Last night.. well, I was up 'til after 1am, then.... "this morning" I was awakened by my sweetheart, who saw a sale at Walgreen's for a medication I use for my acid reflux(lansoprazole), which works far better then the one that we'd both been prescribed (omeprazole). His acid is far more severe an issue than mine was and the gastro and ENT's that saw me had all thought one omeprazole once, then twice a day would heal my poor raw inflamed and destroyed throat, belly and larynx. It wasn't until I'd tried the Lansoprazole that I'd felt like I could eat like a human being again. I still have got to get myself back into taking it daily, though, for if I do, I'll let my larynx heal... and I might be able to perform again... singing. I've lost out on that because of the severity of my damage. Smiles.. long story short, their "Sale price" is almost as good as WalMart's every day price. So he let go of the bottles and informed me of all the things he was buying in order to reduce both the terrifically distressing gas and acid refulx. To be honest, a lot of antibiotics and NSAID's cause gas, bloating constipation and acid reflux. This is a man who'd NEVER been on any of these... umm, yes... REALLY. Imagine extremely efficient immune system and digestive tract... a perfect body. An athlete with an IT geek's brain to boot and THAT's what and who my man WAS. He's still a self made and educated man who impresses me. But the perfection of his body was taken over and manipulated into being the slave to his cancer... Seeing as cancer travels via white blood cells.... the warriors of the immune system. *sigh* They harness, tame, mimic and take over where there's been trauma, injury or illness in the body. I find cancer fascinating already. It's the brilliant, cold and cruel twisted minded nemesis of the DNA world. That Antagonist of the comic book world... I am in awe of it and loathe it. Can you tell?

Anyway, I was awakened by the scratchy out of breath version of the voice that I love to hear over the phone, more than any other voice, since my mother passed away... of cancer. I don't know why this man was capable of taking over such a huge part of my heart... I don't know when it'd happened, but I know that when I'd dreamed of our voices being an old loving couple teasing and loving one another i the dark.. and that voice chuckled and called my nickname out... I was already in love with that voice because of how that dear man treated the woman that he loved, in my dream. But when that voice slipped like silk, across my mind as he spoke to me the first time... My heart leaped to my throat.. and the damn sexy chuckle just did me in. So, I guess, as with him... something caught each one of us, to hold our attention... Me, his voice and chuckle like the finest chocolate melting me with it's sexy smooth texture... and, *smirks* my visual imagery assaulting his mind with the image of my pale white ass, mooning him and spreading my ass cheeks wide to reveal... my tonsils he could see so far up inside of me, LOL. Yes, really... he was obsessed with that vision for two weeks and struggled over that and the strange desire to defile his tongue with that part of me. Smiles, let's just say it's not a bad thing to want, and leave it at that.

So, the friendship was apparently tainted from that time forward. His side with a peculiar version of carnal desire... Mine with a reverenced awe at having gotten to know that voice so well, prior to hearing it from the man I now hope and pray will heal, so we can proceed down that path we've blazed in the pure light of friendship, respect and curiosity.. with strong pulls by lust, passion, attraction to mind and body... and even more wonderfully to one another's soul.. personality, and both weaknesses/faults and strengths/talents/perfections.

long ago, while married I'd already learned the importance of loving someone's faults weaknesses, etc as greatly as their gloriously wonderful side. Embracing thier whole self, is tuly the ONLY way a couple can fluidly work in tandem. Unfortunately my spouse at that time was unable to and flat out proudly refused to accept my weaker side... Oddly some of my greatest strengths were what he saw as weakness... Being loving, patient giving and respectful were things he mocked in others. Something he sees as weakness, and wrong. Anyway, once I accepted that his point of view was clearly skewed and twisted it was far easier to move forward towards self-acceptance. Back to how things are NOW. I feel blessed. During our conversation he'd teasingly called his Mom his posse and then called her Slow Poke.. it got me thinking since afterwards he added who am I to call her that.. she should be calling ME the Slowpoke. So, lol... whether Slo Mo and his posse the Slo Poke(his adorable mom) get to be embraced as my family I still don't know. That depends on so many things right now.
But I'm proud to say that two imperfect people find one another perfect in their imperfections... and, even because of them. Odd? Smiles... I don't think so either.

Love is what fills, in those chinks and ruts, where imperfections might flaw you. By adding the love others show you.. and the love you discover within yourself... of and for your own self... you ARE absolutely PERFECT. Perfected, by love.

