close in every way, I also want to be able to not be needed all my days to tend and assist her. God how I HATE that I'm stuck being her caregiver... I don't want that role with her any more than I did with her father or my mother... I NEED to be freed from it... and yet.. look at the man I've chosen and has chosen me... admitting when we recognized openly with one another how much we each mean to the other... we both believed he was healthy and couldn't have conceived that his fate would be being where he is now. Then again... a SADmare had weighed me down about the possibilities even then.

Anyway... I need my sleep and I really NEED to feel better. Been awake now for over two hours and I'm showing signs of real issues if I can't sleep soon... *sigh*

I need someone to snuggle. I need arms around me right now... I just need to be reassured that things are alright and tomorrow is a new day.. ermmm, even though technically it's already here... today.

my sweetheart called me this morning... ummm, right as I was shutting off the water in my shower... wet me picked up the phone.. dried off and skyped with him as I was dressing. He doesn't ask very often nor do we stay on there for long as he's terribly self conscious. Anyway.. that was the main thing to take me through my day... that and a text from TJ, from my kid and a smile hi from a new friend at work. The mandatory two hours of overtime per day will wear me thin... I was ill, and miserable until late in the day at work. Sleepy too... so I chugged LifeWater and chewed my vitamin B gum to give me the added boost I needed to make it through a 10 hour day.

My daughter's brain chemistry will continue to be off balance as long as she gives in to her wants... dairy and gluten stir up psychotic episodes and extreme paranoia in her father's gene pool. Life is rough for her again, without her Cymbalta.

My guy called me later today.. sharing updates on his conditions and progress. God knows I love that man.. but I'm still overcome with tears when he keeps proving just how much I mean to him.. how much he wants me to never change and how important my thoughts and opinions are to him... I wear him down with my concern and consternation when he's been neglectful... or when it takes too long before he learns that I was right ages ago about something that potentially would have helped him avoid the terrible decline of his health had he heeded my pleas. Anyway, today he made it clear he knew how important something I chided him about truly is... I apologized for bothering him about it when I heard his tone.. but instead he softened and insisted I never fear his displeasure or hurting or offending him.. and counseled me to never stop being his adviser, reminding him of his needs and to keep on teaching him because in doing all these things I'm simply showing him how much I love him. So few men accept that.. Heck my daughter rages and screams when I try to encourage or counsel her about her health... but this man loves me as I am. Knows that he is loved by me... and accepts me as I am.. loves who I am even the cranky little growler who sounds more like a purring cat, than a fussing woman... He defuses me. He accepts the terribly frustrating miles between us and merely asks that I cross my fingers, support and love him from way over here... I am overwhelmed. I've never had someone who was capable of embracing me so fully. The men I'd been with up until him have in one way or fifty.. been self destructive and so were defensive and incapable of seeing the bigger picture.

I am very blessed. And very grateful. And I'm praying that he improves his health. Our current goal.. for the gastric issue to subside. For him to gain weight. He wants to delay the radiation therapy until he can better eat and drink. FINALLY!!!!

Now.. time to get back to watching the first season of ER with my daughter.. she'd paused it to take a nap when my sweetheart called a bit ago.. and, YES.. I DID come here after hearing the voie of the man I want to be with for the rest of my life... And it's time to enjoy my baby girl and a show that I've gotten her addicted to from before she was born...

night my sweet friends...

left, to decide what to do about this place my photos.. what to keep up and what to delete..
58 days to reread old messages and maybe save a few that were special.

Tonight, I pay tribute to one of our finest, strongest men here... my dear friend TJ. This man was one of the first I'd gotten to say absolutely impressed me... nourishes our hearts and souls with his eloquent mind, and visual imagery.

TJ, I'm tributing you, sweetheart... and I KNOW there are hundreds at least, who feel you're worth it. **Nods like a bobble-head** So... to the man who reminds us of our patriotism, this glorious country that we claim as our home.... to the man who's held and loved us in his heart, mind and arms... and to the man who's watched this group changing sometimes in shame, other times with pride... I and others here, salute, honor and extol one fine southern gentlemanly trucker.

TJ was there for me, my friends... before I'd sent my now ex away. He was my friend who knew the vileness of the man I'd considered actually staying with... he knew of the choices I'd made... was there to support me through so many foolish relationships and choices... and uplifted my heart mind and soul making my life less hellish. This friend was somewhere lingering... and our loving friendship has gone through from my original ID to this one.. and from his TJ one to OT. A young man with a heart of gold.... Yeah you, my sexy old coot... you're younger than a couple men I've been with... and one of the finest truest arrows we'll ever find in this quiver.