Yesterday I got a message on my phone while at work. It was a message from the hiring manager with whom I'd met on Monday. Anyway, I was elated to learn that she'd chosen me to take a sort of interactive test and interview on the web. This is the third interview for the job I'm interested in as a representative for a large physician's group that is seeking people to assist patients in several aspects. My first interview was on the phone, second, a small group interview in person, now this one. If my responses are what they're looking for, I'll have another one in person.. alone.. for hiring, and settling on a wage, when training begins and hours, etc. I'm hopeful. And plan to take the "interview" this weekend... I'll also be doing my cleaning, resting, etc.

A basic weekend as far as I know.

I'd been trying to figure out why... WHY I can't just go to concerts and other things alone at night. Why I feel anxious about the thought of being alone in a darkened corner of a parking lot, or even in the bar or club, or theater... My friend, Tall and Lanky had told me he thought it'd be cool to see me at one of the upcoming concerts... but for the life of me, even though he seemed to see it as something empowering for me... I saw it as making me a victim.

Then, it came to me... Being abandoned by him when he was flirting with that tall rocker chick when we'd gone to Evanston,WY... Feeling violated by the huge fat drunkard who came up to me, pinned me to the column and did grinding dance type movements against my body... God, how it'd triggered recollections of my assault. The weight of someone I didn't choose... Moving too much like that. The sickening feeling of being violated and alone, unable to get away and people assuming I'd wanted it. No... No. I can't do that. I CAN'T ever experience that again. I will never go to a rock concert alone. I need to know I'm safe. That all came rushing to me while I was driving home from work this afternoon. The tears flowed freely.. and relief washed over me.. I'd thought I was insane being unable to go alone. I hadn't comprehended the reasons behind the horror filling me at being a lone woman late at night and early morning.

Now that it makes sense... I feel I have EVERY right to feel this way. To KNOW why I was so strongly against ever doing that is such a weight lifted from me. And, I believe I've got ever reason to respect that fear, love that woman who was traumatized... TWICE, in truly impactful ways.

Been listening to this over and over today...

a bit of REAL good news...

my driver's license came in the mail today!
I'm official... I'm D.K. once again!!!

This morning another issue proved what a lemon my car was to begin with. While driving at freeway speeds something red pops out from my lighting area and then the side blinker on the driver's side sagged out and hung barely attached by the wiring attached to the lightbulb inside. This is just one of MANY
half-assed tricks/quick fixes I've discovered on this. Someone had instead of replacing the unit when the clips broke.. used Gorilla Glue and inserts to hold it together!!!

My good news.... my WalMart Handy Dandy Auto repair kit(White Duct tape and exterior mounting tape used inside the opening) did a better job than what the security man at work did to hold my lights onto my car today.

The tape that got my car home in one piece...


My repair job




the hard thing about this is.... THIS is how my life feels right now.... barely able to hold it together... just covered up with duct tape and hoping it'll be enough for now. Just a white trash version of fixed up and held together. I hate feeling like I qualify for that title. White Trash. *shakes head*

Just let me cry me a puddle four feet across... I'll be OK once I'm emptied of this. I'll be up and pushing through the garbage heap and maybe find a patch of grass to enjoy for a moment before I have to muddle through another one of these... I'll do it. I have no choice but to do it. I'm just tired of this life. This frustration and oh well... never mind.
I'll take a piece of that duct tape now and apply it to my
whine-hole.

Mmmmmphhh mmmmppph mmmph

Overhearing conversations and being told what's happening at work really got me down. It was my first day back... after days and days of fighting nose bleeds and nights of little sleep.. my back.. the whole spine is killing me... and after draining due to anemia, as I did... I couldn't even open my bottle of Powerade to boost my energy... I just kept on going.. back to back calls. People expected me to understand their edgy stress-filled demands. The anxiety was palpable. Tomorrow I'm going to show up early to get some catch up work done. And try to see what I can do to help my teammates destress. God, I hate the threats and the way the insurance company hacks at our group. They're the ones that demanded the company "Right Size" us... Now they're angry and talking of pulling their contracts... because our scores and call volume is lower that other sites. Geee, I WONDER WHY??? All the Major HEAD rats left the ship.. Moral is at an all time low! Many of us underlings have followed their lead. God knows how much I need to find a better job, too.
I don't need this.
Fuck... I DON'T NEED THIS!!! Why do they think I'm bleeding to death? Why am I losing hair in clumps? Why am I falling asleep at work.. and getting very rare moments of satisfying rest here and there at home??? Worry, depression.. frustration.. feeling trapped.