THANK you TJ, for being there for so many of us. For loving us and talking us through our lives... We... yes WE... for there's no way this could ever be just me expression devotion and adoration, admiration and just plain love for you.

Love you to pieces darling TJ

Hugglsnugs, from a snugglebug... D

Life is fragile... so may people getting ill, losing family members and friends and coworkers. *sigh* Just in the past two weeks my daughter's family lost two people and will be losing yet another one. One was an ex of my ex's family's second wife... we'd stayed friends with him and loved him for who he is. To lose his wife was tragic, so was the loss of m kid's grandmother's recent husband. Now, the grandfather's wife. Cancers and strokes... and life in general is tenuous. We need to value each moment we're upon this earth. And love all we can, and enjoy the good and positive we're blessed with.

I've loved my ex's family as closely as my own. Embraced with love by not just his siblings and parents... smiles, but even their ex's and their new wives and husbands. Anyway, many generations of that family will forever be claimed as mine. I can't stop loving them simply because my ex never knew how to love... well, at least he'd never cared to, with me. Anyway... I'm grateful to be part of so many lives... though we seldom talk or write, my love for them will never diminish. And, I'm in love with a man who's family is eager to have me take my place by his side. How I wish I could just up and be there. But when you're responsible for an adult who is special... it's far from easy to abandon that role. Perhaps impossible.

I'm praying that my recorded web interview session will be looked at seriously. I wasn't feeling well, and was clearing my throat and lost my voice several times. But I hope and believe I expressed myself clearly enough to get my message through. I WANT that job, if for nothing else, to provide my loving caring assistance from a gorgeous office just down the road from me.. making close to $3 more per hour to start... helping patients way out in CA, who need to be treated with respect and acknowledged for their needs.

Tomorrow I'll be posting my tribute to one of NN's Magnificent Men. I love this man dearly for his devotion to this peculiar family. And I'm grateful to call him my friend.

thinking I love her music...

Tighty had it right with her comment on my last entry here... my heart is with him, for sure. And I'm distressed that things are becoming harder and harder for the man I love. Still no treatments yet, and his gut is increasingly problematic in his daily life. If he weren't experiencing this to the degree it's at he'd have better health with his lungs as well. The acid sloshing into his trachea and eating at his esophagus as well as larynx is horrible.

But I'm also faling apart as my daughter loses control... and, she tore something within her right knee while in her 90 day temporary stage of employment. She was advised by supervisors as well as coworkers that Walmart, at least THIS site usually lets you go rather than allowing you to file for worker's comp. Int THIS state as well as at least a few others... that is only available to official employees. This being a "Right to Work" state, merely means that employers can find employees who're desperate enough to take lower wages than most other sites in other states pay for the same job, and fewer rights as an employee, than the federal regs state. It's like my guy says, I live in the country of Utah. Too many extremes in how things are regulated, run and handled. So not only is my daughter no longer taking the medication that was regulating her brain chemistry. But because she's got her own income she's eating 100% more dairy, thus messing up her mental/emotional state of health. She rages easily, is in even more sever pain, due to no positive mindset and paranoia getting increasingly worse. I'm in the wrong no matter what, and she's sure she's got a right to use my car just because and to do as she pleases... still forgetting how crucial it is that she ACTUALLY get her room cleaned up, and able to be re-established as her sleeping quarters. She needs to save for a BED, and to focus on taking care of her SELF AND her THINGS> I'm tired of MY home.. the one I have a lease on in MY name, potentially broken(lease) due to the catastrophic mess it's in currently. I HATE my homelife... as in truly LOATHE going home and being there. I'm falling apart because I'm ineffectual as a mother, a lover/girlfriend, and as a friend. I'm feeling undervalued, overlooked and forgotten at work... And the threat of job lose is very real. I DO MEAN REAL.

But, of all things, Tall and Lanky... a VERY VERY Needy man, is watching out for me via texts... rooting me through this day. So, I guess I'm grateful that for some damned reason I still haven't let go of a an who has far too often added frustration and heartache to my life with his selfishness, obsessions and inability to be happy for women he's played with, because they've found a situation or person who's much MUCH better for them... Even with me, I've noticed there've been times when he starts trying to have me reconsider the value of my relationship with Alex... as if he thinks he's a better candidate, and good for the women he devastates with his utter addiction to flirting, and pursuit, sexual teasing and gratification.. and his view of himself as a caring, focused partner... saying he believes in how true that book called She Comes First is, yet... to be honest, he'd only concerned with getting her to CUM first... not once in placing a woman's needs, issues and who she IS upon a pedestal and saying.. you're the reason I love being with you. The poor man is getting on Karma's nerves... He's being hit from one side and the other it seems... except when he describes other thigns as due to Karma... I think. FUCK Karma. I didn't destroy people, I've loved given, cared and enjoyed. I was and am HONEST with them, and yet I'm getting run over, forwards and backwards... the people I love are, as well... I refuse to believe that I nor they deserved this, as Karma's just rewards for being twisted destroyers. I respect deity, positive and the affects of positive thought. I KNOW the power of positive in a life... and I know the devastation of leading a negative driven life. The cruel abuse and control over me, the torment and it's consequences on my life and that of my daughter... and, the consequences of allowing it to continue in the home too many years. I believe in peace, I believe in love. I believe in the chance to make life good again... BUT the people around me here, right now... daughter and family and friend... too negative in self image and mindset.

Smiles... huh. guess I just can't leave this place, no matter how much I probably should. I'm screwed... and I am blessed. The blessings have GOT to outweigh the sorrows. I'm in love with a good man who for the most part has one strongly positive attitude. Someone who is gentlemanly by nature... kind, giving and gentle just because of who he is... and, who's proud of loving me and all of the things that make me who I am. Things that were seen as weaknesses, quirks, flaws, and reprehensible by my ex, and overwhelming by a couple of past lovers. I have NEVER been so accepted by someone in person. I have never had someone who insists he wants us to be a couple that I'm not to change one thing about myself, that I'm PERFECT as I am NOW. And, to only change if it simply helps me like myself better. I am the mother of an adult child who's finally MAYBE growing up. She's fierce in her loyalty, and trying hard to be stronger than her pain and nightmares. And... I'm blessed with some unique friendships. HERE I've got the most loving family I could imagine wishing for. And I have had loyal friendships at work, and in my past, at church. I know that I NEED a change of atmosphere... at work, and at home. I know I need the support I get from you, my friends... and I can't thank you enough for simple words of positive.

snuggling back into bed for a bit. I'm tired from being up 'til almost 2am. Tall and lanky was over here doing laundry at my place yesterday... long story, but he needed basics cleaned as his place isn't such a great household to be in without proper laundry machinery and other things. Anyway, he'd asked me to accompany him to a mutual friend's birthday party. The drinking levels were amazing to me... I'd forgotten what my ex's mother's side family parties were like... Drunken slurred talking friends and past coworkers, and just nearly constant tasting shots were given out. I've never seen my bean-pole of a friend drink so much at one time. Just glad he ate before, during and after. I sipped water and the dregs of his coke. NO alcohol ever for me, so far.. and so far most people support me by saying, why bother trying now? Your resolve's been strong enough, don't start now. There is no reason for me to try it, so, believe me, I sigh peacefully at saying no thanks and having people respect me for it.
My lanky friend seemed capable of driving though, which was good. I'd offered to drive his car, to take him home and then drive his car back to him later today... There was absolutely NO way I could have offered him a bed to sleep in at my place. Mine's the only one big enough to accommodate that gangling body and I'm not going to ever be sharing it with him. Besides, he was a bit too into hugging me as I left his car.

I was finally in a decent REM state, and then awakening for the sadly impossible call at 7:30am... been waiting for just over an hour for him to call back.. but his miserable gut is probably taking his focus from anything as trivial as a call. My poor sweetheart.

Don't think I'll be around much for a bit. Got a web interview/test to take today. Take the kid to work in a few hours... and top it all off with the fact that I'm feeling miserable. Sore throat, runny nose, plugged ears and a bit of feeling low emotionally and, of course... there's the monthly redtide is going to happen any time.. let's face it, it's misery any way yah look at it. Sleep ought to help me feel a bit better.
Bye y'all.

wondering why no matter which phone, or head set I'm using, no matter how close I place it, my guy can never clearly hear my voice... Our phone calls are progressively shorter and shorter... and more filled with resigned frustration, as well... That includes the skype ones as I've misplaced my nice computer headset. I feel doomed to poor quality short lived miserable calls between us. His gas is destroying his life. Every swallow includes air along with the fluid or solids. No room for food, he's going to starve to death sooner than anything else. This troubles me greatly.

Sorry for the moan, but I'm troubled by all of this.

a song that has meaning for me still