I'm tired of all the negative that influences my life. Don't get me wrong.. I dig and hunt for EVERY shred or atom of positive.. I honestly DO. I HAVE to... To survive as I have.. and in order to survive now.. I HAVE to.
There is NO other way to redeem the struggle, than to find the tiny bits and fragments of joy.
There is NO other purpose to living than to hunt for and treasure those little miracles... and moments of happiness

Smiles, just tossed one of my dream catchers into the box I'd shipped the pedals and cleats in, as a thank you gift. So I'm thinking dreamily and full of hope.

I just got a bill from the hospital. God, the universe or whatever deity your believe in.. bless that wonderful lady in billing!
She worked magic! The total bill for my ENT is now merely $58.51... That's $350+ LESS than it was last month... Yayeeee for people who pay attention and care.
The money from the pedals was going to go towards my car repairs or towards airfare to see my sweetheart, but it's got to go towards bills ASAP. Ahh well... My daughter's willing to pay a bit towards the cost of getting that one strut replaced. Again, what a blessing. I'm glad my daughter loves me. She's one of the best friends I could wish for.

Now, something to boost you, too... I can't get a dream catcher to each and every one of you. But, the message behind them... at least in MY mind's eye is this...

Catch your dreams... make every good and positive one of them come true and... remember to make them possible by believing in yourself!

My sweetheart is going to be spending time with his oncologist before his MRI today. She wants to find out why he's struggling to talk.. I reminded him that he needs to tell her of ALL his issues/symptoms. That not telling all is withholding information she needs in order to truly help him LIVE. *Grrrhhhhhh* Stubborn Man!!!

He's also informed me she's going to contact his case manager to see about helping him get qualified for furnished housing close to the hospital. She insists that he needs to go to that one for his treatments, not the one down the street from his home.

I'm still perplexed at why they'd save the most crucial mass to destroy it last when he is struggling to breath, talk and eat... It seems obvious to me that he needs help ASAP there. I've felt so utterly frustrated and helpless being here needing my income but also REALLY needing to be there, for and with him.

How I WISH... ahh well... life is life.

Apparently Tall and Lanky had just followed his thoughts and shown up here, in front of my building, this afternoon/evening. He'd called from down below. Anyway, due to the fact that my ex was coming to collect our daughter, he'd decided he needed no part in meeting an ex. I wouldn't have wished that hell upon him, anyhow. He left to get us sodas at a McDonald's, and returned just as they were leaving. He'd come over to see if he could yet again use my internet for shooting off resumes and applications. Of course, I made him know he's welcome to be there, with me.

We spent some time together on the web. I gave him my Ultraviolet copy of GI Joe Retaliation, and when my daughter returned home he was still here. We watched a movie together while he continued to submit applications and ordered a replacement headset for his phone. And I made a nice quick supper and gave him half of it. My poor sweet kid was seething at how her father behaves once he's "found another woman" rescinding his promises and offers, backing out, yet again, at being her father. God, how calloused, cruel, and hurtful that is. How I sorrow over having stayed with such a man as he, for a quarter of a century. I'm disappointed with my younger self. I ache for my baby... and I ache for the poor young woman I was, fooled into believing she had NOTHING to offer, NOTHING of value... and NOT any part of herself of value to any other man. Oh, how foolish and sad! I've been reflecting on choices... Good, bad, painful, and pleasant.

Here is a quote I shared earlier today, on FB.
"Choice is destiny's soul mate."
-- Sarah Ban Breathnach

And, here are my own thoughts and reflections on that topic...
I may just be a dreamer... but there's so much to believe in, wish and hope for... pray and work towards... for EACH of us, in this mortal life.
Life is a gift.
We do what we do, love who we love... and have the real opportunity to learn, grow and relish the beauty in this glorious world.
This is why our choices affect us, and those around us so greatly. We change the lives of not only ourselves, but those we love; those we carelessly thoughtlessly stumble over; and those we pick up, dust off, and guide to shelter.

Without the people who enter and exit our lives, we'd only exist. With their touch, fleeting or long lived... we feel, experience, and remember emotions, scents, sights, joys and pains.

What a blessing to be part of Humankind!